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Original poster

Pregnant with twins after saying I was done - now he's changed his mind

296 replies

TeacupDoom · 06/07/2025 12:54

Bit of a rant, bit of a WWYD really

I’ve got 3 DC already, youngest just turned 4, and I was 100% done. Like proper done. Told DP ages ago I couldn’t do another pregnancy. We’d finally got past the sleepless nights stage, things were calming down, starting to feel like I had a bit of myself back.

He’s got a grown-up DS from when he was a teenager, so this isn’t his first rodeo either.

Anyway, fast forward – found out I’m pregnant a few weeks back. Total shock. Not planned. We’ve been a bit lax with contraception but I honestly thought I was past it (late 30s, periods all over the shop). I was set on not going through with it, and he was supportive when I said I was thinking termination.

Then I go for the scan and it’s bloody twins. TWINS. Cried in the car for about an hour, just couldn’t get my head round it.

Now all of a sudden he’s gone from “whatever you decide” to “maybe it’s a sign” and “how amazing would twins be” 🙄 Like he’s seeing some big beautiful family picture and I’m sitting here googling how to manage twin newborns with 3 other kids and no energy left.

I feel totally overwhelmed. Still don’t want to go ahead with it, still feel like it’s not right for me, but now I’m being made to feel like the bad guy because it’s two and he’s caught feelings.

Am I being horrible for still feeling like I can’t do it? Just needed to get this off my chest tbh

OP posts:
IWantAShitzu · 07/07/2025 19:52

Perhaps because of my experience my judgement may be clouded on this. We had three children and we agreed we were done (after years of fertility struggles) so we were shocked to find out we were having our fourth. We knew it would be hard but we went ahead and had our baby - he’s severely disabled and has a life limiting condition, so we don’t know how long we have with him.

hes the light of our lives and we all adore him, but the guilt I feel knowing that my children will have to go through the heartache of losing him in the future tortures me every day. As well as the 24 hour care he requires I find it hard to spread my time between them all and deal with my own mental health struggles.

you say you’re late thirties, and being a twin pregnancy I guess it’s more risky - my thoughts would be that things could go wrong and they could be very premature etc or have other health issues. If you feel that this isn’t right for you, it’s absolutely your decision, take a bit more time to think things through. Again, I’m sorry if my own experience puts things in a negative light but I just wanted to be honest xx

MixedBananas · 07/07/2025 20:01

And whats his role in all this? Do you WFT? Are you a stay at home? How much will he help. Family / friends to help out?

restingbitchface30 · 07/07/2025 20:08

As a twin mum all I’ll say is it’s bloody hard work and exhausting. Mine are 3 and I had them at 36. IMO age plays a big factor with how tiring I find it. Also the pregnancy was rough. From 22 weeks just walking to the loo was hard. If you’re on Facebook I’m part of twins support group uk, it might be worth joining. Everyone on there is incredibly friendly and more importantly non judgemental. if you popped a post on there you’d get a ton of helpful advice and support.

Nicewoman · 07/07/2025 20:12

TeacupDoom · 06/07/2025 12:54

Bit of a rant, bit of a WWYD really

I’ve got 3 DC already, youngest just turned 4, and I was 100% done. Like proper done. Told DP ages ago I couldn’t do another pregnancy. We’d finally got past the sleepless nights stage, things were calming down, starting to feel like I had a bit of myself back.

He’s got a grown-up DS from when he was a teenager, so this isn’t his first rodeo either.

Anyway, fast forward – found out I’m pregnant a few weeks back. Total shock. Not planned. We’ve been a bit lax with contraception but I honestly thought I was past it (late 30s, periods all over the shop). I was set on not going through with it, and he was supportive when I said I was thinking termination.

Then I go for the scan and it’s bloody twins. TWINS. Cried in the car for about an hour, just couldn’t get my head round it.

Now all of a sudden he’s gone from “whatever you decide” to “maybe it’s a sign” and “how amazing would twins be” 🙄 Like he’s seeing some big beautiful family picture and I’m sitting here googling how to manage twin newborns with 3 other kids and no energy left.

I feel totally overwhelmed. Still don’t want to go ahead with it, still feel like it’s not right for me, but now I’m being made to feel like the bad guy because it’s two and he’s caught feelings.

Am I being horrible for still feeling like I can’t do it? Just needed to get this off my chest tbh

I would keep them. I’m from a large family, we had peanuts. All the kids helped each other out. We had hand me downs, always poor, but there was a barrel of laughs that come with a big family. It was a lot of fun. Now you can get handouts and a lot of govt help. When I was a kid there was nothing. Also, the kids will grow up soon. And you could be on the planet to 100 regretting terminating your kids every day, it could consume your mind. Remember, a few years of sleepless nights, then they are self-sufficient and even start caring for you when you’re old. I’d keep them.

GoldenNuggets08 · 07/07/2025 20:30

Is he willing to potentially solo parent your 3 current children for the first few weeks? The chances of twins coming early are way higher than single pregnancy. You could be in and out of hospital for the first few weeks of their lives. I think you really need to lay the worst case scenario on the table to him. The chances of premature, hospitalisation in the early days, the costs, the effect on your current children.

THEDEACON · 07/07/2025 20:36

Rainbow321 · 06/07/2025 13:45

She knows her own body . I went through a natural menopause at 38 , it does happen .

Show quote history

She didnt though and is now pregnant with twins after thinking she wouldnt get pregnant and being careless with contraception

August1980 · 07/07/2025 20:47

Congrats op! I know you don’t want to hear it!!!
maybe as you don’t have any kids together he is keen on the twins? Bio kids?
I think it would be hard but if you think you will manage financially and can get help, you guys will be ok.
I don’t know why I am so excited for you!!! (Not what you want to hear)

MascaraGirl · 07/07/2025 20:50

OP is smart to be thinking of twins in practical terms when far too many people get caught up in the 'cute' stuff when in reality it can be and is often a different story.

This

croydon15 · 07/07/2025 20:56

Notuntrustworthy · 06/07/2025 15:15

Lax with contraceptives...after having a child with someone else by accident, and also after having put your two first existing children through having another half sibling and living with yet another man who isnt the dad of either of them or their other sibling.

Why are you so cavalier with the wellbeing of your existing children? Every time you roll the dice with these decisions you increase the likelihood of all of them having difficult outcomes later in life.

Even if you and your current partner are the nicest caringest people around, and it works out long term with him, it's just not great for kids 1 and 2 anyway. And his kid 1. And your kid 3.

I dont know if I could abort twins and you have my sympathy for this difficult decision.

But I keep saying it on threads at the moment - why the hell do people carry on having children after the breakdown of the first relationship with the father of their first children? Just live with your kids and take care of them. Have 100 sexy boyfriends that you see frequently. Just stop trying to make new families that are not in your children's best interests.

Harsh but true, if you don't want unwanted pregnancies use contraception
I know two sets of people who cried when they were told that it's twins so it's not unusual, they just wanted one child and got twins

Shoppingwithafriend · 07/07/2025 21:02

From a mother of twins - they are a blessing xxx

Pigriver · 07/07/2025 21:15

When I was 38 and pregnant with my second I had 2 friends both pregnant with twins. I was shitting myself going for the scan!
Twins so seem to be more common with older mums. I know 3 and all we're on the cusp of 40.

I'm on the fence here. If you wanted to abort one then I'd definitely abort 2. Personally no way could I handle 2 more and I have 2 'easy' kids.
On the other hand, your DH must want to raise his own children with you. He raised your youngest as his own and now he wants his own. If you relationship and finances are rock solid then maybe it is 'a sign'

SapphireSeptember · 07/07/2025 21:33

WhistlerInHisStudio · 06/07/2025 13:49

This happened to a friend. They already had 4DC when they discovered she was pregnant (unplanned) with twins. She wanted to terminate as she felt there was no way she could manage 6 children. He wanted the pregnancy to continue and promised he would help yada yada.
The pregnancy went ahead and by the time the twins were 2 she was a single mother of 6DC as her ‘D’H couldn’t, cope.

Fuck that guy, all the way to hell. 🤬

Totemoneru · 07/07/2025 22:12

Not much help but you're more likely to have twins when you're older. The ol' egg factory knows that time is running out and it starts popping out multiples in a last ditch effort. I think it's totally unfair of life to go "oh you're getting on a bit? Let's make things way harder for you then!" as if looming menopause isn't enough.
I had a surprise pregnancy at 40. The other half wasn't sure. I wanted to go ahead with it. I'm tired. So, so tired. He's now loving it and I'm struggling even though our child is now 6. If you were really done with 3 you really need to consider what it'll all cost you with 5. Women are so easily just expected of things without a thought. Saying that, it can really be a strain on a relationship. It was with ours when we were on opposite sides of this debate.
Communicate as much as you can, maybe even consider getting in some help from a therapist if it feels like you're going round in circles.

Totemoneru · 07/07/2025 22:16

MascaraGirl · 07/07/2025 20:50

OP is smart to be thinking of twins in practical terms when far too many people get caught up in the 'cute' stuff when in reality it can be and is often a different story.

This

Yes and usually these older mum twins are fraternal which means they aren't identical and don't have that "cute stuff".

Mygrandkidsaregreat · 07/07/2025 22:21

So are you 22 weeks pregnant now?
if so you’d have to have the labour and delivery, it wouldn’t be a quick operation.
Im not you, and whatever you decide is right for you right now. What a dilemma, my good wishes are with you.

SouthLondonMum22 · 07/07/2025 22:21

Mygrandkidsaregreat · 07/07/2025 22:21

So are you 22 weeks pregnant now?
if so you’d have to have the labour and delivery, it wouldn’t be a quick operation.
Im not you, and whatever you decide is right for you right now. What a dilemma, my good wishes are with you.

No, that was her last pregnancy.

Positivelypossible · 07/07/2025 23:02

I haven’t read all the comments, but most people commenting haven’t been in this position. I have and lived to tell the tale. I had 3 under 5 when I found out I was expecting twins. I found the pregnancy very hard as I felt like we were doomed. But then they arrived and it was the hardest challenge I’ve ever been set, but the most rewarding and the twins are now 10 and we have a wonderful big family. It’s hard, it’s expensive, but we’re absolutely blessed and I sometimes feel as if I was chosen for this as I could do it.
Now I find I miss those crazy times when they were little - it’s all so much easier.
Seeing these babies are with your new partner that you’re happy with, if I were you I’d go for it. Having twins is amazing - a special blessing. Newborn bit is very hard, toddler hard in different ways. By 5 or so they’re just like other siblings and the older ones will all chip in to help you.
I did used to feel embarrassed when people saw us out and about when they were little, but now I just feel proud of all of us. We have a brilliant family bond.
it’s totally your decision and I get how you’re feeling, just wanted to tell you from someone who has been there that if you go through with it you will be able to do it and you’ll wonder how boring life would have been otherwise. Good luck - feel free to message me x

SherlockStones · 08/07/2025 01:16

I think this thread is bollocks

WaryHiker · 08/07/2025 01:38

I'm completely pro-choice and wouldn't dream of telling you what decision you should make. The only suggestion I have is that if your partner wants these twins, and you decide to go ahead, you should strongly consider getting married at once. He can't expect you to have his twins on one hand off and refuse to offer you legal protection on the other. If he refuses, that's a real red flag for what your future may hold.

Sassoon · 08/07/2025 05:57

I can’t even believe you’re considering it tbh. I would terminate immediately no matter how much money I had.

RetiringRita · 08/07/2025 06:17

OP I've been thinking about this for days.
The first thing I'd insist on is a registry office marriage. You can do a big party later. If your dp died it would be extremely difficult to access his pensions and life insurance without being married. You'd have five DC to pay for on your own.
Personally it's up to you if you have these children but my late mother regretted her termination all of her life. We were already four. My siblings would have been 50 now but my mother was told it was a single baby and disabled. Neither was true. She even spoke about it in her hospice before she died.
Get that man to the alter and prepare for a lot of work!

Serpentstooth · 08/07/2025 06:24

You ķnow him OP. Do you trust he'll be around putting in his 50 % for the next 20 years?

Hopingtobeaparent · 08/07/2025 07:15

Rainbow321 · 06/07/2025 13:45

She knows her own body . I went through a natural menopause at 38 , it does happen .

Show quote history

Falling pregnant when perimenopausal is a classic. Twins are much more likely too. Not really the point for the OP though…

OP, you were 100% done. And as others have said, 3 to 5 is a massive change, in lots of ways.

What action do you think future you is going to thank you for?

Very tricky situation. Sending supportive hugs.

FlyMeSomewhere · 08/07/2025 07:33

Nicewoman · 07/07/2025 20:12

I would keep them. I’m from a large family, we had peanuts. All the kids helped each other out. We had hand me downs, always poor, but there was a barrel of laughs that come with a big family. It was a lot of fun. Now you can get handouts and a lot of govt help. When I was a kid there was nothing. Also, the kids will grow up soon. And you could be on the planet to 100 regretting terminating your kids every day, it could consume your mind. Remember, a few years of sleepless nights, then they are self-sufficient and even start caring for you when you’re old. I’d keep them.

Show quote history

So much is wrong your statement! You are talking from point of view of someone who was clearly a sibling and.not lumbered with actually raising all these kids! Poverty and benefit scrounging is not the life any kid should be brought into and you forget there's a two child cap and the OP has 3! We don't pay people to sit and breed anymore for good reason because 5 kids and associated childcare costs are not covered by a lot of salaries which leads to a lot of people never getting back into work and being tax payer funded for life!
You've also not taken into account if these twins are born with issues, disabilities etc! That's a very different kettle of fish!

Arctician · 08/07/2025 08:37

Termination. Now. No Swithering. No DP ‘consultation’. No regrets. You’ve more than done your share in the reproduction stakes. At your age, you’re on the threshold of just about starting to get a little bit of your own life back. Grab it with both hands. Enjoy and embrace the dc you’ve made. Let this slip .. you’ll be in your 50s before you can breathe again. And no one will REALLY appreciate your sacrifice. This is YOUR life. Be strong. Best Wishes.