Pregnant with twins after saying I was done - now he's changed his mind

[TeacupDoom]

Bit of a rant, bit of a WWYD really

I’ve got 3 DC already, youngest just turned 4, and I was 100% done. Like proper done. Told DP ages ago I couldn’t do another pregnancy. We’d finally got past the sleepless nights stage, things were calming down, starting to feel like I had a bit of myself back.

He’s got a grown-up DS from when he was a teenager, so this isn’t his first rodeo either.

Anyway, fast forward – found out I’m pregnant a few weeks back. Total shock. Not planned. We’ve been a bit lax with contraception but I honestly thought I was past it (late 30s, periods all over the shop). I was set on not going through with it, and he was supportive when I said I was thinking termination.

Then I go for the scan and it’s bloody twins. TWINS. Cried in the car for about an hour, just couldn’t get my head round it.

Now all of a sudden he’s gone from “whatever you decide” to “maybe it’s a sign” and “how amazing would twins be” 🙄 Like he’s seeing some big beautiful family picture and I’m sitting here googling how to manage twin newborns with 3 other kids and no energy left.

I feel totally overwhelmed. Still don’t want to go ahead with it, still feel like it’s not right for me, but now I’m being made to feel like the bad guy because it’s two and he’s caught feelings.

Am I being horrible for still feeling like I can’t do it? Just needed to get this off my chest tbh

TBF though with regard to finances, is the DP already funding the OPs 3 kids who aren’t his, they’re not married so not his responsibility but he took them on? Was there a discussion about the OP not wanting to have any further kids, and with him, before they were ‘lax’ with contraception?

The finances for a 7 seater, bigger house etc are not just on him.

Obviously the OP needs to make her decision considering herself and own 3 existing DC, but I can understand why her DP wants to continue the pregnancy.

If you were set on not going through with it, why have the scan? Seeing the image on the monitor iis inevitably going trigger all sorts of emotions, suddenly the pregnancy isn't just a line on a stick.

I know the above comment isn't helpful for you and i'm sorry! Take a bit of time to decide what you want to do, its biggy either way. I had a termination after being in a very abusive relationship. I do regret the loss now, but terminating was the right thing to do in my circumstances at that time. Good luck with what you decide to do.

I have 3 children - 10, 4 and 3. I struggle massively. I know if I found out I was pregnant with one / let alone two, I would be seriously considering my options. Good luck with whatever you decide x

I’m a twin from a contraception failure. Mum already had 2 kids.
She found it very hard when we were kids. Very hard indeed. In fact I think it kind of broke her, but mum was never the kind of mum to handle multiple kids. Dad did what he could but was out working. Older brothers were 5.5 and 2 at the time me and sister were born.

Just to give the long view though, I’ve just had mum and dad around for the afternoon and they’ve had a lovely time with my babies 3.5 and 2 years old. So thinking of the long game, as it were, she absolutely delights that she had her twins and gets loads of enjoyment in her later years.

But when we were kids it was very very hard for her. I can’t really overstate that.

I think you do have to have a scan before abortion.

I didn't realise it wasn't used anymore - it was 6 years ago. And it's hardly a reason to terminate, but being older with twins is obviously high risk and it's OPs body.

To date the pregnancy. I imagine they would also have to tell her that it's twins so that she can make an informed decision.

That’s two of us twin mums who’ve said the same and any google of twins will concur they’re easier than singletons

Im
surp they told you its twins though if you went for a pre abortion scan, how did that come about

You do but if an abortion is planned, they don't show you the image. They didn't show me anyway, the scan was just to confirm pregnancy/location etc.

My twins were definitely not easier than my singleton. Two babies were absolutely harder than just one baby.

It could go either way for OP, she could find it easier but then she may also find it harder too.

I was scanned but they didn't show me the image. They just needed info, like location, viability etc. But I guess if they see twins on the monitor they may feel they need to say

Sending you strength to make the right decision, however difficult that will be

He’s not wrong to want them, you’re not wrong to have doubts. You need to have a sit down and discuss practicalities and whether he’s prepared to ease any of your concerns. Eg if you both work, will he share the paternity leave, 6 months if necessary? Would he be prepared to scrimp and save for the next 7 months to afford a night nanny? Is he happy to sell his own car to get a bigger one? If he’s doing gym, other hobbies, make it clear that these would stop completely for a period. Set your terms. See if his answers change the picture for you- if he is a good dad twins might be less trouble than a single baby with a lazy arsehole.

Some people may feel differently about aborting twins.

I remember a similar thread on here a while back, OP wanted to abort twins and a few people disagreed purely because she was having twins.

Well they shouldn’t, very unprofessional

I agree with you, it could go either way. I just think the op needed some perspective that many of us twin mums where they’re not our first found them easier.

Why on earth woud they? If anything it might make them more resolute. If you don't feel you are in a good place to deal with one baby, why on earth would you want two?

Indeed they are, but he could walk away at any time - probably when he realises that the exhaustion and expense of raising 5 kids is too much for him.

The comments on the previous thread romanticised twins a lot. They are special etc

I think that's still a pretty common thing to do.

I agree, people do seem fascinated by twins - although only identical twins, not fraternal twins.

Your body, your choice.

DS and twins are 16 months apart and I get asked if they are triplets all of the time.

I avoid dressing DD's alike for several reasons but one of the reasons is to try and avoid any attention. Sometimes I just want to walk to the park and be left alone! 😂

Twins are cute, of course they are. But they are hard work too. The pregnancy is hard. I went into the newborns absolutely fucked from very little sleep in the last two months of pregnancy.

Go with your gut.
I didn't. I planned a 2nd baby reluctantly and got 2. I love my children to death but I'm a very burnt out mom on the brink 12 years in and I only had 1 older.
I sometimes think I should have allowed myself to listen to my gut feeling. I have anxiety and depression and that makes parenting difficult.

I'm in ROI and termination was still illegal at the time so I just didn't feel it was an easy option by the time I found out it was 2.

Whatever you you will wonder what if.
So take some time to think about it and do what's right for you.

Hugs

I found having twins so much harder than having a singleton. The easiest time was when I just had one child without a doubt.

Op, if you decide to continue with the pregnancy, it does need to be something that you really really want. Having twins is very challenging when you have other children IME.

When I had my twins, I already had 2 children, the youngest was 18 months when the twins were born. I was in hospital a long time before their birth due to complications. I wouldn’t change it for the world but it was extremely challenging especially as my DH became ill and subsequently died. For a lot of their lives, I brought them up alone, I love them so much but I can’t say that it was easy. You never know what life will throw at you.

Good luck to you Op, whatever your decision.