Pregnant with twins after saying I was done - now he's changed his mind

[TeacupDoom]

Bit of a rant, bit of a WWYD really

I’ve got 3 DC already, youngest just turned 4, and I was 100% done. Like proper done. Told DP ages ago I couldn’t do another pregnancy. We’d finally got past the sleepless nights stage, things were calming down, starting to feel like I had a bit of myself back.

He’s got a grown-up DS from when he was a teenager, so this isn’t his first rodeo either.

Anyway, fast forward – found out I’m pregnant a few weeks back. Total shock. Not planned. We’ve been a bit lax with contraception but I honestly thought I was past it (late 30s, periods all over the shop). I was set on not going through with it, and he was supportive when I said I was thinking termination.

Then I go for the scan and it’s bloody twins. TWINS. Cried in the car for about an hour, just couldn’t get my head round it.

Now all of a sudden he’s gone from “whatever you decide” to “maybe it’s a sign” and “how amazing would twins be” 🙄 Like he’s seeing some big beautiful family picture and I’m sitting here googling how to manage twin newborns with 3 other kids and no energy left.

I feel totally overwhelmed. Still don’t want to go ahead with it, still feel like it’s not right for me, but now I’m being made to feel like the bad guy because it’s two and he’s caught feelings.

Am I being horrible for still feeling like I can’t do it? Just needed to get this off my chest tbh

She obviously knows the first part.

Not sure why people need to state the obvious. Not what she asked in the first place.

So you're actually 5 and a half months pregnant? That throws a different light on the matter surely?

I think you would be absolutely crazy to have them. FIVE children!!!

If you do decide to go ahead - and I'll leave the decision to you, not an easy one.

Please please please don't put them in matching outfits. Asking as a twin. Let them have their own personalities, friends etc. They are 2 separate people.

She is still within the legal limit for an abortion, so why does in change things?

I'd have them personally.

And whilst I totally get it's your decision, I'd find it incredibly difficult to move on from someone deciding to terminate my children, which is what I'd see them as. I can see why he might be upset, especially after seeing them on a scan. I'd feel very protective of them.

That's not to say you should go ahead, but equally I wouldn't be surprised if it signalled the end of your relationship, and that's sad but no one's fault really. I don't think you should have been so lax with contraception at your age, as the impacts are so huge whatever you decide, but that ship has already sailed.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

In my opinion you'd be mad to go through with the pregnancy but that's just my opinion. You'll need a small fortune to raise a family of five.

Only that she doesn't have long to make a decision.

She can have a termination up to 24 weeks.

and even then it might not be menopause. I regularly go a year without a period, its just how my body works and I still have managed 3 children.

have you terminated a pregnancy at that stage?

No, but I would if I found myself with an unwanted pregnancy

Guys, it sounds like it was the previous baby that she found out about at 22 weeks. But that he continued coming to scans, appointments, raised the baby as his own etc.

I would assume that she'd know with twins before 22 weeks. And yes, although it's legal at 22 weeks, I think must people would honestly think it's too late given babies can survive at that gestation.

Maybe to help other people reading this who might think the same as she did? I don't think there's any harm in hoping other people can learn from an OP's mistakes.

I thought OP was talking about a previous pregnancy too.

If not, the fact that some survive at 22 weeks would be irrelevant to me.

I agree with this.

no one can deny just how flipping hard it will be with twins, and yes it’s your body. However put yourself in his shoes for a moment. He’s clearly excited by the prospect of having kids with you that are his as well.

You need to really thoroughly talk this through with him and involve him in this process and decision. He needs to really sit and think through the practicalities, the reality, and the financial cost. Is he willing to take 9 months out of his career to care for them? How will you actually make it work.

Everyone is saying he might leave when he realises how hard it is, but I could just as easily imagine him leaving if he’s not been involved in the process.

I know two couples who went through the same in their 40’s. Three kids then suprise twins. Both couples are still very much together (one set of twins are adults the others just starting secondary)

Ah yes you are right about it being the previous pregnant.

I wouldn't say most people would think it too late at 22 weeks seeing as it is legal to do so and has the support of abortion providers. The recent vote in parliament shows there is a lot of support for it too.

I think you need to put the children you already have first and not let yourself overcome rational decisions because of your partner/hormones. I know I had a standard of living that I wanted for my own DC and any more than 3 would have put an end to that. As it happened I only had 2, as was blessed with a boy and a girl, so that was me done. Hope you manage to find peace with whatever you decide.

Honestly I agree with you OP, I wouldn’t continue in your shoes. He could up and leave in three years time and leave you to it, when you never wanted this to start with.

It's easy to be excited by the prospect, especially twins, when it isn't your body going through it and if he's only talking about matching outfits which OP is already concerned about then he clearly knows very little of the reality of having twins.

OP could also want to end the relationship if she has twins, finds it unbearably hard and can't stand to look at him because she felt like she had them for him. It could really go both ways.

The DC who are already here need to be considered too, especially if bedrooms will become tight, older children studying for exams with screaming babies etc.

I don't see how his reaction to finding out it's twins is logical. If you were leaning strongly toward a termination because the thought of one additional child felt like too much to manage and he was in agreement, then surely the discovery that it's TWO additional children just reaffirms your original choice and if anything is a sign that this WOULD be too much for your family?

Anyway, it's still your choice. Have you told him you're uncomfortable with (what you perceive as) him pressuring you? Of course he should tell you what he would like to do and discuss his feelings about the situation, but "being made to feel the bad guy" sounds like more than that, if he's doing it consciously and knows how it's impacting you. And of course your feelings aren't horrible; no one should be forced or pressured to bear or raise an unwanted child.

Is he ready to buy a van in order to drive all these kids around? Has he contemplated the serious logistics long term or is he just thinking by of holding cute twin babies? He needs to want twins as toddlers both screaming the house down in tandem and five kids (plus his own late teen?) to financially care for. It’s a lot OP. Don’t let him pressure you.

But agree with PP, it’s never okay to be lax with contraception. Later 30’s is exactly when your body starts firing out these two for one specials

Friends of mine had a three-year-old and then conceived twins while trying for a second child. They looked shell-shocked for the first few years, yes the twins were cute to look at but the work was about 5 times the work of caring for one baby.

Another reading comprehension fail.

That sounds about right.

DS was 16 months when my twins were born. Twins are 14 months now and things are still....interesting but have improved since they were teeny tiny babies.

Apparently this happens alot. Mine were IVF, cost £30,000 and he changed his mind like the car was the wrong colour