Pregnant with twins after saying I was done - now he's changed his mind

[TeacupDoom]

Bit of a rant, bit of a WWYD really

I’ve got 3 DC already, youngest just turned 4, and I was 100% done. Like proper done. Told DP ages ago I couldn’t do another pregnancy. We’d finally got past the sleepless nights stage, things were calming down, starting to feel like I had a bit of myself back.

He’s got a grown-up DS from when he was a teenager, so this isn’t his first rodeo either.

Anyway, fast forward – found out I’m pregnant a few weeks back. Total shock. Not planned. We’ve been a bit lax with contraception but I honestly thought I was past it (late 30s, periods all over the shop). I was set on not going through with it, and he was supportive when I said I was thinking termination.

Then I go for the scan and it’s bloody twins. TWINS. Cried in the car for about an hour, just couldn’t get my head round it.

Now all of a sudden he’s gone from “whatever you decide” to “maybe it’s a sign” and “how amazing would twins be” 🙄 Like he’s seeing some big beautiful family picture and I’m sitting here googling how to manage twin newborns with 3 other kids and no energy left.

I feel totally overwhelmed. Still don’t want to go ahead with it, still feel like it’s not right for me, but now I’m being made to feel like the bad guy because it’s two and he’s caught feelings.

Am I being horrible for still feeling like I can’t do it? Just needed to get this off my chest tbh

Your update makes sense as to why he would like to keep them as he’s not the biological father to your other children.
im assuming your 4 year old starts school in September which means only the the twins would be at home during the day for the most part.
Personally I would have them, I had a surprise baby boy at 37, there is a 5 year gap between him and my next youngest child. He is our total sunshine boy, he was a dream baby, smiley and placid, an easy going toddler and now a cheeky adorable youngster. Two of him would have been a doddle compared to having one trickier one.
My DH had a vasectomy after his birth after I was adamant that he was the last, so we really are done now but if I hadn’t kept the littlest I think I would have always wondered what they would have grown up like, who they would have looked like etc

Oh, how could anyone afford that and a mortgage ! That’s obscene.

That’s shocking. All the best with your decision op. I hope you will be alright x

The reality is often having twins, especially if you already have one (or four) already means the mother giving up any career she may have.

We can afford it but only because we didn't have DC until our careers were well established.

How is it a drip feed ....she's posted twice.

Where did you come to that conclusion?

This.

You should be prioritising your existing DC first and foremost and how their lives will be affected. Can you afford twins, have help with them in terms of grandparents etc, would you need to go back to work to pay current bills, how will you afford nursery costs, size of current house/car, would your older DC still be able to have hobbies/holidays etc?

Although TBF I assume your DP is at least party subsiding your DC if their Dad is no longer in the picture, so it is a bit off that he’s financing your DC but not his own.

Even so I’m sure you can make it work if the other DC are on board, younger they are more likely to accept.

I’d make getting married within the next 3 months, if you decide to go ahead, non negotiable though. You need to protect yourself financially.

Twins is a nightmare with older DC in the mix even if you get compliant, docile babies! I had to stop work after mine as cost of nursery x 2 and afterschool/holiday club was more than what I earnt including travel.

Sleeping was not too bad after around 4-6 months as I had a strict routine of bath, feed and bed at 7pm and dream feed at 10-11pm. The early months were horrendous as they woke at different times and one always refused if I tried to feed them at the same time at night, similar with nappies - one would just about always poop as I was trying to leave the house for school run etc or the one who hadn’t pooped would poop half an hour after I’d changed them both. So help in the early months is crucial to avoid twin burnout!

At the end of the day it’s your decision as to whether you feel you can cope.

No, I think that was her no.3.

I think the "22 weeks" was referring to when she found out about no.3.

It was.

I thought so but then thought I read wrong but then realised I was actually correct. 😂

I'd be asking him when he will be informing his work place that he is taking paternity leave, to take over when you return to work...

How he is funding the purchase of a large people carrier as you now need to be able to transport 7 people at once.

When he is going to give up any hobbies as he will be the default parent to the twins and so won't have the time - you're working and have three older children who cannot reduce their time spent with you...

Then see how keen he is.

No one uses that phrase any more. She is only late 30s! Don't use that as a reason to tell people to terminate.

Wow 5 children - it’s a big big decision and a lot of talking to do with your partner.
Saying this gently ….. you need to take contraception far more seriously than you have in the past with child 3 and your present pregnancy.
When your periods are all over the place it’s the time to take extra precautions - you can get pregnant into your fifties.

how old are your other kids?

She obviously doesn’t!

Was this merely a dating scan to ascertain the best method of termination or was it a routine ante-natal scan? If it was the first I don't understand why they are involving you in seeing/hearing the results of the scan. That seems grossly insensitive and emotionally manipulative.

If it's the second, then why were you even there, given that you knew from the beginning you wanted a termination? If your gut instinct was to abort as soon as you heard then why have you left it so long to deal with this when you found out a few weeks ago? I'd have been straight up the doctors.

This happened to my stepsister. Late 30s, married with 2 young teenage boys. Accidentally pregnant with twins. Her dh is actually a decent dad and husband, but the twins are now two and a bit and it’s a complete shitshow. House way too small and teens are now sharing a room. Childcare unaffordable so mum had to quit work for the first two years. They can just afford the basics and the teens are asked all the time to babysit and help out now that mum is doing shift work. It’s just chaos. And so, so unfair to the boys whose lives have been turned upside down. Twins are hard.

My twins are the favourite people in my life. They were a lot easier than singletons . You HAVE to get them in a routine early. Just a slightly different perspective. I had two children already including a one year old when I found out I was having twins and I understand the fear. It was tricky for a little while but 100% not as bad as I’d thought.

'a bit lax with contraception'. But she didn't want more kids. FFS.

It does change things that your DP is relatively new and you have no DC together - but you had agreed no kids together? I think you need to talk through practicalities if you are considering going ahead - can you actually manage financially, logistically.

It's easy to feel like being pregnant with twins is special - because it it! - but also so life changing for the whole family.

I hope you can talk to your DP and find agreement on what to do.

Him “stepping up” should not be part of your decision making process. If you can’t handle this solo, you should not proceed. It was unplanned, it’s messy with multiple children and parents, and you are not married.

I’m not telling you not to have more children. That is entirely your decision. I’m just saying don’t count on his physical or financial support when making your decision.

Terminate ASAP

This isn’t true though, how is it five times as hard? When you have twins you have 2 babies, not 5. It’s comments like this that put the fear into people who are pregnant with twins. It’s twice as hard at the very most but I wouldn’t say it’s even that. My twins are easier than my singleton was.

Are you both working? Tricky to manage the childcare!

I can see his perspective. He took on raising a baby you were pregnant with that wasn't his along with your 3 other children and is now excited at the prospect of having biological children with you.

I think this is a head Vs heart moment and you both need to sit down and talk things through properly. Not just saying 'we'll manage'.

Work out costs of what would need to change and make a list e.g:
How much would a new car cost to transport everyone?
Housing - would you need to move or extend current property? Do you rent or own? Could these costs change e.g landlord ups rent, mortgage rate changes
Changes to work (assuming you both currently work, would your salary be enough to cover nursery bills for twins in addition to after school club for current children? What's the maternity leave policy like? Would you need to take time out of work to raise twins til they are nursery age and do you work in an industry that is easy to get back into?)
Items required for babies X2 cots, double pushchair, car seats

Also consider any luxuries for the whole family
Do you go in holiday? Would this now be a limiting factor?
Do you like going on days out? Eating out?
Clothes?
Not sure how old your older children are but do they like bigger item presents for birthdays/Christmas? Does their dad contribute financially towards them?