Pregnant with twins after saying I was done - now he's changed his mind

[TeacupDoom]

Bit of a rant, bit of a WWYD really

I’ve got 3 DC already, youngest just turned 4, and I was 100% done. Like proper done. Told DP ages ago I couldn’t do another pregnancy. We’d finally got past the sleepless nights stage, things were calming down, starting to feel like I had a bit of myself back.

He’s got a grown-up DS from when he was a teenager, so this isn’t his first rodeo either.

Anyway, fast forward – found out I’m pregnant a few weeks back. Total shock. Not planned. We’ve been a bit lax with contraception but I honestly thought I was past it (late 30s, periods all over the shop). I was set on not going through with it, and he was supportive when I said I was thinking termination.

Then I go for the scan and it’s bloody twins. TWINS. Cried in the car for about an hour, just couldn’t get my head round it.

Now all of a sudden he’s gone from “whatever you decide” to “maybe it’s a sign” and “how amazing would twins be” 🙄 Like he’s seeing some big beautiful family picture and I’m sitting here googling how to manage twin newborns with 3 other kids and no energy left.

I feel totally overwhelmed. Still don’t want to go ahead with it, still feel like it’s not right for me, but now I’m being made to feel like the bad guy because it’s two and he’s caught feelings.

Am I being horrible for still feeling like I can’t do it? Just needed to get this off my chest tbh

totally appreciate it’s a big shock - regardless of how you interpreted your fertility. Twins is always a big surprise! I would without a doubt continue the pregnancy - mainly because terminating my first child was the biggest mistake of my life and threw me into a deep depression. Luckily for me I didn't have children to support so could spend 10 years grieving and making shitty self destructive decisions. Given the fact he sounds like a good dad, I think you’ll be fine.

That's not a bad idea ....... I don't think you're suggesting "marry me or I will abort" but if you do go ahead, you DEFINITELY need some security

Clearly not, if she thought she couldn't get pregnant.

It’s such a tough decision. To be completely transparent, I am pro-choice (obviously) but would never have a termination myself.

pros are that your children are all of school age (youngest is 4, so at school now or will be in a few months) so you will only have the babies at home during the school day which makes things easier; twin newborns tend to sleep through at a younger age and be more settled than singletons as there is an element of waiting right from the start for them; twins entertain each other brilliantly from toddling age; your husband / partner sounds like a good dad and wants to proceed with the pregancy.

cons are that you aren’t sure if you want them; newborns are hard work and you will have two of them; you will need a different car; you may have to juggle rooms around to fit 2 new babies in; you aren’t 100% sure your partner will do his extra share of the work.

My husband is an identical twin (he also has a sister 18 months older than him), and his mum found it hard for the first few months but then got into the swing of it and said it’s much easier from around 12 months with twins than a single.

only you can decide, but maybe you need to sit down uninterrupted with your partner and lay out all your worries rationally and talk it through. Such a difficult decision for you, I would keep them but that’s probably because my view is distorted as after my 2 children I received a cancer diagnosis which meant I couldn’t complete my family, that I’d always dreamed of having (4 children) as I had to be put into an early chemical menopause and not allowed to have any more children. I longed for DS2 to be twins funnily enough, but he was just one giant baby!

This is a very sad thread.

first of all: It is your body. Your choice.

Is it possible that this pregnancy has awakened his desire to be a father / have children of his own? That desire can't just be stuffed back in a box and forgotten.

And it would be his right to leave and find a woman that also wants to have children with him.

I am NOT telling you to keep a pregnancy because you are afraid your partner might leave. I am truly not. I am simply saying that it is possible that this has been a bit of a wake up call / awakened a wish he hadn't been previously been aware of.

And no, I am also not saying that adopted children wouldn't be his "real children". But it doesn't sound like he adopted them. He is therefore the stepfather which is not the same as being their actual father. Legally, socially, in many cases emotionally etc... (And adopted children obviously aren't a "fix" for somebody wanting bio kids...)

I had a friend in this situation, a few years older. She was in total shock for a while ! She had the babies, not easy but it was fine.
I think any unexpected pregnancy is a shock, although ime late 30s is a very fertile time, I know a few twin pregnancies by accident at around 40. Give yourself time to absorb the information, don’t make any hasty decisions out of panic, then think about what you want when the shock has subsided.

Oh im so sorry you went through that

Yes but that's the thing men with lots if kids with different women either usually dont bother with them at all or only jsvs them on weekends. The woman does usually fully commit to looking after her children

No identical twins are still cute! I get told all the time how cute mine are U even get asked if they are identical sometimes even though they clearly aren't

Actually twins are sn exception to the two child limit rule! You get benefits for the second one not the first

It's a 'sign' alright. A sign that they weren't using contraception.

Thank you i feel for anyone who has to go through it.

Regardless, the OP has three kids already, the taxpayers can't fund all 5 kids!

She knows her own body

Er, well, clearly she doesn't...

for those bleating about the specialness of twins…
a) it’s not special. It’s just a natural thing that happens sometimes. not a spiritual ‘sign’ or anything like that
b) she doesn’t want one baby now, never mind two!

My DH would be full of "Yay" but internally swearing his head off. I suspect he's feeling the same way you do but doesn't want to appear unsupportive.

Trying to think of the right words when it’s such a big deal… my sister had twins when her first was five years old and could barely cope, even with our mum being there three days a week. It’s different, it isn’t just twice the work of one newborn, it’s a whole other ballgame. Even now she talks about how her eldest changed after they arrived, with great sadness. And she loves them with every bit of her heart but the toll it took on all of them was great.

Your life, just returning to a place which allows you to actually be YOU occasionally, will be turned on its head. Sure, there’s cute moments but for me, personally, it’s insanely outweighed by the downsides. It’s not just you and your DH either, there’s less of you to go around, and with 3 children myself I already feel like I don’t give mine enough, how on earth do you get that real, 1 on 1 connection with your kids with 5 and everything else that our current way of living demands? I can’t help feeling from what you’ve said that you’d be a frazzled shadow of yourself for years… so no, I don’t think you’re heartless to go ahead with a termination, I think you’re sensible, realistic and above all, courageous. 💐

twin newborns tend to sleep through at a younger age and be more settled than singletons as there is an element of waiting right from the start for them; twins entertain each other brilliantly from toddling age

No to all of the above. You clearly don’t have twins. Mine are 6 and still don’t sleep through the night. I have spent many sleepless nights with one drifting and the other waking up. Also twin toddlers do not entertain each other. They fight all day over everything. Every tiny little thing. My girls sometimes can’t breathe the same air.

Yes i don’t recognise that bold statement either. I remember going through a period when mine were probably 2-6 of buying two of the same toy instead of two different types, because whatever one had the other one would want without fail even if they hadn’t show interest in it before!

And then both ditch those toys and start fighting over something else 😆