To want to kill myself over bedtime

[Whathaveidoneeeeee]

No seriously. I have 1 child, 2.5 years old. I am most definitely one and done. If it wasn't for bedtime I could have at least 1-2 more, but it's absolutely KILLING me. Currently 1 hour into incessant screaming and crying - it's the same shit every night. Then he wants another toy, then he wants me to correct his blanket, then he wants another hug, the list goes on. I've stopped (with kind and reassuring words) responding to all his requests, so he knows he can't demand as he pleases and nothing is getting better

I used to stay with him for bedtime, but was stuck for more than an hour every night. Have taught him to fall asleep on his own now but it's AT LEAST 1 hour of constant issues and it just feeds into the night so heavily it makes me so resentful

Excuse my language but HOW THE FUCK are y'all managing?! I'm losing my damn mind!!

As mother of five and grandmother of two I would advocate not engaging once they're supposed to be in bed. Each time they get up take them back to bed without saying a word. I used to sit at the top of the stairs. Make sure they have a drink, make sure they go for a wee. Then just rinse and repeat. It will take a while but once they realise they aren't getting attention, either positive or negative, it won't be worth their while. Also, cut the nap to one hour.
Ignore crying, ignore tantrums, just take them back to bed and leave the room. As many times as you need to. The time it takes will lessen until the behaviour stops. Oh and OP they will need their own room and a "big boys bed."

Some kids can. Some can't. My first dropped his nap at 20 months, by himself. After that, any sneaky naps would mean bedtime was 11pm or so.

His best friend still naps for an hour a day now, and she's 3.5. My son is in bed for 7:30, though, and she goes to bed at 9/9:30. They've got another friend who sleeps 10 - 9 but won't go to bed any earlier.

You have to go on your child.

I mean, or she could kill herself or have no more children? Why should paying for help be criticised? I couldn't teach my kids to swim so paid a swimming teacher. Why is there shame around paying for sleep training?

Where did I say there was shame in it?

https://thesleepcharity.org.uk/information-support/children/childrens-sleep-ebook/

Mine sleeps on a floor mattress in my room or on my bed - never slept in a cot. Assuming yours sleeps in a cot for this to have worked

Yeah i mean thats half your problem. You have to teach them that you won't keep responding to all this shite at bedtime while they are still small/in a cot.

Do that pps approach but accept that foe the first two weeks you will be quietly returning him to bed 25 times until he gets the message he's to stay there. Make sure he gets plenty of attention before - bath, stories until he is calm and drowsy. Then go. He will cry because its a change but he will go to sleep and he will learn over a few weeks that he's safe in his bed & doesn't need you sat in the same room.

When ds was that age, I’d sit with him for a while then tell him I just had to put some clothes away in my room, or some books away, or clean the bathroom etc etc and as long as he could hear me moving about upstairs he was fine. To start with I’d only be away 5 minutes but it gradually got longer. I’d walk past his room and say I’m just going to clean / tidy etc etc
This gradually turned into I’m just going to tidy the kitchen etc -and then as long as he could hear me moving about downstairs it was ok.

it took a couple of weeks but I had a tidy house and he gradually got used to falling asleep alone.

I give in as DD9 wakes up too tired for school the next day after a night battle. I may try on a weekend though, if I have the energy.

Positive update on my end!

Yesterday, 25 mins crying and back and forth - then fast asleep.

Today, took him an hour to fall asleep and he didn't come out once! (only called me once to bring his toy back in his room as it had fallen right outside the door - I'm assuming he now thinks it's that he simply isn't allowed out the room haha, that's great)

I'm so happy :)

Yay! Excellent news!

I haven't RTFT but lavender drops on their pillow worked a treat.

Get on the pipingrock website and order some kid's melatonin gummies.
Seriously.

So the rich don't have to suffer. They can get sleep consultants and night nanny

Your words were shaming her

No I was merely pointing out the 2 tier system. Who was I meant to be shaming? You are obviously reading so ething that's not actually there

solidarity OP. It can be SO infuriating

What I don’t understand from those they say just ignore / return to bed etc - what if you have two kids and one is asleep but the bedtime rogue will undoubtedly wake them if left to their own devices?

Mine are 1.5 and 5 sharing a room. The youngest is usually pretty good at dropping off (haven’t hit the chat back stage yet to be fair!) but the 5 year old can play up loads- sometimes I do leave him and go and tidy downstairs but if he is really wired up and hyper I can tell he would wake the baby/ cause absolute havoc.

Just remembered I made this thread and wanted to do an update 9 months later (he is now 3.5 years old)

He mastered falling asleep on his own with no issues but us sleeping together became a MASSIVE issue along the way, so we now sleep in separate rooms. Strict on 2 toys to bed, sleep sack so he can't make blanket excuses, water bottle and tissues for his snot next to his bed and then 4 VERY tough nights of taking him back every time he came out. Held his hand gently and said "it's nighttime baby, we can talk when it's the morning". Then tons of praise in the morning and during the day

Now I put him to bed 6:30, he sings happily for half an hour, then falls asleep with zero wake-ups in the night, we both get a full night of quality sleep. I am a different person and the memories of how it used to be make me feel sick!

This is to give everyone that's in a similar position hope, and to tell you that you absolutely can make changes while still feeling connected to your child. I, for one, am a MUCH better parent because of it <3

You are a star.
Great job.
In my experience, your method of firm zero tolerance is all that ever worked.

Very tough for a few days, but 100% worth it.

I actually put my babies down awake from newborn stage and it made such a difference.

Teething derailed it briefly but I was determined to be firm.

Sleep depravation is not something I cope with well so self interest kept me strong.

Well done.

Thanks for the update and so glad to hear it's working out for you now! Sleep deprivation is such a big issue and those whose children sleep well can probably never understand.

Enjoy it while it lasts!

Agree with this. I couldn't be bothered with the bullshit so I didn't engage.

The "we will miss this one day" tripe.

I'm going to be honest and say when she was nearly 3 I found that if I closed her bedroom door she couldn't open it. One particularly horrible night I closed the door and sat on one side and cried and she hammered on the other side and wailed. 90 minutes later she fell asleep. It took 60 minutes the following night and then 30 the third night then 5 and then nothing and I put her in bed and she went to sleep. If she woke in the night I went in and checked she was ok and then went out and shut the door. First night she woke 3 times and wailed for about 15 minutes each time. Second night she woke 3 times but went back to sleep faster and by end of the week she slept through. First time EVER.

It always slipped back if she was ill and I didn't stick to what we used to call Nazi bedtime routine of reading a story, cuddling her, tucking her in and then leaving and closing the door. That would mean me having to toughened up and put her to bed and close the door and listen to her cry for some minutes for a night or two until she settled again.

Before that I had 3 years of being up every hour (every 40 minutes for the first year), bedtimes lasting hours and hours. I tried pat/shush, gentle withdrawal, return to bed... I read every parenting book going. The HV told me to do cry it out, my mum told me to do CIO and I said it would be cruel - until eventually she broke me. Lookng back I don't think it was cruel. She got so much more sleep from the first night and after a week bedtimes no longer made me lose my temper, I got to eat a meal at a meal time, I didn't end up falling asleep on her bedroom floor, I could actually drive safely to work and she got to sleep warm and cosy in her bed after a lovely story.

She is 15 now and remembers nothing about it and is lovely, kind and an utter delight. She still sleeps badly though and will still go through phases of waking me up in the night to complain she is not sleeping until I tell her firmly to stop.

I know of quite a few friends whom were brought to their knees before they went the cry it out method.
It was tough for a few days but then suddenly it was fine.
The difference in family life and in their well rested children was stark.

Every single one deeply regretted not doing it earlier and saved themselves, husbands, marriages, health, and their children so much stress.

I never worried about bedtime, mine just went to sleep when tired, stayed down with us in pyjamas until ready.

A wise person once told me that if your child isn’t drifting off to sleep after 20 minutes of your preferred comfort method eg feeding to sleep,cuddles,rocking etc
they’re not tired enough. Give up. Go downstairs and do a quiet activity together like reading or tidy up.
then try again about an hour later. Saves stress for everyone.

is your child still napping in the day ? Napping toddlers typically have later and later bedtimes as sleep needs drop and as they outgrow daytime napping.
join FB group the beyond sleep training project for peer support and advice that involves no tears.

Couldn't disagree more with the last two comments, mine just becomes overtired if I leave it later and bedtime is ten times worse.