To want to kill myself over bedtime

[Whathaveidoneeeeee]

No seriously. I have 1 child, 2.5 years old. I am most definitely one and done. If it wasn't for bedtime I could have at least 1-2 more, but it's absolutely KILLING me. Currently 1 hour into incessant screaming and crying - it's the same shit every night. Then he wants another toy, then he wants me to correct his blanket, then he wants another hug, the list goes on. I've stopped (with kind and reassuring words) responding to all his requests, so he knows he can't demand as he pleases and nothing is getting better

I used to stay with him for bedtime, but was stuck for more than an hour every night. Have taught him to fall asleep on his own now but it's AT LEAST 1 hour of constant issues and it just feeds into the night so heavily it makes me so resentful

Excuse my language but HOW THE FUCK are y'all managing?! I'm losing my damn mind!!

Sorry to hear you're struggling. It is tough!

My DD (3) takes about 1.5-2hrs from start of bath time to actually going to sleep, which eventually happens so late that it's almost my own bedtime. Her bedtime routine now has about 28 steps to it and ends with me lying with her singing endless lullabies until she eventually gives in conks out (usually after I've run low on patience and told her to stop messing about and GO TO SLEEP). I then just about have time to e.g. wash up from dinner and tidy up, and then I should really go to bed but usually end up farting about until at least midnight and then hating myself because I know I'll be knackered and miserable tomorrow!

There are days I find it incredibly frustrating (like when I needed to make her birthday cake and she just wouldn't go to sleep and I ended up doing it in the middle of the night aaaargh). But mostly I'm very aware that, if I'm being honest, I have created this situation myself by being a ridiculous soft touch and it (probably??!) won't be forever and I do actually love the cuddles and stories etc.

Er. So I guess I'm not in the position to give any advice? Just solidarity. The screaming does sound unbelievably tough, and I'm relieved I don't have to deal with that now, but when DD was a baby she used to scream and scream and scream at bedtime. My husband had to march around rocking her and I remember well that the anxiety I felt on the approach of evening was absolutely nauseating and debilitating.

Do you have any help? Any way you can get a break? Anything new you could try, putting on a gentle audiobook or something? Or some of those ear plugs for you that lessen background sound (like Loop?) so you don't feel so overwhelmed by it? Please do consider talking to your GP if you really feel you're struggling.

Ohhh I am so with you. Drop the nap, if you haven't already. We have done about two thirds of the time, and on the days when she's napped it goes on for bloody ever. On the days when she doesn't nap she's spark out by 6:30pm. Heaven.

Nah, it's not, bedtime with a sleep resisting toddler can be hell. Solidarity here with the OP.

If it helps I have 2 kids solo - 23/24 months old and 7/8 months old. I have blackout blinds and dim the lights/put on sleepy time jazz music at 6pm, do bath time, then milk and books/cuddles, the put the youngest down to sleep with a night night song (Good night X, good night x, good night x, I'll see you very soon - you can change X between their name, their cuddly toys, their toes, almost anything as it adds a bit of fun) and white noise, followed by the eldest into sleeping bag, night night song and white noise. Both still in cots but i don't go back in unless it is major. Routine is consistent every day and the night night song seems to help him a lot (he sings it randomly when we are leaving home and at other times to self soothe through a separation). I also make sure to have them out at least once if not twice during the day and if the activity isn't that physical i will let me eldest walk home to tire him out. Basically a combo of strong signals to his brain that it is time to calm down (dark, music, bathtime, reading), making sure he is reasonably tired (but sometimes he will talk to himself and cuddle his toys/suck his thumb for 45 minutes happily), thigns to help with seperation (cuddly toys, his thumb, the nigth night song) and clear boundaries seems to work for us for now.

Your post reminds me of the dance party we used to do when the kids were tiny.

When they were tiny babies we always put on a classical music CD as we did the bed time routine. They’d be in a deep sleep by the time Clair de lune finished.

When they got to toddler stage we had a CD of kids bedtime songs by They Might Be Giants. We’d have a dance to the first couple of songs and then they would drift off to sleep listening to the rest of the CD.

They’re now older teenagers and the challenge is now getting them to actually want to get out of bed in the mornings 😂

Its probably less stressful to let him stay up later or just watch tv in bed with him till he is more sleepy, than to feel this terrible over bedtime.

Yep. I genuinely thought, when she consistently slept through the night at 6 months old, that I'd cracked sleep and that was it, job done. What a moron 🫣

Oh God

Dd is autistic and 6

Bedtime used to be 2 hours of sitting next to her with music on while she fell asleep 😄😄

Now i put her in my bed, put the soaps on low and she falls asleep in under an hour. I am a more sane woman for doing so!

Girl, I am one and done, I understand you 🥰 - it'll get easier

i found bedtimes particularly bad at one point too OP. Would pick my two up from nursery get them fed then the three of us into the double bed which would take an hour till tbey conked out. Then get myself up and get fed it was so frustrating. It does get easier though I promise

My eldest used to be horrendous for sleeping, basically never got an evening as it took so long to get her settled. We dropped naps before she was 2 (didn't like them either) which did help a bit. Got there in the end though.
To give you hope though youngest was totally different and always happy to go to sleep so don't let it put you off another!

I'd reduce or cut the nap.

But honestly if it's this bad, pop the TV on and let him doze off on the sofa and then carry him up. Or let him watch movies in your bed until he drops off.

It's not worth it causing this much stress and anxiety for either you or him.

Newly single? Do you think this has something to do with it.

you know how as adults it’s right when we want to go to sleep that our brains ping into action and our anxieties all come out?

I think you need to rethink your approach to this and take him to his room much earlier than bedtime will be. If bedtime is 7, both of you go in at 6 and spend time together. Jammies on and teeth done and then do all the bedtime faffing that he likes, talk to him, sing songs, read books. Be really really present with him. When you tuck him in, hug and kiss his teddy too. Tell him you love him but tell teddy too. Tell teddy that it’s bedtime but it’s teddy’s job to look after your son all night long. Let your son pick a gentle Yoto story to listen to as he drifts off to sleep.

Make everything super cosy and safe for him. I think he’s needing it and can’t explain that to you.

You have my sympathies. DD2 was like this and also up every 3-4hrs without fail until about 5 or 6yrs old. I remember celebrating when she slept through and the school mums were agog.

I hope this phase passes quicker for you than it did with us but in the meantime my tips:

1. alternate with your partner who does bedtime and stick to it, it’ll break one of you if it’s not fulfilled
2. try a kids Alexa - works a treat for us now (she plays classical music) but I know other kids who listen to stories
3. exercise before bed. I have a friend who had to walk her son a mile each night after tea else he wouldn’t sleep
4. Eat your evening meal early (before bedtime) so you’re not starving and grumpy which makes bed time craziness feel ten times worse. Took me ages to work that out!
5. reward charts worked for us for a little while

Good luck!

A few things could be going on here. Separation anxiety peaks. They push boundaries etc. But if you have a solid routine and as you sleep in same room, I'd start by looking at overall sleep. A 2.5yo needs between 11 and 14hrs total in 24, including naps and is typically moving towards rhe lower end of that range, as by age 3 this drops to 10-13 total. We have done a lot of research and some free sleep consultant help. My 2.5yo now only needs around 11.5hrs total sleep and its getting to the point where if he naps, bedtime is past 8.30 and he wakes at 6. I'm envious of friends kids who are still sleeping 7-7 with a 2 hour nap but there is nothing I can do about it, he needs what he needs.

I'd take a guess that if he's still napping it has to be cut shorter or if it's already an hour or less, it maybe has to go. Online info says they need their nap till nearly 4 but the sleep consultants we used said that in reality most drop it between 2.5 and 3 and a lot of sleep issues around this time are due to needing to get rid of the nap, needing less sleep overall etc. We are keeping the nap but bed is late as a result, so if that's your situation I'd honestly just start bedtime a lot later and then you'll feel less resentful.

If they aren't napping and you're aiming for less than 12hrs overnight already it could be another issue entirely.

My eldest was like this. I think he genuinely thought he was missing something by being in bed. Something exciting happening downstairs. I put him in his own bed in his own room put a baby gate across the door and said he could do whatever he wanted but mummy bedtime was finished. (After I read his bed time story )

When our children were small, we used to refer to that time as “suicide hour”, now they are all adults and have left home. Stay strong, it will pass before you know it.

This. Often woke up to my different dc asleep at the gate.
Fav was one dc who like to rattle a toy up and down the gate for good 10mins like a prisoner from a movie.

Solidarity OP, I have just got my nearly two year old to sleep and I live in Europe so it’s nearly 11:30 here. We have tried everything, same routine since she was born (2nd child so always done bath, books, lullabies and lights out). Dropped the nap, swims everyday, walks and plays outdoors a lot and still it gets later and later and she still wakes up at 7:30 everyday. I have no idea what to do to be honest.

@Whathaveidoneeeeee I remember my youngest suddenly becoming a nightmare at bed time at just after 2yrs. From your posts I'm not sure if he is sleeping in your room or in his own bedroom, but I am all for doing whatever it takes to get him to sleep.
I was on ny own with my DS (and my elder DC) as at the time my DH was working nights, so I used to let him fall asleep on my bed then I would carry him into his own bed, initially this would take up to 2hrs and it was so draining but after he started to fall asleep more quickly I then started to sit with him in his own room until he fell asleep.

Eventually I started putting him in bed and I would then stay in my own room until he fell asleep. Yes he would sometimes get up and mess about but it wasn't quite aa bad as at the beginning. The process probably took about 6 months and honestly at times I was so frustrated and fed up, but it did get better.

Don’t wish to derail the thread but can you say more about how you got the melatonin prescription please?

I have a GP appt next week for DS (nearly 6) as we can’t take the late nights/inability to stay asleep/5am wake ups any longer. It’s miserable.

@Whathaveidoneeeeee I can completely relate. It’s enough to make anyone half lose their mind.

I’ll copy and paste a link to Samual L Jackson narrating the book, Go the Fuck to Sleep. I hope it makes you feel a little bit better.

Oh, and a little tip that I hope works for you. Sometimes pretending to fall asleep while sitting or lying next to toddler can get them to sleep quicker.

Samual L Jackson narrates Go the Fuck to Sleep

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=teIbh8hFQos

Oh god, solidarity and reassurance that you are not alone!

my nearly 4yo is extremely low sleep needs and was AWFUL at sleeping, as a baby she would scream for anyone apart from me and regularly bedtimes would take 2hrs. She dropped all naps shortly after she turned 2 and is much better albeit still very annoying at bedtime 🙈 she is just wired sensitively bless her. I remember going away with friends and they’d just put their 3yo in bed and leave him awake and shut the door, WTF!!

My only advice which others have said too is meet your own needs when you can before bedtime - we now always eat dinner before bed so whoever does bedtime isn’t hungry/thirsty etc.

Mine was never tired until later so we let him stay up with us. We'd get him ready for bed, in pyjamas, etc, after we'd had our dinner. He'd play with toys on the floor, chat a bit, sit between us if we watched TV, then fall asleep and we'd carry him up to bed. It was quite cosy and pleasant, suited us. We did come in for some criticism but were laid back about that, carried on regardless.

I remember, when he first started school, his teacher asking me, "Does D really watch Spitting Image?". Apparently she mentioned the Archbishop of Canterbury and he said he knew who that was, he was the one always having a cup of tea with God.

My DD dropped her nap at 2. Does he have a nightlight? My DS needed one as he was scared of the dark. He had a turtle one that projected stars onto the ceiling. It was lovely :-).

I wish the Supernanny vids were around when my one-and-done was little. Her bedtime routine is great - be consistent, no chatter after the "goodnights". We'd try one thing, it didn't work the first night so we didn't try it again ... Took the sleep clinic to give some helpful advice.

I like the poster above who has had a rethink about bedtime and goes to bed with her DC. Headphones and audiobooks would have been a Godsend for me.