To want to kill myself over bedtime

[Whathaveidoneeeeee]

No seriously. I have 1 child, 2.5 years old. I am most definitely one and done. If it wasn't for bedtime I could have at least 1-2 more, but it's absolutely KILLING me. Currently 1 hour into incessant screaming and crying - it's the same shit every night. Then he wants another toy, then he wants me to correct his blanket, then he wants another hug, the list goes on. I've stopped (with kind and reassuring words) responding to all his requests, so he knows he can't demand as he pleases and nothing is getting better

I used to stay with him for bedtime, but was stuck for more than an hour every night. Have taught him to fall asleep on his own now but it's AT LEAST 1 hour of constant issues and it just feeds into the night so heavily it makes me so resentful

Excuse my language but HOW THE FUCK are y'all managing?! I'm losing my damn mind!!

No daytime nap.
Gate in doorway
Make sure he has water and comfort (special toy)
Leave him to it, checking regularly

I missed the bit about him napping. Yes, OP this is probably a really simple solution. Why are you torturing yourself over it? Cut the nap and he’ll be knackered by bedtime. Then create a solid routine and stick to it religiously. A nap is nothing for you compared with an evening to yourself, you won’t miss it when it’s gone.

I don’t have the answers but I feel for you.
Went through it with my eldest…every night. “I need a wee….i need a drink…my duvet fell off…”
I can’t even remember how I got through it or what solved it, I just remember being at the end of my bloody tether for what seemed like a lifetime (not helped by DH working away so it was my responsibility nearly all week)
I seem to remember using reward charts, and a CD player with story CDs (it was 27 years ago)
Good luck 🤞🏻

Have you got the option of giving him his own room?

Routine is key I think. We always did milk and biscuit watching CBeebies bedtime hour. As soon as it finished it was teeth then upstairs, story and bed. This made sure they weren’t hungry, thirsty or needing a wee as they got into bed. The story helped them with the transition into settling into bed and the fact we did the same thing each night triggered the routine response into making them know it was sleep time. It takes time, patience and consistency but worth the effort in the long term.

Does he go to nursery? If he does make sure you give some positive one to one attention after he gets home in case the unsettled part is about gaining one to one attention.

I think the sleep part of parenting young children is one of the frustrating parts.

OP just to add to the confusion... I personally don't think the nap is the problem.
Both mine napped til they were well gone 3. If he's overtired that's not going to help anything

I'm sorry. It's shit. You're right you won't miss it and you are being heard.

Agree the nap is too long. I'd reduce right down to 45 min so he's more tired at bedtime.

Look at his nap first. I don’t think a 2.5 year old needs more than 1-2 hours a day. By that age my DS had dropped his completely. Long bedtimes are often a sign of too much day sleep. Look at the timing of it too - he needs to build enough sleep pressure again before bed.

We have always had a strict bedtime routine. Bath at 6.15, out by 6.30 and then we let him run around naked for a bit (to let his last bit of energy out). By 6.45 it’s pjs on, milk, stories, cuddles and into bed. I sit and hold his hand and he’ll usually want to talk - I do this for a few mins then I just constantly say ‘it’s sleepy time now’ until he goes quiet. Then I leave him to it and he’s usually asleep within 10 mins.

Supernanny is your friend OP. Her bedtime method worked for us. Bloody hard but if you stick at it, you will get there.
First time they come out of their room you say “ Bedtime darling” & take them back. Don’t say anything else.
Second time just say “ Bedtime”.
Third time don’t say anything.
Then you just keep taking them back. Don’t say anything. I think our record was over 50 times! But it’s so worth it for ( eventual) peaceful bedtimes & you get more of an evening. Obviously it’s different if your little one is poorly or something.

I would cap it at 45 minutes or an hour and see if that helps. My son was a nightmare at bedtime for a while before he dropped his nap and then once it was gone it was so much better. He just didn't have enough sleep pressure to fall asleep quickly while he was still napping.

Some kids hold on to their nap til three but it's more usual that they're dropping it around this age, and given how long bedtime is taking I think in OP's case it's much more likely that her child is under-tired than over-tired. There isn't a huge amount of scientific backing for the idea of over-tiredness, whereas we know children need to have a certain amount of sleep pressure to fall asleep.

Of course every child is different and this might not be what works for OP but I think it's worth a try in her case.

I hope you're OK, OP. I have a 2 year old and I find it very hard too.

Read my thread from yesterday op. I completely understand you when posted your title. I’m sitting with this with a 9yo and 2.5yo. I live an utterly miserable life. I can’t wait for them to grow up. People just do not understand it who don’t have kids that are so incredibly needy.
we did the sleep training, gentle parenting, shouting and punishment, everything.
is your dc just only like this at bedtime?

I completely understand your frustration. My eldest didn’t sleep through or settle before midnight until she was 5. She barely napped in the day either - just 10 mins now and then and only on me. I think you’re doing the best you can and hopefully this will pass.
I don’t know whether you’ve come across this book before, but it may provide a little light relief!
https://amzn.eu/d/j95aOHF

So true about their personalities. One of my friends always says that if she had her second one first she would never have had another! First one just settled at night and went to sleep, second was the complete opposite. I can remember looking after another friend's daughter one evening, did the bath, the story, sang a couple of songs and she just went to sleep! I was stunned, she is a teen now and is even keener on sleep these days

HRTWH

i only cracked it with number 3, when I realised he had a tired window at 6.00pm, so put him to bed then.
game changer!
but also probable it was his personality or just luck.

Hi all, just wanted to say a massive thank you to everyone that's commented. I've read and reread all comments writing down notes from all your personal experiences, and took action effective immediately.

I tried to see if he could hack going without a nap, and this was completely impossible as he was falling asleep standing up. So he woke up 7am, had a nap 1-1:50pm, and the plan was to put him to bed 7:30pm, however, life got in the way and it was 8:10pm when I left the room so he may have been very overtired (but seemed very energetic). Made it very clear about the last kiss and hug and anything else he needs he will have to do on his own. Spent extra time singing for him and kissing him to make sure he was all good.

Oh my god. The screaming as soon as I left the room. But I stayed strong following the supernanny method as mentioned. 1st time "bedtime darling", 2nd time "bedtime" and after that I put him back emotionless and reactionless every time no matter what he asked for (except 1 time after he'd screamed for one last hug and kiss a million times and I was curious if he was gonna be satisfied and then go to bed, but ofc he kept coming out asking for more).

I read someone saying they had to take their kid back around 50 times first night. This was like 50 times within the first few minutes - basically just a back and forth! The screaming was intense. I am still shaking from anxiety and guilt.

But 20ish minutes after leaving the room, he was fast asleep! That is insanely big progress!

I'm really hoping this was because of the method which will stick after a while, and not because he was so overtired he just gave up. Time will tell. Nonetheless, eternally grateful for all advice given and my deepest empathy for everyone who have shared stories that are similar in nature to this. You are all such stars

I’m so happy to read this.

@Whathaveidoneeeeee Well done, sounds like it would have been very tough! Hopefully it will be short term pain for long term gain 🤞

Thats such good news. I came onto suggest just not engaging/speaking etc.
It’s just one of those hurdles you will get over and get your evenings back.

I usually give up after about 400 attempts with my DD9. I think I managed it once.

He's 2. He doesn't have to give up the nap. My sons 3 and still naps. Can nap 3/4hrs and still sleep fine on a night

So did mine but your son is your son, my son is mine, and OP’s is hers. They’re all different and plenty of children have dropped naps altogether by 2 and a half. OP might need to try cutting the length of naps on the way to dropping them altogether. It is not bad advice to suggest this and see if it helps.

Both my kids are terrible sleepers, eldest didn't sleep through until 4.5 and youngest is 3.5 and still woke a couple of times last night. Neither go to bed and both wake ridiculously early.

I know it sounds stupid but I had to embrace it after it nearly broke me with my eldest. Assuming I'd be in it for the long haul I've structured everything so that it's as manageable as possible until they sleep better (or move out). My daughter sleeps on a double mattress on the floor and I join her. Both kids still take a longish time to go to sleep, but very strict on pyjamas, no lights except night lights, ladybird sleepy tales and lie down next to them in bed. Letting them sleep on me if needed. I plan for that time and use it as my wind down time. If I know I don't have it in me, I let them stay up and watch Julia Donaldson shows on iPlayer or cbeebies book at bedtime, this doesn't happen regularly, but I know it's there if I don't have the capacity to handle bedtime.

You need to be more determined than them. Otherwise it’s long years of pain.

With the Supernanny technique, it’s really important that you don’t ’give in’ and communicate after you’ve gone through the ‘Bedtime, darling’ and ‘Bedtime’ stages.
Any communication beyond that point and you virtually have to start over.
Oh, and kids always become hyper/highly energised when they’re overtired!!

Well done on your brilliant progress! 👏
Keep up the good work 🩵 xx