To be fuming OH didn't change baby's nappy ONCE while I was out??

[Grantoffs]

Went out for the afternoon, first proper time to myself in god knows how long. Was out 1 til just after 7. OH had DS (9mo) all day, I’d prepped everything. Nappies, wipes, food, spare clothes. Told him when baby last ate and had a change etc.

Come home and DS STINKS. Like full on knock-you-over smell. Changed him straight away and his poor bum is bright red, even had a bit of rash coming up. 😩 He’d 100% pooed ages ago and been sat in it. I asked OH when he last changed him and he just SHRUGGED and said “I didn’t think he needed one??” then started mumbling something about him napping so he didn’t wanna disturb him.

Mate. You’ve had him SIX HOURS. You didn’t once think to just check his nappy??? DS always poos after lunch, it’s not some mystery. He was up and about, playing, eating, not exactly zonked out the whole time.

I’m honestly so angry. DS was crying while I cleaned him up, obviously sore. He’s never been left like that with me, I check him constantly. OH acted like I was overreacting and said “it’s just one nappy.” Yeah and now DS is miserable and can’t settle for bed.

Also he didn’t give him the food I left – gave him half a banana and some crisps?? Said he didn’t want to make a mess with the proper food 🙄

Feel like I can’t trust him to do the basics. He’s not a babysitter ffs he’s his DAD. And I know if it was me that left DS in a dirty nappy all day everyone would call me neglectful.

AIBU to be this annoyed?? Or should I just chalk it up to him being clueless and try not to blow it up? Dunno if it’s me being hormonal or what. Just feel really let down.

This can't be the first time you've left the baby with his father, though?

I’d be annoyed. Is he usually useless?

YANBU. He should be able to feed the baby proper food, especially considering he didn't have to make it himself and you left it for him and he should know to change a nappy. Saying the baby was asleep is no excuse and would not have been for the whole time you were out. I would be fuming and concerned over his lack of interest verging towards neglect.

Yes I'd be very angry. He has actually harmed your child.

Is there anyone else he'd listen to? For example can you ask the health visitor to give him a call and use some scary words like "criminal neglect".

Not unreasonable at all to be annoyed. If my husband couldn’t provide the absolute basics of care for his own child- fed, clean, dry- then I’d be seriously rethinking my marriage to be honest. I don’t need a “partner” who needs a reminder to change his own child’s nappy.

There’s doing things differently and there is neglecting basic care. He needs to get his shit together and fast. I would be absolutely furious and would make sure he knew about it.

Dont let this stop you taking time for yourself though, it’s important you have time to reset and recharge.

I’d be seriously rethinking my marriage to be honest.

Me too. Does he have any personal hygiene himself? Can he hold down a job? Does he wipe his own bum properly?!

He really is quite the selfish waste of space.
Has he looked after his dc before? He needs more practice but seems to be trying to make sure you won’t make him do it again.
Is he this selfish and uncaring generally ?

I'd be fuming as well. 6 hours even without a poo he will need changing. As for the food, its the height of laziness by him. I think he's done this on purpose so you won't leave the baby in his care in the future. Selfish pig. You'd be better off on your own sweetheart.

This is neglectful parenting from OP and I would be very cross. What was he doing all afternoon instead of meeting the basic needs of his own baby?

I wouldn't be with someone who found it appropriate to neglect their child and that's exactly what it is.

You also shouldn't be 'prepping' things for him. As you said, he's the dad not the babysitter.

Yep your dh is useless - if this is the first time, you need to put him in charge every Saturday, supervise until he isn’t neglectful, then go out regularly. Otherwise what is the point of him?

He does this so that you don't leave him to care for the baby again.

^

This is upsetting to read. I wouldn’t be able to forgive him. Poor baby.

I’d be fuming. And if he’s practicing the incompetence thing so that you don’t leave him in sole charge again I’d be tempted to chuck him out.

I think my response would be 'you do realise that if I was as shit a parent as you are, our baby would have been taken into care by now?'

Honestly, stay angry. He needs to get better at this FAST.

AIBU to be this annoyed?? Or should I just chalk it up to him being clueless and try not to blow it up? Dunno if it’s me being hormonal or what. Just feel really let down.

It's really depressing that you think you could in any way be unreasonable. Your bar can't surely be that low that you think it's just him being clueless. He's doing it on purpose.

You need to leave.

FGS don’t have another one with him as this won’t get better.

Id Be so cross - and upset! He’s let you and DS down badly.

That is neglect. He needs to understand how bad this is.

Tbh I don't think you're angry enough. I'd be asking him to stay at his mum's for a few days (or taking the kids to my mum's for a few days) lest the anger get the better of me and I kill him while he sleeps.

I'm wondering if he just doesn't care, is really that incompetent or is trying to make sure you don't leave him with the baby again and he can go back to doing what he wants.

To my mind, no one can be that stupid to not feed a baby properly or change him, so I think he is trying to make it your job.

I would sit him down and say very seriously that if he can't do the basics he is guilty of parental neglect and would be considered unfit as a father. He needs to step up and change the baby as well as feed him at least once a day (minimum) because you won't accept your child being neglected if you need to go out. He might blow up and refuse but he needs to see he really is a bit rubbish if he can't do the basics for his own child.

Dd was incredibly high needs (later figured out ASD) and wouldn’t take a bottle. The first time I left her for 1 single hour she was 9 months old. Every family is different.

Thanks everyone, honestly reading your replies is making me feel less crazy.

Yeah this is the first proper time I’ve been out without DS since he was born. Apart from like quick trips to the supermarket or popping out for Calpol or whatever. I’ve not had an actual break where I wasn’t rushing back. Thought we’d turned a corner and he could manage a few hours.

DS’s cheeks were bright red when I got home. Like properly blotchy like he’d been crying hard, and that’s not like him at all. He’s usually a happy little soul. Makes me feel sick thinking he might’ve been crying in discomfort while OH sat there ignoring it.

To the people asking, no, OH isn’t always this bad but he definitely acts like everything baby-related is my domain. He’ll do stuff if I ask really specifically, but never thinks for himself. Like if I say “can you give him his bottle at 3?” he will, but he’ll wait til exactly 3 and won’t think to check his nappy at the same time or notice DS is hungry earlier. Just no initiative.

And yeah… his own hygiene isn’t great tbh. He’s not minging but he will go 2 days without showering and has never been the type to keep on top of laundry or even brush DS’s hair. I thought he’d level up a bit when baby came along but not much has changed.

I think a few of you are right, maybe he wanted to make it seem like he couldn’t cope so I wouldn’t leave him again. Which makes me feel even worse tbh. Like I’m being played.

Not sure what to do now. Just gutted and exhausted.

I’d suspect that your dp was focused on activities other than the baby - is he a gamer or a Wimbledon fan?
something that he didn’t want to interrupt and kept putting off baby’s needs.
And added bonus you are unlikely to leave dc with him in the near future so win win for dp.
Horrid for the baby and for you.
out of interest what food/snacks did dp eat himself? More than half a banana and a few crisps I bet.