Friend being unkind about my daughter

[Nessa1777]

My childhood friend of 40 years has been hostile towards my 25 year old daughter. Background is that this friend has not been a reliable friend and missed out on a critical 10 years of my life (birth of kids, my wedding, my fathers death) she sees me as her “bestie” and makes it known she knows me more than anyone and has known me longer than anyone. She can go weeks without being in touch and would drop me if she met a new man. She’s now happily married. I lived down south until two years ago where my husband and I moved north to where she lives to be near my mother. My son who is 27 stayed in the south and my daughter aged 25 was meant to be living away but she ended up moving up with us.
Two years ago I had a barbecue where my friend came, she was messing with the meat and complaining there was not much meat on the bones. My daughter made a joke “well if that’s how you feel you can fuck offer home after that hotdog” laughing. This was witnessed by 4 others including me and I knew it was a joke and thought nothing more of it.
After a few days she telephoned me to ask how I thought the night had gone?
She then told me she had cried all weekend due to the comment my daughter made and how she would never speak to her mothers friend like that. I said numerous times that it would be a joke and my daughter would never be cruel and unkind, I asked my daughter about it and she confirmed it was banter. All the other witnesses saw it as banter.
Fast forward two years and she’s still bringing it up “well the last time I saw her she told me to fuck off”
She explained she was annoyed with my daughter because I am her “bestie” and she couldn’t understand why my daughter was living with us because we apparently wanted a new chapter and new life and she wanted to protect me! She went as far as to say “what’s she even doing here?? “
I am conflicted in loyalty to my daughter and my friendship. I’m concerned that 2 years on she’s still thinking about a comment made by a 23 year old.
Just some extra context, she has no other friends that I have seen, her wedding reception was very absent of friends. They appear to have come and gone in her life. She keeps saying how she knows me longest and better than anyone else

I think that was quite a rude thing for your daughter to say, tbh, and I wouldn't be massively impressed if my daughter said that to one of my friends. However, my friends are adults and would not dwell on things like that and wouldn't prance around yapping about besties, like an overgrown Y8. I think you've probably outgrown each other, really.

End the friendship. You haven’t said positive thing about her.

Why are you conflicted? Your loyalty should surely be to your daughter, mine certainly would be. The next time she brings it up, shut her down by saying you don’t want to hear her negativity about your daughter.

Whilst I do think your daughter's comment was rude, joke or not, got say you're conflicted in loyalty? Why?! You've bit said a good thing about this so called friend.

That’s a really weird thing for your daughter to have said even as a joke. Did anyone apologise to your friend? What a mess all round!

I wouldn’t like it if someone spoke to me like that, it’s not funny.

Your daughter was rude , end of . Words like you can fuck off home are nasty and not lightened by any way of saying them .

There’s a fine line between banter and bullying and it looks like your daughter needs to learn it and understand appropriateness with people she may not know that well

having said that - you clearly don’t like this woman and you are not obliged to remain friends with her. It doesn’t sound like she likes you much either tbh so weird she is so persistent

Jokes are supposed to be funny. This ‘joke’ wasn’t. Was actually quite rude.
however the woman doesn’t sound like a person you like so no need to chose- just ghost her.

Unless there's a drip feed coming about how your DD and your friend had a really "bantery" relationship and were exchanging affectionate insults back and forth in the run up to the incident, then your DD was incredibly cheeky to have said that to a guest in her home.

Your friend, however, sounds like an annoying, immature drama queen who brings nothing to the table.

@Nessa1777 I would not be impressed if my friend's adult 'child' spoke to me in the way you have described in the opening post. However, the 'argument' was between them, two adults. You don't seem particularly fond of this friend and if it is bothering you that she still brings up the rebuff from your daughter, I'd kindly tell her it was a long time ago and it did not involve you.

This. You are not this woman's friend.

Your daughter was rude, and to be honest her 'joke' sounds very passive aggressive. Which is how your friend obviously took it. Perhaps if you or your daughter apologised for upsetting her she wouldn't be still bringing it up.

At the same time your friend really needs to let it go at this point or end the friendship.

Your daughter was rude. It's weird that you can't see that and I would imagine that's why it's still on your friends mind. That said, kids over friends any day of the week.

I would be very unimpressed with my DDs behaviour if she spoke to a guest in my house like that. Don't try to brush it off as banter, it was rude and your DD needs to own that.

Your friend sounds lonely and struggles with boundaries. Only you can decide whether the friendship is healthy or not to continue or has perhaps run its course. You do seem to look down on her though so perhaps it would be better for both of you to seek new friendships elsewhere.

I can't imagine one of my friends daughters speaking to me like that and I know them very well so I'm not surprised she was shocked by it.

You clearly don't like her though so it's probably best to end the "friendship".

I think that your daughter's joke was rude and inappropriate, but your friend is weird for still holding on to it two years later. It's also none of her business whether your daughter still lives with you, her comments on that are unnecessary.

If you genuinely feel torn between them then your loyalty should be to your daughter, but perhaps you can set boundaries with your friend and ask her not to discuss your daughter any more.

Here’s a different take - your daughter wasn’t joking.
Your ‘friend’ was extremely rude criticising your meat … and your daughter put her in her place.
Maybe she shouldn’t have sworn , but…
Have you never, ever wondered why she had no friends?
She sounds awful.
Fade her out …. Or let your daughter get rid of her.
(I’m team daughter)

Your daughter was rude.
However, your 'friend' doesn't sound like much of a friend and YABU to put up with her.

why does there have to be teams?

Why are you tolerating someone badmouthing your daughter?

She then told me she had cried all weekend due to the comment my daughter made and how she would never speak to her mothers friend like that.

Your ‘friend’ needs to learn resilience.

I think it sounds like your daughter was just having banter...ive definitely heard comments like this made before between adults...which is what everyone is.

Nonetheless id take my daughters side your friend is going on about something 2nyears later!

This. Your daughter was very rude but you don’t sound like you actually like your ‘friend’ at all.

I’m around the same age as your DD. If someone was whining about my mum’s BBQ food I wouldn’t be impressed and I’d probably want to have a jokey dig. There’s some of my mum’s friends who I’ve known ages and who I have a close banter relationship with, there’s others who are strictly mum’s friends. Depending on what category they fall into would dictate what I would say.

I get why she was a bit rude, because your friend was being rude. If someone has provided you food don’t complain… especially with a hotdog in hand!

I'd be clear with her.
There is no conflict. Your daughter is your daughter. Your relationship with her is none of her business