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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend being unkind about my daughter

330 replies

Nessa1777 · 05/07/2025 13:20

My childhood friend of 40 years has been hostile towards my 25 year old daughter. Background is that this friend has not been a reliable friend and missed out on a critical 10 years of my life (birth of kids, my wedding, my fathers death) she sees me as her “bestie” and makes it known she knows me more than anyone and has known me longer than anyone. She can go weeks without being in touch and would drop me if she met a new man. She’s now happily married. I lived down south until two years ago where my husband and I moved north to where she lives to be near my mother. My son who is 27 stayed in the south and my daughter aged 25 was meant to be living away but she ended up moving up with us.
Two years ago I had a barbecue where my friend came, she was messing with the meat and complaining there was not much meat on the bones. My daughter made a joke “well if that’s how you feel you can fuck offer home after that hotdog” laughing. This was witnessed by 4 others including me and I knew it was a joke and thought nothing more of it.
After a few days she telephoned me to ask how I thought the night had gone?
She then told me she had cried all weekend due to the comment my daughter made and how she would never speak to her mothers friend like that. I said numerous times that it would be a joke and my daughter would never be cruel and unkind, I asked my daughter about it and she confirmed it was banter. All the other witnesses saw it as banter.
Fast forward two years and she’s still bringing it up “well the last time I saw her she told me to fuck off”
She explained she was annoyed with my daughter because I am her “bestie” and she couldn’t understand why my daughter was living with us because we apparently wanted a new chapter and new life and she wanted to protect me! She went as far as to say “what’s she even doing here?? “
I am conflicted in loyalty to my daughter and my friendship. I’m concerned that 2 years on she’s still thinking about a comment made by a 23 year old.
Just some extra context, she has no other friends that I have seen, her wedding reception was very absent of friends. They appear to have come and gone in her life. She keeps saying how she knows me longest and better than anyone else

OP posts:
FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 05/07/2025 13:57

I wouldn't like anyone saying that to me, joke or not. It's really unkind. Telling anyone to F off is not my cup of tea, although I know a lot of people joke like that and I am quite sensitive to being sworn at.

However your friend was a guest and she shouldn't have complained about the food and she doesn't sound like a good friend anyway.

Muffinmam · 05/07/2025 13:58

You have failed to raise a decent human being.

Your daughter spoke like absolute trash.

This isn’t about your friend. This is about you failing as a host and still having your 25 year old daughter living with you and insulting a guest.

This is absolutely disgusting behaviour on your daughter’s part and you seemingly just don’t get it.

FartyBumCheeks · 05/07/2025 14:00

You were hosting the barbecue, so presumably had paid for and prepared the meat your friend was inspecting and complaining about?

To me, it looks that your friend was being incredibly rude. As a fellow guest/friend this would have made me feel pretty awkward, and possibly feel the need to say something myself.

Your daughter didn’t know this woman, and pulled her up on her rudeness. A bit blunt, granted, but I think she actually made a very good point. It seems to me that your daughter has the measure of your self proclaimed ‘bestie’

DiscoBob · 05/07/2025 14:00

I can't believe your daughter told a guest in your home to fuck off?!

It's not a joke. It's exceptionally rude. I'd have told her so. Why did she feel the need to be so aggressive? Did she rear the sheep herself that the chops came from? She probably didn't even buy any if it herself?

I think she should've apologised to your friend at the time. It does seem a long time to hold a grudge but I wouldn't forgive and forget that type of comment that easily. Especially If it was laughed off at the time when anyone would be offended.

Seventree · 05/07/2025 14:00

Your daughter was really rude, I'd avoid her after a comment like that.

Your friend is overstepping with her comments about your relationship with your daughter though.

TammyJones · 05/07/2025 14:00

LadyMargaretPoledancer · 05/07/2025 13:36

why does there have to be teams?

Show quote history

Eh?
There doesn’t
It was a bit of a light hearted comment.

LittlleMy · 05/07/2025 14:00

Newgirls · 05/07/2025 13:28

That’s a really weird thing for your daughter to have said even as a joke. Did anyone apologise to your friend? What a mess all round!

Agree! If it was to her own friend with whom she has that kind of close relationship with then yes, it’s banter. But if you say it to anyone else, then it’s not really banter is it. At best it’s a bad joke and worst it’s rude.

nomas · 05/07/2025 14:00

Muffinmam · 05/07/2025 13:58

You have failed to raise a decent human being.

Your daughter spoke like absolute trash.

This isn’t about your friend. This is about you failing as a host and still having your 25 year old daughter living with you and insulting a guest.

This is absolutely disgusting behaviour on your daughter’s part and you seemingly just don’t get it.

What’s disgusting and trashy is the way you speak about a 25yo young woman.

The weirdo here is the so called friend who thinks she has a say on whether OP’s dd should live with her.

Titasaducksarse · 05/07/2025 14:01

Christ all the pearl clutching.

I'd say to any close friend or family 'off you fuck then' if they were being ungracious when I'd catered a party they were invited to then were complaining.

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 05/07/2025 14:01

Your daughter was rude.

I don’t understand your criticisms of your friend either, which seem to be centred on how she’s not in continuous contact with you. I think that’s perfectly normal in adult friendships. I can go weeks and months without talking to friends, we’re still friends.

AnneMarieW · 05/07/2025 14:03

YABU. Your daughter was rude. Your friend made a grumpy comment not aimed specifically at anyone, but your daughter responded “fuck off” to her. That might be considered banter between peers but not with someone much older than her that isn’t her friend.

And it was made even worse when after you found out that friend was upset, you downplayed it rather than apologising for your DD’s behaviour or asking your daughter to apologise herself. If you/she had, then I suspect that would have been the end of it. As it is your friend is still going on about it and hostile to you about your daughter as your behaviour has made her realise she’s not important to you as a friend. So distance yourself the way she did to you for ten years and let her go - everything you’ve said here sounds like you don’t really like her anyway.

TammyJones · 05/07/2025 14:03

FartyBumCheeks · 05/07/2025 14:00

You were hosting the barbecue, so presumably had paid for and prepared the meat your friend was inspecting and complaining about?

To me, it looks that your friend was being incredibly rude. As a fellow guest/friend this would have made me feel pretty awkward, and possibly feel the need to say something myself.

Your daughter didn’t know this woman, and pulled her up on her rudeness. A bit blunt, granted, but I think she actually made a very good point. It seems to me that your daughter has the measure of your self proclaimed ‘bestie’

Completely agree….she was actually defending you op.
No one goes ti a barbecue and starts complaining about it in front of everybody- very rude indeed.

OutdoorQueen · 05/07/2025 14:04

Your ‘friend’ was being rude complaining about the meat, or lack of.
Your daughter spoke to her like she would one of her own mates. I’m not clutching at pearls thinking it’s a rude awful thing to say like some.

loyalty with your daughter!

Next time your not a real friend talks about her just stop her in her tracks with ‘she’s my daughter, she will always be in my life, get over it’

WaltzingWaters · 05/07/2025 14:05

Your DD’s comment doesn’t sound like a joke/banter. It’s really rude. I could understand maybe if it were a close friend she was speaking to and they generally speak to each other that way as banter. But a really odd and rude thing to say to your mums friend. Although your friend was also rude to be complaining about the food (unless she brought the food herself), but DD’s response seems too much.

However, despite that your friend sounds like quite hard work and of course your loyalty should be with your Dd.

Longyitudeed · 05/07/2025 14:05

I don't like "banter" and it was rude.
Your friend sounds weird and possessive.
Your family and your daughter are none of her business.
I would step back from her.

BlueRin5eBrigade · 05/07/2025 14:06

Your daughter was rude.

Your friend is being dramatic and dragging it out.

Member984815 · 05/07/2025 14:07

Your friend seems jealous of your daughter, she probably assumed she would be your priority when you moved . I think she is trying to make herself a victim to keep you bowing to her. 2 years is a long time to be rehashing the same off colour joke , I'd have shut this down straight away the first time she brought it up . It's none of her business what your daughter is doing with her life .

JurgenKloppsTeeth · 05/07/2025 14:07

I think your daughter has got the measure of this woman and has probably had enough of her pathetic behaviour.

While I understand that some people would find that language offensive, I suspect your daughter has probably just had enough of the whining and drama. She’s done you a favour. There’s no dilemma here: ditch the ‘friend’.

InALonelyWorld · 05/07/2025 14:08

Your DD's comment was rude and if i was in that position would have pulled her up on it. I had a relative who often made comments or in "jokes" like that or "if you don't like it, you know where the door is". It's regularly done when something has been said that they don't like and it comes across in a way to make you know your place/their house their rules/shut up and put up.

You obviously and understandably have more loyalty to your DD, but it's clear you musnt like this woman anyways as you haven't really been nice about her. So just end the friendship for everyone's sake.

grumpygrape · 05/07/2025 14:08

It's all about tone of voice isn't it. If you witnessed the comment and thought it was a joke tell BF to B Off

godmum56 · 05/07/2025 14:09

TammyJones · 05/07/2025 13:36

Here’s a different take - your daughter wasn’t joking.
Your ‘friend’ was extremely rude criticising your meat … and your daughter put her in her place.
Maybe she shouldn’t have sworn , but…
Have you never, ever wondered why she had no friends?
She sounds awful.
Fade her out …. Or let your daughter get rid of her.
(I’m team daughter)

this. Your "friend" seems not to benefit you at all. setting aside your daughter's comment why do you stay in touch?

SL2924 · 05/07/2025 14:10

Your daughter was incredibly rude. Your friend was also rude. But if you don’t like this woman then just don’t be friends with her. Seems like a lot of drama from such a small incident.

ExtraOnions · 05/07/2025 14:10

Your daughter was extremely rude

Your friend over-reacted

You should tell your daughter not to speak to people like that

You should tell your friend not to be mean about your daughter

Part of me wonders of you are exaggerating your friends behaviour, to justify the behaviour of your daughter.

TammyJones · 05/07/2025 14:11

MrTiddlesTheCat · 05/07/2025 13:44

Why are people saying the DD was rude and should apologise? Surely she was just matching the friend's rudeness about the meat. Sounds like the friend can dish it out but can't take it.

I was just about to this.
Sounds like a loyal and protective DD

Ski4130 · 05/07/2025 14:11

Nessa1777 · 05/07/2025 13:20

My childhood friend of 40 years has been hostile towards my 25 year old daughter. Background is that this friend has not been a reliable friend and missed out on a critical 10 years of my life (birth of kids, my wedding, my fathers death) she sees me as her “bestie” and makes it known she knows me more than anyone and has known me longer than anyone. She can go weeks without being in touch and would drop me if she met a new man. She’s now happily married. I lived down south until two years ago where my husband and I moved north to where she lives to be near my mother. My son who is 27 stayed in the south and my daughter aged 25 was meant to be living away but she ended up moving up with us.
Two years ago I had a barbecue where my friend came, she was messing with the meat and complaining there was not much meat on the bones. My daughter made a joke “well if that’s how you feel you can fuck offer home after that hotdog” laughing. This was witnessed by 4 others including me and I knew it was a joke and thought nothing more of it.
After a few days she telephoned me to ask how I thought the night had gone?
She then told me she had cried all weekend due to the comment my daughter made and how she would never speak to her mothers friend like that. I said numerous times that it would be a joke and my daughter would never be cruel and unkind, I asked my daughter about it and she confirmed it was banter. All the other witnesses saw it as banter.
Fast forward two years and she’s still bringing it up “well the last time I saw her she told me to fuck off”
She explained she was annoyed with my daughter because I am her “bestie” and she couldn’t understand why my daughter was living with us because we apparently wanted a new chapter and new life and she wanted to protect me! She went as far as to say “what’s she even doing here?? “
I am conflicted in loyalty to my daughter and my friendship. I’m concerned that 2 years on she’s still thinking about a comment made by a 23 year old.
Just some extra context, she has no other friends that I have seen, her wedding reception was very absent of friends. They appear to have come and gone in her life. She keeps saying how she knows me longest and better than anyone else

How can you feel conflicted between your daughter and your friend? Whilst I can understand feeling some empathy towards your friend, there’s not a bit of me that would have conflicting loyalties between a friend and my child!

Your daughter may have thought she was being funny, she clearly wasn’t actually telling your friend to F off. it’s misjudged at worst, but does it deserve this level of poring over and re hashing? No.

Your friend sounds very single white female and the fact she insists on telling you she knows you better than anyone else would ring alarm bells. Your child, whether she’s 23 or 3, is where your loyalties should lie, and if any of my friends kept talking about my child like this, I’d give them a very wide berth.