Friend being unkind about my daughter

[Nessa1777]

My childhood friend of 40 years has been hostile towards my 25 year old daughter. Background is that this friend has not been a reliable friend and missed out on a critical 10 years of my life (birth of kids, my wedding, my fathers death) she sees me as her “bestie” and makes it known she knows me more than anyone and has known me longer than anyone. She can go weeks without being in touch and would drop me if she met a new man. She’s now happily married. I lived down south until two years ago where my husband and I moved north to where she lives to be near my mother. My son who is 27 stayed in the south and my daughter aged 25 was meant to be living away but she ended up moving up with us.
Two years ago I had a barbecue where my friend came, she was messing with the meat and complaining there was not much meat on the bones. My daughter made a joke “well if that’s how you feel you can fuck offer home after that hotdog” laughing. This was witnessed by 4 others including me and I knew it was a joke and thought nothing more of it.
After a few days she telephoned me to ask how I thought the night had gone?
She then told me she had cried all weekend due to the comment my daughter made and how she would never speak to her mothers friend like that. I said numerous times that it would be a joke and my daughter would never be cruel and unkind, I asked my daughter about it and she confirmed it was banter. All the other witnesses saw it as banter.
Fast forward two years and she’s still bringing it up “well the last time I saw her she told me to fuck off”
She explained she was annoyed with my daughter because I am her “bestie” and she couldn’t understand why my daughter was living with us because we apparently wanted a new chapter and new life and she wanted to protect me! She went as far as to say “what’s she even doing here?? “
I am conflicted in loyalty to my daughter and my friendship. I’m concerned that 2 years on she’s still thinking about a comment made by a 23 year old.
Just some extra context, she has no other friends that I have seen, her wedding reception was very absent of friends. They appear to have come and gone in her life. She keeps saying how she knows me longest and better than anyone else

Exactly the same as what everyone else has already said.

Mumsnet is so reliable for answering questions like this, which is why I enjoy the site. In other words, the vast majority of posters reach the same common-sense conclusion, which - in this case - is that:

a) yes, your daughter was very rude to this woman in front of lots of people

b) it sounds like you don’t much like her anyway

c) it’s weird and needy of your friend to frequently declare that you two are ‘besties’

Your daughter was rude. You only say those things to people who you know will know it was a joke. Doesn’t sound like your daughter and your BF have that kind of relationship so she shouldn’t have said it, or at least apologised.

your BF does sound like a pain in the arse and you don’t sound like you like her very much.

Your friend is demanding everlasting friendship allegiance from you.
She will only be happy once you side with her over your DD.
Let her know, kindly, that that won’t be happening. You will always put your DD first of course, so she can either remain a friend knowing that and moving on past the incident which upset her, or she can walk away. But you don’t ever wish to hear about it again thank you.

Maybe your DD felt she was too complaining about the food on offer or too needy of you and that’s why she said what she did, cleverly disguised as banter.

As you and your other guests saw nothing wrong with what your daughter said, I assume it is how you joke around with each other. There’s nothing wrong with that if you’re all on the same page.

The problem is your friend isn’t on the same page and clearly doesn’t know you and your family as well as she thinks she does. She’s been not spent time with your family as your children have grown and probably doesn’t see them as fully fledged adults. She seems to feel they should defer to adults and not be equal at a gathering.

The constant reference to how long she’s known you and what close friends you are is 100% insecurity. It’s sad really. If you want to save this friendship you will have to have a heart to heart with her and tell her how that can work. Begin by explaining your loyalty will always be with your family, as it should be. Tell her she needs to spend some time with them to understand the dynamics and who you all are now, including you. Tell her that, although she is your friend, where your daughter lives is really none of her business and although she may have thought your children were grown and independent, they are always going to be part of your life and she will always come second to them. Them being grown doesn’t mean that you and her are going to fall back into the same sort of friendship you shared when you were single.

From what you’ve described I don’t think she will take that well at all. That will be her choice but you will have at least offered her the best you reasonably can.

Friend was rude at bbq, daughter put her in her place and friend sounds extremely needy.

Total bunch of snowflakes on this thread. Defo Team Daughter here...

Yes, I also think the daughter has had enough of OP’s friend thinking she can be rude because she knows OP the longest.

Agree with PP - your DD was really rude and I can see how your friend felt that it was inappropriate dance was owed an apology. Especially as if was said in front of an audience it could come across as hostile and bullying. I wouldn’t expect a young woman to speak to me like that.

I would have bought it up with you at the time though and not dwelled on it for 2 years.

However the way you speak about your so called friend is pretty derogatory and not how most people talk about someone they like so I agree with others that the friendship has run its course.

Your daughter was incredibly rude.
Mind you, your friend sounds awful too so I wouldn't want her in my life.

As a 23 year old and now a 36 year old I would never say anything like that to anyone!
Your daughter crossed a line that shouldn’t have been cross. It’s very rude and I wouldn’t see that as banter. She wasn’t your daughter’s guest, she was your guest.
Your daughter should have apologised and so should you.
You say she missed out on 10 years of your life but you were the one living away.
I also go weeks without messaging my friend but we are very good friends. We are secure in our friendship and don’t need to be in each others pockets. We went away for a weekend 3 weeks ago and only spoke once since. But if she or I message each other to go out or tell each other something significant we just pick up from where was left off.

Brilliant
Bet this is right on the money.
I bet op you’re a similar age to me - always trying to keep everyone happy.
But your DD, like mine is of a different generation - brought up to be Kind - but to take ‘No Crap’.

It is exceptionally rude to bitch about your host's food, and then also spend years bitching about the host's daughter defending the host, and then also bitch about the daughter's home life. And she doesn't have any friends. The daughter is not the problem, however lots on here hate it when young women are forthright.

This. Daughter comes first.

Your daughter was horrible, your friend is whiny, and you have no backbone. You don’t even give the impression that you actually like this friend.

Your DDs 'joke' was rude however, from what you have said about your friend, it sounds as if your DD had reached the end of her tether with this annoying and very needy friend.

I can well imagine making a snarky comment like that if someon has spent the afternoon nit picking about the food.

Your daughter’s comment was rude, joke or not and i’d have at least encouraged her to apologise. But ultimately, your loyalty is with your daughter.

Your friend was fucking rude and at worst your daughter put her back in her place. You shouldn’t have to ask about taking sides; it’s your daughter, every time.

This. Why was she moaning about lack of meat on the bone- she was a guest at a bbq. I wouldn’t want a friend who criticised my daughter like that.

Also agree with this. Again... stick by your daughter. Trust me. My own relationship with my mother has been affected by shit like this because of other idiots being around and me not standing their BS but mum doesn't back me up usually and it's really made me see my mother in a negative light, just because she puts up with crap doesn't mean I can....

Totally agree with your last paragraph. My friends and I are up and down with our communication as we all have lives. Sometimes we might be in daily contact but other times can go weeks without a word. Doesn’t make us less good friends we just all accept each others schedules are often busy and we catch up when we can.

Friend is a tool.
daughter sounds like an asshole frankly.

Your daughter comes first so there’s no need to be conflicted however, laughing or not, what your daughter said was very rude.
Just because it was said in a lighthearted tone does not take away the fact it was a disrespectful thing to say to her mother’s friend. (Friend was rude too for complaining about the lack of meat but the response was savage)

Your daughter is rude not funny and obviously wasn’t raised properly, however your loyalty should still be with her.

I agree, I'd be horrified if a child of mine said something like that, however laughingly. Amongst her own friends, maybe in banter, but not people of her mother's age. It was extremely rude and vulgar.

However you've not had a good word to say about this 'friend' so why worry. Just let her go.

Ha. I'd be proud if my daughter defended me against such a rude guest, especially given the age gap. Respect is earned, not granted just because you are older.

Your duaghter sounds rude and quite unpleasant.
Maybe such language is current with you and this daughter, but you might need to consider it is not for everyone.
And so much rudeness and bullying is passed off as banter- only of course by those dishing it out.

But as to whether you wish to carry on the friendship, you don't seem very positive about this woman, so it's not really a dilemma- just drop her quietly.