Friend being unkind about my daughter

[Nessa1777]

My childhood friend of 40 years has been hostile towards my 25 year old daughter. Background is that this friend has not been a reliable friend and missed out on a critical 10 years of my life (birth of kids, my wedding, my fathers death) she sees me as her “bestie” and makes it known she knows me more than anyone and has known me longer than anyone. She can go weeks without being in touch and would drop me if she met a new man. She’s now happily married. I lived down south until two years ago where my husband and I moved north to where she lives to be near my mother. My son who is 27 stayed in the south and my daughter aged 25 was meant to be living away but she ended up moving up with us.
Two years ago I had a barbecue where my friend came, she was messing with the meat and complaining there was not much meat on the bones. My daughter made a joke “well if that’s how you feel you can fuck offer home after that hotdog” laughing. This was witnessed by 4 others including me and I knew it was a joke and thought nothing more of it.
After a few days she telephoned me to ask how I thought the night had gone?
She then told me she had cried all weekend due to the comment my daughter made and how she would never speak to her mothers friend like that. I said numerous times that it would be a joke and my daughter would never be cruel and unkind, I asked my daughter about it and she confirmed it was banter. All the other witnesses saw it as banter.
Fast forward two years and she’s still bringing it up “well the last time I saw her she told me to fuck off”
She explained she was annoyed with my daughter because I am her “bestie” and she couldn’t understand why my daughter was living with us because we apparently wanted a new chapter and new life and she wanted to protect me! She went as far as to say “what’s she even doing here?? “
I am conflicted in loyalty to my daughter and my friendship. I’m concerned that 2 years on she’s still thinking about a comment made by a 23 year old.
Just some extra context, she has no other friends that I have seen, her wedding reception was very absent of friends. They appear to have come and gone in her life. She keeps saying how she knows me longest and better than anyone else

Daughter was aggressive in her banter

Friend should have dealt with it at the time and moved on (be that asked for an apology or spoken with your daughter or whatever it was that she needed)

Friend is slightly deranged in her wish to ‘protect’ you from your own daughter (unless there is a drip feed)

Perhaps daughter knew friends views about her moving with you and dealt with it in that comment?

You shouldn’t be conflicted about who to back. One is blood and another is a walking red flag

It was the bestie friend bit that got me, she does sound a pita though and as for the crying all weekend. Get over yourself love.

It was not the daughter’s place to discipline her mother’s guests. The dd was just downright rude and obnoxious, and it’s ridiculous to pretend it was “banter” when she no doubt thought the irritating woman would be better off fucking off home if she only had negative things to say. The OP was the one who should have told her whiny friend her comments were not appreciated.

This is exactly how some of my friends would reply to a rude comment made whilst being hosted! If that person said they were offended or upset I’d laugh and say you’d best not come to anymore parties then or not be so bloody rude.

Your friend made a grumpy comment not aimed specifically at anyone

She was complaining about the food at a barbecue in a friend’s house.
That’s extremely poor behaviour.

I would end the friendship, it doesn’t sound like either of you are getting positive out of it.
That aside your DD was rude, anyone passing rude comments off as “banter” normally do mean to be rude but haven’t the guts to own it when pulled up

Your daughter sounds obnoxious and belligerent and your friend sounds dramatic and draining. What a combination!

It’s very confusing how much grief , DD has gotten on this thread.
At 23 I wouldn’t have been able to say what she did - but my own DD at 23 would. ( good on her)
She was defending her mother / op, rightly.
Is it still ‘Respect your elders - even if they are being rude and critical’.

Well that's rude @bygreenhiker Where are your manners, who dragged you up?

Your daughter was incredibly rude. Your friend sounds incredibly difficult.

Your daughter was rude, but I wonder if she sees your 'friend' very differently to you and doesn't think she is a particularly pleasant person.

Your daughter is a bully. Bullies in schools always say “Oh it was just a joke” when confronted about their bullying….
Either way, you very clearly don’t like this woman at all, you’ve spoken about her as if you can’t stand the woman? End the friendship, for her sake.

Your daughters language is appalling. Where did she learn to speak in such a foul manner to anyone? I'd be very embarrassed if my daughter spoke like that.

Apparently so. Respect your elders, even when they are being rude fucking cowbags who don't deserve an invite and have been dropped by all their other friends for some mysterious reason.

It's absolutely British banter, but I wouldnt say it to one of my mums friends - maybe that's a generational thing though (I'm a lot older than your DD).

The matter is your DF - she sounds like high maintenance to me. She's been rude about your DD too.

I'd have a talk with her, clear the air once and for all and if it doesn't work the friendship has likely ran its course.

Your kid was rude and swore and must have made her feel very embarrassed.

You dont speak nicely of her , so she's better without you.

💯

You're daughter was very rude, and that reflects strongly on you. That's about as passive aggressive as banter is capable of getting.

Love it
Thank for your comment.
It made me smile.
I think if I’d have been as assertive as my DD/op’s daughter at 23 I’d have said a lot of things , that I daren’t …. And been happier , and safer and had far less grief than I did.

Your daughter sounds exceptionally rude. That was not 'banter'.

I disagree, but having said that I was a victim of DA and therefore would be unlikely to challenge, if my daughter did it for me I’d be grateful.

If 10 people say that what someone said to me was just banter and a joke, but I feel it was rude…then it was rude. It’s going to be my decision what I feel was rude and hurtful, not someone else. Especially if it wasn’t them at the receiving end of it. You, your daughter and your other friends have a strange kind of humour. Your daughter was very rude. If you fail to see it, you have a problem.

I agree with posters that your friend was being rude about the food and your dd, who seems to have the measure of your nutty friend, bluntly put her in her place. Yes, it's true it was a but rude of dd and not her place but she has probably done you a favour. Your so called friend does sound a but unhinged and in competition with your dd with all those comments about 'Why is she even here' and wanting to protect you. And all that grabby smothering "I'm your bestie" nonsense. She sounds deeply insecure and has some sort of need for you to pick her as your favourite.

Next time she brings it up say "Are you still going on about that? I'm sorry if you found dd rude but frankly you were a bit rude about the food too and dd is an adult and can say what she likes, you don't need to be friends with her but you do need to accept that she is my dd and a huge part of my life and if you can't let this drop it will be our relationship not my mother and daughter relationship that will have to take a back-burner"

Next time she brings it up just laugh and say, ‘Good for her. You deserved it. Who goes to a friend’s house and criticises the food? That’s so rude!’

Absolutely this. Your DD was defending you from someone your DD has probably seen to be a vet unpleasant and rude "friend" to you all this time. Be loyal to your DD.