Friend being unkind about my daughter

[Nessa1777]

My childhood friend of 40 years has been hostile towards my 25 year old daughter. Background is that this friend has not been a reliable friend and missed out on a critical 10 years of my life (birth of kids, my wedding, my fathers death) she sees me as her “bestie” and makes it known she knows me more than anyone and has known me longer than anyone. She can go weeks without being in touch and would drop me if she met a new man. She’s now happily married. I lived down south until two years ago where my husband and I moved north to where she lives to be near my mother. My son who is 27 stayed in the south and my daughter aged 25 was meant to be living away but she ended up moving up with us.
Two years ago I had a barbecue where my friend came, she was messing with the meat and complaining there was not much meat on the bones. My daughter made a joke “well if that’s how you feel you can fuck offer home after that hotdog” laughing. This was witnessed by 4 others including me and I knew it was a joke and thought nothing more of it.
After a few days she telephoned me to ask how I thought the night had gone?
She then told me she had cried all weekend due to the comment my daughter made and how she would never speak to her mothers friend like that. I said numerous times that it would be a joke and my daughter would never be cruel and unkind, I asked my daughter about it and she confirmed it was banter. All the other witnesses saw it as banter.
Fast forward two years and she’s still bringing it up “well the last time I saw her she told me to fuck off”
She explained she was annoyed with my daughter because I am her “bestie” and she couldn’t understand why my daughter was living with us because we apparently wanted a new chapter and new life and she wanted to protect me! She went as far as to say “what’s she even doing here?? “
I am conflicted in loyalty to my daughter and my friendship. I’m concerned that 2 years on she’s still thinking about a comment made by a 23 year old.
Just some extra context, she has no other friends that I have seen, her wedding reception was very absent of friends. They appear to have come and gone in her life. She keeps saying how she knows me longest and better than anyone else

DD was a bit rude but friend "cried all weekend" about it and is still going on about it now?! Sounds like a drama queen!

I know I’m probably in a minority of one on here, but I detest swearing!! I wouldn’t have been impressed if my friend’s daughter had said that to me, least of all in front of an audience, she was playing to the gallery in my opinion. Just dump your friend, she sounds a bit silly with all this ‘bestie’ talk and it’s obvious you don’t really like her.

Your daughter is rude. I wouldn’t let my dc speak like that to my friends. They have more respect than to make crude ‘jokes’. In this situation they would likely ask friend if she wanted something else instead, not told them to fuck off.
Is your dd usually so immature?

You should end the friendship, as you've not said one positive thing about her.

Your daughter was rude.

Why are you in conflict over this?

Your friend can't get over it and is rude about your daughter!?!?!

Your daughter should be your priority in this situation.

My daughter made a joke “well if that’s how you feel you can fuck offer home after that hotdog”

Your daughter was extremely rude and if you think that was a joke and funny it just shows the lack of manners you've dragged your children up with.

Was your mate complaining about the food though? And how cheap/shit the meat was?
Because that’s extremely rude too, I might’ve ‘jokingly’ told her to piss off as well.

Your daughter was awful and said something really nasty. Your friend has made it clear that she can’t let it go. Slow fade your friend, and don’t allow your daughter around any of your other friends until she learns both manners and how to behave like an adult.

Why are people saying the DD was rude and should apologise? Surely she was just matching the friend's rudeness about the meat. Sounds like the friend can dish it out but can't take it.

She told a guest to fuck off home. That is extremely rude and not comparable to anything the friend said.

This tbh.

Daughter was rude, but she may have been used to your friend being a PITA.

Friend needs to let this go, and it is absolutely not her place to be commenting on your daughter living with you. 'A new start' indeed...not away from your own kids!

"My daughter made a joke “well if that’s how you feel you can fuck offer home after that hotdog” laughing"

That was very rude and not funny.
I'm not surprised your friend was upset about that.

However, I think she's gone over the top still being offended about it 2 years later. And this "She went as far as to say “what’s she even doing here??"" is none of her business.

You have nothing positive to say about your friend so you should end the friendship. Maybe your daughter has picked up on your negativity about the friend over the years and that's why she made the rude comment. I'm not sure it was a joke.

Op your daughter was rude and you know it. Dont dress it up as a joke, you're just making yourself look silly. It was rude and if my daughter spoke to a guest in my home like that id be having a go at my daughter to speak better. That said , her comments about your daughter living with you are pathetic on her part. Neither of you sound like your actually good mates , I think its time you both parted ways.

Your daughter should have apologised

I agree with others that your daughter’s comment could be seen as a bit rude rather than banter. It wasn’t her own friend she was addressing, seems like she forgot that.

Your friend was rude too though, commenting about there being not enough meat on the bones, so essentially complaining about the food you’d provided. So your daughter’s comment didn’t come out of nowhere.

Your friend sounds like quite hard work as you’ve described her. I wouldn’t appreciate her questioning why your daughter was even living with you. She seems a bit possessive and demanding of your attention.

You clearly don’t actually like each other. Why are you flogging a dead horse?

Your daughter's remark was rude, and a rude remark presented as a joke is still a rude remark. So I don't blame your friend for being annoyed or for not wanting to spend much time around your daughter.

HOWEVER:

'she explained she was annoyed with my daughter because I am her “bestie” and she couldn’t understand why my daughter was living with us because we apparently wanted a new chapter and new life and she wanted to protect me! She went as far as to say “what’s she even doing here?? “'

What gives her the right to judge YOUR family relationships like that? None of her business! Unless there is something truly extreme that you're not saying (e.g. that your daughter has abused you physically), her saying that she wants to protect you from your own daughter is exceeding all limits.

It sounds as though she may be jealous of your daughter's relationship with you; and possibly your daughter is similarly jealous of her: hence the 'fuck off home'. Not very healthy dynamics.

Even if your daughter passed her comment off as a joke, your daughter meant what she said and your friend knows it. Your dd thought your friend needed told and she did so. Your friend didn't enjoy that.

However, that your friend is still talking about it two years later is too much.
Big ego, loves drama.
What is it she expects you to do?

Your daughter and your friend are not intimately acquainted therefore your daughters comment was not appreciated as banter by your friend because your friend doesn't know your daughter that well

I'm bamboozled that you feel conflicted as to whose "side" to take. Your friend sounds historically flaky, is NOT your BFF ......you therefore sack her off and remain loyal to your daughter

Your daughter was rude but your friend is a psycho trying to drive a wedge between you and your daughter.

Ditch the friend, keep the daughter.

I hate it when nasty and horrible comments are dressed up as banter and jokes

Everyone going on about the daughter being rude, FFS, her comment was to mums friend who was complaining about the bbq! She was out of line and being ungracious.
I'd have said the same thing.
It sounds like your daughter has the measure of your friend and clapped back at her.

“I am conflicted in loyalty to my daughter and my friendship”

Well there’s your mistake - no conflict: your daughter is always your daughter, whereas, as your friend has demonstrated, friends come and go. Anyone who implied to me that my daughter shouldn’t be living with me wouldn’t be my friend for very long, and she doesn’t sound like much of a friend if she (clearly) resents your daughter, and missed out on a crucial decade of your life. It sounds as though you’d be better off without her.

Your friend needs to be told to cease talking about this non-issue. She was rude to be complaining and is rude to be going on about your daughter's comments, despite being set straight.

If she is autistic you can say it extra kindly, if you wish to keep the friendship.

I wouldn't, she sounds an intolerable nob.

Immaturity, silly jokes or insensitivity are not completely unexpected from a 23 year old, but from a grown woman? Bestie, BFF. Still going on about something 2 years later. How bloody childish!
Your loyalty should be with your daughter.