Friend being unkind about my daughter

[Nessa1777]

My childhood friend of 40 years has been hostile towards my 25 year old daughter. Background is that this friend has not been a reliable friend and missed out on a critical 10 years of my life (birth of kids, my wedding, my fathers death) she sees me as her “bestie” and makes it known she knows me more than anyone and has known me longer than anyone. She can go weeks without being in touch and would drop me if she met a new man. She’s now happily married. I lived down south until two years ago where my husband and I moved north to where she lives to be near my mother. My son who is 27 stayed in the south and my daughter aged 25 was meant to be living away but she ended up moving up with us.
Two years ago I had a barbecue where my friend came, she was messing with the meat and complaining there was not much meat on the bones. My daughter made a joke “well if that’s how you feel you can fuck offer home after that hotdog” laughing. This was witnessed by 4 others including me and I knew it was a joke and thought nothing more of it.
After a few days she telephoned me to ask how I thought the night had gone?
She then told me she had cried all weekend due to the comment my daughter made and how she would never speak to her mothers friend like that. I said numerous times that it would be a joke and my daughter would never be cruel and unkind, I asked my daughter about it and she confirmed it was banter. All the other witnesses saw it as banter.
Fast forward two years and she’s still bringing it up “well the last time I saw her she told me to fuck off”
She explained she was annoyed with my daughter because I am her “bestie” and she couldn’t understand why my daughter was living with us because we apparently wanted a new chapter and new life and she wanted to protect me! She went as far as to say “what’s she even doing here?? “
I am conflicted in loyalty to my daughter and my friendship. I’m concerned that 2 years on she’s still thinking about a comment made by a 23 year old.
Just some extra context, she has no other friends that I have seen, her wedding reception was very absent of friends. They appear to have come and gone in her life. She keeps saying how she knows me longest and better than anyone else

Exactly! Her daughter was upset by her rudeness and, yes maybe shouldn't have been so harsh, but i think this has been building up for her to say this. If my DC stood up for me in this way I would actually be glad, of course had a word with them after about the swearing.

You are conflicted between friend and daughter? Are you ill? Friend or daughter read it again. ..There should be no conflict what so ever presuming you gave birth to your child..duh. By the way that child of yours was bloody rude to a guest not a great look. Dump the friend.

It really depends on how you speak as a group- if ‘fuck off’ is the norm etc with no offense meant then it’s ok. If not then I’d have got bollocked about that by my parents - even though it is quite funny- as it’s pretty over the top in terms of rudeness. At the end of the day she was being publicly rude about the food too so the daughter was showing a bit of loyalty I suppose. Don’t have a big dramatic bust up but just keep her at arm’s length and distance is my opinion, you don’t speak about her and say anything positive.

Your friend shouldn't be bringing it up 2 years later. If your friend can't let it go then maybe its a sign to end the friendship.

Maybe your friend isn't on you and your daughters level.

I know many people (mother and daughter) who are considered rude, arrogant, abusive etc etc

In fact my friend and her daughter are horrible! they talk to people like shit! But we get on because I am a shy, weak and quiet person (opposites attract) and they can't help themselves no more than I can change who I am!)

Your friend obviously has a personality clash with your daughter. So you should choose your daughter

She then told me she had cried all weekend due to the comment my daughter made and how she would never speak to her mothers friend like that. I said numerous times that it would be a joke and my daughter would never be cruel and unkind, I asked my daughter about it and she confirmed it was banter. All the other witnesses saw it as banter.

That remark was NOT banter. There is nothing "banterish" (sorry, made up word) or jokey about it. It was downright rude and hostile. I would have cried all weekend if someone had said that to me.

You owe your friend a huge apology

Having said that, your friend doesn't get to dictate how, when, or whether your daughter lives with you.

You clearly don't care at all about her feelings. I don't know why you still refer to her as a friend.

You would not have cried all weekend.

I think your daughter has seen enough of your friend taking advantage of you. She couldn’t help but say something. Why was the lady complaining about your food. I suspect your daughter has seen enough of her selfish thoughtless behavior and just let it be known. I had a friend like this, constantly saying that I’m her bes t friend to any and every one and she wasn’t. She was just getting more from me than she gave. So I gave her up. I’m much happier now. I’d thank my daughter, everyone I know said my supposed best friend was just a mooch.

I would be extremely annoyed if my dd spoke to any of my friends like that.
But if my friend was still bringing it up two years later and questioned why my dd lives with us I would probably tell her to wind her neck in.

Frankly, it sounds as if your friend should be told to fuck off frequently. Daily, even.

"Background is that this friend has not been a reliable friend and missed out on a critical 10 years of my life (birth of kids, my wedding, my fathers death) she sees me as her “bestie” and makes it known she knows me more than anyone and has known me longer than anyone. She can go weeks without being in touch and would drop me if she met a new man."

"Makes it known"? Sounds as if she's staking a claim of ownership on you rather than a claim to friendship. @Nessa1777, she's an old friend. That doesn't make her a best friend, or even a current friend. She doesn't sound to me like any type of friend at all. She's just someone from your past, hanging around your neck because she has no friends - friends "appear to have come and gone in her life" and not stuck around. Probably for good reason.

I'd be telling her the next time she disparages my daughter, she'll be shown the door and not welcome back. Something you should have done about two years ago, instead of allowing her to continually whine at you.

When you see someone being constantly put down by a very entitled lady who pretends that
she’s a friend of her mothers but she knows that she’s not, then she has every right to stick up for her mother. The daughter
s 23, she’s not a baby. The friend was rude and needed a kick in the ass. If she never goes to their house again they won’t be missing anything. The lady was not a nice person. Goodbye biatch

lol.

People seem to be missing that the friend was extremely rude to moan about the quality of meat at a barbecue. Sounds like a light-hearted rebuke (at the very least) was fully deserved, if not being told to stop whinging and properly fuck off.

I’m probably going against the grain here, but I think your daughter did you a favour by telling her to fuck off. Your friend sounds obnoxious and all her comments about your daughter after the incident only highlight her obnoxious side. Your friend was rude to complain about the meat and she is totally out of line to say “what is she doing here?”. I would have told her to fuck off and get a reality check when she asked what your daughter was doing living with you. She’s your daughter ffs! You will always look after your children! I would also a d told her to stop the besties crap when she started saying that. Op she’s just using you

Im thinking that the daughter is fed up of this erratic, needy 'bestie' in her mums life and the comment just slipped out - probably after years of frustration at this awful person in her mums life, and by extension in hers

Sorry but what your daughter said was really rude... I don't know anyone who wouldn't take offence to it and I'm around people who love 'banter'.

You/your daughter need to apologise for upsetting her but then I'd probably draw a line under this friendship. You don't sound very compatible.

You don't like her. You are not her friend either I would end it

its not OP’s daughters place to be intervening in her mothers friendships. She needs to know her place.

Then Op should have made that clear 2 years ago when it happened.

(TBH I don't entirely disagree but OP seems to have not been upset by DD reponse but annoyed by her friends reaction to it).

The friend bringing it up two years later and trying to get OP to kick her DD out of her house to suit the friend - is just weird as fuck TBH - and I frankly I wouldn't be torn between them but tell friend it's none of her bussiness.

@CatHairEveryWhereNow

Maybe Op needs to get her daughter to apologise to her friend as it sounds like that didn’t happen at the time

Along lines of - Apologize DD to my creepy friend who tried to get me to kick you out for a throw away remark two years ago as she won't shut up about it - even though at time I thought it was funny as did everyone else there and thought friend was being OTT about her subsequent reaction?

Frankly I think that would cause issues between OP and her DD which I think the friend wants.

I get impression that OP doesn't consider this friend a bestie or a particularly good friend from what's she written about her - so confused about why there is any loyalty conflict at all.

I'd probably have smoothed things over years ago or if not possible made it clear to stop bringing it up along lines you don't have to like my child but you will be polite in my presence or it's none of your bussiness who lives with me.

TBH though I'd have probably have dealt with the friends inital rude comments at BBQ before another family member felt need to step in - as she was my friend so mine to politely reprimand - so suspect OP may really struggle with boundaries and be a bit of a people pleaser.

I don't necessarily see a problem with the 'fuck off' thing - some people just talk like that, and it depends a lot on context and the social group - but this woman sounds like she thinks she's much more of a friend than she really is. She sounds flakey and demanding; perhaps that's why her wedding receiption was a bit sparse. I always find people bragging like "I'm so crazy" (no, you are the dullest person in the world) or "we're such besties" (er, no) a bit too needy, so if it were me, I'd quietly let her go.

DD and her friends would talk like that to each other, but she has the social awareness to realise that she doesn't use that kind of language with my friends. We aren't a sweary lot with each other.

As I said in my earlier post the "friend" was rude as well, but two wrongs don't make a right.

The OP said that she and others at the bbq received the joke as it was intended thought nothing more of it. That was the social context.

Oh good grief, she’s just saying who she agrees with - there isn’t real teams, chill out

At best your friend sounds emotionally immature and at worst she is deliberately causing a rift between you. Get rid the friend.