Friend being unkind about my daughter

[Nessa1777]

My childhood friend of 40 years has been hostile towards my 25 year old daughter. Background is that this friend has not been a reliable friend and missed out on a critical 10 years of my life (birth of kids, my wedding, my fathers death) she sees me as her “bestie” and makes it known she knows me more than anyone and has known me longer than anyone. She can go weeks without being in touch and would drop me if she met a new man. She’s now happily married. I lived down south until two years ago where my husband and I moved north to where she lives to be near my mother. My son who is 27 stayed in the south and my daughter aged 25 was meant to be living away but she ended up moving up with us.
Two years ago I had a barbecue where my friend came, she was messing with the meat and complaining there was not much meat on the bones. My daughter made a joke “well if that’s how you feel you can fuck offer home after that hotdog” laughing. This was witnessed by 4 others including me and I knew it was a joke and thought nothing more of it.
After a few days she telephoned me to ask how I thought the night had gone?
She then told me she had cried all weekend due to the comment my daughter made and how she would never speak to her mothers friend like that. I said numerous times that it would be a joke and my daughter would never be cruel and unkind, I asked my daughter about it and she confirmed it was banter. All the other witnesses saw it as banter.
Fast forward two years and she’s still bringing it up “well the last time I saw her she told me to fuck off”
She explained she was annoyed with my daughter because I am her “bestie” and she couldn’t understand why my daughter was living with us because we apparently wanted a new chapter and new life and she wanted to protect me! She went as far as to say “what’s she even doing here?? “
I am conflicted in loyalty to my daughter and my friendship. I’m concerned that 2 years on she’s still thinking about a comment made by a 23 year old.
Just some extra context, she has no other friends that I have seen, her wedding reception was very absent of friends. They appear to have come and gone in her life. She keeps saying how she knows me longest and better than anyone else

Your daughter was very rude, she embarrassed your friend in front of an audience. Did she apologise? That said, your friend should have got over it by now. If she doesn’t want to be around your daughter that’s fine (and warranted IMO) but she doesn’t have to bring it up at all.

You can think what you like, but don't then whine about having no friends.

Your dd was rude and immature, and 23
Your "friend" is being immature, presumably at close to 50.

I would expect more from the "friend" than your daughter.

Why doesn't the "friend" have friends I wonder. I'd slip away quietly from the so called friendship.

It all sounds very tediously dramatic.

As above!

Also
She couldn’t understand why my daughter was living with us ...She went as far as to say “what’s she even doing here?? “

What business is that of hers?

I am conflicted in loyalty to my daughter and my friendship

Eh?

Maybe your daughter is fed up of your "friend" behaving like a twat for all of her life, and knowing that you are irrationally conflicted when your loyalty should naturally be to your daughter

What a disgusting comment from your daughter! Is she literally a fish wife? That is no way to speak to anyone, especially a guest.

You will never hear me whining about having no friends. If someone is rude to me I will let them know though. I’d rather be alone than in rude, inconsiderate company.

Wait. Your 'friend' was rudely complaining about the meat/food you'd provided at the BBQ. Your daughter wasn't having it.

I'm with your daughter.

Your daughter was rude. Your friend wasn't there for you during a turbulent period of your life. You don't sem to like your friend very much.
I don't think anyone would be missing out on anything by not staying friends.

Of course it was rude, but the friend was criticising a barbecue she had been invited too,
I bet friend is oblivious to her own rudeness , which she has been dishing out for years- thus No friends - apart from op.
Dd probably was fed up with her and tried to put her back in her box.
I know people like this.
They criticise everything and are completely abashed if someone ‘dares ‘ to pull them up on thier crap.
There’s a name for amazing lack of self awareness….oh yes.., Narcissists

But presumably you wouldn't bang on about it for years?

How can people not see this ?

Obviously both were rude but the daughter was ruder and it was not her job to put the friend in her place, even if it was disguised as a joke.

She is massively overreacting. And as for criticising the food on offer… Fuck around, find out. I’d never DREAM of commenting on the lack of food/quality/amounts of etc - how rude!
Getting a jokey comment back is fair dues and getting off lightly.
Dump her - she’s unhinged

We and our friends all have kids aged from around 19 to 25. None of them would have said that to an adult family friend, not in a million years. Your daughter was very rude.

Your friend was rude too but on a different level. I wouldn’t cry about it. I would just be glad I didn’t have a rude kid!

Fish wife?!?! What the fucking fuckity fuck is that supposed to mean?
Guest was poking and criticising the meat at a party where she was the guest. Hardly a disgusting comment from the daughter but a well aimed clapback w a lashing of “fuck”. Entirely deserved!

Wow your daughter was really rude. That’s not a joke. That’s not ‘banter’. I’d have walked out if someone said that to me.
It obviously really hurt your friend but that’s no excuse for her to make those comments about your daughter.

It sounds as though your friend thinks that she should be of more importance in your life than your own daughter which is ridiculous.

What your daughter said would have been fine to someone she knows well with whom she had a jokey relationship. As your daughter and your friend don't have that sort of relationship I can see why your friend took offence but to hold a grudge for so long and to expect you to take her side rather than your own daughter's is unreasonable.

Tell your friend that your daughter will always have a home with you if she wants and your friend needs to stop criticising her or you won't be able to remain friends.

Get rid of the friend she doesn’t sounds like a friend at all.
But your daughter was bang out of order and extremely rude and saying it was just joke doesn’t make it ok.

What your daughter said sounds a bit extreme however it's clear that your friend already had some issues with your daughter and I suspect was probably being passive aggressive, disagreeable and your daughter reacted. I have no time with people who take issue with my children and my relationship with them, that's for me to manage and I would make that boundary, it's not her domain and she should strongly butt out. If someone respectfully told me they had an issue with something my adult child said then yes I would broker some sort of apology/explanation, however of they kept their grudge against my child and started to comment on our relationship and their general behavior is also invite them to fuck off

I think your friend sounds rude and entitled- I think your daughter’s comment sounds spot on and your friend is making way more out of this. She also sounds very juvenile “bestie. Does she have any redeeming qualities as you’ve not mentioned them?

Wow your daughter was so rude even if your friend was being a moan. It wasnt funny, it was deliberately cruel and unkind.

You haven’t said anything remotely positive about your so-called friend. Your daughter was rude and I would be offended.
apologise to your friend and say your daughter thought she had taken it as a joke, as she intended. But, also say, I don’t want you to keep going on about it, it was not meant maliciously and she needs to draw a line under it. Then limit contact as you clearly don’t like her.

Your daughter was really rude. It was clearly one of those comments that someone makes that is actually a sharp put down, but they do it in a way that they can say ' oh it was a joke' so the person cannot object. Its a really unpleasant way to behave and I would have words with my children if they spoke like that to a guest.

Your dd was a bit rude - but tbh your "friend" started it by criticising the BBQ that her hosts had provided. It is really wierd of her to hang on to an ill advised comment for years though.

It sounds like your "friend" is jealous of your daughter for some reason or feels in competition with her for your attention. Didn't she first cut contact when you had your kids?

I don't see the conflict tbh - my DD would always come before a flakey friend. I would tell her that my DD is not up for discussion.