AIBU to ask my friend to stop her child pestering people in a restaurant?

[Letsblameitallonperi]

I was meeting up with a friend Zoey today I hadn’t seen for a few weeks, I was really looking forward to seeing her.

We had arranged to have lunch in a proper restaurant (not the usual child friendly places) and I was hoping we could have some wine and adult conversation.
Almost every time I meet up with Zoey she has brought at least one of her two kids and it’s been difficult to talk properly.

It’s frustrating because her husband has even offered to look after them when we meet on a Friday because he has an early finish, Zoey often just laughs and says “oh it’s ok wildhorses likes to spend time with the kids” or something along those lines. Last time her husband could obviously tell I wasn’t impressed and gave me a regretful shrug, he tried pushing it but Zoey ignored him so I know it’s definitely not her husband behind this.

I posted on mumsnet a few months ago and was asked if it was possibly her husband being controlling and making her take the kids or refusing to look after them, I think I can confidently say that’s not the case, the last time he offered he seemed to be frustrated when Zoey turned down his offer and even asked if she didn’t trust him with his own kids, Zoey just laughs and insists I’m happy with the situation.
I was also given advice to suggest just one on one time and say I’d like to see her alone in a more adult environment, I followed this advice and told Zoey I wanted her advice on something I was really struggling with and wanted to talk to her properly as we can never discuss anything when she’s distracted by the kids.

I was surprised she actually agreed and so I wasn’t impressed when I turned up to see she had her daughter with her (it seems to be always her 8 year old daughter Cara she brings) and she said we could have a “girls afternoon”.

I was so pissed off I nearly walked out, I thought I’d been clear and Zoey knows I’m having a really rough time and I just wasn’t up for entertaining her daughter or listening to her many many stories.
I asked where Adam (her husband) was and if he was looking after her other child, Zoey said yes but Cara wanted to come.

It wasn’t a great day, everything we talked about was met with “who is that mum?” “Why did she do that?” “What does that mean?” When I gave up trying to have a conversation Zoey encouraged Cara to tell me all her “news” and I can assure you it was gripping stuff 🤦🏼‍♀️.

I was just going to leave and decided the friendship was over and there was no point having any big discussions or explaining I’d had enough, I realised Zoey just wasn’t interested enough to meet me alone and I wasn’t wasting my free time having “girlie lunches” with a 8 year old.

Just before we left Cara insisted on a pudding and as we were waiting there was a group of 4 women at the next table in their twenties/thirties who looked like they were having a great time laughing and drinking wine.
Cara went over to their table and started talking to them, they were polite but obviously weren’t that happy to be disturbed, after a few minutes one woman said “I think your mummy is waiting for you to go back to your table”
I waited for Zoey to tell her to come back but she waved her hand and said “ohh it’s fine she loves chatting to new people”

Thats when I had finally had enough, I told Zoey that Cara might like it but not everyone wants to be best friends with an 8 year old and that was a polite way for them to tell Cara to fuck off. Cara was out of earshot for that remark but obviously Zoey wasn’t happy, she told me I was an intolerant child - hating bitch who was clearly regretting my choice to not have kids and I was jealous of the bond she has with her daughter.

I’m not proud but I retaliated by saying she was obsessed with Cara and that’s obviously because she wasn’t mature enough to see her friends her own age and that even her husband seemed to think it was odd. I said other friends were absolutely fed up of Cara coming everywhere, sulking when she wasn’t invited to weddings, attempts to bring her on nights out and even spa days, I said she’d made Cara her whole identify and was selfish, boring and I hoped Cara would let her join in at birthday parties and her play dates because her friends were all sick of her.

We didn’t make a scene in the restaurant, it wasn’t shouting or anything, more hissed insults. Cara wasn’t upset and just sat eating her pudding and listening as usual, I’m surprised we didn’t get feedback from her.

In the end I just walked away and I am now cringing at how pathetic it was that two adults in their forties were arguing with a child listening.
I haven’t heard from Zoey and I think I’ll block her, I’ve spoken to another friend who said she knows I’m struggling with a lot and she wasn’t surprised I’d got upset when I’d asked for support from my best friend and been ignored and then made to feel like I was unreasonable for wanting some time with her alone.

The main thing that pissed me off and the reason I posted was the fact Zoey wasn’t just bothered about ruining our day but she would have let Cara stay pestering the women at the next table, it just made me realise how selfish she has become.
I want to know if I was unreasonable for asking Zoey to tell Cara to come away from the other table or if I was just projecting my own annoyance and the women probably didn’t mind that much?
I have had a very difficult few weeks with a bereavement, I’ve just had surgery and I’m having mood swings from perimenopause, I’d appreciate honest opinions if I overreacted or not?

I expect some people will tell me IWBU and it’s normal to love your children and be proud of them, I hope there are a few others though that would have finally had enough and snapped?

If you are not ready to block her, then there is a function to move chats on WhatsApp to “Archive”. It’s useful if you don’t want to hear from
someone but keep half expecting to.

she told me I was an intolerant child - hating bitch who was clearly regretting my choice to not have kids and I was jealous of the bond she has with her daughter.

Wow, she really showed her true colours. She doesn’t like or respect you.

Tell your mutual friends what happened before she gets in there with lies.

Zoe is definitely crackers but no way does OP sound self absorbed or entitled. Surely that's the definition of Zoe who was asked to not to bring her daughter, agreed and then brought her anyway.

You are well rid of her and her child. The friendship had run its time. Look back with happy memories on the good times you shared but please look ahead. As I have got older, I've learnt that other people don't think the way we do, and why should they? They lead their own lives. I feel sorry for the child being 'smothered' rather than mothered. This will have an impact in years to come. But, not your problem. Try to look to yourself and your hobbies for sustenance and comfort i.e. a spa day on your own, a walk and afternoon tea somewhere you enjoy. You don't always need someone tagging along. Also, there are always other people who will be more your type. Seek these out in groups. The more emotionally independent you can be, and the more you enrich your inner core, the happier you will be in later life. The true people will stand by you and Zoey and her poor child will become ancient history.

YANBU. It’s a shame the 8 year old had to overhear but ultimately it’s the moms fault for bringing her everywhere and assuming everyone loves her kids as much as she does.

She did say she wanted a child free lunch! Why is it difficult for some mothers to separate from their kids for a few hours to meet a friend? Why would you excuse that as normal? It's really not. This isn't a newborn, she's 8!

I remember your last thread on this @Letsblameitallonperi and absolutely don’t blame you. Zoey would drive me mad with brining her kid to everything, especially when you asked for an adult catch-up. I would have lost the plot ages ago!

The person who may get in touch is Zoey’s husband. If he is a fairly normal guy, he may find it weird to be married to someone who has stopped seeing most of her friends.

I wouldn't bother giving her any more headspace ler alone text her. The relationship is now stone dead.

I wonder if she might have thought that she was doing you some kind of favour by keeping the friendship going and that bringing her child was her way of telling you (flipping the way that you see your relationship on its head).

100% agree.

Hi Zoey!

It didn't sound like the table of women welcomed the interruption by Zoey's daughter as one of them said “I think your mummy is waiting for you to go back to your table”. Precocious 8 year olds with pushy mums aren't normally universally welcomed when they try and butt in to private chats. A small toddler doing this is cute, an 8 year old less so.

I certainly wouldn't have let my children interrupt a party of adults as it's just rude.

Kid is going to have a hard time growing up. Mother sounds completely enmeshed (?)

I agree. Zoey sounds as though she is one of those ridiculous and cringeworthy women who always say that their daughter is their best friend.

Well done you! I remember your previous post so am delighted to hear that you said your piece. She won’t realise it yet, but when Cara gets older and wants to be going off with her friends, or goes to uni, your friend will have no one left in her life.
Stay firm and don’t start talking to her. She can’t be trusted if Cara is asking you questions about things she shouldn’t know (it’s so abnormal and worrying that Cara is being forced to become a mini adult).

How does it make you a child hater if you do t want kids to attend every single adult meet up you have with friends?

I have three kids, I certainly don’t hate children, but I would hate being friends with Zoey and her insistence on bringing her kid everywhere, however inappropriate, and not realising when they’re annoying other random adults. I’d never let my kids do that either

Yes but the women on the other table clearly said something along the lines of I think your mummy wants you to go back over there. That’s the polite way of saying do fuck off and leave us alone.

The problem here is a parent who thinks the whole universe shines out of their child’s backside and that everyone else should to. She has zero self awareness that just because she adores her little princess that doesn’t mean everyone else does.

Im sorry you are going through a difficult time, how sad that your best friend could t support you.

as for telling Zoe some home truths, you deserve a trophy.

I suspect that the other child will also be presenting challenges when they get to see how differently they are treated.

Well if OP is just making this up, she is certainly playing the long game, as she wrote a previous post about Zoey and her daughter's behaviour months ago. You do know that troll hunting isn't allowed on Mumsnet? If you don't think the OP is a genuine poster you need to report to Mumsnet HQ.

The people supporting OP aren't child haters but people who recognise rude and entitled behaviour on the part of the mum. Zoey is just a bad friend, whether it's demonstrated by her insistence on bringing her daughter where she is obviously unwelcome or in other ways.

I don't blame for giving up on this friendship. She doesn't even sound nice but clueless, she said some really nasty things to you.

👊Well fucking done!!! Omg you are my new MN hero. You and your friends have put up with this selfish behaviour for far too long. It’s got nothing to do with not having kids, I have them but no way would I do that to them when they SPECIFICALLY asked to have a private chat to my friend. I know you can’t stop going over and over and over it in your head now and are probably feeling pretty crap but I’d like to know what was she bringing to the friendship table anyway? It’s a shame when friends argue and ‘break up’ in many ways it’s harder than with a partner, but the stress of it you certainly don’t need. Sorry for your loss btw it’s a tough time enough without an 8 year old wanting to know all your business. Good luck

Just playing devil's advocate, are you 100% sure about the husband (hear me out) because something you said early on struck a chord with me.

I used to be in an abusive relationship. And he was vile to me if he ever had to look after the children. He would snarl in my face at home that I wanted to have them, so I needed to take them with me. Out, in front of friends, they would ask me to dinners, spas etc, and how I always decline invitations and the bastard would say "I keep telling her I'll have the children whenever she wants, she needs to get out and see you all!" Making me look like I couldn't be arsed with my own friends, so I'd have to stand there and agree to go to dinner on Friday with Jane. Knowing he would then refuse to have them and throw things around when we got home, so on the Friday I would either have to cancel on Jane and look like I was avoiding her, or take the kids and lie that my husband had to work or was sick.

Maybe Zoey is just a dickhead. But it was when you said originally you thought her husband was controlling, and women have these senses. Then his performance in front of you about how he's so lovely and of course willing to have the children. Even down to the little shrug, like "see, we both know she's difficult, eh". The knowing looks mine used to give, as if I was the problem. I don't know. It's just something to consider.