Bit of a situation with widowed dad from school… need advice

[Donaldfo]

Hi all,
Bit of a long one and honestly not sure what I’m after really.

So I’ve been seeing this widowed dad from my youngest’s school. Started off just chatting at pick up, then a coffee, then it sort of turned into a thing. He lost his wife a couple years back, proper lovely guy, really good dad to his two boys. We’ve been seeing each other a couple months, nothing serious serious, but nice.

Anyway, here’s the thing – I’ve just found out I’m pregnant.

I was on the pill and we were using condoms (bar one time – classic) so it’s a bit of a shock. I’ve taken two tests and both positive.

Haven’t told him yet. Was going to say something this weekend when we’ve got a bit of time together. I’m not expecting him to throw confetti or anything but I don’t think he’ll freak out either.

I’ve got two kids already (from a previous ex – all calm there), and wasn’t planning on another. But I don’t feel panicked like I thought I would? Probably cos I actually like him and I don’t feel like I’m on my own with it, even though I’ve not told him yet.

Just wondering what others would do in this situation. Do I go in with all the options laid out or just say it and see what he says?

I know people might have views about the widowed dad thing but we’ve both been adults about it, no drama. Just not what I expected to be dealing with today.

Any thoughts appreciated x

Hi OP. That’s big news, hope you’re ok.

honestly, in your shoes, I’d 100% get a termination. The situation is already messy enough - two kids each, him losing his wife (and the poor children losing their mum), your ex. If things work out with this man, all children will already be gaining a step-parent and 2 step-siblings, which is plenty of upheaval without adding a half-sibling into the mix. If things don’t work out with him then you don’t want to be tied to yet another ex!

take your time but Id probably not even tell him to be honest - you’ve only been seeing him a couple of months and it might not end up going anywhere. No point stressing him out for no reason (unless you’re thinking of keeping it, in which case, you obviously need to discuss it). Prepare for him to react badly though - it’s a lot to take in.

Thanks for the reply, really appreciate it – and yeah, it is a lot. I’m ok though, weirdly calm about it which is probably the hormones tbh.

My youngest is actually in the same class as one of his boys – they’ve been mates since Reception and do playdates all the time, over here or at his. Nothing unusual really, they don’t know anything’s going on, it’s just a normal school friendship from their end. We’ve both been v careful about that, not wanting to confuse anyone.

I do hear you about it already being a lot – and that’s part of what’s making my head spin. If this was someone I’d just hooked up with randomly I think I’d know straight away what I was doing. But I do like him, and we get on properly well, and it hasn’t just felt like a fling. That said, yeah, only been a couple of months and we’ve not had any Big Conversations yet.

I hadn’t really thought seriously about not telling him – but I can see why you’d say that. I’m not totally sure what I want to do yet and I’d only say something if I was leaning towards keeping it. I’d never expect him to be thrilled, but I also don’t want to blindside him later down the line.

Still trying to wrap my head around it tbh.

Definitely tell him OP you’re both responsible for creating this baby. Who knows it may bring great joy to both your families.
Whatever you decide it’s your body, your choice. Wishing you all the best.

You need to consider his little boys here. They’ve lost their mum, they don’t even know their dad has a new girlfriend and in 9 months time they would have to just accept a new half sibling and a step mum appearing. Are you prepared to become their stepmom and take on two grieving motherless children at the same time as newborn?

Well, you're the one who knows him better than anyone on here (although not that well!) but on the face of it your expectation of his reaction seems very optimistic, what makes you think he'll be in any way okay with it? Just that he's a nice guy? But there are loads of issues here, it's a new relationship, you're not serious, there are kids involved on both sides, his wife's family may take it very badly... it's not a great situation from an objective observer's perspective.

I'd you go ahead you'll either a) have to rush into living together, a disaster waiting to happen all round or b) accept that you'll be living apart, so you will have the care of the baby most of the time (that's even if you remain a couple), which are you hoping for?

I think you need to, mentally, remove yours and the father’s preferences from this situation and just focus on what’s best for the children. He has two who, not long ago, lost their Mum; your two have already seen their parents’ relationship break down. Adding a fifth child to the mix would be extremely selfish.

Make all decisions based on you being a single parent.

Can you cope if he's not involved?

How will it even work, you won't have even been together a year before having a child if you keep the pregnancy.

He has 2 kids who have only just lost their mum, then they are going to have a sibling who doesn't live with them, but lives with their classmate.

It's a lot to consider, but take some time to think about yourself and what you want/can deal with, and then think about the kids and what they can all cope with, and then consider telling him once you're more certain on what to do.

I can’t imagine this is going to go down very well at all. Especially with his wife’s family. Of course no one can push you into a termination, it is very much your body and your choice, and of course he knew there was the possibility that this could happen when he chose to have sex with you. Just don’t expect to be playing happy families with him. I think it’s got the makings of a disaster for everyone involved.

I agree, it’s the children you need to consider. His children need stability and this isn’t that.

I wouldn’t go so far as to not tell him at all if you terminate. A decent man will support you through it.

I think this has the potential to be very messy to be completely honest. You've only been seeing each other a couple of months, which is nothing. He has two boys who have already been through the loss of their Mother. The thing is, if he is as nice as you say he is likely to feel obligated to 'do the right thing' by saying he'll be fully involved with the baby as he won't want to feel he's abandoned you. But that doesn't mean that blending your families or expecting two grieving boys to welcome a new sibling when they didn't even know their Dad was in a new relationship is actually 'right' for anyone in this situation. Ultimately, no one can make the choice for you but in your shoes I would definitely terminate the pregnancy.

I would tell him, even if you are going to terminate but I also agree this has disaster written all over it. You've only been seeing each other a couple of months, the children aren't even aware of the relationship and you'd suddenly be bringing a half sibling into the mix at the same time as revealing a relationship. You couldn't move in together in time for the baby to arrive as it would be far too hasty and an upheaval for the kids. This doesn't sound like what's best for the children.

Congratulations! It will be complicated but could also be wonderful.

Firstly, what do you want to do? Keep the baby or not?

If you do decide to continue with the pregnancy, then be prepared that dp may not be happy. You may end up a single mum. He may think you’ve tricked him by becoming pregnant so soon. He may not be best pleased.

I’d say nothing and terminate. His kids don’t even know about your relationship. This news will be a massive blow. You talk about ‘pick up’? The kids are primary age? No way.

This
But only you can decide

How could it be ‘wonderful’ for the multiple children whose entire family lives it would destabilise, all over again?

I’m just wondering how you feel this would be “wonderful”?

Two grieving children facing massive upheaval? An unplanned pregnancy arising from an 8 week relationship?

I think the chances of wonderful are miniscule. His children are still dealing with the loss of their mum. Even blending families would be difficult and need to be very slow and careful, despite the kids being friends. Adding a new sibling so quickly would make it ten times worse.

In your shoes I’d have a termination. I agree with a previous poster who said that if he’s a nice guy he might feel pressured to say the ‘right things’ and it may be better not to have any debate. I can’t see how going ahead with the pregnancy could possibly be a good thing for any of your children

You sound like you want to keep it. You also sound like you assume he’ll be supportive. Taken together I would surmise that you’re secretly hoping this will bring you together in a permanent way and that you’ll all dance off into the sunset together.

That is high unlikely. What’s more likely is that he’ll resent you for complicating his life. All four DCs will be unhappy that they have inadvertently gained two new step siblings and a half sibling and a step parent all at once. The two in the same class will inevitably fall out. They’ll want a break from each other but won’t get that either at school or home. It sounds frankly like a disaster waiting to happen.

Put the existing kids first.

I mean if it’s happy news for you, then I hope it works out and congrats.

But I feel a tad sorry for your boyfriends boys. Their world will change massively…again. I can’t help feel this just isn’t the way to go with their best interests at heart.

What would combining households look like, presuming thats the direction you would want to go in should you keep the baby? If your kids and his kids currently all have their own rooms in their respective houses, could you together afford a six bedroom house to maintain that situation? Are six bedroom houses available in your area?

It would be a huge change for your existing children to be gaining a step-parent, two step-siblings, a new half-sibling, a new home, and potentially have to start sharing bedrooms. I can see that leading to a lot of resentment.

Widowed father/ grieving children/ blended family/ new relationship/ new baby- what could possibly go wrong?!

It’s far too early to be bringing a new baby into this situation and deeply unfair for all the children, especially his.

I feel so sorry for his poor children. I would terminate in your shoes. This is a casual relationship of no time at all, madness to bring a baby into it.

Not a popular opinion on mumsnet but you both need to prioritise your existing children, especially him.

Just to clear up one bit – it’s not an 8 week relationship. We’ve been seeing each other for just over 2 months, but we were getting to know each other for quite a while before that through the kids – chats at the gate, helping each other with pick ups now and then etc. So it hasn’t been a flash-in-the-pan sort of thing, it’s built up slowly and naturally. That said, it’s still early days, and we’ve been very careful not to involve the kids in any way beyond normal school friendship/playdates – they don’t know we’re seeing each other.

Re his boys – I completely hear what people are saying. They’ve been through a huge loss, and I’d never do anything to intentionally add to their hurt or confusion. That’s part of why I’m hesitating – I’m not blind to the impact this would have on them or anyone else involved.

I did want a third child once – when I was still with my ex – but I had two miscarriages and after we split (amicable but he’s not very hands on tbh) I made peace with just having my two. I was content. So this hasn’t come from a place of baby-chasing or trying to “tie” someone down. Honestly if anything I feel a bit stunned that it’s even physically happened – between the pill and condoms I really didn’t think it was likely.

I don’t know if I should tell him and say “I’m pregnant and these are the options I’m thinking about” or just tell him and let him lead. We’re both child-free tonight and most of the day tomorrow until evening, so there’s time for a proper conversation.

He’s kind and thoughtful – really genuine. That’s why it’s hard for me to picture him reacting in a cruel or angry way, though obviously I could be wrong. But I’m not assuming this baby will somehow magically bring us together permanently, and I’m not sat here daydreaming about the perfect blended family. I’m just… working through it.

Thanks again everyone x