Bit of a situation with widowed dad from school… need advice

[Donaldfo]

Hi all,
Bit of a long one and honestly not sure what I’m after really.

So I’ve been seeing this widowed dad from my youngest’s school. Started off just chatting at pick up, then a coffee, then it sort of turned into a thing. He lost his wife a couple years back, proper lovely guy, really good dad to his two boys. We’ve been seeing each other a couple months, nothing serious serious, but nice.

Anyway, here’s the thing – I’ve just found out I’m pregnant.

I was on the pill and we were using condoms (bar one time – classic) so it’s a bit of a shock. I’ve taken two tests and both positive.

Haven’t told him yet. Was going to say something this weekend when we’ve got a bit of time together. I’m not expecting him to throw confetti or anything but I don’t think he’ll freak out either.

I’ve got two kids already (from a previous ex – all calm there), and wasn’t planning on another. But I don’t feel panicked like I thought I would? Probably cos I actually like him and I don’t feel like I’m on my own with it, even though I’ve not told him yet.

Just wondering what others would do in this situation. Do I go in with all the options laid out or just say it and see what he says?

I know people might have views about the widowed dad thing but we’ve both been adults about it, no drama. Just not what I expected to be dealing with today.

Any thoughts appreciated x

I have a good friend who had a similar (ish) situation to this. They stayed living separately and she had the baby (now much older) most of the time on her own but with visits to/from the dad etc. They are still together and still in the same living set up. It’s obviously not a situation you hear about every day, but there’s no reason to say you can’t do it or that you would have to rush into blended living arrangements. It’s a human life at the end of the day, not a car you don’t have a parking space for… some people on here act like if babies don’t just seamlessly fit into their life, then it’s “obvious” you should terminate it without even telling the father. So weird imo

Unlike all those telling you what to do I'm just going to suggest you think about how this might develop and the impact on your family. If you decide to keep the baby then rushing into a blended family is maybe not the best way to go. You could live separately still, although it would be time to let the children know their parents have started a new relationship. This means less change for his children to take in all at once and you keep your independence.

Consider what would happen if the relationship breaks down. How are you managing financially at present? Where will this new child sleep and if you work are you likely to be able to manage childcare going forward? Take off the rose tinted glasses and imagine a future in which you are not all together.

Yes you should tell him. Even if he makes the right noises his preference is likely to be abortion but it's your body and your choice.

Hope this evening goes well @Donaldfo . You sound like you're very thoughtful, both of your children, the new bf and his children. Yes it might not be ideal timing or situation, but it is what it is, and you sound like you'll make the best of whatever you decide. For what it's worth I think you're doing the right thing telling him. You're not putting pressure on him to do x, y or z, just being honest about the situation.

I've been widowed. Yes it was shit when DH1 was ill, and even worse when he died, and DC and I were all devastated. But... life invariably goes on, and then you learn that grief changes rather than leaving, and somehow you can now be happy at the same time, and that life is for the living.

I got into a new relationship much faster than your boyfriend has, OP, (about 2 years) and we had a baby together only a year after that. There was some judgement, here and there, from people who decided it was too fast, but actually the people close to us (including DH1's family) could see how we made each other's lives better - and how my DC's lives were better for having (now) DH2 love them too, and a new baby brother. DH1's brother even bought me my wedding dress to marry DH2 in - he said it's what his little brother would have wanted.

It's your body - your choice, and your choice is clearly that you want the baby. So congratulations I would not be shocked to hear that your boyfriend, once he's absorbed the news, is much more supportive of that choice than of the thought of termination. Because going through the kind of loss he experienced makes a lot of us learn that life is a gift, and having another child to love is probably the biggest gift of all.

I think you'll benefit from finding a really good family therapist to help first you and your boyfriend, and then later both sets of sons alongside each of you, and ultimately maybe all of you together, work through this momentous change. What it looks like in terms of blending (or not) and logistics (either way) will be a process for you both - don't put pressure on yourself or him to solve all that when you talk this evening. Life often throws up more questions than answers and that's OK.

Your boyfriend may well be a member of WAY (Widowed and Young) in which case he'll know other young widowers who have gone through similar circumstances, who it would be good for him to talk to - and his kids will have encountered others who've lost a parent then, in time, gained a loving step-parent. (If he's not a member, I suggest that he joins because it's very helpful.) A Way recommendation was also how I found the family therapist who worked with all of us for a while. https://www.widowedandyoung.org.uk

Just want to confirm I did take it properly and it still caused the irregular bleeding. Unsure if you were implying I didn’t use it properly but just wanted to put that out there!

I would be very wary of merging your families, unfortunately these poor boys have been through a huge trauma and could have a lot of issues later down the line as a result, I wouldn’t want to add another child which would take attention away from their needs and also I wouldn’t want my children to be put into an environment where there could be serious behavioural or emotional issues. I know a few families that have been through a loss and unfortunately the children do have behavioural problems as a result and need a lot of time and attention.

If you like him then I would have a termination as there is zero chance the relationship will survive you keeping it. WAY too complicated and he of course will completely prioritize his existing children. This won't lock him down as you seem to think. He will bolt, I'm sure he will make all the right noises and be financially helpful and will see the child but I imagive v v little else

Kindly, "I don't expect him to propose or anything" only suggests your thoughts (though not your expectations) are going firmly towards daydreaming and not to the messy reality of what is.

I personally would not be going ahead with the pregnancy and I wouldn't tell him, I'd just deal with it as soon as possible. He's had enough grief, don't burden him with this.

OP you seem quite deluded, honestly. Saying he’s not going to be angry or act cruelly misses the point. This baby is a disaster for him and for his poor children and now he’s got no say whatsoever about what happens next. (Obviously he should have worn a condom and the choice is yours).

If he’s as nice as you say he will be supportive because what choice does he have, but don’t fantasise about him being made up about this. You’re a school mum he’s been having casual sex with for a very short time.

If you really care about him, really think there is a way for you to be together that doesn’t totally ruin your and his children’s lives, then you should terminate now and plan for a baby in the future if things do work out.

If you want this baby, then go ahead. But please be prepared for your boyfriend to be shocked and horrified, not overwhelmed with joy at bringing a new life into this world. He sounds like a nice man, and you probably won't have any problem getting child maintenance from him, but don't expect a proposal. Life isn't a Hallmark movie, with the happiest of happy endings.

So get an IUD fitted.

Good luck, on balance I don’t think this is good timing though.

I would definitely say tell him, and don't go in with predetermined outcome.

Then both take say 2 weeks to think and talk and see where you end up.

This, OP.
This was the first thing that popped into my head.
You tell him.You tell because - I don’t know, it just seems like you need to tell him.
Sending love from across an ocean and continent ❤️

Good luck op

Posting to get the update on the conversation.

I wish you well OP.

Are you his mum?
You’re certainly an expert on his reactions and feelings.

I just wanted to send you the best of luck for your chat this evening. It doesn’t sound easy, but I also understand why you don’t want to quietly terminate and then lie to him. ♥️

If he’s as nice and good a guy as the OP says he will prioritise his existing bereaved children for whom this whole shit show would be a nightmare.

If he doesn’t then the OP is a poor judge of character.

It Happens , the only way 100% prevent a pregnancy is to not have sex.

Exactly this. Having been the young child whose father disappeared, within months my brother and I were living with our mum and this new bloke and his two kids. Then a baby came along.

It was just too much and it was incredibly selfish of the adults. The existing children should be coming first, not what "could be lovely". It rarely is IME, well not for the original children.

Whats for you won’t go by you!

Good luck for tonight.

I'd say "tell him, trust him, and give him time". It isn't what either of you planned, but it has happened, and you both have responsibilities and rights for your situations. Yours, of course, what you choose to do, but he also has to work out what to do with and for his family.

@Donaldfo “Just to clear up one bit – it’s not an 8 week relationship. We’ve been seeing each other for just over 2 months, but we were getting to know each other for quite a while before that through the kids”

it’s an 8 week relationship

stop future faking yourself

getting to know someone is a mile away from being in a relationship with them.

this will be an unholy mess and the kids will suffer. Deal with this responsibly and see what happens in the future

you have control and agency in this, don’t fuck up your kids by throwing yourself into a very fraught and difficult situation and dragging them with you. They have no choice in how you live your life, so make sure that you make the best decisions for them.