Bit of a situation with widowed dad from school… need advice

[Donaldfo]

Hi all,
Bit of a long one and honestly not sure what I’m after really.

So I’ve been seeing this widowed dad from my youngest’s school. Started off just chatting at pick up, then a coffee, then it sort of turned into a thing. He lost his wife a couple years back, proper lovely guy, really good dad to his two boys. We’ve been seeing each other a couple months, nothing serious serious, but nice.

Anyway, here’s the thing – I’ve just found out I’m pregnant.

I was on the pill and we were using condoms (bar one time – classic) so it’s a bit of a shock. I’ve taken two tests and both positive.

Haven’t told him yet. Was going to say something this weekend when we’ve got a bit of time together. I’m not expecting him to throw confetti or anything but I don’t think he’ll freak out either.

I’ve got two kids already (from a previous ex – all calm there), and wasn’t planning on another. But I don’t feel panicked like I thought I would? Probably cos I actually like him and I don’t feel like I’m on my own with it, even though I’ve not told him yet.

Just wondering what others would do in this situation. Do I go in with all the options laid out or just say it and see what he says?

I know people might have views about the widowed dad thing but we’ve both been adults about it, no drama. Just not what I expected to be dealing with today.

Any thoughts appreciated x

But do you understand how the pill works? Your 'period' is a withdrawal bleed, not a true period. Assuming it's the combined pill. If you're on the pill your period dates won't align with conception.

So you tell your kids "hey, I'm pregnant. So you're getting a sibling in six months. Oh, and by the way, we're moving house and schools". Yeah, that's definitely in the kids best interest. 🙄

This is where being a mother kicks in. This is where you have to decide not what is best for you, but what is best for your children. Your existing children. Objectively, there is a very small chance that having a baby now, without either sides' children knowing that their parent is dating, with the Dad's children inevitably still dealing with grief, with one of your children having additional needs, will work out. You must know that.

It's your seven year old that I would feel most for. I have an autistic child myself and I know how hard it is, how left out the neurotypical sibling feels. A new baby needing all the attention (especially if you still single parenting) and anything left over going on his older brother. A mate from his class suddenly turning in to a sort of sibling and getting a sort of step parent at the same time. I can't see, even with the most careful management, how that wouldn't leave a permanent mark on him. And all because your pregnancy hormones is making you see Magicland where everything works out. Your relationship with the Dad has potential, but that's all. Potential isn't enough to make a decision like this.

Are you fundamentally against terminations? If you are, fine, I get it. You'll have to do your very best to minimise the fall out from going ahead with the pregnancy. As I said above, I'd keep a very very close eye on the middle kid. I think it would be very likely to be the end of your relationship with the Dad. Maybe not straight away, but it's all so complex and he will always put the feelings of his own, existing, children first. As he should. He might or might not remain in the baby's life - you'd hope that he would but again, it'll depend on how his kids feel. You'd have to prepare to be a single mum to three.

If you do go ahead and terminate, then that might also end your relationship, even if Dad is on board with the termination. It's a lot to test an 8 week old relationship. That said, at least you are both adults, and will only have to deal with your own feelings on the matter. If the relationship survives this (and I think it's much more likely that it will if you choose to terminate than if you choose to go ahead with the pregnancy), then you can gently introduce yourself to each other's children, giving your relationship the best chance of turning into something permanent.

He sounds lovely, and so do you, and so do your kids. Whatever happens it will be ok in the end though it may be a bumpy ride to get there.

I think I would tell him in a way that opens it up as a conversation.

"You know that one time we got so carried away we didn't use a condom? Well it turns out I'm pregnant but I'm not sure yet what I want to do. Things have been going so well between us and I was beginning to think we have a future together, but this doesn't feel like the right time to bring a new child into the picture. What do you think?"

He might be positive about moving things on and welcoming the baby and blending your families - if so great, but make sure it's what you want and that your kids will be ok.

He might take a more neutral but still supportive view - encouraging you that it's totally your choice either way, but making no commitments about that effecting your relationship either positively or negatively. Also a green flag.

If he tries to pressure you towards termination that's a red flag. Obviously still make the decision that's right for you, but the relationship will be dead either way.

@Donaldfo , the way I read your post is that you're pretty confident about this relationship at this stage, which is really great to hear. You say you're not panicking about telling him, that's a great sign - means you can make a decision that's much more likely to be your own rather than trying to please him, whichever way he goes with it.

If you're comfortable in his company I'd tell him as soon as possible. Then you can go forward armed with his reaction - and opinions - which might help you to make a decision.

You won't know where his head is at or how the next few months may look unless you tell him, this is too big a thing to be fuelled by assumptions.

I'm going to go against the flow here and say that actually, this could turn out really well for everyone; yes there will be some challenges in the short, medium and long terms, but isn't that just life?

And yes the two little boys lost their mum, but that was three and a half years ago, it's not like their dad has rushed into a new relationship, and you're not trying to replace their mum, you're someone they already know, and your kids all know each other...

There is nothing to say that all seven of you need to move into a new place overnight, it'll take some working out of course it will, but don't you and the dad deserve some companionship and happiness? And so long as that's not at the expense of your kids - and it doesn't sound like it would be (this isn't one of those cock before kids situations I don't think?) - then why wouldn't you consider it?

I'm calm and mindful that this is a public space, which is why I'm very aware that, unfortunately, if someone shares thoughts of suicide, there could be people responding with comments like "Go for it." No, I'm not comparing this to the OP's situation—it's just an example. That said, the advice I gave in my previous comment is still very valid.

Yes I agree with this 😊

What about what's right for this child? What if it doesn't work out and this guy has no interest in settling down with you and creating a family of five kids?

What if, in a year's time, you're on your own with three children and not talking to him. Forget how you feel, what kind of life would you be able to give that baby? Have you got room in your home? Can you afford the childcare required?

I would suggest it may well be better to focus on giving your existing children the best you can.

You are using two forms of contraception so neither of you want a baby, so a quiet termination would seem appropriate. I think you have alternative motives for telling him.

It must be very hard to get pregnant using the pill AND condoms in just a two month time period. And it all happened on the one time you didn't use one.

You don't have periods on the pill, you have a withdrawal bleed so they can't be all over the place, and if they were why would you not track when having sex?

That chart refers to one method of typical use over 10 years of use not two methods over 2 months.

Your trying to say him
being widows is not an issue and yet your whole post is about him being a widow. Men move on quick after a wife dies. That won’t be your problem here. What will be in his children. You may think they have mourned but they won’t have and a new baby could stir up all sorts of emotions. I am a widowed mum so speak from some experience .

I can’t believe how many people are giving you a hard time here OP.

it was unplanned and unexpected but maybe it’s serendipitous. Kids are resilient and it may be that after 3.5yrs of their mum passing that his boys will be pleased to be apart of a family unit, however that may look.

But for the love of god don’t go terminating and going through that alone because of advise from a bunch of strangers on the internet!

It sounds like you have a great relationships going on here, wishing you well whatever the outcome 💖

God you have no idea! 3.5 years for two little boys is nothing. It’s been 7 years for us and my 16 year old still goes through the mill with his bereavement. Those kids will be an issue- not their fault but it won’t be all roses.

I'm a bit confused...if you are on the pill and were taking them regularly your period can't be all over the place and hard to track. Its not hormonally possible? The whole point of the pill is they control your cycle.

I was widowed in November 2017 when my son was 2. I got pregnant in early 2021 from a casual relationship. My son absolutely adores his sister. The father didn't stick around though and last saw her when she was 3 months old. Weigh everything up because there's a good chance you'll be a single parent. But for my family a new baby was a healing experience.

Oh well if you say so, then she must be wrong.
About her own body, with her own TWO positives.
jesus wept.
No advise, but I wish you the best OP. Not an easy decision im sure.

I think you’d be utterly selfish having this baby. You aren’t thinking about the children you already have and the impact on them.

I would talk to him. Be honest. Say it is unexpected and what does he think? Should you terminate. I hope it all works out for you.

For all the people I know in RL and have seen on here who’ve rushed into relationships, this doesn’t seem like a lot of those relationships.

OP he sounds like a very good friend, and at this time a good friend is what you need. You don’t have a lot of time but I think you have some time to separately and together reflect on the situation and what you want to do. Either way I think this is make or break for your relationship, you can probably never go back to what it was.

Could you and your existing DC cope with another child?

Would this man be as good as any if you were ever in a potential relationship/blended family situation in the future?

Do you think he’s solvent and sensible enough to navigate the logistics of it?

I think if you decide to go ahead the messaging to your DC is crucial… tell them you see it as something that’s lovely but unexpected, and that you’re all going to work together through the inevitable ups and downs to make the best of it, and that aside from having a new baby around, the changes will be taken slowly. I don’t think there’s any need to be moving houses even any time soon from what you’ve said.

I’m usually pretty cautious about these things but this doesn’t necessarily sound like the disaster that PPs are making out.

I think the above is very good advice.

In your shoes... It sounds like you quite like the idea of a third child. But I would approach it as if you are single with no current relationship and consider how you would feel if that was the case. Ask yourself if you would still quite welcome the idea and are happy to be completely independent. Or if you'd only contemplate it with a partner.

You have time to consider this.

I am going to tell him later. I’ve thought about it every way and honestly I just don’t think this is something I could keep from him. I get that some people think a quiet termination would be the simplest route, but I know myself and it would sit badly with me. This is his baby too, whatever happens, and I couldn’t look him in the eye later knowing I kept something so big from him. That would wreck any chance of trust long term, and I’m not interested in building anything that starts off with secrets.

I know it’s a messy situation, and I haven’t lost sight of that. I’ve read and re-read what people have said about the kids, especially mine, and it’s not falling on deaf ears. I’ve always been very protective of them, especially my eldest, and I wouldn’t make any decisions without thinking hard about what it means for them too.

I do understand how the pill works and I know the difference between a withdrawal bleed and a natural cycle. What I meant is that even with that, mine are still a bit unpredictable. I don’t track them properly anymore because there’s never any clear pattern and it didn’t seem necessary when I was on both pill and condoms. I can’t say exactly when it happened because of that, which is frustrating, but I’m not trying to be vague on purpose.

I’ll be seeing him tonight and we’ve got a bit of space to talk. I’m going to tell him gently, not make it dramatic, and just see where his head’s at. I’m not expecting him to propose or anything – I just want to be honest and give him the chance to respond

I wasn't suggesting that it was "only" 3.5 years though, as I know from a bereaved friends' kids that the loss of a parent goes on indefinitely...but that doesn't mean that other things in life can't be good, or that their dad (in my friend's case) staying single forever would somehow make the loss of their mum hurt less...

Life deals hard cards to many of us, and the OP - and hopefully her new DP - sound like thoughtful and caring parents who, after due thought, will do what they think is the right thing for everyone. It was just the default MN "this is bad in this situation" doesn't feel right to me...without knowing them, no one can say what the kids in either family will feel like if the situation stays the same or if it changes over time. That is for the OP and her DP to work through before they make a decision.

It absolutely can be. Anecdotally - I was on the mini pill and my period/withdrawal bleeds were all over the place. Most people don’t get a period at all on that pill, I was unlucky enough to have super irregular bleeding which it sounds like the OP has also had.

I was trying to put exactly this into words. Good luck op whatever you decide to do.

I certainly don’t intend to ‘give the OP a hard time’. But I don’t have to agree with her current rosy spectacled view of things either. Presumably most people posting are adult women with some experience of life - but at one remove from the OP’s situation. I can’t see why anyone, of any opinion , wouldn’t want the best for her?

Honestly I was on the pill for over a decade, and it amazes me the amount of people who don't know how to take it properly. They don't know that diarrhoea or antibiotics means you require a back up method, or think if they miss a pill here or there/don't take it within the required window that it'll be fine. They then fall pregnant and apparently the pill has failed, adding to a statistic somewhere I'm sure. There are so many pregnancies that could have been avoided, if common sense had prevailed above sex. Bringing a life into this world is not something to play Russian roulette with.
I appreciate this isn't what has probably happen to the op, I do digress.