Bit of a situation with widowed dad from school… need advice

[Donaldfo]

Hi all,
Bit of a long one and honestly not sure what I’m after really.

So I’ve been seeing this widowed dad from my youngest’s school. Started off just chatting at pick up, then a coffee, then it sort of turned into a thing. He lost his wife a couple years back, proper lovely guy, really good dad to his two boys. We’ve been seeing each other a couple months, nothing serious serious, but nice.

Anyway, here’s the thing – I’ve just found out I’m pregnant.

I was on the pill and we were using condoms (bar one time – classic) so it’s a bit of a shock. I’ve taken two tests and both positive.

Haven’t told him yet. Was going to say something this weekend when we’ve got a bit of time together. I’m not expecting him to throw confetti or anything but I don’t think he’ll freak out either.

I’ve got two kids already (from a previous ex – all calm there), and wasn’t planning on another. But I don’t feel panicked like I thought I would? Probably cos I actually like him and I don’t feel like I’m on my own with it, even though I’ve not told him yet.

Just wondering what others would do in this situation. Do I go in with all the options laid out or just say it and see what he says?

I know people might have views about the widowed dad thing but we’ve both been adults about it, no drama. Just not what I expected to be dealing with today.

Any thoughts appreciated x

I started off trying to believe she didn't do it on purpose, the more I read the less I believed.

It's a bit of a nightmare for the other six humans she's involving in her plans, that's for sure.

But honestly, men, wear a condom or get a vasectomy because unfortunately the trope of woman getting up the duff to hang on to you exists for a reason. Not saying men can't be unethical of course, they absolutely can. But men really should not be having unprotected sex with women they barely know and have no intentions of having kids with, because this is a well known outcome.

And I have said earlier in the thread, my only advice to her was to have an abortion and not tell him. She's told him, so I guess my advice is to have an abortion and tell him. It's fair to say - judging by his reaction - he will be extremely relieved if she does, and extremely careful in future.

But, let's face it, the OP was planning to keep this baby all along. She went from "Oh dear what CAN I DO? What would YOU DO?!" to "I'm telling him and "leaning towards" keeping the baby in about 8 hours. I hope he has the good sense not to move her in to his children's home, they've been through enough without having to share money, resources and time and be coerced into pretending they're The Brady Bunch and happy to share the only parent they have left with strangers and a half sibling.

Good luck to all the kids in this scenario, because the adults aren't much cop.

Haven’t read all the replies but quickly jumping back on to clarify re my periods – I’m on the pill but they’ve always been a bit all over the place. Not irregular as such but I don’t track them properly anymore because they’re never the same. Sometimes I’ll get spotting for a few days then nothing, then a full blown period out of nowhere. So it’s hard to pin down exact dates, which is why I’m not totally sure when this happened.

Unless you're completely ignorant of how the Pill works you will know it stops ovulation. Having periods all over the place mean your Pill wasn't working. You should have one bleed (not a period) each month when you come to the end of the pack.

So you should have insisted he used condoms every time - as well as getting the Pill sorted properly.

There's a lack of taking responsibility for something that you should have known was possible.

I'd be more sympathetic is this was genuine 'pill failure' but you ignored what was happening to you and took a risk. Maybe deep down you know this but you're not showing it in your posts - admitting it or showing any sense of remorse.

I hope there is a way forward which limits the damage to everyone involved.

Years ago on the combined pill I tried to take it back-to-back - and in response had a three-week bleed. So erratic bleeding even when taking it correctly is possible.

The pill and condoms have a very high protection rate if used properly, but real-life use is a bit short of that because we are flawed human beings. It's something like 92% for the pill, 85% (!) for condoms.

From memory, you can get a fertility boost after stopping the pill, and in perimenopause you can suddenly be very fertile.

So the posters saying this couldn't have happened unless the OP actively intended it are just wrong - and expressing it hatefully too.

FWIW, I don't think this was intended. It sounds as if there's a strong attraction between them - as well as the fact they get on well - nature takes over and many long relationships are built on less.

It's not so surprising that somebody who has seen death up close might feel subconsciously that life is short and to hell with being careful. Even if he has regrets now, it's not the worst thing.

If a child does come along - and it's still very early days - they've still won the lottery of life: born into a wealthy society where there is free education and reasonable healthcare, with two educated parents who will make sure they have what they need for a solid start in life.

For the existing children - it is sad that the OP's sons don't have an involved father. And it's beyond tragic that the boyfriend's children have lost their mother.

But having a new sibling, even in these circumstances, is not an injustice to them. Nobody could or should expect that the father remains single until his children are grown. He will be a better parent for being in a happy relationship, whether with OP or someone else. And if it's someone else, they may have children and want more.

That doesn't mean I think this is an ideal situation where things are bound to turn out wonderfully - but this is how real life works. It's what you make of it. Having a perfect set-up and careful planning doesn't guarantee that things turn out as they should. We have less control than we think, but we can manage our responses and adapt.

Besides that - the references by some of the posters above to 'casual sex' and 'entrapment' are misogynistic and have no place on this forum. Jesus Christ, this is not the Massachusetts Bay Colony.

Getting pregnant by deception when you know the man doesn't want a baby is an awful thing to do though. It's not 1950s woman blaming. I am NOT saying that is what the OP has done mind. But it may look like it to some people, including her boyfriend. She should do whatever she wants to do, of course, and she will. But she needs to be realistic, she's likely to be a single mum to 3 rather than with her new man in a huge house with their 5 children.

Ah, I can see you are a student of the projection school of attempted comebacks. Well done, good job, that was a lovely try :)

I don't think she's ever suggested they'll live in a huge house? Why does that have to be the only acceptable outcome?

And why is the default still that he can choose to have nothing to do with it and all the work and suffering automatically and without question lands with the woman?

But she HAS trapped him. He is vulnerable. Regardless of what mumsnet “experts” who clearly have never experienced bereavement of a spouse think, he will still be vulnerable and emotional 3+ years on. I don’t think they are on the same page. FFS. It’s been two months. And she’s already pregnant? How do you know theres a strong attraction? He’s most likely a lonely man who liked the attention he got from her. Then she’s dropped this bombshell that will shatter the world of his boys. They are most important in this. He is as responsible and shouldn’t have put his needs first and shouldn’t have been so stupid. But there ARE women out there who get themselves pregnant deliberately. We all know that so don’t pretend the female race is perfect.

your comment about being a better parent in a happy relationship is pretty insulting too. Lots of us who have been widowed choose to stay single. And I know we are damn good parents.

Oh. Oh dear.

Ah, now reading from the zinger comebacks for primary school students book. 👏

@Donaldfoi think you should get this thread taken down. I suspect you are identifiable due to the detail in the stories even if you have changed some details.

I apologise for my phrasing where I said 'he will be a better parent'. If I could edit it I would change it to 'he might be a better parent', which is what I meant. (Because - how on earth can I know? I don't know these people!)

It depends on circumstances and needs. People have different needs and some people are better at deferring their own needs. Your children are very lucky to have you. But I don't think it's unreasonable or selfish for others to want or feel they need a relationship.

I stand by my point on 'entrapment'.

A family of 7 would need a huge house no?
It's not right that women have all the burden, of course not, but unfortunately that's usually what happens, as shown by the OP's situation with her 2 existing children.

There have been some horrible responses here. I am pro choice but noone should be telling another woman she should have an abortion if she doesn't want one. Especially one who has suffered loss.

Yes some blended families can be a shit show but some are great. I have seen both. OP you both sound like good parents who will take your children's feelings into account when considering how to move forward. Whether or not you keep the baby is separate. For instance, you don't have to rush moving in together even if you do keep the baby if you decide that staying separate and taking your time in fully blending your families would work better for everyone. I think that is what I would be tending towards in your shoes. Start making your kids aware of your relationship and spend time together but you don't need to rush to move in together even if it is your long term goal.

Also if you keep the baby, make sure you would be happy raising them without your partner as it really is early days and you don't know (although do we ever) how things will work out.

Whatever you decide, I wish you the best of luck.

Going into their sexual relationship - it was clear that neither presented to the other that they wanted a baby with each other.

Condoms plus The Pill = we don’t want a baby.

The Pill alone = female at least —- doesn’t want a baby. Used properly does not get a baby.

OP is deluded about relationship, about herself, and likely about the “kind” man she barely knows.

It happens because society - man and women - accept it. No challenges are made, no expectations that it should be different.

So many people saying poor man, he's been trapped, and you'll end up a single mother because we all know this poor man can just walk away.

Woman's right to choose, but only if we agree with you.

Years ago on the combined pill I tried to take it back-to-back - and in response had a three-week bleed. So erratic bleeding even when taking it correctly is possible.

@helpsquared Respectfully, I don't think your one experience of the Pill has any bearing on this other than to make the point it can fail. And taking it back to back is not in fact 'correctly'.

The point is that if when taking it 'correctly' there is unusual bleeding, a woman should assume her own cycle is has kicked in and she may be ovulating.

I can't understand how someone (presumably in their 30s or older) who's taking the Pill doesn't realise that it isn't working when they are getting periods.

He might be thinking:
”she’ll do, nice lady, available & local, doesn’t want kids, few shags and I’m out”

We know she’s thinking
”he’s kind, local, kids friend w mine. Owns house, sad widower, good job, ticks all the boxes for daddy of my last chance baby”

I am pro choice but noone should be telling another woman she should have an abortion if she doesn't want one. Especially one who has suffered loss.

Why should they not tell her?
She HAS a choice. Giving an opinion is not marching her to the doctors or clinic, is it?

OP asked for 'thoughts'. That's what she's got.

Well, it's been a pleasure as always. I hope you get the validation you're looking for.

Such assumptions!