Bit of a situation with widowed dad from school… need advice

[Donaldfo]

Hi all,
Bit of a long one and honestly not sure what I’m after really.

So I’ve been seeing this widowed dad from my youngest’s school. Started off just chatting at pick up, then a coffee, then it sort of turned into a thing. He lost his wife a couple years back, proper lovely guy, really good dad to his two boys. We’ve been seeing each other a couple months, nothing serious serious, but nice.

Anyway, here’s the thing – I’ve just found out I’m pregnant.

I was on the pill and we were using condoms (bar one time – classic) so it’s a bit of a shock. I’ve taken two tests and both positive.

Haven’t told him yet. Was going to say something this weekend when we’ve got a bit of time together. I’m not expecting him to throw confetti or anything but I don’t think he’ll freak out either.

I’ve got two kids already (from a previous ex – all calm there), and wasn’t planning on another. But I don’t feel panicked like I thought I would? Probably cos I actually like him and I don’t feel like I’m on my own with it, even though I’ve not told him yet.

Just wondering what others would do in this situation. Do I go in with all the options laid out or just say it and see what he says?

I know people might have views about the widowed dad thing but we’ve both been adults about it, no drama. Just not what I expected to be dealing with today.

Any thoughts appreciated x

I'm going to go against the grain here and say you need to decide what you want to do for you first OP. You are not responsible for the dad's bereaved children, you are responsible for yourself and your own children only at this stage. It's his job to manage his own children and how he might handle this with them.

If you are feeling that you want to keep the baby then that's fine, you don't need to immediately 'blend' families or push things forward just because of the baby. There will still be a way to gently introduce the new baby to all of their siblings.

Obviously it's not ideal that this has happened so soon but these things happen and it's not to say it can't be good, even if you just go ahead and have the baby yourself.

Blended families are challenging...

New relationships are challenging...
Small babies are challenging...

You would not just be gaining one extra child, you would be adding 4 more people into your family, who's needs you would need to consider, on top of the extra challenges brought by your eldest son's autism.

Maybe you can imagine a beautiful future as a family of 7, but even with plenty of financial resources and no trauma or neurodiversity challenges, a family of 7 is complex. You get to choose... talk to your partner, grieve the baby that might have been, build your life going forward, putting your older children front and centre, with their needs first.. or you can step into a whole new scenario that significantly increases your risk of further fractured relationships, compromises, and stress for everyone.

Yes we were using both condoms and the pill. Apart from one time when we didn’t use a condom – it was very spur of the moment and I wasn’t thinking straight. I’m not 100% sure if that was the time it happened because my periods have been all over the place recently, but it might have been. Every other time before and after that, we’ve used both. I’m as shocked as anyone tbh, I know it’s not foolproof but still didn’t expect this.

I’ve taken two tests, they were the cheaper ones but same ones I’ve used before and they’ve always been reliable. Both were clearly positive, no faint lines or anything. I really don’t think it’s a false positive, surely two wouldn’t be wrong.

And just to be clear, although we only had the exclusivity conversation two weeks ago, we were already behaving like we were exclusive before that. I hadn’t been with anyone else at all and he hasn’t either. He’s even joked before that he wouldn’t have the time anyway with work and his boys keeping him busy.

I keep thinking about whether I could just quietly terminate and avoid the fallout but I genuinely don’t think I could do it without telling him. Not because I want him to make the decision for me, but because it would feel wrong to just not say anything when it’s his baby too. I don’t know if we’ll stay together long term or not, but if there’s any chance we’re trying to build something here, I can’t start it with something that big kept from him.

Totally agree it’s a really crap time and that his boys would find it hard.

I agree. I think it's fair to tell him. What if he wants more further down the line, potentially even marriage etc... you may end up discussing children, then have the challenge of whether to reveal that you had a termination early on in your relationship. Honesty is always the best policy.

No idea how he will react. I think it was irresponsible of you to get pregnant in the circumstances you describe. You just have to hope he is pleased and everything will work out. But it might not.

Sorry op, I agree with the majority; it is a bad idea. I also don't understand how chats at a school gate and 2 months dating (esp with a widow) isn't a flash in the pan? Of course it is, and now a baby. You met this man whilst he was/is grieving, and vulnerable. Now you hVe gotten pregnant, which will mean more loss for him or keeping a baby that will mean a huge amount of risk for his existing children.
This is far far too quick, and will complicate all of your lives, and end in tears. Not sure how the accidental pregnancy happened as birth control is pretty good these days, but it isn't fair on the children. I hope things work out, good luck x

I would just have an honest conversation with him and take it from there.

You want to keep the baby, so that's what you'll do.

I wouldn't tell the father until week 20 of the pregnancy, when you'll have a life viability scan, though you might show (and have to tell him) earlier. I would make it clear that you prefer to have a slow relationship approach and don't expect him to be a doting or involved father.

I'd be clear to your kids, in an age-appropriate way, that they are going to be brothers to a new member of the family, and if they enquire about the identity of the father (the oldest might not, given his autism) then I'd tell them that for now you'd like to keep that private. They might guess it anyway, given your 'friendship' and kids are not stupid.

If your relationship progresses to the point where you'll want to take your relationship further, then you'll need to do this carefully, given the blended family situation. I would not cohabitate any time soon -- allowing both of you to have your own family homes will likely be beneficial for the kids involved.

I agree with this.

Good luck with whatever you decide @Donaldfo .

she was on the pill and mostly using condoms - double protection, except once. but being on the pill would be normal contraception level for most women. what are you expecting her to do in addition to be responsible????

Yes we were using both condoms and the pill. Apart from one time when we didn’t use a condom – it was very spur of the moment and I wasn’t thinking straight. I’m not 100% sure if that was the time it happened because my periods have been all over the place recently, but it might have been. Every other time before and after that, we’ve used both. I’m as shocked as anyone tbh, I know it’s not foolproof but still didn’t expect this.

I’m a bit confused - how can your periods be all over the place when you’re on the pill?

Following OP, good luck to you whatever you decide x

When I was on the pill my periods were regular as clockwork; I would pop along to your GP I think as them being all over the place doesn’t sound right. I don’t want to worry you but worth a conversation

You'd be keepng the baby for you, and blowing up the lives of the children, especially his.

I think a tiny bit of you is hoping that if you tell him you're pregnant, he'll be delighted and you'll keep the baby, blend your families etc etc.

I think you need to be hard headed and realistic here - there are children involved and this is too soon. Though it's an accident, he may think that it wasn't - my really nice guy ex accussed me of trying to trap him with my accidental pregnancy, a dreadful basis for co-parenting.

I think you need to terminate and not tell him. He's not going to be your support here, thats what friends are for.

I also think you are looking at this from on overly romantic/optimistic point of view. This isn't simply a lovely surprise that fast forwards what might have happened anyway in five years. Even if it were to also bring joy, it would inevitably mean more losses for his children (and yours) - of time, space to grief, attention from their dad, more complicated relationships with grandparents of all kids...
While I agree that ever woman has the right to choose, unless you have always been firmly against abortion for deeply held reasons and this really have no actual choice, I think continuing the pregnancy would be unkind to those who already exist and to whom prior duties exist. Sorry.

Agree with this completely,

Only alternative would be to present as

"This has happened, but I plan to terminate. I thought you should know"

I mean, this.

You get to decide if you want a third baby

if it was too messy you could always move you and the children to another area

Sorry, but it seems to me this is what straightforward access to termination is for.

And I would not be telling him. Not to avoid ‘stressing him out’ but because you barely know him, and either way you’d be giving him some power over the rest of your life if he knew. Either you keep the baby and he’s in your life forever, for good or ill. Or you tell him and, if you have different points of view on it, he will hold it against you for as long as you know him. Nobody needs that.

I do think hormones are helping to construct a happy ever after in your mind that’s unlikely to come to pass. It only takes one of the four children already here to be unhappy about it, to burst your bubble. I know it’s hard but you need to think long term.

Goodness OP, I think the advice here is pretty brutal.

He sounds like a decent man and you should discuss this with him. At least then you have all the information before making a decision.

I don’t think you would be ruining anyone’s life by keeping the baby. Not to say it wouldn’t be hard but it’s a baby, not a nuclear bomb.

In my little world, widowed men move on quickly and it's accepted. Did you want another child op?

You are joking right?

Loads of people mentioning his children... what about her children? This will throw a bomb into the middle of their lives too...

Yes.. his are more vulnerable, but her boys will also be impacted by this. Having your best friend become your step brother and suddenly sharing your mother with 4 other people is pretty major.

I'd tell him but my default would be not to terminate.

While it's complicated it's doesn't have to be something that changes things quickly.