Bit of a situation with widowed dad from school… need advice

[Donaldfo]

Hi all,
Bit of a long one and honestly not sure what I’m after really.

So I’ve been seeing this widowed dad from my youngest’s school. Started off just chatting at pick up, then a coffee, then it sort of turned into a thing. He lost his wife a couple years back, proper lovely guy, really good dad to his two boys. We’ve been seeing each other a couple months, nothing serious serious, but nice.

Anyway, here’s the thing – I’ve just found out I’m pregnant.

I was on the pill and we were using condoms (bar one time – classic) so it’s a bit of a shock. I’ve taken two tests and both positive.

Haven’t told him yet. Was going to say something this weekend when we’ve got a bit of time together. I’m not expecting him to throw confetti or anything but I don’t think he’ll freak out either.

I’ve got two kids already (from a previous ex – all calm there), and wasn’t planning on another. But I don’t feel panicked like I thought I would? Probably cos I actually like him and I don’t feel like I’m on my own with it, even though I’ve not told him yet.

Just wondering what others would do in this situation. Do I go in with all the options laid out or just say it and see what he says?

I know people might have views about the widowed dad thing but we’ve both been adults about it, no drama. Just not what I expected to be dealing with today.

Any thoughts appreciated x

It was confusing as in the OP, she said a couple of years back. Then later changing it to three and a half years.

I feel sorry for the poor bloke. She has nothing to lose, but he does.
Imagine if you were faced with four people moving in to your house. That's more than doubling the present occupancy.
If he can't face that, he still has 18 years of payments. That's some penalty for an eight week roll in a bed when he thought her contraception was covered.

I grew up in two and I don't think it was awful. I actually really like my family.

There you go, your perfect track record is dented

Here we go @Thedevilhasfinallycaughtupwithhim an alternative opinion that contains no personal attacks! See? It is possible!

Having kept up with this thread, on balance your first paragraph is what I would advise now OP has got to the place she has - to the point of putting this forward to her boyfriend as a realistic, sensible and cautious option. I feel this would make him respect her even more. A couple of posters made a good point that they’d both be skipping several fun stages of a new relationship. Not an easy situation for anyone but the two motherless boys matter most.
OP would your home still be fine for an extra child? What is your relationship like with your parents - do you think they’d be supportive, emotionally and practically?

Quote my “personal attacks.”

The step-parenting forum proves there most definitely is not "always room for one more"! Look at those threads where children have to sleep on the sofa when they stay at their dad's home.

I feel sorry for both of them. And their children. She has plenty to lose, too. She also thought her contraception was covered (despite people constantly accusing her of lying)

There are multiple alternatives. The trouble with crystal balls is you don't have one.

But your suggestion was to raise the child as a single parent, alongside two children she already strugggles with. All of the 'love' in the world can't make that situation better, especially not for the existing children.

How much involvement do we honestly think this man will have, who forced her to take a pregnancy test in front of her? Not to mention they barely know each other, and she has miraculously fallen pregnancy after eight weeks which would make anybody suspicious. Hardly the basis of a healthy co-parenting relationship.

Of course I would suggest she terminates, just as you did. Going through with the pregnancy would be disastrous for all involved, including OP, and especially the children. I have no idea why you're using words like co-erce and force to try to paint me in a bad light.

Such as?

And I'm glad it worked out for you. But did your Mum accidentally get pregnant after eight weeks by someone you didn't even realise they were in a relationship with?

I'm sure there are healthy blended families out there. This is not a recipe for one in the slightest.

You already have the response 'that will never work' ready to so I'm not sure why you're asking

I have absolutely no idea how much involvement the dad would want and neither do you.

So, my question remains - what do you think is the best option? Because if you suggest a termination, and the OP decides she doesn’t want one but has one anyway, then she is being coerced in to one. Not specifically by you, but that is the reality of it. So you’re saying it is better to force or coerce a woman in to having an abortion than for her to try and find a workable solution.

There are no perfect options in this situation. She needs to pick the least worst.
Now if she goes away and has a think and further conversations and decides of her own free will that a termination is the best way forward then fair enough.

And 2-3 weeks pregnant is literally few days missed period (2-3 weeks after ovulation/conception). Pills based termination generates… basically a period. There is no “fetal tissue” as it’s not a fetus.

ANY MNers who’ve had miscarriages this early can confirm. There is nothing passed from your womb visible to see.

Medical info but true.

I’m not trawling through all these pages to do that. You keep calling the OP selfish and accusing her of lying about her contraception.

Convenient

OP has asked for opinions. Mine - as well as many others - is that she terminate, mostly for the sake of her existing young children and his.

That's an opinion. What OP does with that opinion is her business. I'm not convinced you understand the definition of the word co-erced.

There is no workable solution as far as I can see. She moves into his house, or he hers, into a disastrous blended family situation, where the children have NO respite from these strangers in their house because a) they attend the same school and b) there is no second parent involved. Or she raise the child as a single parent, alongside the two children she already struggles with. Blithely telling OP it will all work out as long as the children are loved is irresponsible.

Near on miraculous I'd say, to get pregnant on one occasion while taking the pill. Especially as the very one time a condom wasn't used happened in the fertility window. That the pregnancy is welcome, without any, "Oh what a fool I've been".

Blithely telling OP it will all work out as long as the children are loved is irresponsible.

Nope. They're opinions too.

You can only see one situation. We get it.

To be on the pill, I guess OP was sexually active before him.

This exact precise situation didn't happen, no. But I'm guessing it didn't happen to you either so, once again, you have zero experience how it will pan out.

Where does it say she struggles with her kids?

To be fair their are 44 posts by you to sift through.

True.

And if you are going to be analysing a situation and giving advice make sure you have your FACTS right.

If you read my post properly I didn’t state any incorrect facts