Bit of a situation with widowed dad from school… need advice

[Donaldfo]

Hi all,
Bit of a long one and honestly not sure what I’m after really.

So I’ve been seeing this widowed dad from my youngest’s school. Started off just chatting at pick up, then a coffee, then it sort of turned into a thing. He lost his wife a couple years back, proper lovely guy, really good dad to his two boys. We’ve been seeing each other a couple months, nothing serious serious, but nice.

Anyway, here’s the thing – I’ve just found out I’m pregnant.

I was on the pill and we were using condoms (bar one time – classic) so it’s a bit of a shock. I’ve taken two tests and both positive.

Haven’t told him yet. Was going to say something this weekend when we’ve got a bit of time together. I’m not expecting him to throw confetti or anything but I don’t think he’ll freak out either.

I’ve got two kids already (from a previous ex – all calm there), and wasn’t planning on another. But I don’t feel panicked like I thought I would? Probably cos I actually like him and I don’t feel like I’m on my own with it, even though I’ve not told him yet.

Just wondering what others would do in this situation. Do I go in with all the options laid out or just say it and see what he says?

I know people might have views about the widowed dad thing but we’ve both been adults about it, no drama. Just not what I expected to be dealing with today.

Any thoughts appreciated x

I'm sorry your in this situation. In all honesty I would terminate, up to you if you tell him.

It really doesn’t matter how long you’ve known each other for, you’ve only been in a relationship for a matter of weeks.

It could be a good idea to contact a specialist counselling service for you to talk through your feelings about the situation. I don’t know where to direct you, but others might.

It’s been two years- how long should they wait?

Personally, I'd terminate. The fact you were using two methods of contraception (apart from this once!) speaks volumes.

100% i'd terminate. Neither he or nor his children are in the right place for another baby.

The relationship the way to new for this.

I think if I’m being totally honest with myself… I do feel like I want to keep the baby. I don’t know how that would actually look, and I know it wouldn’t be easy, but something about it just feels right deep down. That said, I know I’d have to tell him. Even if I decided to terminate, I don’t think I could keep that from him. It would eat away at me. I don’t think you can build any sort of proper relationship on something like that.

His wife passed away 3 and a half years ago. At the start, he said he wasn’t looking for anything serious which was completely fair. But it’s grown naturally. We sleep together, yes, but we’ve also been on dates and had proper conversations. A couple of weeks ago he asked if we could be mutually exclusive and I said yes. So I’m not imagining a connection that’s not there. It’s not just been a fling, it’s felt like something building even if it’s still early days.

In terms of the kids, both our youngests are 7 and in the same class. My eldest is 9 and autistic which is another big part of my thinking. He’s lovely and bright and funny but obviously needs more understanding and patience at times. My boyfriend knows about the autism, I’ve mentioned it, and they’ve met briefly when he’s picked his son up from mine. He was sweet with him, asked about his Pokémon cards and had a bit of a chat, but that’s been the extent of it so far. I’d definitely need to see more before anything was properly blended. His older son is 10.

Just on the contraception bit, you're not alone. DD was conceived despite both condoms and the implant when me and DP had only been going out two months.

Sometimes these things happen despite our very best efforts.

If you do keep your baby you don’t have to rush into ‘blending’ your families…. You could take it slowly so everyone has the time they need to acclimatise. If you feel like you want to keep your baby, don’t let anyone else sway you.

Sorry to detail the thread - but OP did you say you used the pill AND condoms and still got pregnant?? How is that possible?! Genuinely shocked.

I've always used condoms as can't use the pill - conceived incredibly quickly each time ttc - and never got pregnant with a condom. I just can't wrap my head around how you get pregnant when you're doubling up on contraception

8 weeks isn’t long enough to know someone as a potential dad to your child

You’ve only been exclusive for 2 weeks

the timing is awful, and I really feel for you but his kids would I think really suffer if you had this baby.

When my DS was little this happened with 2 of his school friends.
The Dad had become widowed just before the kids started school and he'd become friends with a single lady in his daughter's class.
Their baby is 20 and they are still together, all now 6 kids are happy.
It can work if you all are respectful, kind and give it time to work.

I'd terminate and not tell him.

That's such a major mess with such intense and lasting ramifications for everyone involved. I would not be fucking up lives.

I disagree with the posters saying to terminate and not tell him. Surely in a good relationship there should be honesty.
It's your body and therefore your choice of what to do, but I think he ought to know.
Good luck. You sound sensible and thoughtful. I'm glad you were honest in reflecting in your recent post and admitted that you feel you want to keep it. It's going to be hard for you if you feel you have to terminate.... but do try to look at the bigger picture ie these kids involved - especially his as they've lost their mummy - the worst thing we can imagine our kids having to suffer, isn't it :-( x

Wow, there is some awful advice on this thread. You should tell him, you shouldn't have to go through any of this alone, whatever you decide. He is part of this so should know. Ultimately you will be responsible for the final decision but I just cannot understand how it is ok not to tell him. You have said hes a nice guy, if he was abusive etc then a different story of course.

For me, it’s not about she ‘shouldn’t have to go through any of this alone’ it’s that I’d rather make my own decision. A decision that’s the best thing for me because I know from life experience that it’s the woman’s life that is going to be impacted the most by having a child.

Just talk to him. And see where the conversation takes you. He is widowed but it’s been 3.5 years not 6 months and you’ve known him a good few months. Just tell him and see what happens x

I think you need to take the lead on the conversation and not him. I know the practical types on Mumsnet like to talk about abortion as just a medical procedure, but many don't view it as such. For example whilst I accept a woman's right to choose, personally I know it is something I could never do myself.

You don't want to let him take the lead on the conversation and give him the impression that he has a free rein on suggestions here and is an equal part of the decision making process if you aren't prepared to explore certain options.

If you do want to keep it for example, you need to set that out from the get go, rather than allowing him to think that's an option. Equally if you decide there is no way you are carrying this baby, then you don't want him to think it is an option.

Decide what you want, or at least what options you are prepared to consider before you start the conversation.

Best of luck

I would tell him as soon as possible.
It sounds like despite the short relationship you have known him for a couple of years through your children’s friendship. It also sounds like his children were quite little when they lost their mum so I’m inclined to think it might not be the huge deal people are making out on here. It’s definitely a bit complicated, and might not be easy, but this isn’t a person you have literally known for 2 months, it’s somebody you have got to know over a long period of time when you include the children starting school together.

The fact you feel like you might want to keep it should be really explored. It might be a bigger regret to terminate when you actually feel positive about it. A lot of people have blended, messy families. I don’t feel like this is necessarily one of those situations. Talk to him and see how he feels about it. He might feel the same as you.

Of course it's possible. Unlikely yes but possible.

Why wouldn’t you tell him and te options you are thinking about? This sort of dilemma requires total honesty. You are not saying he has to pick an option right now - you are just telling him whats in your head at the moment. The conversation will then lead on from there but will probably take a bit of time to get your heads around it either way.

When things are a mess just be honest.

The decision will still be hers in the end of course, but I just believe he should know.

https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2014/09/14/sunday-review/unplanned-pregnancies.html

This should be shared far and wide ... Although then I think many people would never have sex again

what do you want? I think be clear in your own mind first. If you don't want it (however calm you feel), then get the abortion pill and do it on the quiet.

If you do want another child, then talk to him - who knows, he may be ecstatic. He may react with horror (and even if he does, he may then decide flipping fantastic).

And as for all the messiness, well maybe it will be, but then maybe it won't. How you both involve the respective kids and handle their personalities will be key. Maybe a couple will love it where the other two are consumed with jealousy, sadness etc etc. Maybe it'll just be massively fantastic and lovely having this huge blended family with the baby bringing them altogether.