Bit of a situation with widowed dad from school… need advice

[Donaldfo]

Hi all,
Bit of a long one and honestly not sure what I’m after really.

So I’ve been seeing this widowed dad from my youngest’s school. Started off just chatting at pick up, then a coffee, then it sort of turned into a thing. He lost his wife a couple years back, proper lovely guy, really good dad to his two boys. We’ve been seeing each other a couple months, nothing serious serious, but nice.

Anyway, here’s the thing – I’ve just found out I’m pregnant.

I was on the pill and we were using condoms (bar one time – classic) so it’s a bit of a shock. I’ve taken two tests and both positive.

Haven’t told him yet. Was going to say something this weekend when we’ve got a bit of time together. I’m not expecting him to throw confetti or anything but I don’t think he’ll freak out either.

I’ve got two kids already (from a previous ex – all calm there), and wasn’t planning on another. But I don’t feel panicked like I thought I would? Probably cos I actually like him and I don’t feel like I’m on my own with it, even though I’ve not told him yet.

Just wondering what others would do in this situation. Do I go in with all the options laid out or just say it and see what he says?

I know people might have views about the widowed dad thing but we’ve both been adults about it, no drama. Just not what I expected to be dealing with today.

Any thoughts appreciated x

I could be wrong, but I think you've got a bit lost in the first flush of romance with all of this. You aren't seeing it for the mess that it actually is. You've fallen for this guy, you always fancied having a third baby and hey presto! here you are. I should think very carefully about the children involved (especially as one of yours is autistic) and your own future.

Came here to ask this too... All sounds a bit unlikely.

Oh gosh OP, this really is a tricky one. If there were no DC involved then I'd say tell him, see what happens, and see how you go.

But the reality is that within the next 9 months you're going to have to tell the DC, probably move in together and then all the DC will have to get used to not only living with each other (his DC will have to live with you permanently with no time in another home/break from the situation I assume) and then they'll have a new sibling. At the moment, everybody is settled in their own houses thinking their Mum & Dad are single, this probably hasn't crossed their minds in a million years.

I can understand that you might want the baby, but this really is, well, a lot, for the DC.

My decision based on what you have said would be to terminate and say nothing to anyone at all.
You have been using contraception because you did not want to get pregnant. You both have responsibilities to existing children. They must come first.
Obviously he is involved, but I think you should take the responsibility. Later if you get together you will all be enormously busy in the adjustment which will never quite end. You might decide later to increase your family, fine.

This.

I wouldn't even think of blending families for another 3+ years.

There are 6 or 7 people's lives that could be really messed up here. If you keep the baby, take things slowly. Very slowly.

Because that wouldn't damage him or his children at all, would it, not to mention her own children.

Yes.

Do you really want to turn the lives of four children upside down for the sake of this as yet unborn baby?

You'd be bringing a grieving and confused family into your own, permanently.

All the children involved will be affected. Not good. 🤷‍♀️

If the children don't even know you're dating, I think it would be very damaging to them all to have a new baby to cope with right now. I would be honest with the guy - he sounds really great and I'd want to stay with him and have an honest relationship.

I'm another who doesn't understand how you have irregular periods when you're on the pill.

Keep the baby, he sounds lovely and the kids seem to get on, but have the conversation with his, you will know then what his response is and whether it’s a goer or not.
I got pregnant with twins after having two children with my DH and he did find it hard at first but they are just lovely and have made our lives great. Good luck!

Another one who's always wanted another baby, and is priorising their selfish want, over 4 existing children, with a man they don't know, and a potential clusterfuck of a situation.

I think you need an open and honest conversation with your boyfriend. He had a part in creating the baby, and therefore he's responsible too. If you are planning on keeping the baby, then you do need to make that fact very clear from the start. If you're not sure, then you need to discuss either keeping the baby or terminating, with him. Honestly, no matter how 'nice', he may be, this news is going to be a bomb going off in his life, and he may not react well. Be absolutely prepared to be a single Mum to 3 children. As for blending families, they are difficult at the best of times, and this situation is about as messy as you can get. You do need to think of your own children too, they are suddenly going to be told not only that you're in a relationship but there's a baby on the way too. It's a huge change for them, and especially for your child that is Autistic.

How would the dad have access to his child with the travel? Even if access was only eow not 50/50 the child would have to travel between 2 homes all their life. There would be no clean break between the families as they would need to co parent even if not together anymore.

You need time to develop this relationship without the pressure of a pregnancy.he does not know your children well nor you his.

terminate quietly and let the relationship develop at a nice slow speed. If it’s meant to be you will have another chance to add to your family at a time when all children have had a time to adjust.

it may seem wrong to not tell him but by telling him you are adding an extreme pressure on a very new relationship.

think of the children first and foremost.

It's a tough one. My first thought would be to think about my own children. Your eldest has autism and has already dealt with one family split. Is more upheaval in his life in his best interests? If you do go ahead you could potentially be a single mum to another child. How would that work for you financially? What is your support system like? Could you afford a set of maternity leave and more childcare? Would it be fair to your other child?

I'd tell him but I'd have an abortion in this circumstance and look at your contraception going forward.

It is too soon. It doesn't matter how long you've been friends, he has ONLY just asked you to be exclusive. It's going to do his head in.

You've not even told your existing kids that your'e dating, so you've not navigated a blended family before adding to it.

The fact you want a 3rd child is kind of selfish and putting the needs of everyone else behind yours.

You should speak to him soon and let him know about it. He has a right to know.

It seems excessively soon to add a baby to a fledgling relationship which has four children already - you’ve only had the exclusivity chat two weeks ago!!
This could scare him off completely or push him to step up to the plate, perhaps reluctantly.
Whatever happens none of it sounds easy. Good luck.

Congratulations 🩷💙

This
All ofcthis 👌

Haven’t read all the replies but quickly jumping back on to clarify re my periods – I’m on the pill but they’ve always been a bit all over the place. Not irregular as such but I don’t track them properly anymore because they’re never the same. Sometimes I’ll get spotting for a few days then nothing, then a full blown period out of nowhere. So it’s hard to pin down exact dates, which is why I’m not totally sure when this happened.

It sounds like none of the extended family know he is seeing you or have been introduced to you as his girlfriend yet. I would think his parents, in-laws and wider family will be focused on supporting him and his children. I would anticipate there would be some shocked and unhappy reactions from his parents and the children’s maternal grandparents to news of a pregnancy. Clearly it’s ultimately your choice, but if you would like this relationship to last, I think this would be a really difficult start.

Is he in a financially more secure position than you?

OP, I think it's time to be completely honest, have a candid discussion, and focus on achieving the best results for everyone involved.

OP, only you and he truly know what's best for each other. The people here are just noise, pressuring you to do what they want without considering your and his wishes.

OP and the man should take some time to sit down together and have a calm discussion about the important issues, openly sharing their thoughts and feelings.

OP, please don't take action while being pressured by people on the internet, for God's sake!

It seems like far too many people are pressuring OP to consider termination and being overly judgmental about the situation without considering the genuine feelings and thoughts of those involved. This really needs to stop.

Gosh some really harsh responses here. I don’t think it’s selfish to want to have this baby. (I am very pro-choice and think safe termination is marvellous and we should all have the option of wanted or needed)
But I don’t think that any of your children will have their lives ruined by this, if you consider it a potential long term relationship with this man, which is a conversation that you and he need to have honestly, and if you ensure that the children have sufficient emotional and practical support eg therapy / counselling.

Maybe you need to calm down, @ThisTicklishFatball? I suspect the OP is aware that she’s asking for opinions on a public forum …

You’ve been together 2 months. It’s far too much so soon and will undoubtedly affect the children to your detriment to continue with the pregnancy as upsetting as that may sound. Of course it’s your decision and whether you tell him to discuss it together or quietly terminate. You barely know each other let alone your children being settled and comfortable with their new circumstances. Then I suggest you tighten up the old contraception methods.