Was I mean to dd?

[idontknowhowto]

10 and 11 year year old DS and DD have started arguing over who gets to sit in the front seat of the car. Dd in particular has been difficult about it despite getting to most of the time, she thinks it’s her right as she’s older and is moody if she doesn’t get to and gloats if she does.

Today she got up early and rushed through breakfast and getting ready to run out and sit in the front seat in my car on the drive over half an hour before we had to leave.

Once other kids were ready and we were leaving I went out and got in DHs car which meant by the time she realised DS was able to get in the front seat. She sulked it wasn’t fair and said that I hate her and refused to say bye when she went to school.

DH (who wasn’t there) thinks I was mean.
Was I unreasonable?

I just asked my youngest and he said he’d never even thought about it and was just fine with the eldest sitting in the front, as the kids say it’s not that deep! That said it clearly means something to your two so you need a rota, are they very competitive with each other in general?

Some of these quotes are depressing. Imagine wanting to ‘beat’ your daughter ‘at her own game’ instead of parenting her properly and helping her with appropriate behaviours and responses. No wonder some kids are fucked

You've made this into a whole thing, that could have been very easily nipped in the bud on day one.
DD has the front on Monday and Wednesday, DS on Tuesday and Thursday and they either alternate for the Friday, or toss a coin.

Yes dear.

Oh yeah, that’s the reason! For sure!

Do a rota by months not daily. July is one kid then August the next and then so on

I have 4 children and the rule always is eldest in the front. Never any arguments.

I have 3 and my middle child would have (rightly) never accepted that rule. My kids rotated bedrooms every 2 years (unequal size) because I think that eldest gets biggest is unfair.

They’d both be in the back if they can’t take turns. And serves her right really.

How about "rock, paper scissors" to make it a quick fun game?

As a child, my family did this a LOT and it removed drama

I think you were unkind to take DH's car deliberately. That seems spiteful

I would suggest they take turns when both are in the car. If only one is in the car, that is outside of the turn-taking.

Gloating means you loose a turn

Hahahahahahaha, that’s hilarious @idontknowhowto. I proper sniggered.

I did apologise and give her a cuddle as she came out of school and just got in the back even though Ds wasn’t there. I should have gone out when she first got in the car and told her that wasn’t going to work, I was mean to let wait and then embarrass her.

we do need to set up a proper rota system so they both get there turn and there’s no room for arguing but also the moodiness and gloating needs correcting as this does happen in other circumstances. I like the idea of a spinner or rock paper scissors because then we don’t get issues when DSD needs a lift or the other at activities on the others day in the front but I don’t want to make it into more of a prize than it already is.

Problem with the loosing the turn for gloating is I don’t always see it and they would both be willing to tell fake tales and say he/she stuck there tongue out at me in the mirror just to get the other one in trouble and lose their turn.

Kids are more likely to be so when they get into the real world because they've never heard the word no and get apologised to when they've displayed entitled behaviour.

You do need a rota. We used to have one for who got the favourite spot on the sofa! And stuck to it rigidly. My children are 24 and 21 now and still talk about it sometimes. For other situations the power of 'dibs' won. Still does, although it's more usually 'dibs not' (re washing up / feeding the cat / putting the rubbish out, etc.) I even say it myself.
And yes, you did the right thing in apologising.

This makes me think there is a bit more to it. What is their relationship like otherwise - are they often competitive and unpleasant to each other about other things or do they usually get on OK? Siblings do try and get each other in trouble if they've had a row or fallen out over something but that being the default behaviour is a bit more concerning. Especially as it's lying to you as well. Do they do this when your DH takes them places? Because if not it's also possibly about their relationship with you and him and how you both react/discipline.

It sounds like they really don't like each other, more than is normal for 2 kids so close in age. Can you think why and what's at the root of it? It's coming out in this way but there might be something else going on between them that you aren't aware of or hasn't occurred to you. I'd suggest you and DH have a chat with each of them (separately) and try to get to the bottom of it.

If necessary, could you ask for some professional advice - maybe via the school or privately. Sibling rivalry can be really toxic and last into adulthood so I'd be worried this isn't just a normal phase kids go through.

They are both very competitive and there is definitely too much rivalry and desire to beat or get one up on each other which we need to work on.

But they also help each other a lot, are the loudest at cheering each other on at their different sports and do enjoy spending time together so it’s not as if they hate each other completely.

There are always times when the eldest is not there, or the 2nd eldest is not there so the younger ones get their chance to sit in front. And eventually, they’ll have their turn when the older kids don’t travel in my car so much. Nobody seems to mind, it’s just the way it is.

I always had the box room as a kid as I was the youngest. Funnily, nothing has changed as an adult as the kids share the double rooms! Their rooms are decorated for them, I can’t imagine changing it all every 2 years.

They look cuter on the bonnet! Passenger side obviously!