Was I mean to dd?

[idontknowhowto]

10 and 11 year year old DS and DD have started arguing over who gets to sit in the front seat of the car. Dd in particular has been difficult about it despite getting to most of the time, she thinks it’s her right as she’s older and is moody if she doesn’t get to and gloats if she does.

Today she got up early and rushed through breakfast and getting ready to run out and sit in the front seat in my car on the drive over half an hour before we had to leave.

Once other kids were ready and we were leaving I went out and got in DHs car which meant by the time she realised DS was able to get in the front seat. She sulked it wasn’t fair and said that I hate her and refused to say bye when she went to school.

DH (who wasn’t there) thinks I was mean.
Was I unreasonable?

I would apologise because it is good to model that sort of stuff but I’d explain that you’re not going to get to a point where everyone is getting up at 4am just to sit in the car and it’s just going to be a strict rota now. I’d ask why she cares so much about it and if she says the age thing, perhaps point to things that she is able to do because she’s older? It sounds like it’s a bit of a sore point for her at moment - perhaps she’s trying to stress how ‘old’ she is and keeps getting put back in her place!

I remember my brother doing similar re going to the cinema - he would want to see something he could go to but I couldn’t (a 12). He’s a lovely big brother but he just needed to assert his new status as an almost teen, I guess! If possible, I’d chat through this whilst spending some 1:1 time with her so she’s more able to open up and feel like you’re really listening. You could also ask her if she’d prefer a weekly or daily rota so she feels like she’s slightly more involved.

They take turns at my house. Being the eldest means nothing.

Then she, an adult, should have used words and told her daughter. Actually, she should have done that long ago. Her actions were childish and petty.

Why should she use words? The point was firmly made in an amusing way!

It really is hilarious!! I particularly love the initiative of dd in getting up extra early and waiting for all that time. It was mean of mum to d what she did but so funny.

the rota will bring sanity but it won’t be half as much fun (for us anyway).

I think it was mean, and I would not have done this. It’s hurtful and kinda humiliating for her. I would apologise and acknowledge you were being childish/petty.

so you can’t get your whole family in one car? That’s pretty depressing on its own. Sell both cars and get a 7 seater. Or are there more kids lurking?

who said infant? She said they were younger children, a lot of car seats after the infant stage go through all the stages (approx age 2-12) now by converting with the child as it grows, that is the type we have 2 of, they aren't even that expensive.

We only had one infant we would swap, but after that we bought 2 to save the mega hassle of swapping them over when required.

I know a lot of other 2 car families who have done the same through the years, and also people with grandchildren have their own seats.

@idontknowhowto just need to teach her that want doesnt always get!! our grandchildren take turns sitting in the front with no arguing.

If they both can’t fit in the back. Strict turns.

That was petty of you.

Growing up it was the eldest child as they were the tallest, as simple as that. You have probably 2 ish weeks before school ends so ride it out and revise your plan for September.

Cannot believe all the ‘oh it’s quite simple, I just prioritise the eldest all of the time!’ posters.

My parents had a bit of that attitude. Guess what, eldest is entitled for zero reason, less able to stand on her own two feet (bewildered that she’d have to), 100% genuinely believes that she should have first dibs on everything and is more important than me at FIFTY. We barely speak these days.

Mum is confused and sad that I fucked off out of the country for more than 20 years and that I am still very wary of her/my/sisters relationship. I pulled her up on something where she was ‘oh let’s talk about what your SISTER is doing’ the other day, she actually shockingly reflected on it and apologised! She would be devastated to know we are thinking of moving away again, but as a younger child who is an adult, you reflect on a childhood where you were routinely given less status and less privileges and make your life decisions accordingly!

Think about your younger children’s wants and needs occasionally!

You knew exactly what you were doing and deliberately messed with her head. Yes apologise imo

" DD your silliness over the front seat , and in particular you gloating when you get it, annoyed me so much that I deliberately took Dad's car today. I perhaps should have spoken to you about it first but there simply wasn't time.
From now on it will be a strict take turns rota, and the first time one of you gloats about where you are sitting means that you forfeit the following week. "

No way would I be apologising.

OK. Thanks for explaining. As I said, mine are older. I have little knowledge of current car seats.

Was it petty? Yes
Did it cause any harm? No
Was it funny - hell yes!
I wouldn’t apologise, a small win to counter all the mindless bickering. 😊

I did a rota @idontknowhowto but did it a week at time so I didn't have to remember who was there on the last journey! Then if you need to give the seat to the teen DSD they only have to miss one journey out of a week.

Front seat really important for some kids at that age. It was for mine but they've mostly outgrown that at 13 and 15 now.

No, I wouldn’t apologise. You beat her at her own game.

I think you played a great game.
Did she have a tantrum?

Boot

Yes, petty and childish and mean. I can see why she’d sulk over that, you made her look stupid.

Decide the rules for front seat and stick to it. In our house it was the oldest who got it. You might prefer to take turns. Be the adult and sort it out, it isn’t difficult.

My twins do a journey each, one gets the front on the morning school run and one gets the front in the afternoon. Whoever sits in front gets to pick the music!

Make them both sit in the back and belt up - much safer. I don't like DC in the front of a car.

They take turns and if they can’t do that sensibly they both sit in the back.

If two adults are in the car the kids sit in the back.

This is what I do with my DDs (14 and 10)

OP has specifically said there’s only room for one child in the back.