Was I mean to dd?

[idontknowhowto]

10 and 11 year year old DS and DD have started arguing over who gets to sit in the front seat of the car. Dd in particular has been difficult about it despite getting to most of the time, she thinks it’s her right as she’s older and is moody if she doesn’t get to and gloats if she does.

Today she got up early and rushed through breakfast and getting ready to run out and sit in the front seat in my car on the drive over half an hour before we had to leave.

Once other kids were ready and we were leaving I went out and got in DHs car which meant by the time she realised DS was able to get in the front seat. She sulked it wasn’t fair and said that I hate her and refused to say bye when she went to school.

DH (who wasn’t there) thinks I was mean.
Was I unreasonable?

I wouldn’t apologise, she was being ridiculous. And being so stroppy all the time about sitting in the front needs nipping in the bud. Mine argue too about the front. I just say whoever is in the front on the way there goes in the back on the way back and this works fine.

I haven’t read the full thread.

I think the only answer to this morning is “sometimes, that’s the way the cookie crumbles”.

She’s working her way to the horrible years. You need to have your head in gear to keep on top of her manners so no harm in starting now.

Yes you were wrong. You knew well the effort she had gone to to get the front seat, getting ready quickly etc and it looks a bit spiteful to have changed cars last minute without honouring her 'win'. Agree with others though, you need to stop this and either have a rota or no one sits in the front.

What time was she wasting? What was she supposed to be achieving in the morning? Presumably all children had to get up, eat, wash and dressed and in the car. She did all that, the time she wasted was waiting while the others did the same stuff more slowly, surely that's her time? I guess she was reading or whatever.
The gloating is a big issue and I can see why you wanted to stop that OP, but the faff I have getting two out of the door I wouldn't mind using the incentive frankly!

ETA I do not understand the idea of privileges for older children, it's clearly wildly unfair as it's not as though the other children have any opportunity to be oldest! My parents used this system for everything and it never made any sense (bitter second child here :p)

I have 7 children, eldest is now 27, youngest is 6. 4 left at home now. There has never been a ‘definitive oldest’ for my car seat rules, as by the time the younger two were born the eldest two had left for uni. Yes my oldest was the oldest until she left for Uni, but from the age of 13 or 14 she wouldn’t be out with us every time we went out in the car, so DS would’ve then been the oldest in the car and gone in the front. And at one point I had a 9 seater so then two could sit in the front anyway! my youngest 3 would struggle to remember the oldest 3 ever even living at home with them, especially as like I say two had left before 6th and 7th were born so they have never felt that the ‘eldest’ got special treatment.
Also, it’s safest for children to be in the back as the front airbags etc aren’t designed for the bodies, so it makes sense for the eldest to sit on the front if the front seat has to be used.

I’m an only child and ‘one and done’ so I didn’t really think about it like that however my experience working with children, especially as a nanny, is that eldest (and older) children benefit from having special privileges and responsibilities like getting the front seat or staying up later. It reduces the resentment that can be caused by younger siblings generally needing more attention from caregivers and daily life needing to be more catered to them and makes them feel grown up. This isn’t so relevant here because there’s only a year between them but just my experience working within larger families.

I wouldn’t say it’s playing favourites either, here we all have a ‘spot’ be it on the sofa, in the car, at the dining table or wherever and that would remain even if we did expand the family, meaning the newest member would have to choose from the remaining options. I learned about having a spot while working for a family with 7(!) kids that had a minibus and a kitchen table bigger than my kitchen. Taking turns is great while playing but less ideal every school morning, it becomes a point of drama, like it has, rather than a normal part of the day. If she had always been in the front and her DS had always sat in the back, or the other way around, this wouldn’t be an issue.

Thinking about it again I would probably say the same but accessorise the seats for them, cup holders, fun mats, seat storage with their things in etc. so they each have a personalised space in the car just for them. They’d be less likely to want to swap around.

Mean? No way. This is immature and petty behaviour from her. It really doesn't matter who sits where unless one gets car sick in which case they need to go in the front.
Week on week off sounds best here.

This sounds like a whole lot deeper than who got to sit in the front of the car to be fair.

I was the youngest and had to sit in the back. My kids are the same.

Now my brother is the golden child but for far more reasons than he got the front seat.

There are definitely meaner things!

If my two start fighting over something, it becomes mine until I decide otherwise 😈A front car seat ptobably can't be put on a high shelf that children can't reach, but it can go off-limits. Now we have this system, I often only have to casually say "Oh dear, are you boys fighting over Batman"? And they magically find that they have no desire to kick each other, and are in fact able to share nicely.

I hope the lad gloated like hell 😂😂

Nope u don't apologise. Everytime she sulks or gloats she gets a week sitting in the back of the car

I have a 17 & 14 year old , both girls & oh my GOD the Front seat 🙈 !
We do the turns thing , works until I forget whose turn it is 🙈, both insisting it’s theirs !
Out the front some mornings , & the neighbours definitely think there is something radically wrong with us , over fucking front seat of a car !!!! 😂

I think you did that to teach dd a lesson when she was being a bit territorial. Maybe tell her to take turns with her brother. Not able to decide if you were being unreasonable.

I tell mine I don’t personally give a shit whose turn it is so they need to sort it out between themselves, otherwise they’re both in the back. Or walking.

I agree both in the back or have a rota.
I know school runs can be maddening and I do sympathise but..

You humiliated her in front her younger sibling and you both were probably very amused. To her, you were taking sides. That's what she will remember, not whatever lesson you were trying to teach her. (Make sure you are sitting in the right car? - its more like, you are not as clever as you think you are)

She tried her best to be ready on time first in the queue - that's actually a good thing in school runs. Interesting to know if she keeps up that effort.

I don’t think it is that much deeper tbh, both kids really REALLY want something, it matters to them. But these parents - to make their own lives easier or out of thoughtlessness - give it to one of their children all the time. OP has said the older DD gloats over it.

Parents who do this send a clear message that the older child’s wants are more important to them than the younger’s. That is likely to be remembered.

The safety rule is bullshit unless there is an age limit where youre happy for them to go in the front at all (Mine is 11, before that, back seat, after that, take turns).

See also: the largest room automatically given to the eldest regardless of circumstances. This didn’t happen to me but my sister does it to her kids, I raised it once when she was moving house and she was shook. It had literally never, ever occurred to her to do anything other than give biggest room to eldest and foist little one into box room. Just ‘because’. Lazy thoughtless parenting.

Hahahaha, I’d have done the same @idontknowhowto! Especially because she gloats when she sits in the front and she thought she was getting one over on her brother.
A pp suggestion of even days one sits in the front/odd days the other one does. You always know where you are then.

I don't think you were mean and I'm very soft-hearted. There are some bizarre replies.

Your DD is being very mean wanting the front seat and only got up early for selfish reasons. It seems very odd that people are saying "Oh she made such an effort to get up and be ready on time" as if she was doing it to be good and kind. She made all that effort just so that she could have her own way.

You need to patent t them, whomwver goes in the front, changes to the back seat on the return / next journey.

The epitome of cutting off your nose to spite your face, a phrase I associate with kids.

Yes of course you were mean.

Parent and use your words. If you don't want her sitting in the front seat, tell her it's not her turn. But don't be spiteful to your own child.

Front seat of my car is always for the eldest and if she’s not there the next one down, my DS gets it when neither of them are there 😂

Thinking back on it they never once squabbled over the front seat either.

5 kids so you need a 7 seater people carrier

or do you always take 2 cars if out at weekend as a family

Both at the back or turns. End of.
You took a side your son's side.....

Just do odd days and even days so you don’t have arguments about who went in the front last time. So if it’s the 10th it’s whoever was the even day person.
It worked for me.