Was I mean to dd?

[idontknowhowto]

10 and 11 year year old DS and DD have started arguing over who gets to sit in the front seat of the car. Dd in particular has been difficult about it despite getting to most of the time, she thinks it’s her right as she’s older and is moody if she doesn’t get to and gloats if she does.

Today she got up early and rushed through breakfast and getting ready to run out and sit in the front seat in my car on the drive over half an hour before we had to leave.

Once other kids were ready and we were leaving I went out and got in DHs car which meant by the time she realised DS was able to get in the front seat. She sulked it wasn’t fair and said that I hate her and refused to say bye when she went to school.

DH (who wasn’t there) thinks I was mean.
Was I unreasonable?

Why can't they take turns? If you are only taking one out or the other (not both together), that doesn't count as 'their turn', just take it in turns every time you have both together, it is the only fair way to be honest, you've caused this by letting them compete for it.

I wouldn't tolerate her gloating about it though and would relegate her to the back until she could learn to be gracious.

It's pretty simple, no rota needed. They take turns. Anyone having a strop loses their turn. Don't punish your son by sitting him in the back all the time, he's not the problem. Let it be known in advance that the turns aren't set in stone - if at any time you need the setup to be different it will be.

I'd tell them that they'll be taking turns and if she continues to sulk and complain when it's her turn in back seat you'll make a permanent thing that she sits in the back seat cause she's displaying that she's not mature enough for the front seat.

Do both cars have car seats for the younger 2 or do you need to switch them between cars? I'm wondering if your DD noticed which car the child seats were in.

I’d have probably stuck to age basis like you did with dsd so your dd in front as presumably next year she will get bus and ds will have a year of front seat but given this is the situation I’d say-

dd gets mornings
ds gets after school

it was a little mean but no harm done

Eldest gets the front seat.

If taking turns is difficult (I wouldn't remember whose turn it was), then do odd days and even days. Oldest gets odds as a concession to being the oldest. Moaning means you skip your turn.

I do think it was mean to switch cars purposefully.

Reasonable to me..and hilarious.

Mine are 16 and 26. Older one isn't often at home, but dear God...the scrap when he is and they race for the front! I just stand there with the keys waiting for them to either stop killing each other or come to an agreement.

nb it's all quite light hearted before people admonish the immaturity of my 26 yo. You know how we all revert back to the sibling rivalries as soon as we go back to the family home?? It's that.

I’m sure she would absolutely love that and if she was an only child I’d recommend it but OP wouldn’t like it because then she’d get the other children saying it’s unfair and have bigger issues than she does now.

most people have duplicate car seats I would imagine, we do, I can't imagine having to swap car seats every time one parent wanted to take 5 kids out!

Make her walk? The back seat might not seem like such a bad option.

This.

Op is so involved in the drama that she did not even think of this simple solution!!

My kids are older, but (when we had two cars) we def did not have car seats for both. The infant ones are very expensive.
We did have more than one high backed booster though.
We tended to use the car with car seats to take the kids out rather than swap the seats though.

I'm curious now...do most people these days have duplicate infant car seats?

The more I read this thread I am thinking how hilarious this all sounds.
11 year old girl so determined she sits in the car half an hour before she needs to....mum uses the other car 😂😂
@idontknowhowto I actually think you should be proud of your Top Trump move!
After school say you are sorry and give her a hug.
Then draw up a rota.
Hopefully in years to come - when she possibly has her own car - you will both look back at this and laugh.

I have 4 who all want to be in the front. One has to be in the front because of space. Turns are a nightmare because sometimes they aren't all in the car and some journeys are longer than others.

We do wheel of names. Random chance generator and they will always abide by that!

That's what I made my two do when they started arguing - first to call shotgun but the car has to be in sight (to stop them calling shotgun 2 hours in advance)

If does sound a bit mean if it was an isolated incident but in this context it was OK to play her. I can imagine DSs glee when he saw the opportunity!! DD is acting entitled so you are right to manage her. She is only one year older so the age thing is of little relevance, plus I think that is unfair anyhow as the oldest will always be older. My twins argue about their 2 min difference but I take no heed. When we do family stuff one has to sit in the middle of the back seat with no leg room and we do one way each, or if stopping for a break we do half the journey each. It's genuinely cramped for them. It's always agreed in advance though as there would be a massive row otherwise.

My neighbour has 4 kids and drives them to school, my first question was how do you manage the front seat privilege. They are teens so the back is extremely squashed. They have a weekly rotation so no confusion about who had it yesterday, what if one was sick etc.

Jeez, did you flick vees at her as you walked past too?! 🖕🏻

I wouldn't like the gloating (be nice or be quiet worker for mine) but sibling rivalry happens. You're allegedly the grown up here.

Yes you were mean. Yes it's petty of her but if she's willing to get ready quickly for it then let her have it! And she's a teen, and they can be v petty!

You were petty but I’m guilty of similar with my DD so don’t know what the right answer is here haha

It's the sulking and gloating Id be stamping down on (especially the latter, as it's a very unpleasant trait). If she can't share nicely on a rota, she sits in the back for a specified number of trips. (I also don't think you should apologise - explain to her WHY you did it instead). You are allowed to be annoyed about the stupid arguments.

My sister and I went through a phase of fighting about the front seat. Mum (single parent) once got so fed up she kicked us both out and made us walk home, about 2 miles. It was the '70's - you wouldn’t do it now - I was about 11 and sister 9. But I tell you what, it stopped the squabbling. When my mother threatened something you knew she meant it!

I have two boys 9 and 10. One goes in the front on the way there, one goes in the front on the way back. Been that way since they were out of high back boosters. Sometimes they bicker about journeys, e.g. if we go to one shop and then on to another, or one child gets dropped off at a party etc. but the rule stands - outbound is child A, inbound is child B. If there’s an adult in the car, both in the back. If they have a friend in the car, in the back with your friend. Having rules makes it easier to enforce. They also argue about which shower they use, as we have two. We started by allocating a shower to each child, but it has become clear that the shower in our en-suite is the equivalent to shotgun, so we need a system! I like the odd days / even days suggestion above. Might try that until they cotton on to the days that have 31 days giving an advantage 😂😂

I think I'd have a chat with her. I suppose it's not comfortable being stuck between two car seats in the back.

If she's pulling the "I'm bigger card" point out her brother may well at some point be bigger than her. If she's pulling the I'm older, give her some more chores as she's so old and responsible.

How about suggesting you alternate depending on the calendar week? Does one have and odd number in birthday/month/number of letters and the other not? Then the ones with an odd number gets the odd weeks of the year, the other the even. Set your calendar to show weeks.

If she gloats, or won't accept taking turns, let her walk.

It wasn't petty or childish, it was making the point that she is a child and doesn't get to call the shots, despite calling shotgun! Too many parents let their kids rule them these days. No apology needed for learning a lesson!