Was I mean to dd?

[idontknowhowto]

10 and 11 year year old DS and DD have started arguing over who gets to sit in the front seat of the car. Dd in particular has been difficult about it despite getting to most of the time, she thinks it’s her right as she’s older and is moody if she doesn’t get to and gloats if she does.

Today she got up early and rushed through breakfast and getting ready to run out and sit in the front seat in my car on the drive over half an hour before we had to leave.

Once other kids were ready and we were leaving I went out and got in DHs car which meant by the time she realised DS was able to get in the front seat. She sulked it wasn’t fair and said that I hate her and refused to say bye when she went to school.

DH (who wasn’t there) thinks I was mean.
Was I unreasonable?

What vehicle is it that both can’t get in the back?

But yes you were petty.

Okay, then, yes, you were petty and childish.

She may be childish and annoying, but she actually is a child.

The gloating thing would make me ensure she never got the front seat until she stopped that. Thereafter, take turns.
But I'm hellish mean.

I think telling her the sulks have gone on to long and the palava today was the results of sulks, and there will be no more huffs, if she doesn't say bye when she leaves the car that is on her just smile and wave them both off.

2 younger children already in the back.

When our girls were at school there was a rota for the front seat ( 3 1/2 years age difference) when DH drove them to secondary school.
This apparently included a radio rota! That was a front seat perk. At the time even the dog had a turn on the radio rota 😂 though not the front seat as she wasn’t keen on Dad’s choices either!
Alternate days is the way to go.

Wow yes thats mean

When I worked in a children's home, who sat where in the car was the biggest argument they'd have...so rota it was!

You’re being horrible to both of them.
Deal with the situation!
Either sort a rota or make them both sit in the back. Stop feeding into this toxic competitiveness.

The person in the front had to help the driver whenmy dc were little. Tended to be by age.

Why has this even got to this stage?

Going forward, tell them they get the front seat turn about. Nothing to do with age, or who gets there first. Just a fair, simple system. Tell them that any arguments, gloating or other unwelcome behaviour will result in both children being in the back seat.

Explain to your daughter that she's not more important because she's older, but also try and find out why this is so important to her. Is she struggling with feeling second best in some way? Is she needing positive attention and validation? There may be something beneath the surface.

Kids should sit in the back unless no room(3 kids car seats)

dont understand why no room in a car for 2 kids

what car do you have ?

what happens if go out as a family. Surely they sit in the back then ? And dh in front

you have caused this. Either they take turns or both in the back

petty. Nah. She was being a pain. Sitting in the car for 30m is madness to claim a seat

What?? Why not? Are they tricycles not cars?

You were mean, clearly favouring your DS.

Step up & sort it out properly.

Can't you put a car seat in the front for a younger one.

Oh my god. All these questions about 'why can't they both fit???', can't people imagine you have other kids? Not to mention that it says it right there in the OP.

Petty and hilarious OP. She'll get over it.

Just literally have then take turns. Any sulking when it's not there turn, means they forfeit the next day.

So ideally every other time they swap...
But if she sulks...

Mon: DD
Tues: DS .... DD sulks so
Weds: DS gets another turn. If she sulks, tough. If she doesn't it's her turn next.
Thurs: DD

Or just put the youngest in the front and leave them in the back.

This has made my eye twitch - I have 4 boys and every trip was an argument and usually between two of them particularly. A rota is definitely your friend.

I would say it's a little mean to not tell her she was in the wrong car, but at the same time she needs to learn she can't sulk or dominate just because she is older.

If you're not going to have a rota, then "first come, first served" seems reasonable, and it means one person less to chivvy to get ready. Sitting and reading in the car does no harm. If you changed car just to catch her out, I think that's rather mean. If not, well, in future she'll be asking which car before she heads out.

In my house whoever asks first is told yes then the other one gets the next turn. Usually one asks ridiculously early, the other whines and I say you are in front seat next. If one person constantly asking first I say "no you were first in front yesterday"

It is so boring, but seems so important to then both 🙄

In this instance you weren't mean to dd, unless you deliberately took the other car so she missed out?

Who cares, why should a petty child get their own way? It's utterly ridiculous. She's so keen on being the oldest with privileges,yet sulks like a 5 year old when she doesn't get her own way?

Where do they sit when older DSC is in the front if there isn't room for both in the back?

I would go with sitting them both in the back for a while as a reset (assuming it is possible and this is where they sit when DSC is also travelling, it's just a bit of a squish), then introduce turn taking once they've understood it's an earned privilege. If for whatever reason a DC can't have their turn because a third person has the seat, they get it the following day/journey. I would be clear that any more bickering/headaches for me would result in that child sitting in the back permanently.

Imagine hating your child so much you ignore the fact the got themselves up and dressed and in the car in good time just to drive another car that you hate driving. Thats shocking. The daughter must be learning petty silly behaviour from her mother.

Just saw your update that was mean. Apology and a rota going forward. Ignore any sulking natural for her to be annoyed and it will soon pass.

I don’t think you were mean. Sitting in the car for 30 minutes is utterly bizarre just to get the front seat. Presume she was on her phone the whole time?

Don't be ridiculous. It's clearly been a loving mother acting out of frustration over a daft thing that both kids have been nipping her ear about for ages. Absolutely no harm done and I find it quite offensive that you've drawn that conclusion, as someone whose mother did quite often do truly hurtful things when I was that age.