Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I mean to dd?

220 replies

idontknowhowto · 04/07/2025 10:11

10 and 11 year year old DS and DD have started arguing over who gets to sit in the front seat of the car. Dd in particular has been difficult about it despite getting to most of the time, she thinks it’s her right as she’s older and is moody if she doesn’t get to and gloats if she does.

Today she got up early and rushed through breakfast and getting ready to run out and sit in the front seat in my car on the drive over half an hour before we had to leave.

Once other kids were ready and we were leaving I went out and got in DHs car which meant by the time she realised DS was able to get in the front seat. She sulked it wasn’t fair and said that I hate her and refused to say bye when she went to school.

DH (who wasn’t there) thinks I was mean.
Was I unreasonable?

OP posts:
KellySeveride · 04/07/2025 10:51

I have 4 DC and two of them are only 18 months apart. It’s quite simple, oldest sits in the front. No one has ever argued or caused drama because it’s been a solid rule since they were little (three boys all big gangly teens now only DD is petite).

The only time this rule changes is if we are in dad’s car. In this case my eldest (DD) has to sit in the back to let one of her gangly little brothers in the front because they don’t actually fit in the back (little sports car). But that is incredibly rare as DD is 20 and very rarely in the car with us.

Longyitudeed · 04/07/2025 10:52

Both would be sitting in the back.
Wouldn't be entertaining bickering over this for a minute.
They both sit in the back until they negotiate a settlement that they are both happy with.

I never tolerated bickering in my earshot.

Cucy · 04/07/2025 10:52

BusWankers · 04/07/2025 10:33

Who cares, why should a petty child get their own way? It's utterly ridiculous. She's so keen on being the oldest with privileges,yet sulks like a 5 year old when she doesn't get her own way?

Show quote history

I hope you don’t have kids because that’s a horrible way to speak about a child.

Yes she’s acting childish but that’s because she’s actually a child.
OP acted more childish than she did.

MN is full of grown women sulking because their DHs didn’t get them a Mother’s Day card or valentines present etc and that’s apparently fine but when a child acts like a child, then suddenly it’s not ok.

PepsiForEva · 04/07/2025 10:52

God. Rota. Why is this an issue at all?

KellySeveride · 04/07/2025 10:52

Oh I lied. There is one other caveat….if I’m picking up an older one when I already have a younger one in the front seat (they go to different schools) then the person already in the front stays in the front.

Coffeeishot · 04/07/2025 10:54

MyDeftDuck · 04/07/2025 10:47

Well, I do beg your pardon owlexpress………I seemingly overlooked the part where the OP mentions other children! I don’t claim to be perfect………….

Show quote history

Well yes this. The op didn't mention other children in the back seat and we shouldn't assume that is just making up scenarios, best to ask.

hevs03 · 04/07/2025 10:55

OP I wouldn't apologise but sit your daughter down and have a chat, explain about fairness and the rota that is going to be drawn up so both your son and daughter get to ride up front equally.

A couple of more years and she will probably actively want to slouch on the back seat of the car with her headphones on.

You will laugh about this one day, and take the mickey when your children are adults and you can remind them of this.

We've all done it, but fairness is the way forward in my opinion.

Cucy · 04/07/2025 10:56

BeliesBelief · 04/07/2025 10:48

Getting ready unnecessarily early and wasting time sitting in the car for half an hour to win a petty sibling battle is not behaviour I would reward.

Show quote history

In what way did she waste time?
What should she have been doing in that time?

How is getting ready early a negative thing?

She got ready, had her breakfast and patiently sat in the car whilst her siblings got ready.

What do you think she should have been doing instead?

Whatever it is, you think it only applies to her and not her siblings because you wouldn’t have expected them to do the same.

AnotherBrickIn · 04/07/2025 10:56

She sounds very annoying, going to those lengths just so she could gloat about the front seat - I’d have done the same as you OP. She needs to learn she won’t get far in life being so petty

ShortAndIntense · 04/07/2025 10:56

My brother and I still do this when we go out in my mums car and we’re 31 and 23 years old 😆

owlexpress · 04/07/2025 10:56

Coffeeishot · 04/07/2025 10:54

Well yes this. The op didn't mention other children in the back seat and we shouldn't assume that is just making up scenarios, best to ask.

Show quote history

From OP - "Once other kids were ready and we were leaving"

Perfect28 · 04/07/2025 10:57

Both in the back, problem solved?

Username999999 · 04/07/2025 10:57

marmitencrumpets · 04/07/2025 10:43

Honestly? Yes, you absolutely were unreasonable. But I get it. Tweens are exhausting, especially with a hefty dose of close-in-age sibling rivalry thrown in. The constant bickering is mind-bogglingly frustrating. It can feel like you are refereeing a never-ending boxing match, while balanced on a rollercoaster, juggling flaming torches. And that’s before you add jobs, marriage and aging parents into the mix.

However, you are the parent here. They are 10 and 11. It’s your job to manage the arguments, help them navigate their wants/needs vs others’ wants/needs, teach them the skills to resolve disputes themselves, or if in the moment their not-yet-developed emotional regulation and negotiation skills aren’t up to the task, to resolve the situation for them.

Reflect on what you hoped to achieve with your behaviour this morning. You knew for a good while before departure that your daughter had worked hard and planned ahead to secure her ‘prize’ and you let her believe she was going to get it, until the moment you facilitated her brother claiming it from her. You knew that would upset her, make her feel manipulated and cheated. Perhaps make her feel unloved and unsupported by you. Make her angry and disappointed. Make her brother think he’s more deserving, more loved?

I suspect you wanted to ‘teach her a lesson’? Maybe get her back for the stress her behaviour has been causing you and her brother? Did it make you feel good? I suspect it did, for maybe a second. And now you don’t feel so good. And the lessons your taught your DD (and DS) this morning aren’t actually the ones you want them to learn (and repeat on you, each other, their friends going forwards)?

This parenting business is HARD. And don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely throwing stones from inside a glass house here - it’s amazing the clarity and insight you can have when it’s other people in the situation and not you. Goodness knows I’ve reacted with emotion rather than calm-headed reason enough times.

The silver lining is you now have a great opportunity to model to your kids how you would want them to behave when they have made a mistake. Sit them down this evening and apologise. Explain how hard you find their bickering and what impact it has on family life. Tell them you love them both equally and you want to agree a way forwards together. Invite them to suggest solutions to the ‘who gets the front seat’ question: do they alternate, do they have set days of the week, get them to discuss and agree a plan, and then support them to implement it.

And have a hug from me!

Great post.

I agree, I’d help them to devise a fair solution between themselves. We have the same situation here, if it’s not an official ‘turn’ for whichever kid wants to go in the front they have to do some negotiating with their sibling. If they are mean to their sibling I pull rank and put the other one in the front. They are developing awesome negotiating skills, and don’t tend to sulk often as they usually manage to find a way that suits them both.

EllieEllie25 · 04/07/2025 10:57

I think you were a bit mean and you should find time to say sorry and have a cuddle and and proper chat with her about it, and see if you can get to the bottom of why it’s such a big deal to her. Is she trying to find out if she’s special and important to you, despite having lots of siblings? Does she need time alone with just you and her sometimes? I’m from a big family and always felt like I was just one of the crowd, and I was shocked to see that “not feeling special and important” is categorised as an adverse childhood experience among many much worse things. I do think it’s affected me, despite also having many advantages of lots of siblings.

If the brother isn’t really that fussed, maybe make a rule that its oldest in the front. Or tallest in the front which is actually fairest re leg room and means the brother’s time will come!

NewsdeskJC · 04/07/2025 11:00

Give DD a choice
From now, until the end of time, you get to choose whether you are in the front on the way there, or the way back. Everything you leave the house, or the destination both know where their seats are.
Any further discussion or argument that person is in the back for the week.

Dutchesss · 04/07/2025 11:00

No need to set a rota, just take turns. Last one to have sat in the front goes in the back next.

I've always treated my children equally, the eldest doesn't get privileges for being older, the same way the youngest wouldn't.

BeliesBelief · 04/07/2025 11:01

Cucy · 04/07/2025 10:56

In what way did she waste time?
What should she have been doing in that time?

How is getting ready early a negative thing?

She got ready, had her breakfast and patiently sat in the car whilst her siblings got ready.

What do you think she should have been doing instead?

Whatever it is, you think it only applies to her and not her siblings because you wouldn’t have expected them to do the same.

Show quote history

I’d rather she was getting an extra 30 minutes of sleep, quite frankly. It’s important to be ready on time to leave at the agreed time so you’re not holding up other people. But there’s no virtue in being ready unnecessarily early and hanging around.

Wetoldyousaurus · 04/07/2025 11:02

Why is our generation so uncomfortable with ‘being the boss’ as parents? By taking the other car you showed her that you decide who sits in the front, not your daughter, not her brother. That’s ultimately reassuring for a kid. They are not responsible, yet. So they can relax and focus on growing, learning. Now follow up with a fair rota and let her test you as she kicks at the boundaries you set. Show her you are a strong, fair and reliable authority figure. That’s your job as she moves into the uncertainty of her teenage years. Don’t apologise but do give her some warm one on one time as soon as possible.

NewsdeskJC · 04/07/2025 11:03

And I empathise. My eldest 2 argued about everything. Who pushes the button in a lift, pedestrian crossing etc etc. Where there is anything that involves going there and back, a rule is your answer

Imisscoffee2021 · 04/07/2025 11:03

Not mean, a little life lesson perhaps 😅

Rushing out to get the seat shows how much of a prize it has become, and I don't think she should get it due to seniority, its mot much of an age gap and I don't get why the eldest should always have it (I was the eldest, not speaking as the youngest confined to the back seat with a grudge 😅).

Teach them instead simple fairness by having it on a roster, taking turns, you were ein last? Next is DS. Journeys with them solo aren't included in the taking turns rota, whether they're in front with a parent driving or in back with both parents in front. The eldest having it for merely being born first doesn't teach anything and ots not something DS can help and isn't something DD earned either.

Ritzitup · 04/07/2025 11:06

We had a system that none of us would have ever thought to question.

Eldest sat in the front if 1 parent not there. Then second eldest if 1 parent and eldest not there.

I was the youngest and only got to go in the front on rare occasions!

We did however get a Range rover and my dad had seats fitted in the boot bit for me as I was squished in the middle on long journeys otherwise. I even had a hydraulic step to pop me up there! It made up for lack of front seat time tbh!

VirtueSignaller · 04/07/2025 11:06

Either set up a rigid schedule as to who gets to sit in the front of the car or allow no one to sit there. Your daughter is trying it on and it is up to you as the adult to put boundaries in place. It is not a question of you being mean or not mean, it is a question of her learning that everyone is equal. If she were mine, I would be having strong words about sharing and being a team player which will be required for her to get successfully through life.

Goatinthegarden · 04/07/2025 11:08

I don’t think you were mean, sitting in the front seat might feel like life or death to an 11 year old…but it isn’t. She needs to see a bit of humour in you foiling her ridiculous plan and take it on the chin.

I’d put a rota in place going forwards though; kids like rules, fairness, and boundaries. I like the pp above who suggested one always gets ‘going there’ and one always gets ‘coming back’. Seems the easiest way to remember who sits where.

godmum56 · 04/07/2025 11:09

I agree with a rota, but is there any mileage here is pointing out that sulking is unnattractive, as is gloating and as the driver you do not want to have a sulker or a gloater in the seat beside you?

Cucy · 04/07/2025 11:09

BeliesBelief · 04/07/2025 11:01

I’d rather she was getting an extra 30 minutes of sleep, quite frankly. It’s important to be ready on time to leave at the agreed time so you’re not holding up other people. But there’s no virtue in being ready unnecessarily early and hanging around.

Show quote history

You think all of the other kids should be made to get up and get ready, whilst she’s allowed to spend an extra 30minutes in bed??

If getting the front seat is causing issues then her being allowed to sleep in every morning whilst the others aren’t allowed to, is going to cause way bigger issues.