Was I mean to dd?

[idontknowhowto]

10 and 11 year year old DS and DD have started arguing over who gets to sit in the front seat of the car. Dd in particular has been difficult about it despite getting to most of the time, she thinks it’s her right as she’s older and is moody if she doesn’t get to and gloats if she does.

Today she got up early and rushed through breakfast and getting ready to run out and sit in the front seat in my car on the drive over half an hour before we had to leave.

Once other kids were ready and we were leaving I went out and got in DHs car which meant by the time she realised DS was able to get in the front seat. She sulked it wasn’t fair and said that I hate her and refused to say bye when she went to school.

DH (who wasn’t there) thinks I was mean.
Was I unreasonable?

My two take turns. Week by week. No moaning. If your dd moans when it’s not her turn, she stays in the back either until she can take her turn or not

I have an 11 and a 10 year old. They take it in turns.

Oh diddums

Hahahahahah!! @idontknowhowto That's really made me laugh. Perhaps it was a teeny bit mean but it's still funny. You're only human as well as being mum. I would let your DD have the front seat because she older but warn her that if she gloats about it then she will relinquish the privilege to her brother.

I thought the same!!

I think I probably would say I was sorry for her wasted effort in rushing and say I was wrong to react that way to feeling so irritated by the silly arguing but explain her attitude towards the front seat/being the oldest etc is becoming unpleasant, then say to both that, moving forward, they will be taking turns, no arguments or fuss.

Funnily enough I was only talking to my husband about this the other day, it was so important growing up, getting that front seat! My mum used to have a hell of a job on her hands, loads of kids, three rows of seats, and a turn taking system for both the front seat ‘best spot’ and back row ‘worst spots’. God knows how she kept up with it but it did keep those particular bickers to a minimum.

Imagine sitting by whilst one child deliberately gloats over another?
Addressing unpleasant behaviour is far from hatred.

I would have done the same as you , why should a petty , rude child win ?
But time to introduce a rota system , or perhaps points system with points awarded for helpful good behaviour and taken away for rude , petty or mean behaviour

No, you weren’t particularly mean but if you had made them both sit in the back every time you wouldn’t be facing this battle now would you? DD needs to stop acting like a spoiled brat and learn to ‘share’ in life…….being older does not make her more privileged.

And just strap the younger kids to the roof, or..?

It was a little mean, but I'd say justified. She needs to learn that you're the parent, and who sits in the front and when is not her decision.

If I was you I'd have a chat with her away from other DC, say there will be a rota for the front seat but any gloating or moaning etc will result in her (or whoever does the gloating/moaning) getting less front seat time. If she can't agree to that then she doesn't get the front seat at all.

Honestly? Yes, you absolutely were unreasonable. But I get it. Tweens are exhausting, especially with a hefty dose of close-in-age sibling rivalry thrown in. The constant bickering is mind-bogglingly frustrating. It can feel like you are refereeing a never-ending boxing match, while balanced on a rollercoaster, juggling flaming torches. And that’s before you add jobs, marriage and aging parents into the mix.

However, you are the parent here. They are 10 and 11. It’s your job to manage the arguments, help them navigate their wants/needs vs others’ wants/needs, teach them the skills to resolve disputes themselves, or if in the moment their not-yet-developed emotional regulation and negotiation skills aren’t up to the task, to resolve the situation for them.

Reflect on what you hoped to achieve with your behaviour this morning. You knew for a good while before departure that your daughter had worked hard and planned ahead to secure her ‘prize’ and you let her believe she was going to get it, until the moment you facilitated her brother claiming it from her. You knew that would upset her, make her feel manipulated and cheated. Perhaps make her feel unloved and unsupported by you. Make her angry and disappointed. Make her brother think he’s more deserving, more loved?

I suspect you wanted to ‘teach her a lesson’? Maybe get her back for the stress her behaviour has been causing you and her brother? Did it make you feel good? I suspect it did, for maybe a second. And now you don’t feel so good. And the lessons your taught your DD (and DS) this morning aren’t actually the ones you want them to learn (and repeat on you, each other, their friends going forwards)?

This parenting business is HARD. And don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely throwing stones from inside a glass house here - it’s amazing the clarity and insight you can have when it’s other people in the situation and not you. Goodness knows I’ve reacted with emotion rather than calm-headed reason enough times.

The silver lining is you now have a great opportunity to model to your kids how you would want them to behave when they have made a mistake. Sit them down this evening and apologise. Explain how hard you find their bickering and what impact it has on family life. Tell them you love them both equally and you want to agree a way forwards together. Invite them to suggest solutions to the ‘who gets the front seat’ question: do they alternate, do they have set days of the week, get them to discuss and agree a plan, and then support them to implement it.

And have a hug from me!

As the youngest of 4, I'm really glad my mum didn't take that approach. Being the youngest doesn't mean they should always come last/never get what they want. What you are suggesting is playing favourites, just by age.

You’re the one talking rubbish.

Imagine being so dramatic that you equate what the OP did to ‘hating her daughter’.

Need to take turns.
My two were very strict about it. When my eldest bought his first car at 17 and took us out, I naturally sat in the front. The next time we went out and he drove, my youngest insisted on making me sit in the back because it was my turn!

I can’t have them both in the back.

5 kids, 5 seats in the car. Younger 2 children have car seats in the back and it’s safest for them there so don’t want to change that. Older DSD usually walks and then gets the bus but if it’s raining or she’s late she gets the front and I can’t take youngest.

WTF!!

So she was good enough to get ready earlier than anyone else and you punish her for it?

Surely whoever gets ready first should be rewarded.
Just wait a couple more years and see how long they take getting up and ready.

Can your DS do anything wrong?

Stop treating them so unfairly and take in turns.

Rock, paper, scissor it

Well, I do beg your pardon owlexpress………I seemingly overlooked the part where the OP mentions other children! I don’t claim to be perfect………….

I would do odd dates is one of them and even dates is the other. That’s fair and no argument about who had it yesterday.

She’s being ridiculous. She’s only a year older. That means she would get to sit in the front for the next 7 years, and your DS would only have 1 year of that privilege once she’s presumably off at uni. They’re practically the same age. They have to take turns. And any sulking by the person in the back - or gloating by the person in the front - forfeits their next turn.

Yeah older doesn't mean certain privileges constantly in my book, if she wants to play that card than she can do more chores as she is the oldest surely.

I think you did the right thing, just tell her that her sulking has a big impact on the mornings and you are sick of it.

But everyone knows that Front Seat Privilege , FSP, comes with additional household responsibilities.

Extra washing up, hoovering, dishwasher emptying, bin duty, bathroom floor mopping, laundry sorting etc etc.

Getting ready unnecessarily early and wasting time sitting in the car for half an hour to win a petty sibling battle is not behaviour I would reward.

I don’t hate her I’m fed up with her being moody and gloating about a car seat but I’m happy to admit I was stressed so was mean and apologise to her