Disappointed in husband’s reaction to pregnancy test

[Weejayy]

Hi all,

I (30f) was sitting on my sofa this morning researching TTC and had just taken a pregnancy test because my period is late.
My husband (30m) walks in says good morning and sits down.
he says ‘oh wow, it’s already the third of July. Time goes so fast.’
i say ‘can you read this pregnancy test, I can’t tell if it’s negative.’
he says (no joke) ‘oh what a nice lamp.’
I’m confused and go ‘can you please read the pregnancy test?’
he says ‘that’s nice embroidery’ (on the cushion)
I’m like wth? So I say ‘you don’t care about the pregnancy test?’
he says ‘no, the pregnancy isn’t important. I said something and you ignored it.’
i go ‘what did you say?’
he storms out and says I treat him badly.

I came back this afternoon from work and he acted like nothing is wrong. Meanwhile, I’m seething. I’m pretty sure the test was negative, will check again tomorrow but I’m so angry. What if that had been me telling him I was pregnant?

For context, we’ve been ttc for 3 years now. Had an early miscarriage at 8 weeks in September last year and a late (16 week) miscarriage in May this year. He was always like ‘oh that’s cool’ when I told him about the first one, and a bit cautious but happy about the second one when I told him I was pregnant.

I find this reaction a bit much though. I get he wanted me to say something about time going fast but to completely dismiss a pregnancy test over it? Am I being unreasonable?

Sorry but he's clearly not as invested in a pregnancy/child as you are.

I’d stop TTC with this man, immediately.

You two aren’t ready to be parents op

and I’m not sure this marriage will ever be ready for children

Do not ttc with this man

I'm so sorry OP but it sounds as though his mindset is there isn't going to be a good outcome to the attempts to have a baby so he is no longer interested.

There is a bit missing here. He said "I said something and you ignored it". What did you say and when was this? He sounds annoyed with you, with the "nice lamp" stuff, but we can't tell why and if he is being reasonable or not if we don't have the whole story?

He meant the very first thing he said, the ‘wow it’s the 3rd of July, time goes by so fast.’

Or he might also have a lot of feelings about the MCs and not have processed them - and maybe that caused his weird behaviour.

You did ignore his first comment. Which was of course an inconsequential throw away remark, and in no way of the same order as your pg test comment - but if it’s in the context of him often feeling ignored it might make sense? Only you know. He might just be being selfish and immature.

He really is the centre of his little world isn't he, and a nasty piece of work. If that's his attitude, I think you're better off without him. Don't waste any more time TTC with this idiot. You can do so much better.

This ^

Sorry OP. This just isn't the way mature adults behave in relationships. Neither his actions, nor your responses, are particularly healthy.

Based on your post, you are not ready to be parents together. Maybe the relationship isn't right for you.

He was very clearly making a point that he’s fed up of the process and talking about it op

what a very peculiar exchange. Him doing this weird jokey avoiding the issue and you pushing him to look at your pregnancy test

What did you say in response to his 'Good morning" and his remark about the date?

Dp and I had pretty much the exact same reactions to pregnancy tests as your DH after 7 years of trying. It was such a non event because they were always negative. We did eventually get pregnant and the attitude quickly turned from not bothered to absolutely buzzing when that second line came up. We just couldn't hype it up every month as it only brang disappointment.

He’s not that into the idea of pregnancy or becoming a father with you.

Read between the lines! It’s not what he’s saying, it’s what he’s not saying.

My advice for what it’s worth? Stop TTC and think very seriously about a future with this twat of a knob-head “man.”

i said good morning, but was distracted because I was on my phone and trying to work out if I’d tested too early and I didn’t reply to the 3rd of July comment. That’s why he was annoyed and pointedly talking about the lamp. I was a bit bewildered at the time, but now I think that’s why he was annoyed.

I’m sorry it was such a long journey for you. Maybe you’re right, he’s just done with it.

I think you’re right. I was just so bewildered by the reaction!

Have you forgotten his birthday or an anniversary or something? Not really sure why he mentioned the date and then was weird with you when you didn't reply. I'm confused by the whole scenario.

Be completely honest - what is your relationship like? Any obvious issues? Any little niggles? Is there anything you don’t like but think “oh he’s apologised and I’m sure he’ll mature and won’t be like that later on” because it’s not going to improve and it will only get worse after kids.
He won’t change and when you have kids, all his negative traits will be amplified.

Tbh if you ignored me as you were on your phone then started trying to engage me in what you wanted to say I’d feel a bit grumpy.

more so if it’s a regular thing

yes of course a pg test is important but in that moment I can understand his feelings

Nope, our anniversary is in August and his birthday in September

Imagine him being your dad.

He feels ignored and communication is breaking down. From this one interaction he sounds like a dick, but we don't know the bigger picture.

Perhaps what he says always gets shut down and gets turned around to you and ttc? If that's the case its time for a reset, and he needs to learn to talk without getting shitty, and you need to learn to listen and not interrupt.

Maybe he’s fed up with ttc?
Maybe he’s feeling really pessimistic about it.
Maybe he’s not that invested in a baby anymore?
Maybe he feels like a baby making machine and you lack interest in him aside from his sperm?
Maybe he’s a jerk?

I can’t remember who said it (I’m pretty sure it was Gabor Mate but could be totally off) but someone once said if someone’s reaction is more than a 5 (1 being super chill and 10 being screaming at you), you’re arguing about something else. I would guess that there’s some underlying issues going on there re him feeling heard/listened to or potentially about the pregnancy after what you’ve been through. I am not condoning what he did or said but I think it’s worth apologising for not responding to him first (annoying, I know but then they don’t have a foot to stand on because you’re being uber reasonable) and asking what’s really going on. I disagree with the posters who says he’s a POS - you guys have been through so much and that trauma can turn up in all sorts of unusual ways. Give each other the benefit of the doubt and try to have a chat about it and get to the bottom of what’s caused this miscommunication.