Disappointed in husband’s reaction to pregnancy test

[Weejayy]

Hi all,

I (30f) was sitting on my sofa this morning researching TTC and had just taken a pregnancy test because my period is late.
My husband (30m) walks in says good morning and sits down.
he says ‘oh wow, it’s already the third of July. Time goes so fast.’
i say ‘can you read this pregnancy test, I can’t tell if it’s negative.’
he says (no joke) ‘oh what a nice lamp.’
I’m confused and go ‘can you please read the pregnancy test?’
he says ‘that’s nice embroidery’ (on the cushion)
I’m like wth? So I say ‘you don’t care about the pregnancy test?’
he says ‘no, the pregnancy isn’t important. I said something and you ignored it.’
i go ‘what did you say?’
he storms out and says I treat him badly.

I came back this afternoon from work and he acted like nothing is wrong. Meanwhile, I’m seething. I’m pretty sure the test was negative, will check again tomorrow but I’m so angry. What if that had been me telling him I was pregnant?

For context, we’ve been ttc for 3 years now. Had an early miscarriage at 8 weeks in September last year and a late (16 week) miscarriage in May this year. He was always like ‘oh that’s cool’ when I told him about the first one, and a bit cautious but happy about the second one when I told him I was pregnant.

I find this reaction a bit much though. I get he wanted me to say something about time going fast but to completely dismiss a pregnancy test over it? Am I being unreasonable?

He clearly did carry on trying - OP was too engrossed in the test. Let’s be real, you’re both shit stirring now. The issue has been resolved. What a sad life it must be to try and carry on blaming the DP when he’s obviously been upset about the prior miscarriage. Shame on you both.

I’ve replied to one comment 😂

and? Doesn’t mean you weren’t shit stirring does it?

The people defending her DP are being quite dramatic. ‘Shit stirring’, ‘screeching’ and ‘shame on you’. It’s interesting.

But, yes. He clearly behaved poorly. And also quite strangely.

If they wanted to, They would. Same here if he was interested he would show it. I would stop trying to conceive with this man immediately he clearly isn't as invested as you are

I'm sorry but I don't think you should have a child with this man. Parenthood is not something to be entered into lightly and he clearly isn't as invested as you. His reaction was weird and it will never get better.

Childish comments like. Oh is it this time already. Look at that lamp. Look at that cushion is just trying to stop her discussing it at all..

What's that about?
Does he expect her to go through the whole process of TTC and MCs and keep the boring details away from him as its really beneath his notice and only tell him when she's come up with a positive result. Its not a work project that he's farmed out.

Quite a few pps sympathetic for him, saying he's bored of talking about it. Well he can use his words can't he? Instead of talking about cushions and then complaining about being ignored, he can articulate what his problem is. Because at the moment its coming across as I don't want to have children anymore and as OP clearly does, she needs to know. If he doesn't think that then he also needs to tell her that too.

This is why I thank my lucky stars that I am single. The guy sounds like a sadistic, narcissistic misogynist. He disrespects you by not listening, seemingly has no respect for your health and wellbeing. Unless you want to carry on like a doormat plus toxic drama then get the hell out. Honestly, we are not in medieval times anymore, neither are we commodities.

Sorry OP just found your update. Glad you took the plunge and asked him about it and that you are feeling a bit better about the conversation. Wishing you both all the best

Losing a baby at 16 weeks, 4 months into your pregnancy less than 2 months ago is a pretty big deal. Maybe he’s not over that yet? I think I’d still be heavily affected and scared. People can show fear and anxiety in weird ways. That’s my take on the situation. He probably hasn’t properly processed that yet, and doesn’t want to acknowledge it over fear of it happening again, anxiety or grief.

So sorry but I agree with many others saying I don’t think he sounds bothered.
can totally understand you being distracted and consumed with the pregnancy test that you didn’t respond to his comment but why did he react so childishly, is this usual for him?

He is not interested in having a child with you. Face up to it. But why has this not been discussed?

Maybe he's afraid of another setback, and can't face another pregnancy at this time. Give him time. I've been there, it hurts men too. Ask him?

Dh and I had a massive argument one xmas day as he felt all we did was think about getting pregnant. Every thing we did revolved around it. Did you even look at him and sat good morning before thrusting a test in his face.

Go back a step and start looking for him and not a revolving draw of ovulation and pregnancy tests. Maybe take a month off trying. You

In hindsight he was right. I was obsessed and he was going along with it.

"hasnt time gone quickly" = we have only just lost a child and I am
not ready..

"look at that embroidery" = I would rather look anywhere than that test I cant bear the pain.

He is still processing..cut him some slack. Doesn't sound like a mean person to me just someone trying to protect themselves from
pain.

Seems to me you would have been better responding to that 3rd of July thing first before moving on to the test. That's how I read your account of the conversation. He was trying to say something and you totally ignored it and pivoted. That would really wind me up. Have you perhaps forgotten something that matters to him? Also the other information you shared about previous losses might make him very arms length about early pregnancy. Failing to display emotion isn't the same as not having any. I don't necessarily agree with those saying he's not up for having kids.

He came into the room, greeted you and made a light social comment. You were of course preoccupied, but not only did you make no reply to his comment you didn't even bother to greet him. Just straight in with the look at this pregnancy test command, excluding everything else to the extent that when he protested via making deliberately irrelevant remarks you didn't notice that he had any right to be offended.

Trying to conceive does naturally dominate your thoughts, but that doesn't make it okay to ignore basic courtesies - or to expect his thinking to be identical to yours.

Sorry about your losses heartbreaking. I just want to give you hope. You obviously love and know your husband better than everyone on here. Do you think he is trying to protect himself and you from heartbreak again? I was in similar situation with my husband lots of losses and he detached himself emotionally due to it. Do you think that could be the reason? We went on to have two beautiful daughters and he worships them and is the best husband and dad x

I can't see this relationship having legs, especially when it comes to parenting together.

His initial comment was anyway pretty rhetorical and not necessarily warranting response, even if you hadn't been understandably distracted at the time.

Then he immediately threw his toys out with his passive aggressive comments about the lamp and cushions. Attention seeking, gas lighting twat.

Not worth the years of regret with this one.

How often does this happen? Is he fed up of the constant tests?

I think people are bring harsh about your husband. Telling you he’s selfish and to end the relationship 🤦🏻‍♀️ In my opinion it sounds like he’s fed up with all the ttc and all of the disappointment. Maybe he wants a break from it? Maybe he hasn’t dealt with the grief of losing the babies yet? Everyone is different, you just need to communicate properly over what you both want. Maybe try relationship counselling

The best advice by far ..
Good luck OP , I hope you & your husband conceive soon, & everything works out well for you both , & that ye are very happy 🤞 x x

oh op, we were on the iVF rollercoaster for nearly 8 years!
could it be he is far more upset:hurt about the miscarriages and loses than he is letting on? No excuse really for his behaviour just a thought maybe he doesn’t want his hopes dashed and is trying to protect himself? Coping with TTC and loss is huge!!
best of luck. Hope you two talk it through when things settle x

He was just so upset about the fact that I hadn’t replied to his comment that he didn’t want to engage in any other discussion, no matter what it’s about.

Sorry, who the fuck thinks that saying the date is a topic of conversation? It wasn't even a question or anything, could have stayed in his head. Such strange behaviour, and frankly controlling.

I agree with this. If he's petty like this when there's literally nothing going on there, how horrible will he be when you guys are sleep deprived, at the end of your tether and the trenches of parenting.