Disappointed in husband’s reaction to pregnancy test

[Weejayy]

Hi all,

I (30f) was sitting on my sofa this morning researching TTC and had just taken a pregnancy test because my period is late.
My husband (30m) walks in says good morning and sits down.
he says ‘oh wow, it’s already the third of July. Time goes so fast.’
i say ‘can you read this pregnancy test, I can’t tell if it’s negative.’
he says (no joke) ‘oh what a nice lamp.’
I’m confused and go ‘can you please read the pregnancy test?’
he says ‘that’s nice embroidery’ (on the cushion)
I’m like wth? So I say ‘you don’t care about the pregnancy test?’
he says ‘no, the pregnancy isn’t important. I said something and you ignored it.’
i go ‘what did you say?’
he storms out and says I treat him badly.

I came back this afternoon from work and he acted like nothing is wrong. Meanwhile, I’m seething. I’m pretty sure the test was negative, will check again tomorrow but I’m so angry. What if that had been me telling him I was pregnant?

For context, we’ve been ttc for 3 years now. Had an early miscarriage at 8 weeks in September last year and a late (16 week) miscarriage in May this year. He was always like ‘oh that’s cool’ when I told him about the first one, and a bit cautious but happy about the second one when I told him I was pregnant.

I find this reaction a bit much though. I get he wanted me to say something about time going fast but to completely dismiss a pregnancy test over it? Am I being unreasonable?

He saw what you were doing and knew what was coming and decided that he didn't want to talk about it so spoke about lamps and embroidery instead.

It sounds a lot like buying his head in the sand. He doesn't dare to feel excited because of past hurt.

Good luck for a positive soon, OP.

I thought so. His odd remarks were making a point "I'm talking to myself/a brick wall here".

TBH I can understand his reaction, its hurtful to be pretty much ignored as I'm absolutely positive anyone on here would be if they'd been on the receiving end.

It's a blip. Apologise perhaps? (I've put my hard hat on already 😏)

Have you never said out loud that you can’t believe it’s July (or whatever month/day) already and wondered where the time has gone?

OP you ignored him, he walked in said good morning and made a comment you said good morning but didn’t engage in the conversation he was trying to make because you were on your phone. That is ignorant! However when the mention of a pregnancy test came up he should of not played stupid games

Sounds like he’s fed up with TTC looming so large all the time. He’s being very immature in how he’s expressing this though. I wouldn’t give up on him completely at this point as others have suggested, I’d at least try talking to him first. Ask what’s going on in his head. Three years of trying for a baby is a long time and maybe he’s feeling like life just isn’t enjoyable with it hanging over you both all the time. You need to communicate openly with one another about it.

It sounds as if he doesn't want to have a baby with you, OP. He would have been interested if he was, even if also offended that you didn't reply to his comment. Sounds as if you need to stop TTC and sort this out.

Another voice saying stop trying to get pregnant with this ignoramus .

Tbh it all sounds very odd to me.

I can't imagine getting so pissed off that someone who was obviously engrossed in something else didn't respond to what I was saying.

Especially if the "thing" was a pregnancy that we were both trying & hoping for.

seems to me like you may have become consumed in testing/ovulation etc. I get it I am infertile and had to have fertility treatment to have children. He’s made a comment about the date knowing it’s test day and instead of acknowledging that and you’ve just asked about the test. It’s his babies too, it’s his stress too, his loses too and I get it’s hard I’ve been there. But maybe he didn’t want to to be ones saying it’s negative or maybe he’s nervous about it being positive due to the previous loses. I think you need to both sit down and talk through the emotions

I feel like him saying "the pregnancy isn't important" tells you everything you need to know. What an awful man.

Stop ttc. Do not force a child on someone who is not 100% invested.

He’s a dick. I’m not sure why people are picking at you not responding to his “good morning” when you were literally holding a pregnancy test in your hands. Who cares if she didn’t instantly say good morning back, why didn’t he rush over to check the result? Again, he’s a dick.

I agree with this.

Lucky you aren’t pregnant then as he’s clearly not into being a Dad

I remember, many, many years ago, a friend who was TTC telling me that her DH just didn't seem that bothered about her having yet another miscarriage. I think he kept changing the subject a bit like this. They never did manage the much-wanted second child.

Fast forward over 30 years and his DD had a miscarriage. He fell apart. It seems he had tried to keep it all together, albeit in an awkward way, when he and his DW were going through it and seeing history repeat itself was just too much. Fortunately his DD now has the family she wanted and he is a very happy grandfather.

So this could just be his way of dealing with it. Who knows?

Weird of him to expect a response to such an inconsequential comment. There is no response other than 'hmmm yes' or similar

Weird of him, if he really did expect a response, to start conversations about lamps and embroidery, instead of ask you if you'd heard him or why you were ignoring him

And even weirder of him not to be wanting to know if you're pregnant, if he really has been wanting this for 3 years

3 years is a long time, I think you are more invested in being pregnant than he is.

I am surprised you haven't posted a photo of the test, I have seen several on MN and ' we ' could give our guesses.

tbh you were rude to be talking to him while distracted by your phone. When you talk to someone, especially about something this important, it is rude not to give them your full attention. He was reacting to that.

But tbh, keep your knees together and stop TTC with this idiot. Bin him off and find a better one.

The whole thing sounds stupid.

You deserve better, someone who is actually interested in you and wanting to have a baby.

He minimised and invalidated you.

Storming off and then coming back and not acknowledging his behaviour is immature at best, potentially abusive if it tips over into gaslighting you "no I didn't, you're too sensitive, I never did/said that" and giving you the silent treatment.

Is he usually like this, or just around ttc issues?

This sounds silly from both sides!

This is tough and quite rude/hurtful of him. I agree the "i can't believe it's 3rd July" is a rhetorical statement which doesn't really require a response though suppose a mm-hmm might be courteous.

I don't think it's really about that though. He really didn't want you to talk about the pregnancy test. You'll know better than us whether that was due to being fed up with talking about ttc, worried and sticking head in sand over losses or if he genuinely isn't interested and doesn't care.

My dad used to do that when he didn't want to answer a question. He'd either give a complete random answer or fire a (completely unrelated) question back at you and keep repeating it until you answered, by which time the conversation moved on and my question got buried. For him it was a way of taking control when he didn't want to give an answer that wouldn't have suited him or just wasn't interested in the subject. Sound familiar?

This. DH and I tried to conceive for 3 years before going to IVF and honestly we were so burned out and jaded toward the end that I’d just pee on the stick and abandon it. He once came to tell me it was actually positive when he went to use the loo and I was just like “oh ok, what do you want for supper?” because we’d had so many miscarriages at that point my mind didn’t want to comprehend it.

We used to talk about anything and everything except the test and whether it was a line or wasn’t a line because it was hard otherwise. If he’s generally a nice guy otherwise I’d give him the benefit of the doubt and not chastise him for this.

I’m not saying his reaction was great however TTC/infertility/miscarriages is soul wrenching and it effects people in different ways, he may just be over the whole pregnancy test thing and seeing yet another negative, I know I certainly was after 2 years of infertility, have you had testing done? 3 years is a long time.

his comment about the date isn’t something that warrants any kind of response. It’s the kind of thing people just say. It’s meaningless drivel. At best it gets a “it sure does.”

something is going on and you need to get to the heart of it before you keep ttc. His reaction is bizarre.

Sounds like a lot of fuss about absolutely nothing from both of you.