Disappointed in husband’s reaction to pregnancy test

[Weejayy]

Hi all,

I (30f) was sitting on my sofa this morning researching TTC and had just taken a pregnancy test because my period is late.
My husband (30m) walks in says good morning and sits down.
he says ‘oh wow, it’s already the third of July. Time goes so fast.’
i say ‘can you read this pregnancy test, I can’t tell if it’s negative.’
he says (no joke) ‘oh what a nice lamp.’
I’m confused and go ‘can you please read the pregnancy test?’
he says ‘that’s nice embroidery’ (on the cushion)
I’m like wth? So I say ‘you don’t care about the pregnancy test?’
he says ‘no, the pregnancy isn’t important. I said something and you ignored it.’
i go ‘what did you say?’
he storms out and says I treat him badly.

I came back this afternoon from work and he acted like nothing is wrong. Meanwhile, I’m seething. I’m pretty sure the test was negative, will check again tomorrow but I’m so angry. What if that had been me telling him I was pregnant?

For context, we’ve been ttc for 3 years now. Had an early miscarriage at 8 weeks in September last year and a late (16 week) miscarriage in May this year. He was always like ‘oh that’s cool’ when I told him about the first one, and a bit cautious but happy about the second one when I told him I was pregnant.

I find this reaction a bit much though. I get he wanted me to say something about time going fast but to completely dismiss a pregnancy test over it? Am I being unreasonable?

The more I think about it the more I think that maybe this is a symptom of him struggling with the emotions of TTC for so long. It’s a difficult situation for both of you. Try talking to each other.

Is the 3rd of July a specific date. As in was it a due date? A 20 week scan? A first date? A death?

Sounds like ttc burn out. I am struggling with infertility for no 2 and bored of it. I don't test now. My husband and I don't really talk about it. It's boring. Sorry for your mcs

neither one of you are anywhere near ready to be a parent, and I doubt this marriage will last the distance irrespective

I'm not sure why you didn't ask him why he was talking about the lamp as soon as he said it - such a bizarre remark. If he managed to get to talking about the cushion without you looking at him and remarking on his odd conversation, it must have looked as though you were just ignoring him completely.

My husband (30m) walks in says good morning and sits down.
he says ‘oh wow, it’s already the third of July. Time goes so fast.
i say ‘can you read this pregnancy test, I can’t tell if it’s negative.

You say you said good morning but were distracted by fiddling on your phone because of the pregnancy test. Instead of replying to his comment about time going so fast you immediately asked him to read the pregnancy test.
That's not great to be honest and if this is a pattern of behaviour I can imagine why he might have reacted the way he did.
He possibly feels that all you think and talk about is pregnancy and ttc and maybe he wants to be able to talk to you about other things and not have everything revolve around ttc.

He shouldn't have reacted the way he did but it's maybe good that this has happened so that you can both start a conversation about this. He might have ttc fatigue or he might not care whether he has a child or not. He might just be an arsehole or he might be more upset about the miscarriages than he's letting on.

Talk to him about it.

I don’t understand why people frequently post on here red flags about their partner. Like in this one, OP said her OH in the past hasn’t seemed particularly enthusiastic when she has previously been pregnant and now he’s acting so immaturely when she’s trying to focus on deciphering if she’s pregnant or not and even actively tells her that ‘the pregnancy is not important’.

PP rightly highlight of this is even a suitable man to be having children with especially as OP is only 30 so has time on her side - yet this observation is wholly ignored.

I say this also because so many women start threads on how when they were trying their partner didn’t seem particularly bothered but they remain with them anyway and then bemoan later their OH doesn’t engage much with the kids and everything falls to them then the invariable split. I really don’t get why people cling onto such partners.

I think this is absurd. It’s normal to have slightly disjointed conversations sometimes. One person says something on x topic, someone else says something about y, at some point you converge. That’s a healthy relationship dynamic. Getting het up because someone isn’t immediately dropping their train of thought to respond to you, is not healthy.

I can’t see anything wrong in your responses OP. He was being immature and rude.

If you have been ttc for a few years then are pregnancy tests something you do a lot. It might be possible he is fatigued by the pregnancy discussions and just needs a break from the discussikns. Like are you doing this every month for two years.. maybe he just sometimes doesnt want to talk about it, especially if you have had several scares, negative results, miscarriages and other stressful times.

Does your DH want a baby? Not everyone does and quite frankly more men than women often don't. Is it your idea to have one?

Totally agree with this. Ttc for that long does weird things to people, I’ve been there! Being put on the spot to check a pregnancy test which was likely negative first thing in the morning wouldn’t have put me in the best mood either, sorry. That being said, he was being unfair to lash out at you.

He is fed up and he doesn't want to try and all the stuff that comes with trying and not succeed. However, he is an unsoportive dick, the way he is speaking with you when you are clearly being very nervous about the test is a red flag.
There are too many ways to tell someone you had had enough of something withouth being a dickhead.

You are having a long and painful tic journey with some bitter disappointments. I've been there (9 miscarriages). I think people start to protect themselves and it can seem cold. Without knowing more about your dh, it could just be that he is now trying not to get excited before much closer to a due date. I wish you lots of luck with it OP.

Or even 'Good morning', reply could have been. 'Yes a really good morning I might be pregnant, can you look at this test for me.'

Edit: Also is the third of July significant in some way? He was obviously making irrelevant comments because his comments were ignored, that is actually really annoying.

Imagine basing your whole opinion on a man based off one very bias account of a singular exchange.

OP is it not possible he’s scared due to prior miscarriages?

I’m wondering if because OP was so engrossed with the test her DP said something that she missed and the other comments were to make the point she’d ignored him.

Everyone saying stop TTC with this man... maybe it is upsetting to him also. Maybe he doesn't want to be disappointed again. Maybe he's worried that there is something wrong with him that makes it difficult for him to get his wife pregnant.

When I told my partner about my first pregnancy, his response was "oh cool" and then he went back to watching his team win the champions league final and didn't mention it again that evening. He needed processing time. He is now the most devoted father to our little boy.

I dont think you are being unreasonable for wanting a response but I do think it warrants a further conversation on how you both feel about the situation you are in. TTC can be hard on the men too!

Ok, so he was referring to the date comment? He is being pathetic in his passive aggressive reaction. I wouldn't necessarily respond to a comment like that about the date unless it was some kind of significant date. He sounds like a child. He equates how "important" the pregnancy is with how "important " his anodyne comment on the date is? Your reaction should depend on how he behaves in a wider context and array of situations but this kind of petty self-centredness ("you always need to respond to my manly statements whatever they are") would probably make me think twice about him.

And I totally disagree with PP who say she was "rude" to him. He was musing about how fast time flies, something people say as fluff and "filler" all the time, not exactly a novel conversation starter or a request for information or support. She on the other hand was preoccupied with thinking about a potentially life-changing event. He is a twat to react like that.

He's childish and selfish. Not great traits for raising a child.

Do you ask him to check tests a lot?
Someone I know got their partner to check every month and if wore him down.

And based on your ignorant comment which bases a person's ability to parent on the contents of one small interaction, * I've decided you're too mean, too judgemental and too thick to parent. If you already have children I think you should give them to someone better qualified.

OP he sounds like a knob. Only you know if that's a regular issue or if he's just at the end of his tether with TTC.

• A small interaction that's come on the back of three years of infertility and a later miscarriage

Really, it worse him down? 🙄

I think perhaps you might be a bit all consumed TTC and with the losses you have suffered. It is very understandable....I lost three and I know that my DH didn't really have the desire for it anymore.
I think we forget that it might affect men emotionally as well. Obviously they are not the ones physically suffering nor I think do they suffer from the dreadful mental torture but I do think some can suffer.
I'm not really offering solutions as it is a very hard situation but I think perhaps give him a break and try to not let it all consume you.