Disappointed in husband’s reaction to pregnancy test

[Weejayy]

Hi all,

I (30f) was sitting on my sofa this morning researching TTC and had just taken a pregnancy test because my period is late.
My husband (30m) walks in says good morning and sits down.
he says ‘oh wow, it’s already the third of July. Time goes so fast.’
i say ‘can you read this pregnancy test, I can’t tell if it’s negative.’
he says (no joke) ‘oh what a nice lamp.’
I’m confused and go ‘can you please read the pregnancy test?’
he says ‘that’s nice embroidery’ (on the cushion)
I’m like wth? So I say ‘you don’t care about the pregnancy test?’
he says ‘no, the pregnancy isn’t important. I said something and you ignored it.’
i go ‘what did you say?’
he storms out and says I treat him badly.

I came back this afternoon from work and he acted like nothing is wrong. Meanwhile, I’m seething. I’m pretty sure the test was negative, will check again tomorrow but I’m so angry. What if that had been me telling him I was pregnant?

For context, we’ve been ttc for 3 years now. Had an early miscarriage at 8 weeks in September last year and a late (16 week) miscarriage in May this year. He was always like ‘oh that’s cool’ when I told him about the first one, and a bit cautious but happy about the second one when I told him I was pregnant.

I find this reaction a bit much though. I get he wanted me to say something about time going fast but to completely dismiss a pregnancy test over it? Am I being unreasonable?

Alot about nothing....op stop ttc..just have sex and fun with your husband. He sounds worn out by the whole process. Been there and so understand the stress. My advice is to stop ...and just do fun things together you loved before you ttc. Unless there's a back story I'll just reconnect as a couple.

I am so sorry for your loss @Weejayy. I wonder if your DH is grieving for the baby you have just lost @Weejayy.
Has he spoken about it to anyone ? Only Grief can make ppl behave in very different ways to they would normally .

Of course DH's reaction sounds ridiculous. To the point of bafflingly banal, uncaring idiocy.

But there's clearly more going on here than him than just being a banal uncaring idiot, otherwise OP wouldn't be ttc with him. So we, or more to the point she, needs to dig a bit deeper into what's behind it.

Maybe it's burnout, maybe it's unresolved grief over the mcs, maybe it's just a whole heap of overwhelm to do with having to care and invest in having a baby, but not too much in case constant disappointment destroys him/you/your marriage.

You're going through the same thing OP and I'm sure you're handling it much better. He's one step removed - it's not his body trying to get pregnant - so he has to feel all the feelings for an idea rather than a physical reality. It sounds like this is taking its toll, and coming out as repressed feelings inevitably do, in weird, pressure-cooker-blowing ways.

He may well turn out to be a Grade A shit, I dunno, but you married him so I'd give him the benefit of the doubt on this occasion. Talk gently about the mix-up this morning and how things blew up out of nowhere and you want to know what's going on with him. Don't make it about blame for who said or did what, but sharing each other's honest feelings. You want to get back on the same side again.

If he's too far sunk in his own mh complications to recognise that he either needs to work with you, or get support with handling his emotions... then yes, maybe the two of you need to reconsider your future together.

Tbh you ignored him first you were so invested in your phone and by the sound of it it's been going on for a while. Take a step back and work on your communication and closeness while still trying

What an awful man. Doesn't sound like he's ready to be a father.

Why are you TTC when clearly there are major breakdowns in communication and he is not invested in the pregnancy for the scenario you describe. So I said yabu.

He sounds just like my husband. I could have written this interaction myself! My husband isn't a waste of space, or a terrible person, he's on the spectrum and has a one track mind. He's also a very stubborn, annoying person 😂 We had issues TTC and it was a nightmare managing that, my emotions and his weird reactions. Now looking back (more than a few kids later) he said he was overwhelmed and worried about supporting a family, but instead of speaking his mind, he behaved awfully and made my life so much more stressful. FWIW my husband is a very supportive husband and a brilliant dad now, back then, debatable! He just needed a few extra years to grow up and manage his behaviour 🙄

You ignored him so he ignored you! Mature!
Tho u must do it all the time for him to be annoyed

I don’t think it’s fair of PPs to call him all these names. The pair of you have been through a lot of pregnancy related trauma recently. It takes a huge emotional toll.

Given everything, are you a bit obsessed with TTC? I don’t mean that in a judgemental way btw, I’m projecting a bit. When I’m TTC I’m always waiting on a date: when I’m ovulating, when I’m 8DPO (then testing relentlessly), when my period is due etc. After my ectopic pregnancy, when we decided to try again it was all I could think about really. I just needed to get pregnant again ASAP.

It sounds to me like maybe he wanted to start his day with a light hearted conversation about time passing but instead ran straight into a conversation about TTC. It’s as though he feels a bit exasperated that you couldn’t indulge him with some small talk first.

Were you on the phone and trying to work out if you'd done the test too soon out loud? If so, the comment about the date and time passing quickly might have a different meaning. You had your last miscarriage in May which is very recent. Maybe that was his point and he's more hurt by what's happened than the majority on here assume. Perhaps he can't cope with the ongoing highs and lows because his daft comments when you didn't reply sound like provocation to me.

YANBU and I suggest stop TTC with him and think about your future. Would you like to have children with a father who isn’t interested at all?

Edit: if it was a negative test he maybe doesn’t want to admit it to you and himself. He maybe hoped it was positive and his humour is his way of dealing with his disappointment again.

TTC is hard on couples at the best of times.

I would give him a second chance about this. And treat him more than just a glorified sperm donor, I agree it sounds like you are getting a bit obsessed.

Okay I have only read the OP but it sounds to me as though he feels you are completely obsessed with TTC to the point where he has been reduced to nothing but a sperm provider to you and you don't have much time or interest in anything else that isn't related to TTC.

It happens to couples a lot when they are going through IVF or struggling to conceive. Sex becomes mechanical and by appointment according to the day of the month, whether they want it or not. It's a stressful way to live.

I mean unless you just bought a new lamp and embroidered cushions, I don't know what to think.
Do you do pregnancy tests often? Maybe he's bored of them now?
Maybe he didn't want to touch the stick that had been wee'd on.
I think you're both being ridiculous tbh. You both need to lighten up.

Oh I think I see what he's done actually.

He said good morning and you ignored this greeting by asking him to do something.
So in response to that, he ignored your request.
Tit for tat.
You both need to grow up.

Maybe that's how he grieves. Have you discussed and processed the miscarriage in May?

Everyone’s going a bit deep here.
It’s rude to ignore someone and be on your phone, especially when you are asking them to do something.

Ignoring a partners bids for attention is an indicator that the relationship will be unsuccessful.

I get really annoyed when people talk about someone being preoccupied "with their phone" or staring "at their phone". Like it was wrong and invariably some mindless cartoon or something frivolous or stupid if it was "on their phone". In this day and age that is ridiculous.

They aren't looking at their phone they are looking at something ON their phone. A couple of decades ago you might have been reading a book or the newspaper, looking something up in the phone book or a reference book etc. Or you might have been reading a comic book or looking at porn. The important bit is what you are reading or watching at any particular moment, not the physical format it is on. Being "on your phone" means precisely nothing in and of itself. It's neither rude or not rude.

The fact that everything is now done via the internet and the internet is on all of our phones means that pretty much anything we want to find out about or access is "on our phones". So what? That is how it is now. The judginess about this really baffles me sometimes, as if looking at information on the internet rather than in a book is somehow "rude"? OP said that she was researching information about TTC. That's not rude, it's completely pertinent to her situation. Should she immediately stop when she is in the middle of reading something which is important and relevant to her because behold, a man has arrived and said something (not) important? Why?

Surly after three years you know when to test/ how to read a pregnancy test? Seems an odd reaction from both of you to be honest

OP, I think it's time to be completely honest, have a candid discussion, and focus on achieving the best results for everyone involved.

OP and her DH should sit down and calmly discuss important issues, sharing all their feelings and thoughts with each other. This seems to be a case of miscommunication and a lack of proper communication between both parties.

Of course, some people go on claiming the man is a terrible person and that divorce is the only option. Are they promoting propaganda for divorce solicitors? Are they pushing an agenda for so-called "feminists"—and I use this term very loosely—who believe men are always at fault without considering properly explained circumstances, conditions, situations, and contexts?

@Weejayy Are you certain you two are on the same page for family planning? It doesn't sound like it, tbh.
Discussion and decisions need to be made - fast.

Ttc is all consuming for both partners, it becomes your whole life. What’s his behaviour like most of the time?
Ttc for 7 years, miscarriages, failed ivf nearly broke both me a my dh. We dealt with it in very different ways, he wanted to stop Ttc a long time before me.
Maybe if he’s normally ok he’s struggling too.

When you've lost babies through MC's, it does get hard to connect/bond or feel happy with a new pregnancy. You're constantly avoiding feeling like "this is it" because anything can happen at any time before baby's birth.

After several MC's, on my rainbow pregnancy, of course I was happy but cautious. MC's, fear , will take away that joy that normal people feel. My DH also never talked to the belly when pregnant because he was always afraid something would happen. He would treat me like a queen when pregnant and post Partum though. Once the baby was born he absolutely adores him and cares for him.

I think that your partner /husband got upset over nothing though, but I'd give it a break with the pregnancy. He has feelings and must have fear as well.

If you have been trying for 3 years - he may be burnt out. Perhaps he is feeling overwhelmed.

Hey OP, not sure what you meant by your AIBU - I think you are being unreasonable trying to have a child with this man. He is clearly not interested! I would go on the pill asap.

If if you do want kids, i would find someone who also wants them.