Disappointed in husband’s reaction to pregnancy test

[Weejayy]

Hi all,

I (30f) was sitting on my sofa this morning researching TTC and had just taken a pregnancy test because my period is late.
My husband (30m) walks in says good morning and sits down.
he says ‘oh wow, it’s already the third of July. Time goes so fast.’
i say ‘can you read this pregnancy test, I can’t tell if it’s negative.’
he says (no joke) ‘oh what a nice lamp.’
I’m confused and go ‘can you please read the pregnancy test?’
he says ‘that’s nice embroidery’ (on the cushion)
I’m like wth? So I say ‘you don’t care about the pregnancy test?’
he says ‘no, the pregnancy isn’t important. I said something and you ignored it.’
i go ‘what did you say?’
he storms out and says I treat him badly.

I came back this afternoon from work and he acted like nothing is wrong. Meanwhile, I’m seething. I’m pretty sure the test was negative, will check again tomorrow but I’m so angry. What if that had been me telling him I was pregnant?

For context, we’ve been ttc for 3 years now. Had an early miscarriage at 8 weeks in September last year and a late (16 week) miscarriage in May this year. He was always like ‘oh that’s cool’ when I told him about the first one, and a bit cautious but happy about the second one when I told him I was pregnant.

I find this reaction a bit much though. I get he wanted me to say something about time going fast but to completely dismiss a pregnancy test over it? Am I being unreasonable?

We dont know he has not been supportive though do we. Grief is like a wave. Chances are he has been, chances are he is. Men are allowed to get frustrated too.

I lost a child. I see both sides. I also
know how the conception journey made me in to a monster.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff i think his reaction wasn’t unusual for someone who doesn’t want to know if the test is positive or not… he diverted the conversation. He’s scared of both possible outcomes and we are all selfish at times

Yup! Exactly this. I’d be an anxious mess for the weeks I was waiting. I also tested early. I think that’s pretty normal.

What a terrible time you have had. Both of you.

How much do you talk about trying to conceive? How much does it dominate your life? Perhaps, at that moment, he just didn’t want another pregnancy conversation and has reacted in a defensive way to avoid it?

I’d suggest a frank discussion about what happens next and maybe some counselling. I don’t agree this is a major crime - it’s the sort of niggly interaction that happens in a long relationship when no one really behaves well or logically. But I do think you are more upset because you’re already stressed around the pregnancy situation and he’s more resistant because of it.

I don’t think you should LTB or he has opted out - I think you’re both struggling and need to be honest about why.

I think until you've been in the position where you've been holding a (negative) pregnancy test in your hand a couple of days a month for years on end, you can't understand what a crushingly depressing thing this is, and how you might do everything in your power to avoid having to look at that fucking piss stick again, and face the inevitable days of misery that follow.

To say nothing of the desolate horror of anxious, high-stakes ovulation sex that goes on fruitlessly for years, and gradually erodes any sense of closeness as a couple.

DH and I tried for 7 years (3 years without a single positive pregnancy test, then one full-term stilllbirth, and then 5 or 6 miscarriages - I honestly lost track) before we had a living baby.

As time went on, we both felt less and less like people who mattered and more like pointless bodies that didn't work properly. It was really awful and took a huge toll on our relationship.

I can see how OP's DH might really just wish someone could have a bit of companionable smalltalk rather than starting the day with obsessive line-spotting. I know my DH felt the same.

If their relationship is otherwise OK (/was OK before infertility) then I don't think we can conclude from this one instance that her DH is an arsehole.

I am so sorry @Weejayy . We also lost a baby, and there is nothing like the sorrow of picking out a casket, and having to register the death alongside all the couples registering births.

My DH was an absolute mess for a very long time after we lost our DD, but his grief looked very different to mine. He just wanted the fact of babies to be erased from the world as it was all too painful and awful. He couldn't stand testing day and would often stay in bed as long as he could in the mornings so that he didn't have to face my obsessive line-spotting, and relive the grief and the trauma all over again.

I also was not in an emotional place to be able to cut him any slack, and we were both just projecting all our outsized sadness and rage onto one another all the time. It was very, very hard.

My heart goes out to you both, and I hope that you have a successful pregnancy soon.

I’m so sorry for your losses. What an awful, heart-wrenching journey you’ve been on. I wish it had never happened to you, but thank you for understanding x

As someone who spent 6, long, upsetting years trying to conceive, I remember my DP, now DH being as gutted as I was every time it didn't happen. We were both invested fully in having a child and, although it was hard, we did it together and, as a result, we've been strong parents together.

Can you say the same @Weejayy

I would be reviewing your relationship and before you commit to a child, do you believe he is in for the long haul? Because it's giving, you'll be a single mum chasing child support vibes currently. You want a partner, a supporter, not a man child.

@Manypets Sorry for your loss, you made a fair point.

Stop having babies with men who don't want them!!!

FFS He CLEARLY does want a baby… have you even bothered to read the OP’s comments

'he was there during labour for our baby boy who died and held my hand during theatre after my placenta got trapped. I was on the ward for five days after my waters broke and he slept on those awful hospital chairs as often as he could during his exams. I sent him home most nights because they are uncomfortable but he was there the whole long night of labour and we both cried when we held our little boy.'

whilst that was very stressful and upsetting, he doesn't actually win any prizes for being with you - of course he was ! it's the very least he could have done !!!

I'm sorry, but this guy sounds like a waste of space. Having a hissy fit because you didn't acknowledge him. I AM right in thinking a pregnancy test is more bloody important than how quick the years going? 🤬
It's like adding insult to injury, especially with what you have sadly been through with other pregnancies. I'd have thought he'd have been keener to hear about that. IMHO, you'd be better off without him.
I've been in the unfortunate position of where my exes haven't wanted kids full stop, dunno how or why that's happened, but such is life. If any of them had done a pregnancy test, that would certainly supercede anything I was going to say.
I would say he's maybe protecting himself because of what's happened before, but the way you've put it, well, to be blunt, he's not worthy to have you as a partner.

Kindly, TTC can make you very distracted, one track minded, obviously so.

Maybe he's just feeling like that is all your relationship is consisting of and he is feeling unheard.

Absolutely.

Sounds like someone who's fed up of being dismissed.

Both U.

I would disagree it seems you’re ready to be a parent, but maybe your husband isn’t. I would go and buy a digital pregnancy test as you can’t go wrong with those. I know they’re a bit more expensive but at least then you’ll know. Then I think either way you need to sit down with your husband and have a good talk about your future. You can’t just assume he’s not invested in having children anymore unless you talk to him, he might be going through your situation differently and have a different way of coping with it. Good luck 🤞🏻

Stop trying to conceive with this silly boy or justLTB

It is irrelevant if OP responded to good morning and remark about the date. She has just taken a pregnancy test! She had bigger things on her mind. Any decent partner, truly invested in trying for children, would have noted this immediately and focused on the higher priority thing going on here. His behaviour was pathetic, and narcissistic. Don't have a child with this person OP. These are flags that should never be ignored.

I think he's been a twat but I also sympathise a bit. Sounds like you and he have been through a lot together.

My partner had a miscarriage and desperately wanted to be pregnant again before the due date of the baby we lost. I didn't really feel ready, and would rather have waited, but went with her wishes as she mattered most. Didn't mean I didn't want a baby (would have said), just I wasn't quite sure I was ready to hold her again if she lost another and wasn't as unambiguously overjoyed-pregnancy marked the start of 38 weeks of fear rather than expectation.

Was really grateful she sent me a shot of the positive test-let me sort out my feelings a bit before I could see her and give her the support and reassurance she needed (assume she was also shit scared as well as overjoyed).

Have you spoken about how you'd feel about another pregnancy (rather than just if you want a baby-which is different)? Can you find a way of giving each other space to digest any positive or negative news personally before having to be there for each other?

He acts like a child. Do you really want to have a baby with someone who has absolutely no emotional intelligence? What if you have to give your baby your full attention? Will he storm out or just stamp his feet. Get rid

He acts like a child. Do you really want to have a baby with someone who has absolutely no emotional intelligence? What if you have to give your baby your full attention? Will he storm out or just stamp his feet. Get rid