Disappointed in husband’s reaction to pregnancy test

[Weejayy]

Hi all,

I (30f) was sitting on my sofa this morning researching TTC and had just taken a pregnancy test because my period is late.
My husband (30m) walks in says good morning and sits down.
he says ‘oh wow, it’s already the third of July. Time goes so fast.’
i say ‘can you read this pregnancy test, I can’t tell if it’s negative.’
he says (no joke) ‘oh what a nice lamp.’
I’m confused and go ‘can you please read the pregnancy test?’
he says ‘that’s nice embroidery’ (on the cushion)
I’m like wth? So I say ‘you don’t care about the pregnancy test?’
he says ‘no, the pregnancy isn’t important. I said something and you ignored it.’
i go ‘what did you say?’
he storms out and says I treat him badly.

I came back this afternoon from work and he acted like nothing is wrong. Meanwhile, I’m seething. I’m pretty sure the test was negative, will check again tomorrow but I’m so angry. What if that had been me telling him I was pregnant?

For context, we’ve been ttc for 3 years now. Had an early miscarriage at 8 weeks in September last year and a late (16 week) miscarriage in May this year. He was always like ‘oh that’s cool’ when I told him about the first one, and a bit cautious but happy about the second one when I told him I was pregnant.

I find this reaction a bit much though. I get he wanted me to say something about time going fast but to completely dismiss a pregnancy test over it? Am I being unreasonable?

Whilst I can understand the dh may be upset about the miscarriages.. surely he hasn't suffered as much as OP who had to go through them... and therefore why is it OK to behave like that.

Expecting her to reply to the wierd statement about the time... when she was asking for his help to look at the test and then getting angry because he didn't have her immediate attention with the odd... look at that lamp... look at that cushion comments.. just seems a bit harsh. If he's suffering so much. What does he think she's been going through. And why can't he use his words instead of expecting her to guess what he's thinking.

It is insane, especially in this context. His comment was basic fairly inane small talk, while OP was clearly preoccupied with something very important. Ask if …when you have a baby you are busy feeding or comforting your child and fail to respond in full to him pointing out that it’s raining…..is that going to be an issue? i had a child with severe reflux and DP and I probably failed to take in about 80% of what the other said. Still do tbh 😆

OP I am so sorry for your losses. Unfortunately I think you need to do some really honest examination of this relationship. Maybe he is just getting stressed with ttc (although he didn’t offer that explanation himself I notice), but just be sure this isn’t the tip of a coercive control iceberg. If it is part of a wider picture of you walking on eggshells then leave.

Yup. All of this.

Well I wouldn't!

If I said good morning to my DH and he ignored me I'd do one of two things. Either I'd shrug and retreat to the kitchen to make a cup of tea. OR I'd sit down next to him and say"what are you so interested in here that you can't talk to me?"

What I absolutely would NOT do is make passive aggressive comments about the furnishings and then storm off in a snit.

OP I'm so sorry but this guy doesn't care very much about you and your feelings. And he certainly doesn't care whether you make a baby together or not.

Double check that he actually WANTS a baby . Some straight talking is required. If there are other issues in the relationship hold off on becoming parents until they are resolved .

@HistoricalOrchard

You just described my marriage 😓

He thinks you ignoring him is more important than the possibility of you being pregnant.
To me this seems very needy and controlling- if he is outraged at the idea you would be more invested in having a child than tending to his desires I think having children with him would be a huge mistake. If he feels you aren't giving him enough attention now, what is he going to be like when you actually have a baby. I think you dodged a bullet.

After 3 years he’s probably accepted that you may never conceive and isn’t going to invest a lot of energy into it

that is long and tbh you sound like you have hormonal problems…. This is not something I would seethe about … If your relationship is so tense and you are so easily angered you probably should never have a baby.

I think men are crap at talking about their feelings, even about owning them sometimes!
maybe suggest you both have counselling either together or apart to deal with your losses.
I think men often bury their grief to support us.. they try to be the tough one … but they don’t cope as well as we think they are… in fact we feel offended by their tough act because their tough exterior appears to us as they don’t care… this upsets us and we quiz them, that in turn annoys them because men have been bought up not to cry…. I think we are then in danger of making the whole experience of TTC super stressful - both waiting for the dreaded period to arrive, hoping it wont…. But then when it doesn’t and we finally get that long awaited positive test… the other stresses arrive…
No doubt he’s desperate to be a dad… but this bit in between is torture for you both.

Book a weekend away, don’t make it about TTC, just book somewhere where you can go out and spend time together having fun

And I say that as someone who can emphasise fully x
Ive thankfully never miscarried, but it took me 11 years TTC.
first partner had a terrible sperm count - produced half of what he should and only 10% of that was swimming… so he basically had a 5% sperm count - we were told it was impossible to fall naturally… we went down the heart breaking route of IVF… 4 attempts, 4 negative tests… 4 earth shattering disappointments…
He wouldn’t talk about his feelings, pulled away more each time… he couldn’t or wouldn’t talk about his feelings, couldn’t handle me talking about mine as he felt like a failure… ANYWAY our last attempt failed and I needed a break from all the hormones and hospital visits etc…. And we split up 6 weeks later!
Second partner (who I married) also turned out to have low sperm count, but after a few years of TTC we finally fell…. Had a little girl back in 2010… and TTC again but never happened again.

All I can say, is remember you’re a team, remember to not get lost in TTC.

I think husband is afraid to get his hopes up. Maybe don’t involve him until you have a positive test. That will be one less thing to fight over.

"He was just so upset about the fact that I hadn’t replied to his comment that he didn’t want to engage in any other discussion, no matter what it’s about."

That's going to work great when, your in labour, your newborn is running a temperature, your toddler has had an accident. Unless you are on medication that you have to stop when pregnant, try to calm down the testing.

Both of you need to grow up. Please don't bring a child into your marriage.

On the surface his response seems petty, but it depends. Do you ignore his small talk a lot? Dh tends to do this to me, and I cut him some slack because he’s under a lot of stress at the moment.

But after a while it’s really, really irritating. Like the things he has to say are so much more important, and I’m so boring it doesn’t warrant a response. Sometimes it makes me snap HELLO? HELLO? at him. Which is not dissimilar to ‘Oh look at this lamp’. Maybe you’re so preoccupied that he feels invisible, and this was the straw that broke the donkey’s back.

Have you ever thought maybe he’s scared; he suffered the miscarriages to they were his children too; he’s had to grieve them as well & he’s possibly afraid that if you become pregnant again his heart might be shattered again; I say this from experience we lost our first three children everyone fussed around me but no one asked my husband how he was feeling & when we lost our child at 18 weeks it hit him very hard he was very invested in the pregnancy but no one thought to as if he was ok of course I did but that was different so lightened up on him a little and talk to him watching you go through so much is also going to be hard for him xx

I’m so confused about the calm the testing comments. I only test if my period is late. (It’s now four days late). I had a four month pregnancy so this was the first test since January. I tested in December. Before that I hadn’t tested since early August when I was pregnant. And the years before that I think I tested twice because my period was late.

@ponoka7 I realise he was being incredibly petty in the original post, I’m still bewildered at the completely immature side to him which drives me mad sometimes. But to be fair to him, he was there during labour for our baby boy who died and held my hand during theatre after my placenta got trapped. I was on the ward for five days after my waters broke and he slept on those awful hospital chairs as often as he could during his exams. I sent him home most nights because they are uncomfortable but he was there the whole long night of labour and we both cried when we held our little boy.

I’m sure having a baby with a temperature is stressful as a couple, but so is picking a tiny casket for a much wanted baby and then lowering it into the ground together.

I’m so confused about the calm the testing comments. I only test if my period is late. (It’s now four days late)

I don't understand why you need to test so soon. Can't you wait until your period is 2 weeks overdue? In fact, why not wait until you've missed a second period?

I never used to test (TTC for 11 years) unless I had to (had to test following IVF because back then if positive you had to use pessarys for a couple of weeks I think.

When I was actually pregnant I was 2 weeks late, boobs killing me, skin broke out etc and I felt like shit…. So tested. But I know others just have to know. And I get that too

You’ve been through so much @Weejayy - sorry.
it’s so bloody unfair!

I don’t think you were wrong to test when you did. It’s natural that you’re concerned to check when your period is late, following your previous sad experiences. In fact, I would say that it’s the responsible thing to do.

Have you TTC over a long period? If you have and were able to wait until you missed two periods to do a test, then you have truly formidable self control. I’ve honestly never known anyone who was able to wait that long. I certainly couldn’t.

What if I want to have a drink? I’m also thinking of signing up to clinical research trials that require you not to be pregnant. They’re not long-term, just an overnight trial.

Why would you wait two weeks?

I always used to test early when TTC. I’d rather deal with the disappointment in the privacy of my own home at a time of my choosing when I’d prepared for it than have to face a very much unwanted period arriving when I was out somewhere.

I think @Weejayy that you have a very good approach to testing, testing as soon as your period is late is completely right imho. Crikey there are so many women who seem to start testing daily before their period is even due.

When I was TTC I could never have waited two weeks after my period was due. I don't know anyone who's been trying a long time who is able to wait. 😍
(please excuse this emoji, I can't get rid of it, I've been trying for ages. MN emoji are playing up for me).

Your DH sounds petty, but TTC absolutely brings out the worst in all of us. It took years for my DH and I to recover.

If he isn't usually this weird about you being distracted then I would give him a pass. He could have a lot of fear around pregnancy after what you went through with your hospital stay and loss.

I found online forums a good resource for posting tests I was unsure about. I actually stopped talking about it all with DH because we both got fed up and neither of us reacted to things the way the other wanted and we ended up feeling like breeding machines instead of people. So I found forums where other women were in the same boat and only really shared with DH the facts in a breezy way "it didn't happen this month".

It allowed us to focus on our relationship outside of TTC.

Don't get me wrong, I still occasionally talked about if I was sad etc, but I don't think we realise just how much TTC consumes us when we are in the midst of it.

Sending you baby dust ✨