Anyone else have self absorbed parents and PIL's?

[oldparents]

Over the last 5 years, I've noticed that our parents have become increasingly self absorbed, but just lately this has been in epic, if not rude, proportions!

PIL in particular, have zero interest in our lives, our jobs, our holidays. They are mid 70's and still very fit and healthy. They travel extensively (about 5 times a year). When we see them, they regale us with all of their holiday stories and photo's, but ask nothing about what we have been up to (even if they know we have also been somewhere/had a job change, whatever).

If we talk about anything, this is met with a stare and utter silence when they try to think about how they can make this line of conversation turn back to being about them. For eg. I was telling them recently that our daughter will be travelling to Italy soon and might be getting married. Cue a long stare and silence, and then FIL pipes up "I was in Italy once and........" (followed by a story about his trip to Italy about 10 years ago). No questions asked about daughter, why she's going to Italy, who this man is, where would they live, would she work there .....all the things I am sure that most people would ask.

Semi light hearted, I wondered if anyone else had parents who have morphed into this weird version of themselves? Is it an age thing? I think it must be!

It's such a shame, because our meet up's used to be so much more fun when they were in their 60's (before they got like this).

Very relatable. My friends and I have recently been discussing similar as particularly our mothers have become more self centred. Maybe it’s an age thing. Maybe it’s a covid hangover, when everyone’s lives got smaller?
Or maybe our lives are just dull and uninteresting to them?
My mother tells me about her plans and news and then everyone else’s plans and news before she asks about mine, if she does at all.
Eg. I completed a triathlon recently and she didn’t even mention it until I brought it up myself after 3 hours of chatting including hearing all about her friend’s husband’s operation etc etc.

Yes, it is an age thing. Try to bear in mind (although it's difficult) that they've got far fewer years left on this earth than they have behind them. They could of course live to be 100, but there's no guarantee, and that still only gives them 26 years of life. Much of that won't be quality time or much fun either. Their health, cognitive or physical, could easily fail within the next 5 or 10 years. There's also the certainty that one of them will be left alone sooner rather than later too. If you view it from that angle, it's easier to see why "self absorption" creeps in.

Very relatable, my father has never been particularly interested but now dinners are a me me me slog. I won a major prize at work for which my in laws raised a toast in congratulations at dinner, my father “good, well anyway” and straight back to talking about himself. Worse with both age and without having my mother with us to boot him under the table.

I think also a lot of people have given so much of themselves to other people by that age that they probably do think it’s about time things were about them instead! If you think they’ve brought up children, probably had to help out with their own parents/in-laws and work and other commitments in the community, it’s no wonder some of them spend their later years being more focused on themselves.

I think there's a lot of truth in this. They had years of hearing from their self-absorbed teenagers and young adults who had no interest in what their parents were doing.

My mum is a bit like this. She will ask "how's the girls?" (My two young adult DDs) but after a quick answer she'll go on and on about herself, what she's read on her tablet, what the neighbours are up to etc. she has no interest whatsoever in my life and never asks how I am or what's going on in my life. If I ever mention illness she will have something worse, if not immediately then by the following day. If I should speak to her again within the next two days then she tells me all the same stuff again about herself and the neighbours because she's forgotten she's told me.

Can absolutely relate. If I get a word in edgeways my dad will immediately turn it back to him. I think poor hearing along with loneliness have made it worse (and not having my mum to nudge him). Phonecalls are fine as I can get on with other things. Visits are more tricky though - it's a real shame.

I could have written this about my in-laws.

They do have their moments when they do ask about what's going on in my life and their other relatives lives, but it does revert to 'when I was' stories very quickly.

I find the opposite. I listen for hours to my adult children and they rarely ask anything about me.
Their lives are more stressful than mine.

This is my in-laws. Never ask about my new job, or ask much about the kids, or even show much interest in their own son. We just get told about what their favourite child and grandchildren are up to, or a story about something in their lives that they’ve already told us before. I have perfected the nod and smile.

Gosh, it's so frustrating isn't it? I don't think they realise, how being a sounding board is not much fun!

My MIL is like this and getting worse. Never asks about what I’m doing, talks about herself incessantly. Sometimes complains she doesn’t know what the DC are doing but doesn’t make any attempt to find out by having a conversation as if they tell her something she answers by talking about herself. We find it bemusing, sometimes throw in outright lies to a conversation to see if she listens. We are used to it now but I’m trying to make a mental note to not be like this myself!

I’m the parent in this case . No , I’m all ears for my son and Dil , and my grandkids get my undivided time and attention constantly.

This is my PILs too... it makes our relationship really hard as they therefore know nothing about me, because they've never asked. I've been married to their son for 15 years. They're similarly not interested in the children except in their being their grandchildren, ie their interest feels more conceptual than actual. MIL will want the children at a wider family event, in fact will insist on their attendance, but won't actually speak to them. Last year we missed one such event, and said that we were going to come and stay nearby and spend several days with them instead at another time, so that we could spend quality time with them, but MIL didn't want that. She wanted everyone to have clocked their attendance at the lunch instead.

I have a mother exactly the same, so self absorbed and utterly selfish. Her lack of empathy annoys me. I’m beginning to think she’s neurodivergent.

I used to have a hairdresser that came to the house when I lived at home. She’d sadly lost her baby, he was stillborn at full term, absolutely devastating. My bloody mother piped up that she had a miscarriage and the G.P told her it’s natures way of saying it wasn’t to be! WTAF, I wanted to slap the silly cow, why would anyone say this, truly awful.

On one of the coach holidays she’s been on she watched a woman for 20 minutes having a stroke before alerting anyone, she isn’t wired up. She’s told our hairdresser that she used to be a nurse, she was a HCA, you really wouldn’t want her nursing you, nurse Ratchet comes to mind, my late dad always called her a drama queen, since he’s passed away I see the full extent of it, it’s painful 😖

Yep, it's my in-laws too. It's not about us as their other children and family members, including even my grandparents-in-law have moaned about it. It makes conversation very boring when it's all one way. My mother-in-law was very offended when her parents asked her not to call so often 😆. I think age is part of it as they've definitely got worse over the last few years but in their case, from what I understand from family members, they've always been a bit like that. Age has just amplified it. Honestly I've become quite happy about it because it's led to some truly appalling behaviour that has allowed me to legitimately go no contact with them, with no-one questioning it or suggesting I'm mean. Those who haven't done it yet are jealous 😂. I'm enjoying the freedom of no longer having to be polite or do the work of encouraging family relationships with two very dislikable people!

My father is also like this but he always has been. He is a very clear and obvious case of undiagnosed neurodiversity and my brother and I have spent our entire lives being embarrassed by his behaviour. Fortunately no-one wants anything to do with him and he has become increasingly hermit-like so it's becoming less of a problem over time. If he does start one of his monologues at rare family events, these days everyone tends to just ignore him and start their own conversations over him. It's not a problem as his self-absorption and need to hear his own voice mean he doesn't seem to notice it happening. My mother is not like this at all.

It tends to be criticised as agist here on Mumsnet to suggest something like this is a common result of aging but anecdotal evidence strongly suggests it is. However I believe there must also be an element of personality in it. There are plenty of people who will point out that their parents/other older people they know have escaped this behaviour. Maybe they were just nicer people in the first place.

I'm absolutely dreading being an 'old person'. It's a minefield where offence can be taken at every turn. Ask too much about your family's lives and you're intrusive. Ask too little and you're disinterested. Talk too much and you're boring. Talk too little and you're dull. Have too few interests and you're over dependent. Have too many and you're wrapped up in yourself. No wonder some older people give up trying altogether and just please themselves.

My df was always like this, I was aware of it even as a child and became very frustrated as a teen. I accept it now reluctantly but it has gotten worse with age. He is in his 80s and it's the same stories over and over, usually with him quoting his own 'hilarious' punch line. '..and do you know what i said to him next!!..'. It's either these repeats or details of roadworks in the town or Donald Trump news so on balance I'd prefer the stories because at least he doesn't get worked up. MIL and FIL are not like that, they are interested in our lives, I think, but often don't ask questions or share information so they sit in silence just staring at the kids while they are eating or chatting.

I feel guilty for saying this but I find being around elderly people excruciating. DF monologues and we sit listening, MIL sits in silence staring, FIL sometimes chats but will randomly switch the conversation, I could be telling him about somewhere I went and mid sentence he will turn away and ask DH about a match. It's extremely socially awkward in each case. I love them but feel relieved when we've spent time together cos I'm off the hook for another week or so.

will you all bloody stop with the age thing?

Yep. My MIL is like this. Looks like she’s half listening when we talk, does a quick nod and smile and tinkly laugh, then gives us extensive Shakespearian monologues about her neighbours dentist appointment/her friends daughters dog/distant cousin
once going on a holiday.

Long anecdotes about people we don’t really know, usually mundane stuff, she just likes to hold court and be the one speaking. We’ve usually already heard the story 8 times too.

It’s extremely boring. She’s only mid-60s. I try to avoid her company where possible.

I think it’s right that this time is to focus on themselves but the self absorption at the expense of being interested in others isn’t particularly healthy in my opinion. Why have a family if you can’t feel proud and excited about what they are doing. I think they’re likely missing out if they are too inwardly focused.

Erm... what you've described there is basically the balancing act people do in order to try and be good company and a good conversationalist and be interesting but also interested in others... you've identified tha 'minefield' all of us who care about other people try and navigate, nothing to do with age?

But it IS age though, if these people weren't like this before.

PIL were quite interesting up until early 70's and then seemed to have a personality transplant.

I'm late 50's myself and it's making me vow not to go the same way!

There is only my Dad and DP's Dad left.

Both are pretty obviously ASD - self absorbed, one track mind, gotta stick to routine or their worlds fall apart.

DP's Dad is still very active, out and about doing his hobby (not cycling!) and whilst he won't listen to anyone else at least he tends to have new stories every few weeks - they all centre around how awesome he is at his hobby (and to be fair, he is talented) and how everyone thinks he's great... but at least its new news.

My Dad - having just escaped hospital and returned home when we did not think he would... is a billion times worse than when he went in, he's had people waiting on him hand and foot and now is even more firmly entrenched in the idea that everyone else has nothing to do but entertain him.

He does nothing - TV (reruns of Last of the Summer Wine and Steptoe), Radio (reruns of Hancocks Half Hour and Round the Horne) - goes nowhere but the pub - doesn't LISTEN to anyone and takes zero interest in what anyone is doing...

As a result, he has absolutely fuck all to talk about, but wants to drone on and on, and also wants us to amuse him - no discussion of anything depressing or worrying though! (He totally blanked my sisters heart surgery back in january, pretends I only use a wheelchair because I am lazy.)

He moans on and on that his life is miserable - which it frankly is, but refuses to do anything to help himself whatsoever. I am aware he has dementia but it is at this point just exacerbating personality traits he has always had (he's a toddler in an old mans body and emotionally never got past the age of about 6! His tantrums are legendary amongst those who have known him the better part of his 84 years!)

My patience is wearing extremely thin and it is getting very hard not to be resentful and nasty when he asks for help... All I can think of is 'where were you when I was 16 and begging for your help?' (Home alone when my Mother was sectioned for 6 weeks. Penniless at a residential college local to him, no money for food or laundry. He just said 'well you're your mothers problem, I look after your sister' and that was that!)

But there is nothing to be achieved by throwing that lot at him, he won't remember, if he does he will just tell himself it didn't happen, I am over dramatic, and even if it DID register that he had behaved appallingly, all it would do is make him feel awful and that wouldn't benefit me remotely. The frank and heartfelt apology 'I was wrong and I should not have done that, I am sorry' is never coming.

Sorry that seems rather doom-filled, I don't believe for a second that everyone gets that way when they get older - my partner does some manual jobs for a lady in her 90s and she is an absolute treat. Social, interested in things beyond her personal experiences, funny, kind (and he is basically the 'lad who does maintenance' to her, nothing more).

And yes to the repeated stories!! Dad has been telling the same stories since Circa 1982. It always begins with "Did I ever tell you about the time....." and we say "Yes"", but he finishes regardless. I wonder whether it's because all his funny stories are from the past, and that now he's old, there aren't new stories to feed off. At least with PIL, they are new stories (about travels).