Anyone else have self absorbed parents and PIL's?

[oldparents]

Over the last 5 years, I've noticed that our parents have become increasingly self absorbed, but just lately this has been in epic, if not rude, proportions!

PIL in particular, have zero interest in our lives, our jobs, our holidays. They are mid 70's and still very fit and healthy. They travel extensively (about 5 times a year). When we see them, they regale us with all of their holiday stories and photo's, but ask nothing about what we have been up to (even if they know we have also been somewhere/had a job change, whatever).

If we talk about anything, this is met with a stare and utter silence when they try to think about how they can make this line of conversation turn back to being about them. For eg. I was telling them recently that our daughter will be travelling to Italy soon and might be getting married. Cue a long stare and silence, and then FIL pipes up "I was in Italy once and........" (followed by a story about his trip to Italy about 10 years ago). No questions asked about daughter, why she's going to Italy, who this man is, where would they live, would she work there .....all the things I am sure that most people would ask.

Semi light hearted, I wondered if anyone else had parents who have morphed into this weird version of themselves? Is it an age thing? I think it must be!

It's such a shame, because our meet up's used to be so much more fun when they were in their 60's (before they got like this).

So relatable especially the blank vacant stare. Although I think that’s when they’re assessing whether our news will be something to talk about at the golf club later.

It’s not age related though - they’ve always been this way. When mil met my dps she didn’t know their names, and was quite put out that my dm knew hers. At my wedding, gave out to me because she didn’t know what to tell her relatives when they asked what my profession was. When we fell pregnant with their first gc, fil wound up the conversation with “so you’ve no news then” 🙄

I can relate OP.

My DF, when I walk in my DP's house:
me: Hi Mum...Hi Dad
DF: I've had a letter from XYZ, can you have a look? - he gets up from the chair and hands me said letter and waits expectantly. I turn away...kiss/hug Mum and we have the usual how are you conversation. DF still standing there awaiting my response...🙄

MIL:
My DD (her DGD): I've started driving lessons Grandma...
MIL (interrupts): Oh, gosh, I remember learning to drive.. I did this and I did that...it took me 3 times to pass my test...yadda yadda...

This occurs a lot with my DF; absolutely NO thought to say 'hi canijustsayonething, how are you?' before launching into mountain out of molehill some issue or other.

Likewise with MIL, never asks any questions about how the driving was going, how many lessons she'd had, had she passed the theory yet etc. MIL is like this with ANY conversation with anyone though. No interest with what you've said - only how it relates to her and her experiences. 🙄all very self centred.

So much of this resonates! Our Dad's sound so similar. Not very good when we were growing up, but now needs me and my sister to do everything for him. Self sabotages when he's been given help - always seems to mess things up. We arranged physio for him after a hospital stint - he refused to do it, so now can't walk. Sometimes refuses the carers and then expects someone else to pick up that slack. Sometimes empties all this pills (that are segregated by day) onto the table in a big heap. I think it's so that someone has to then rush over and sort it. So tiring!

Yes we have same. She was excited when my daughter got her college place but it quickly goes back to all about her. Im never asked how I am lol. 80s

Yep. Noticed in the last couple of years that my mum is becoming increasingly self-absorbed. Knows everything about what X, Y, and Z from the pub and their family are up to but then asks me questions like "where do you work again?". She'll tell me the same story over and over . We can be together for a good couple of hours before she'll ask me a starter-for-10 question like "how's work?".

I'm not very good at talking about myself because her behaviour has started to make me think that I'm boring and no one cares about what I have to say, which isn't great.

For her I think part of it might be that her and my step-dad coexist semi-peacefully rather than having a happy relationship in which they care about each other. So she's out of the habit of taking an interest in another person because it's not the default at home.

I am not sure that it's self absorbed to be living their own lives.
Do you want them to be a supporting actor in your life as opposed to the main actor in their own life?

but teenage brains haven’t fully developed do they are excused for being self absorbed. At 70 you either have dementia or you are just socially incompetent

Or living your life.

If you read the posts you’ll see it’s not just being interested in their own lives. It is being rudely and narcissistically being disinterested in anyone else’s life. To be so disinterested that one’s grand daughter is getting married or that your son is having a heart op that you interrupt to talk about your weekly grocery delivery is either mental decline or self absorption.

You can 'live your own life' and still be interested in your loved ones lives though surely? The two things are not mutually exclusive 🤷🏻‍♀️

To counter the “it’s age” point of view, my mother has always been exactly like this; I recognise all that from childhood.

Oh yes, he thinks if he bins the pills or takes the whole days pills at once, someone will rush round there!

All that actually happens if he does that is he's in pain or if he takes them all, he falls asleep more. He tried to wind the carer up by saying he'd taken all his pills the other day, carer was nonchalant and not fussed so he called him a 'useless fuckmonkey' (the carer said that was a new one on him!)...

He's refused point blank to entertain CPAP, getting very dramatic and threatening to shoot himself (an empty threat he has been trying to emotionally blackmail us with for the better part of 40 years. He has no gun nor access to one!) - but moans that he NEVER sleeps properly. He has severe obstructive sleep apnea, I am sure he is very sleep deprived and will feel awful as a result but apparently its not that at all, according to HIM the truth is he has ME and no one cares nor will treat it.

I am another one who has noticed this with my parents and in laws. My MIL it happened a bit later, until mid 70s she was very interested in others. My parents, well mostly my Mum it was late 60s it started. A quick question to the DC and then relate it to something about themselves. They then wonder why my DC disappear off to their rooms when they visit.

Both Grannies used to have great conversations with the DC on how they were doing in sports etc. Now it's just a cursory how are you, only it seems because they feel they have to.

I think a lot depends on the personality. I replied earlier about MILs blank stare with no contributions to conversation but she was always very quiet and never had much to say anyhow, now her life has shrunk due to disability she sadly has nothing to say. She never had friends or hobbies either. My dads eternal monologues I've described above were always there, they are just worse now and painful to listen to. However my Gran who lived into her 90s was always utterly self absorbed, but quick witted and interesting and a great story teller. Even in her 90s with cognitive decline she repeated the same story 100 times and often forget where she was, but she remained interesting and funny and good company. I never minded listening.

The opening post seems to imply some resentment at them enjoying their lives.

I think this is a classic example of the term narcissistic being over used.

My MIL is like this. My DS has just finished his first year at uni, and last time we visited she told us lots of stories about when she was at uni which a) we've heard before and b) took place 65 years ago!

My parents aren't like this at all though. They want to hear all about what me and their DGC are up to.

Wow thanks so much for posting this… I absolutely can relate and thought it was just me!!!
My Dad in particular is now very much like this. I find it infuriating, so much so I dread catching up. We don’t live near each other so only meet up a few times a year, but any time we are in person or on the phone it’s like this for hours on end. I’ve had huge life changes, new jobs, redundancy, a friend passing away, a bit of illness, as well as all the usual nice events and holidays and he literally has not asked me about a single one.
If I do tell him something about my life he will immediately reply with “oh yes, such and such has just had that happen too / has been there too / lost their job too” and then the whole tale becomes about whatever it is that happened to that person I’ve never met or even heard of. Or himself if it’s happened to him.
So so frustrating and exhausting.

My FIL is very much like this.

The last time we saw him he hadn’t seen DS for months. He had barely said hello before he started talking about himself for a good 45 minutes. Then he asked DS something very specific about uni but then interrupted DS in the middle of the first sentence of his reply, to talk about how FIL did that same ‘thing’ when he was younger, and then monologued about it for at least half an hour.

I’ve realised that on the rare occasions he pretends to show any interest in any of us, it’s usually a very pointed question so that he can talk about himself.

We brace ourselves any time we know we’ll be seeing him. it’s exhausting. I take some consolation that it’s not just with us. He’s so loud and bombastic and simply doesn’t care as long as he’s the main character in the room.

Yep, my dad is like this, pretty much all his life, I think he has main character syndrome. Never asks any of his adult children about their lives, totally self absorbed, disinterested until he has a health crisis, then has a mantrum when we don't jump to attention. He never rings me, but expects unquestioning care when he wants it. I'm too old for his nonsense now. I've gone minimal contact.

I recognise all of this!

There are two things that I think contribute to it for my Dad… one is that he doesn’t feel valued or useful since he retired - he liked working as he felt he was of value, now I think he almost has to justify his importance by putting himself at the centre of his own world. (I’m not sure of that explanation makes any sense, but it occurred to me this might be what it is)

Secondly, and unrelated to the above he has been having counselling / therapy for the last few years and I think he has now become accustomed to someone just listening to him for an hour at a time, asking what do you feel about that and so on. Everything in those sessions is about him, and now it’s like he’s forgotten the art of two way conversation.

I try to be supportive and sympathetic to both of the things I’ve outlined above, as he’s obviously not coping well with it, and want him to be able to talk to me about things that are bothering him, but my word it is SO exhausting.

I’ve a relative in her early 50s like this (so not old by any stretch!) but she’s always been self-absorbed to a mind boggling degree. The vast majority of the time spent with her is just her monologuing about the same 5 things she’s been talking about for years!

If you do manage to get a word in, her eyes glaze over and you get the vacant stare others have mentioned upthread. Even if she does ask a question she’ll cut you off mid answer and move onto something else. It’s incredibly tiresome and downright bloody rude.

I’ve never known anyone who wasn’t like this and then suddenly changed when they hit 70 or 80, though.

It's a shame but my in-laws are like this too. Just used to talk about themselves and their holidays or their dance group etc. Very self-absorbed.
My mum is similar, but not as bad - at least she shows an interest in what her GCs are doing.
The one thing I found really sad is the lack of empathy. e.g. our DD (their only GD) had complex seizures as a baby - not even a call to check when she was in hospital. I got pneumonia after an emergency c-section - MIL was staying at the time and said 'it's just a little cold' shortly before I was taken to hospital. DS diagnosed with ASD - they really didn't seem interested.
At Christmas they would deliver the GCs stuff direct from Amazon and ask me to wrap their presents and also write the gift tags from them ... I wouldn't have minded so much but they retired at 50 and had all the time to organise fun grandparenty things compared to me, working full-time with 2 DCs under 5.
Minimal thought over nearly 40 years.
Maybe they were kinder people when they were younger.

Yes my late DF was very much like this. He would never ask any questions about me or my life, my kids etc. If i offered up any info he would just go "hmmm" then turn the conversation back to himself. Definitely not an age thing, he was always like this and was only mid 60s when he passed away. I'm pretty sure he was ND in some way, not just because of this bit there were plenty other signs there.

It's sad that this seems fairly normal. It has happened to me, but my parents have been self-absorbed their whole lives, it's just got slightly worse. I don't have a lot of contact with them and when I do, it's almost as if I no longer exist. I notice it with elderly neighbours, quite a bit. They are the centre of their own little universe and we around them are expected to orbit their needs.

I know people whose parents are so loving and actually interested in their adult children, in including them in their lives in a lovely way. So it's not an inevitability. It's sad when it happens, though.