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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Anyone else have self absorbed parents and PIL's?

185 replies

oldparents · 03/07/2025 11:52

Over the last 5 years, I've noticed that our parents have become increasingly self absorbed, but just lately this has been in epic, if not rude, proportions!

PIL in particular, have zero interest in our lives, our jobs, our holidays. They are mid 70's and still very fit and healthy. They travel extensively (about 5 times a year). When we see them, they regale us with all of their holiday stories and photo's, but ask nothing about what we have been up to (even if they know we have also been somewhere/had a job change, whatever).

If we talk about anything, this is met with a stare and utter silence when they try to think about how they can make this line of conversation turn back to being about them. For eg. I was telling them recently that our daughter will be travelling to Italy soon and might be getting married. Cue a long stare and silence, and then FIL pipes up "I was in Italy once and........" (followed by a story about his trip to Italy about 10 years ago). No questions asked about daughter, why she's going to Italy, who this man is, where would they live, would she work there .....all the things I am sure that most people would ask.

Semi light hearted, I wondered if anyone else had parents who have morphed into this weird version of themselves? Is it an age thing? I think it must be!

It's such a shame, because our meet up's used to be so much more fun when they were in their 60's (before they got like this).

OP posts:
Silsatrip · 04/07/2025 17:47

Just as an example, I was visiting a friend, who was newly widowed in her 30s. So sad.

Then went to my parents, feeling very drained, and got a monologue about what phone they should buy.

I don't know if it's neurodiversity or low emotional intelligence or what. Definitely can't read body language, I was so exhausted.

Dorunrun · 04/07/2025 17:52

oldparents · 03/07/2025 13:26

But it IS age though, if these people weren't like this before.

PIL were quite interesting up until early 70's and then seemed to have a personality transplant.

I'm late 50's myself and it's making me vow not to go the same way!

Exactly!! And hopefully reading all these posts gives us lot the nudge we need to NOT follow in our parents/PIL verbal diarrhoea footsteps 😅

BIossomtoes · 04/07/2025 18:06

Dorunrun · 04/07/2025 17:52

Exactly!! And hopefully reading all these posts gives us lot the nudge we need to NOT follow in our parents/PIL verbal diarrhoea footsteps 😅

Like there’s any choice.

Orangesandlemons77 · 04/07/2025 18:08

Silsatrip · 04/07/2025 17:47

Just as an example, I was visiting a friend, who was newly widowed in her 30s. So sad.

Then went to my parents, feeling very drained, and got a monologue about what phone they should buy.

I don't know if it's neurodiversity or low emotional intelligence or what. Definitely can't read body language, I was so exhausted.

Edited

Yes, I have noticed a lot of going on about something quite small and making decisions, as well

Orangesandlemons77 · 04/07/2025 18:10

Another thing I have found is unrealistic / entitled expectations for example I have chronic illness, and MIL suggested I go round there with my teen son on the bus to do work in her garden (she won't get a gardener as 'doesn't want a man around') including moving heavy garden furniture around. Doesn't really get it, I just kind of ignored it

Funnyduck60 · 04/07/2025 18:24

People become insular after retirement. Mu parents and in laws are the same.

BestifIchangemyname · 04/07/2025 18:56

oldparents · 03/07/2025 13:26

But it IS age though, if these people weren't like this before.

PIL were quite interesting up until early 70's and then seemed to have a personality transplant.

I'm late 50's myself and it's making me vow not to go the same way!

Shit, I'm 74. If it's already happened I'm not self aware enough to have noticed it but I could wake up a total selfish bore tomorrow.
I despise the daily mail so hopefully that will help stave it off for a bit.

Snippit · 04/07/2025 19:09

SereneHare · 04/07/2025 09:11

Oh no, my Mum did something similar on a coach holiday. They were on a stop over and a lady from the coach collapsed near my parents. My Mum stepped over her and went back to the coach. She said there was no point helping her as she couldn't do anything, she's not a doctor. Unbelievable.

A family friend died suddenly a few years ago. My Mum complained that ''we've lost our lift to the airport now''. There's other examples that I'm actually ashamed to type, even though it's not me that said/did it.

I understand how baffling this behaviour is. At first it can look like an insult or being cruel but I'm not sure that's it. It seems to me like complete indifference, devoid of any emotion or intent. As though other people are no more relevant or sentient to them than a dining chair.

I’m with you, it’s annoying and embarrassing and most of all baffling 🤷‍♀️

Gingercatlover · 04/07/2025 20:05

borderlaise · 03/07/2025 23:13

I can say hand on heart that neither of my parents have ever been too interested or too intrusive. One has forgotten I exist and the other can remember a birthday but would never call for a chat or check how I am. I cannot recall either of them saying they love me, in my entire life. Are they horrible people? No. Did they provide for us growing up? Yes. Are they good parents? Not really. Do I want to be a different type of parent? Absolutely.

Exactly the same for me.

strangeandfamiliar · 05/07/2025 17:26

My parents have always been like that, so I don't necessarily think it's an age thing. Self-absorption pretty much sums up their entire approach to life. My in-laws were a decade older, always delightful and a huge contrast. I'm so sad they're no longer with us.

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