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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Anyone else have self absorbed parents and PIL's?

185 replies

oldparents · 03/07/2025 11:52

Over the last 5 years, I've noticed that our parents have become increasingly self absorbed, but just lately this has been in epic, if not rude, proportions!

PIL in particular, have zero interest in our lives, our jobs, our holidays. They are mid 70's and still very fit and healthy. They travel extensively (about 5 times a year). When we see them, they regale us with all of their holiday stories and photo's, but ask nothing about what we have been up to (even if they know we have also been somewhere/had a job change, whatever).

If we talk about anything, this is met with a stare and utter silence when they try to think about how they can make this line of conversation turn back to being about them. For eg. I was telling them recently that our daughter will be travelling to Italy soon and might be getting married. Cue a long stare and silence, and then FIL pipes up "I was in Italy once and........" (followed by a story about his trip to Italy about 10 years ago). No questions asked about daughter, why she's going to Italy, who this man is, where would they live, would she work there .....all the things I am sure that most people would ask.

Semi light hearted, I wondered if anyone else had parents who have morphed into this weird version of themselves? Is it an age thing? I think it must be!

It's such a shame, because our meet up's used to be so much more fun when they were in their 60's (before they got like this).

OP posts:
4naans · 03/07/2025 14:34

Yes my PIL but it's not age they've aways been like it.
Personally I find one sided conversations boring and stressful even if I'm the one talking. What's the point in communication if there's no input from the person you're talking to

movehimintothesun · 03/07/2025 14:42

Very much yes to all of this. My parents are almost exactly as you describe OP. I don’t think my Dad has asked me a single question about my life in about 20 years. And now my Mum, who used to be more interested and chatty, has very much gone the same way 😞.

Commonsense22 · 03/07/2025 14:44

Fortunately w8th my parents it's the opposite. They are less self-centered with age.
The PILs are nice enough when we see them but we have to initiate contact and conversation.

WasThatACorner · 03/07/2025 15:01

I wonder if it's based in a fear of becoming irrelevant? I know I had a similar thing when I was coming to terms with living with disability. My life shrunk and changed quickly and unexpectedly, it knocked my confidence massively and I would 'prep' things to talk about and struggle if people changed the course of the conversation. I was very poor company and yes, quite self-obsessed for quite a while. Obviously aging is more easily anticipated but that doesn't mean that people are ready.

I'm not saying that this is the case for all of the people discussed above but I do feel the PP who got defensive at any suggestion that age may be a factor is doing other's a disservice in the same way that women who "didn't even notice it was going through the menopause" etc don't help women in general to be heard and supported.

4pmwinetimebebeh · 03/07/2025 15:04

5128gap · 03/07/2025 13:12

I'm absolutely dreading being an 'old person'. It's a minefield where offence can be taken at every turn. Ask too much about your family's lives and you're intrusive. Ask too little and you're disinterested. Talk too much and you're boring. Talk too little and you're dull. Have too few interests and you're over dependent. Have too many and you're wrapped up in yourself. No wonder some older people give up trying altogether and just please themselves.

Or just behave like a normal adult and you'll be fine..?

CatHairEveryWhereNow · 03/07/2025 15:13

LeavesTrees · 03/07/2025 12:40

I think also a lot of people have given so much of themselves to other people by that age that they probably do think it’s about time things were about them instead! If you think they’ve brought up children, probably had to help out with their own parents/in-laws and work and other commitments in the community, it’s no wonder some of them spend their later years being more focused on themselves.

I wondered if it was this with Dmum - plus her social circle is very small. Though TBF she asks about the DGC - just not always interested in even very short answers.

IL have always been a bit this way - it's just getting slowly more and more as they age. Though also wonder if 6+ years into retirement- their social circle has slowly but steadily declined as people lose touch depite them making huge efforts to have social groups.

In both case there lots of information about people we just don't know - a few with Dmum I feel like I should do even though never met - with IL get heavily confused as does DH.

5128gap · 03/07/2025 15:25

4pmwinetimebebeh · 03/07/2025 15:04

Or just behave like a normal adult and you'll be fine..?

If only there was a consensus of opinion on what 'normal' looks like, you might be on to something. Sadly, it tends to be subjective, variable and dicated by the preferences of the younger people in the situation. Which is kind of my point.

GardenGaff · 03/07/2025 15:34

RubyFlax · 03/07/2025 14:27

I recognise all of this!

There are two things that I think contribute to it for my Dad… one is that he doesn’t feel valued or useful since he retired - he liked working as he felt he was of value, now I think he almost has to justify his importance by putting himself at the centre of his own world. (I’m not sure of that explanation makes any sense, but it occurred to me this might be what it is)

Secondly, and unrelated to the above he has been having counselling / therapy for the last few years and I think he has now become accustomed to someone just listening to him for an hour at a time, asking what do you feel about that and so on. Everything in those sessions is about him, and now it’s like he’s forgotten the art of two way conversation.

I try to be supportive and sympathetic to both of the things I’ve outlined above, as he’s obviously not coping well with it, and want him to be able to talk to me about things that are bothering him, but my word it is SO exhausting.

FIL has definitely got much worse in retirement but it’s just exacerbated this side of him rather than it being a complete personality change.

He has to be absolutely right about everything too, so we don’t even bother correcting or arguing with him about anything now because it’s not a conversation or an exchange of information, it’s him getting louder, visibly angry and even verbally hostile until the other party gives up. Even when it’s proved he’s wrong he still somehow twists things so in his own mind he’s right.

It’s his world and we’re all just bit-part players in it.

LoveFreshSheets · 03/07/2025 15:41

Absolutely 100% hear you on this.
My Mum never asks me anything about my life. If I tell her anything I’ve been up to she just doesn’t hear it and talks about herself 😵‍💫
Shes completely self absorbed 😏

Toucanfusingforme · 03/07/2025 15:41

There are some harsh comments here aimed at older people. I speak as someone in their sixties. My DM lived until her 90s and remained interested in the family, but found actually seeing them in her latter years hard work - hearing problems, mobility problems etc stressed her.
Even now I find life takes more effort than it did in 40s/50s, so a bit more of my energy is focused on my functioning. I am still very interested in my kids lives, am involved with them and know/ask what’s going on, but I can see how that diminishes with age and less energy. Face it vipers, it’s part of aging (at least for a large proportion of the population) and you’ll likely do it too. You’ll just be on gransnet complaining that your kids and grandkids are self absorbed and glaze over when you talk to them about your life………!

Redpeach · 03/07/2025 15:44

oldparents · 03/07/2025 12:59

Gosh, it's so frustrating isn't it? I don't think they realise, how being a sounding board is not much fun!

Maybe they feel the same

OldPineTrees · 03/07/2025 15:45

I was going to go with aging but actually I think it's a small world thing.
The fifty something teachers in the family have been working at the same school now for 20 years and their friends and holidays are all of a type. Both have a newish hobby of which both are equally absorbed. DH &I are happy to have learnt a lot about the hobbies, the curriculum changes and centre parcs through the ages. I don't know when this info will come in handy but I always like a window into another world. But it's like their world is so small they will never want a window into ours. Their friends aren't interested, it won't help their teaching practice and they already have next year's destination and holiday no negotiables worked out.
DH had a celebration event and they couldn't even sit back and listen to that without muttering about their own jobs.
I occasionally have the coolest job on the planet which I generally have to pour water over to calm down the wow factor. There's months of tedious admin, but they never ask and mostly interrupt if I mention anything that normal people just get over excited over.

We drive away with mixed feelings, are they happier this way? More content? It certainly makes them tedious company and its rather put us off their hobbies.

alloutofcareunits · 03/07/2025 16:02

SparklyGlitterballs · 03/07/2025 12:45

My mum is a bit like this. She will ask "how's the girls?" (My two young adult DDs) but after a quick answer she'll go on and on about herself, what she's read on her tablet, what the neighbours are up to etc. she has no interest whatsoever in my life and never asks how I am or what's going on in my life. If I ever mention illness she will have something worse, if not immediately then by the following day. If I should speak to her again within the next two days then she tells me all the same stuff again about herself and the neighbours because she's forgotten she's told me.

This made me laugh when you mentioned the “tablet” much of my 83 year old mother’s conversations are about what was “on the iPad” (doesn’t know if she was on Facebook, email, website) or “they say” which usually means she hears it on Loose Women 🙄. However, it keeps her engaged in the world, but I totally get the self absorption. A few years ago I was told I was being made redundant, I told her and she said “oh dear, anyway, my new bedroom drawers came and the handles don’t match the ones on the bigger set!! Have a look!” …….

Sugardown · 03/07/2025 16:05

Were these in-laws ever pleasant and considerate OP?

CuteOrangeElephant · 03/07/2025 16:08

OldPineTrees · 03/07/2025 15:45

I was going to go with aging but actually I think it's a small world thing.
The fifty something teachers in the family have been working at the same school now for 20 years and their friends and holidays are all of a type. Both have a newish hobby of which both are equally absorbed. DH &I are happy to have learnt a lot about the hobbies, the curriculum changes and centre parcs through the ages. I don't know when this info will come in handy but I always like a window into another world. But it's like their world is so small they will never want a window into ours. Their friends aren't interested, it won't help their teaching practice and they already have next year's destination and holiday no negotiables worked out.
DH had a celebration event and they couldn't even sit back and listen to that without muttering about their own jobs.
I occasionally have the coolest job on the planet which I generally have to pour water over to calm down the wow factor. There's months of tedious admin, but they never ask and mostly interrupt if I mention anything that normal people just get over excited over.

We drive away with mixed feelings, are they happier this way? More content? It certainly makes them tedious company and its rather put us off their hobbies.

My mum is a teacher and she can pretty much only talk about her job. Its extremely tedious. Literally every conversation will lead to her talking about her kids at school.

It's getting worse as she is aging too.

Summerevenimgchill · 03/07/2025 16:08

YES.

My in laws are so selfish and self absorbed. They are mid 60s, retired, and in perfect health. They go on several holidays a year, they live in a large house with several bedrooms and are well off. They have absolutely zero interest in us. I don’t think they would even know how old our dc are or what schools they go to. I don’t think they know what I do for a job.

We hardly see them anymore tbh. Every time I’d try to tell them anything about our dc they’d just change the subject and start talking about themselves and what renovations they were doing to their house or about their neighbours cousins friend who died.

We asked them to babysit once and mil got out her diary and said that they couldn’t fit us in for about 12 weeks and had no weekends free for 6 months.

fanmepls · 03/07/2025 16:14

A lot of defensive posts on the thread 😆

I do think it's an age thing but don't really understand it. Why wouldn't you be interested in your dc or gc more not less, surely they are more interesting then your neighbours cousins big toe!

oldparents · 03/07/2025 16:15

Sugardown · 03/07/2025 16:05

Were these in-laws ever pleasant and considerate OP?

Actually yes. Always been a bit selfish, but they could be interesting and better than one dimensional. It's definitely changed with age. They have more money now than before, and the conversation often turns to how expensive things are that they have treated themselves to. Even if there are people in the room on minimum wage. Everything they buy or do now, is "The Best Of The Best", and you will be made to know so.

OP posts:
Wheezygonzalez · 03/07/2025 16:15

Yes! OP I could’ve written this post. My Mum is like this.

Me and DP live a few hours away so most catching up is done by phone and I honestly feel so drained and annoyed after every call.

I swear she knows less about me and more about their neighbours, some random ex teacher from my Primary school’s daughter, the current gardener’s holiday plans and other people just called ‘Sue’ or ‘Dave’ mentioned so matter of fact like they are good friends of the family!

DM: Sue’s just got a dog
Me:… Who’s Sue?
DM: You know Sue?… Mrs Jones from school!
Me: ???…
DM: Mrs. Jones? Her daughter was in your year.
Me: …
DM: Yes Becky, was it, Becky Jones!
Me: She was in the year above
DM: Ah well anyway I saw her in Waitrose on Saturday and she was telling me about her new dog she got. Ohhh it’s such a faff, she can’t cope, it’s barking all the time and you know she suffers from migraines anyway and Becky had just got married and is on their honeymoon so they can’t help … and on….and on …and on …

I don’t know these people I really couldn’t care!

It’s also upsetting that she clearly listens to other people’s stories to know the ins and outs of other people’s lives. I could put the phone down, go for a walk around the block, come back, pick the phone up again and she wouldn’t know I was gone because she doesn’t. Pause. For. Breath.

It was very apparent playing those ‘who knows the Bride to be best’ type games at my sister’s Hen Do that she knew the least about my sister, her DD!!

It’s exhausting. I’m glad I’ve vented. Thanks OP 😂

Sugardown · 03/07/2025 16:16

oldparents · 03/07/2025 16:15

Actually yes. Always been a bit selfish, but they could be interesting and better than one dimensional. It's definitely changed with age. They have more money now than before, and the conversation often turns to how expensive things are that they have treated themselves to. Even if there are people in the room on minimum wage. Everything they buy or do now, is "The Best Of The Best", and you will be made to know so.

Well this is more unpleasant than self absorbed
Either way, they sound deeply unappealing people and I can’t imagine them every being people I’d have been keen to be in their company

fanmepls · 03/07/2025 16:17

I think also a lot of people have given so much of themselves to other people by that age that they probably do think it’s about time things were about them instead!

🤔😆

ShoeeMcfee · 03/07/2025 16:17

My mum was always like this, too. She couldn't even tell you what my degree was called, and this was years ago. She's just not interested in her daughters. Her sons, however, are little Kings and Wonderful in every Way.

I just keep telling my grown up kids 'Please just tell me to shut the hell up if I start with the same old boring stories you've all heard before', and I try to actively not bring myself into all conversations. It must be an age thing, tbf, because sometimes it's a real temptation to offer my own experience of something under discussion, and I have to think 'this conversation isn't about you'.

DownsideUpside · 03/07/2025 16:18

LadyDanburysHat · 03/07/2025 13:57

I am another one who has noticed this with my parents and in laws. My MIL it happened a bit later, until mid 70s she was very interested in others. My parents, well mostly my Mum it was late 60s it started. A quick question to the DC and then relate it to something about themselves. They then wonder why my DC disappear off to their rooms when they visit.

Both Grannies used to have great conversations with the DC on how they were doing in sports etc. Now it's just a cursory how are you, only it seems because they feel they have to.

Yep we visit my mother once a week on a Wednesday after school and she barely speaks to the kids anymore, even insists we sit in a different room so we can chat (about her friends, uncles I barely remember, a long story about taking something back to the shops) and then occasionally glances in the other room at the kids and laughs that they’re always on devices.
She used to play with them? Now they’re just bored!

Barely asks about anything the kids have been up, how I am, but tells me all about next door’s holiday plans.
It’s not selfish in a mean way, she’s perfectly nice, it’s just very dismissive of anything not her-related.

I know some MN posters shout ageism when it’s suggested anything is age-related but she never used to be like this. It’s not because she’s older but I do think getting older is relevant here. It is a factor. I don’t know anyone my age who talks like this.
That said I have an 88 year old great auntie who is a great conversationalist and shows interest in everyone else. Yes she repeats the same old stories but it’s not in the same self absorbed way.

AnotherDawn · 03/07/2025 16:19

Yes. And I just don't get it. I think I've made a rod for my own back though as I've always been a people pleaser and a good listener. But, my God the tedium of listening to non stop monologues on their latest health condition, and the smallest details of their nondescript life is enough to drive you potty. It's the lack of self awareness I don't understand - how can they possibly think someone wants to be talked AT for literally hours non stop and that it's ok to never ask a question or show any interest in the other person? I've given up with trying to interject with my own news as it's met with compete silence and straight back to their own favourite topic of conversation - themselves. After the latest round of this nonsense I've realised I really don't have the patience anymore to spend extended amounts of time with them, it bores me and depresses me in equal measure. I'm left feeling like I just don't matter and utterly depleted of energy. Don't they say some people are radiators whilst others are drains? Guess I know which one they are. It's not an age thing either, they've always been like this.

fanmepls · 03/07/2025 16:20

I know some MN posters shout ageism when it’s suggested anything is age-related but she never used to be like this.

There is a real reluctance to acknowledge that people change as they age however the average MNs user is 50/60 so I suppose that is to be expected.