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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Anyone else have self absorbed parents and PIL's?

185 replies

oldparents · 03/07/2025 11:52

Over the last 5 years, I've noticed that our parents have become increasingly self absorbed, but just lately this has been in epic, if not rude, proportions!

PIL in particular, have zero interest in our lives, our jobs, our holidays. They are mid 70's and still very fit and healthy. They travel extensively (about 5 times a year). When we see them, they regale us with all of their holiday stories and photo's, but ask nothing about what we have been up to (even if they know we have also been somewhere/had a job change, whatever).

If we talk about anything, this is met with a stare and utter silence when they try to think about how they can make this line of conversation turn back to being about them. For eg. I was telling them recently that our daughter will be travelling to Italy soon and might be getting married. Cue a long stare and silence, and then FIL pipes up "I was in Italy once and........" (followed by a story about his trip to Italy about 10 years ago). No questions asked about daughter, why she's going to Italy, who this man is, where would they live, would she work there .....all the things I am sure that most people would ask.

Semi light hearted, I wondered if anyone else had parents who have morphed into this weird version of themselves? Is it an age thing? I think it must be!

It's such a shame, because our meet up's used to be so much more fun when they were in their 60's (before they got like this).

OP posts:
DownsideUpside · 03/07/2025 18:47

Goldusty · 03/07/2025 16:54

Self-absorbed baby boomers too busy trying to still 'find who they really are' ...my grandparents were so very different and so much less entitled. Sad really.

Young people are wired to be self obsessed though. It’s a developmental phase. Is it the same when you hit 65?! No, it’s a choice after a certain age.

DownsideUpside · 03/07/2025 19:00

Goldusty · 03/07/2025 16:54

Self-absorbed baby boomers too busy trying to still 'find who they really are' ...my grandparents were so very different and so much less entitled. Sad really.

I do think it is a “boomer” thing. I’m usually not a typical boomer-bashing millennial but can it be a coincidence?!
Older relatives eg my great aunt 88, aren’t like this. My friend has a grandad 91 who is lovely and chatty despite having a very small world, low mobility and hardly any eyesight.
But it seems to be mine and all my friend’s parents who are around the 65-75 mark, generally well off and have a good social life after retirement, seemingly oblivious to the fact that their adult children don’t really want to hear about uncle Dave’s upcoming wisdom tooth extraction for the 3rd week in a row or that when a child wins at sports day they want to talk about their achievements not hear about how next door’s son is a marathon runner actually. It’s just a bit tone deaf.

I don’t see how you can be so uninterested in other people’s lives like your children and grandchildren but expect them to be interested in the lives of uncle Dave and next door’s son??

DownsideUpside · 03/07/2025 19:01

DownsideUpside · 03/07/2025 18:47

Young people are wired to be self obsessed though. It’s a developmental phase. Is it the same when you hit 65?! No, it’s a choice after a certain age.

Sorry @Goldusty I quoted the wrong post here. It was meant in reply to the person who said Gen Z are the most self obsessed people they know. @Boomer55

“It makes me laugh. The most self absorbed people I know are my Gen Z grandchildren.”

SharpLily · 03/07/2025 19:56

WitchOfSomorrostro · 03/07/2025 17:49

I'll be like that. Well I already am, but being just slightly more than half your PIL's age - I mask it better. But it's getting increasingly difficult with age.

For me, it's because all their shit is...dull. I. Just. Don't. Care. I fake it, and make appropriate noises, but sometimes I just can't anymore.

I want to talk about interesting things. Discuss politics, global events, war, one issue or the other, talk art, books, cinema, traveling, etc. Not 'oh today at work my colleague said this, can you imagine, and then she did this, how dare she, that cow and then...'. Or listening about 'it's been buzzing in my ear (for the past fucking 30 years!) and what could it be I wonder, maybe I should this and that'. And all the mundane crap like that. Where did you go today, what did you do, who did you speak to, what did they say, what did you buy, yadda yadda yadda. It's tedious!

My parents are not elderly, frail, ill people. Mum's not 60 yet, dad's 61.

Or yea - I got a new job. Well congrats! What's the job? This and that. Oh ok, wish you well. That's it, 2 mins. What's there to talk about? I don't want to hear you droning about it in detail, if it's not my field.

I don't go on about mundanities of my life in detail to anyone and don't want to listen about others'. Something INTERESTING happened - great - tell me about it!! All ears. Not everyday bullshit. I'm not saying I live a high flying life full of adventure. No. I do plenty of boring regular stuff. But I don't want to talk about it.

But tbh my (potential/future) granddaughters wedding in Italy - now that would definitely be interesting and worth discussing, for sure.

This isn't what we're complaining about though, is it? You point out that you don't go on about the mundanities of your own life where the issue most of us have is that these people aren't interested in the lives of their own family they actually are happy to drone on for ages about random people we'ver never met and have no reason to have any interest in. Not that they're making conversation about interesting things that you mention, that's exactly what they're not talking about. It's a completely different situation.

Orangesandlemons77 · 03/07/2025 20:19

OVienna · 03/07/2025 17:06

It's interesting you post this.

My mum has narc traits. In recent years her stories have become very repetitive - negative and nasty stories about relatives, generally. For people saying don't be ageist - I cannot decide if this is the start of sort of dementia in some ways so I do feel like I have to assess it in this context.

If the stories aren't of this nature, the conversation is about her in one way or another, she has a habit of centering herself in things generally. If I'm upset about something that happened to me, she'll often cut me off and say "But xyz me, I feel, I never had, this happened etc" and I have recently had to say outright: "This is not about you, for once I am talking about my experience!" That did shut her up. I have a cousin who was wrestling with a possible cancer diagnosis - thankfully it was benign. Instead of focusing on that, she was bitching about the fact she'd stayed in a nice hotel the night before the biopsy. I'd had enough and completely pulled her up on it. Can you imagine grumbling about someone having a martini after they'd just been told they don't have ovarian cancer?!

Oh, this reminds me of elderly MIL. I'd been in hospital getting checked for possible heart problems and all she could go on about was that I had got a taxi home and how much it had cost...

Ilitetallycantrememberanythinganymore · 03/07/2025 20:28

My DM is exactly like this. Every conversation is about her. I think that middle class baby boomers are most like this. Had fairly easy lives, enough money,had kids younger so more time to enjoy life and are now finding life harder in their 70s. Also.a lot of women in that age group didn't work a lot or had high earning husband's who did everything for them and now they can't cope. They have no understanding about life now and how much harder it is. I speak to DM less and less. It's sad.

BernardButlersBra · 03/07/2025 20:36

My mum 100%, she is so so oblivious and it's like the small children / working hard phase never existed. She is regularly confused why l am burned out and tired (she has never cared for my children or even changed a nappy). Also thinks lm always at home and available for her spontaneous requests, then is peeved when l say lm busy (l work full time and have 2 toddlers so life is a little busy!). She can't engage meaningfully at all, we had a fair amount of IVF to have children. I tell her our 2nd cycle had failed, she literally resounds with "sorry to hear that. Pete and Gillian went for a new garage door in black rather than red and it looks much better!"

My in-laws then no, they are engaged and empathic. The age gap is about 18 months so l don't think it's an age thing. I think it's a personality thing and living on your own, you get hyper absorbed on your own needs and fail to compromise. It's a fucking nightmare and makes me want to avoid her like the plague. Even with gentle challenging then she goes berserk

BernardButlersBra · 03/07/2025 20:46

largeprintagathachristie · 03/07/2025 13:53

To counter the “it’s age” point of view, my mother has always been exactly like this; I recognise all that from childhood.

Edited

Same. My mum has always been like this to a degree but has just got way worse

Barneysmomma · 03/07/2025 20:51

My older brother has always been like this - talking over me, refusing to have a "conversation " only talking at me and not interested in my life. Our late mum was the same but it's funny you don't necessarily see these things until later.
Now he's started being nasty about our cousin as he doesn't agree with her choices for example where to go on holiday so therefore she's wrong.
Is this narc behaviour ? I find it so depressing and actively try to be nothing like this.

Titasaducksarse · 03/07/2025 20:53

I've encountered it more with strangers than parents. Actually people on holiday.

My partner and I turned it into a game realising some people literally have zero interest in you and it's all about them. One holiday we repeatedly met people who never asked a single question about us.

I often wonder do these people leave the conversation and reflect that they learnt nothing about us. Of course not! They don't care as they're so self absorbed.

In the past I used to try to interject...nowadays I can't be bothered and let them talk about themselves at length.

Titasaducksarse · 03/07/2025 20:57

Orangesandlemons77 · 03/07/2025 20:19

Oh, this reminds me of elderly MIL. I'd been in hospital getting checked for possible heart problems and all she could go on about was that I had got a taxi home and how much it had cost...

You've just reminded me. I was due to visit mother but cancelled as has first ever bout of vertigo. Home alone and actually MIL came to see me which was kind.

Own mother, no empathy just whittered on about being stressed out worrying who'd I'd got in to rent some land I own next to her. All about her and how mistreated this farmer had been...i actually said 'ffs have you heard yourself '. She's got dementia now so I just let her whitter on.

Canijustsayonething · 03/07/2025 21:09

OVienna · 03/07/2025 17:06

It's interesting you post this.

My mum has narc traits. In recent years her stories have become very repetitive - negative and nasty stories about relatives, generally. For people saying don't be ageist - I cannot decide if this is the start of sort of dementia in some ways so I do feel like I have to assess it in this context.

If the stories aren't of this nature, the conversation is about her in one way or another, she has a habit of centering herself in things generally. If I'm upset about something that happened to me, she'll often cut me off and say "But xyz me, I feel, I never had, this happened etc" and I have recently had to say outright: "This is not about you, for once I am talking about my experience!" That did shut her up. I have a cousin who was wrestling with a possible cancer diagnosis - thankfully it was benign. Instead of focusing on that, she was bitching about the fact she'd stayed in a nice hotel the night before the biopsy. I'd had enough and completely pulled her up on it. Can you imagine grumbling about someone having a martini after they'd just been told they don't have ovarian cancer?!

This is another thing I find. My DP's often slag off neighbours or family members. I think it's because their own lives are so dull and boring, they over-invest in others' lives and revel, sneer and rub their hands with glee in people's mis-fortune. A very unpleasant hobby.

Sugardown · 03/07/2025 21:12

Canijustsayonething · 03/07/2025 21:09

This is another thing I find. My DP's often slag off neighbours or family members. I think it's because their own lives are so dull and boring, they over-invest in others' lives and revel, sneer and rub their hands with glee in people's mis-fortune. A very unpleasant hobby.

I think it is because they’re unpleasant people
always were
always will be

Orangesandlemons77 · 03/07/2025 21:16

Another trait I have found is they can rant on about things again and again, MIL does this about 'people coming into the country' I think it sounds racist but just try and ignore it.

Sugardown · 03/07/2025 21:17

Orangesandlemons77 · 03/07/2025 21:16

Another trait I have found is they can rant on about things again and again, MIL does this about 'people coming into the country' I think it sounds racist but just try and ignore it.

You see I wouldn’t have my children around people like this.

Orangesandlemons77 · 03/07/2025 21:20

Sugardown · 03/07/2025 21:17

You see I wouldn’t have my children around people like this.

Mine are teens and not usually around to listen to it but I know what you mean. I would pull her up on it if she started in front of them.

Canijustsayonething · 03/07/2025 21:22

Sugardown · 03/07/2025 21:12

I think it is because they’re unpleasant people
always were
always will be

Ah v true for my DF. He's always been a shite person to others.

Sugardown · 03/07/2025 21:23

Orangesandlemons77 · 03/07/2025 21:20

Mine are teens and not usually around to listen to it but I know what you mean. I would pull her up on it if she started in front of them.

So it’s a recent development ?

I couldn’t and wouldn’t be around someone like this

Orangesandlemons77 · 03/07/2025 21:27

Sugardown · 03/07/2025 21:23

So it’s a recent development ?

I couldn’t and wouldn’t be around someone like this

It does seem to be more since she has got into her 80s. It seems like her 'filter' has gone. She will do things like talk about people sitting near us in a cafe as well, which can be difficult. Not in a racist way but in general about their appearance, what they are eating etc.

Leaningcactus · 03/07/2025 21:38

I'm not sure it's an age thing. I have a dm and dsis like this. Sometimes I wonder why I got such selfish relatives then I thank god I'm nothing like them. They've no interest in you, then complain if you don't visit. It's like a weird kind of jealousy.

FoxInABox · 03/07/2025 21:49

This thread reasonates so much! Both my DM,DF and FIL are the same. I’m sick of feeling like I’m interviewing them- it’s not a conversation any more as they are only interested when it’s what they want to talk about. I remember a few years back we were going on an amazing holiday that we had saved so hard for, our young DC were so excited, me & the DC bumped in to DF the day before we left and I was saying how excited we all were. His reply - blank stare then told me he had never much thought anything of that destination. Then changed the subject to places he had been.

mathanxiety · 03/07/2025 21:55

Are they getting a little deaf? Did they hear all the details of your news? Your ILs may have heard 'Italy' but very little else may have registered, especially if they couldn't immediately remember who your daughter is.

Since they used to be much more conversational, and would have had lots of questions a decade ago, I suspect it isn't because they were brought up to never appear nosy or ask personal questions.

I'd put this down to a combination of hearing loss and memory not as sharp as it was a few years ago.

Birdh0use · 03/07/2025 22:29

I feel like all my family are like this. My job also involves listening to people and I am good at it. But ffs, would 1 person ever ask me how was my day......

Lemonandlime123 · 03/07/2025 22:38

My MIL is like this. Many years ago I asked her to babysit my DD for the first time, who was just a few months old, so I could attend my Grandad’s funeral. When I picked her up afterwards the funeral wasn’t mentioned, no condolences offered .. she just went on about the great day they’d had!

Now I don’t bother to ask her any questions, so I just wait until she makes conversation.

Rosepalmaviolets · 03/07/2025 22:49

My in laws have always been like this, they may ask the dc one question then it reverts straight back to the themselves.
I've never met such incredibly self centered people