Anyone else have self absorbed parents and PIL's?

[oldparents]

Over the last 5 years, I've noticed that our parents have become increasingly self absorbed, but just lately this has been in epic, if not rude, proportions!

PIL in particular, have zero interest in our lives, our jobs, our holidays. They are mid 70's and still very fit and healthy. They travel extensively (about 5 times a year). When we see them, they regale us with all of their holiday stories and photo's, but ask nothing about what we have been up to (even if they know we have also been somewhere/had a job change, whatever).

If we talk about anything, this is met with a stare and utter silence when they try to think about how they can make this line of conversation turn back to being about them. For eg. I was telling them recently that our daughter will be travelling to Italy soon and might be getting married. Cue a long stare and silence, and then FIL pipes up "I was in Italy once and........" (followed by a story about his trip to Italy about 10 years ago). No questions asked about daughter, why she's going to Italy, who this man is, where would they live, would she work there .....all the things I am sure that most people would ask.

Semi light hearted, I wondered if anyone else had parents who have morphed into this weird version of themselves? Is it an age thing? I think it must be!

It's such a shame, because our meet up's used to be so much more fun when they were in their 60's (before they got like this).

But clearly lots of them out there.

Surely it's like most things in life and you just want balance?

I can say hand on heart that neither of my parents have ever been too interested or too intrusive. One has forgotten I exist and the other can remember a birthday but would never call for a chat or check how I am. I cannot recall either of them saying they love me, in my entire life. Are they horrible people? No. Did they provide for us growing up? Yes. Are they good parents? Not really. Do I want to be a different type of parent? Absolutely.

I once phoned my parents to tell them the dog had died. I was obviously very upset. Mum apparently was watching Tipping Point, my dad said he’d see if she was available. I think we didn’t speak for some weeks. Crazy.

I must have been lucky, neither of my late PILs were like this, neither my own parents. I’d struggle to cope with it to be honest.

I'm 70 and first responder for older neighbours in their late 80s. One of the couple has dementia but not horrendously so. I've noticed over the last year that when I go round there's an absolute barrage of one-sided chat from the one who is fine and it's increased over time. I put it down to not being able to talk to their life's partner and leading a more circumscribed life due to caring responsibilities.

Eventually the flow abates and I'm able to ask questions and get some back to me so I can see they're otherwise OK as well as have a more balanced conversation, so in their case it's not directly age-related, i.e their personality is unchanged.

I live on my own and can go for days without having conversation, though lots of texting with DD and WhatsApp friends and rels. Not the same though.

This thread has made me think, and my money's on basic personality + isolation + the consciousness that your time is running out, though it doesn't explain every case on this thread.

The saddest is that being this boring and self-interested is really bad for the ageing brain.

Socialising is proven to keep the mind active, but monologuing at your unfortunate family doesn’t count. Neither does endless me drivel. You need to take an interest and ping-pong in proper two-way conversation. Then maintain it.

Well, care homes beckon for the selfish.

Sounds like my DH (but he's autistic)

My mother was always monumentally self absorbed for a s long as I can remember. By her own admission she was the spoilt indulged youngest, born in 1950. Her parents suddenly had more money when she was a teen as my grandfather started earning more at a time when her two older sisters had moved out when they got married.

She took this into marriage, and my father was well aware he was punching when she married him, so also indulged her. Whenever he said no to her WWIII erupted.

So that was always there. Both of these things have definitely increased. But is it age due to simply ageing or is it age as in these habits have simply become so ingrained?

Her being utterly self absorbed and him giving his all, not only to her but to his DD's and his GC is not new but it really has got more and more noticeable in the last ten years or so. It also coincided with her retiring and him needing more care due to losing his hearing and sight in a short time. I became his carer and yet seem to spend more time doing things for her despite her being more than capable of doing things for herself.

I dont think she is narcissistic, an overused term imo, just doesnt give other people a single thought.

That’s really sad OP. My parents both died in 2022 but we were all so close. I don’t think your experience is normal at all unfortunately.

To mix things up a bit, I can say that my parents and MIL are all nearing 80 and are not remotely like this. They are all still doing interesting things with their lives, though my dad’s health is forcing him to slow down a bit. They will all happily tell you what they’re up to, but are keen to hear what everyone else is up to. They’re mainly keen to celebrate exciting achievements of the grandkids, from passing an exam to baking some biscuits, they’re completely here for it. I remember my grandmas being the same about me and my sister growing up.

Not meaning to brag, just thought it was worth sharing a counter example. It’s not all old people. I’m sad so many people are finding this sort of thing is affecting their relationship with their parents.

Actually I think this is probably it.

I’m approaching 57 and, having lost both parents recently, am strangely disconnected but also contented too, whilst obviously grieving.

The loss of my parents was absolutely seismic, but the only positive from that experience was that it almost immediately gave me an absolute razor sharp focus on what was important to me - so much literally effervesced in the days after my second parent passed away.

Having said that, I adore my two almost adult children, and couldn’t imagine not being interested in their lives.

LeavesTrees · Yesterday 12:40
I think also a lot of people have given so much of themselves to other people by that age that they probably do think it’s about time things were about them instead! If you think they’ve brought up children, probably had to help out with their own parents/in-laws and work and other commitments in the community, it’s no wonder some of them spend their later years being more focused on themselves.

I was just going to write the same thing. Even now in my sixties I find I don’t have as much bandwidth for the ins and outs of other people’s lives, even sometimes close family members.

It’s not that I don’t love them or that I’m not interested, and I hope I am not as self-centred and insensitive as some of the examples cited on this thread, it’s just that having worked and parented for thirty years, I am tired and have less energy to engage.

And as this will probably be my last decade of really active life, and the first time in over 25 years when I won’t be facilitating everyone else’s activities, I’m more focused on myself for now. I know that will sound selfish to some but honestly when you reach this point, you are desperate for some inner peace and freedom to focus on your own stuff finally.

Btw, I don’t think self-centredness can be related specifically to one age group. I mix with quite a few adults in their mid-twenties to mid-thirties who are friends of my children and I have yet to experience one of them asking me a question about my life, despite me hosting them and providing lots of free meals and accommodation.

I wonder if some of it is not listening/remembering. Especially after years of teenagers refusing to 'chat' or answer questions maybe some parents lose the will to ask personal questions or remember the answer?
Most of my older relatives were not like this, though.

No. Stages occur throughout life: baby stages, toddler stages, pre-teen and adolescent stages. Mid-life and old age also had stages. People whingeing about ageism, need to - ironically - grow up.

“Not meaning to brag”

I truly don’t think anyone would ever accuse a poster of “bragging” for saying that aged parents aren’t self absorbed twats!

But they chose to have children! My DM has had her life and freedom.dor 20 years.

I don’t think that makes it easier to see at all.

I would think the opposite to be true. They’ve lived many years and had many experiences and should be able to use that experience to show mutual interest in their family and friends.

It really does seem like older people can do no wrong in some MNers’ eyes.

Thank you. I was just worried that other people were sharing stories about their parents being self absorbed and supporting each other it would like a bit like I was interrupting that just to say that I don’t have that problem when it clearly is a problem for so many.

I was just thinking that whenever you get a thread asking if other people have the same experience as you, pretty much all of the replies will be from people who do share that experience so it can start looking like everyone shares it when the reality is that people who don’t just aren’t posting.

The other thing I find is it combined with huge doses of negativity. So if I do mention anything about for example the children, such as I am trying to help them be a bit more independent, I get met with something like "well you've only got yourself to blame for that!"

Also the stories about people they know are often pessimistic / isn't it 'terrible" so you feel you are supposed to be all sympathetic at the same time as never saying anything about yourself

Oh no, my Mum did something similar on a coach holiday. They were on a stop over and a lady from the coach collapsed near my parents. My Mum stepped over her and went back to the coach. She said there was no point helping her as she couldn't do anything, she's not a doctor. Unbelievable.

A family friend died suddenly a few years ago. My Mum complained that ''we've lost our lift to the airport now''. There's other examples that I'm actually ashamed to type, even though it's not me that said/did it.

I understand how baffling this behaviour is. At first it can look like an insult or being cruel but I'm not sure that's it. It seems to me like complete indifference, devoid of any emotion or intent. As though other people are no more relevant or sentient to them than a dining chair.

FIL visited a relative with cancer. Spoke about the time he had a cancer scare once. It was a false alarm. Didn't talk about the relatives actual cancer!

Yep, totally relate to this. I dread calling my parents because my mom just endlessly drones on about her garden, her friends’ and various relatives’ health, and my nephew who she watches for my sister. Meanwhile, she asks virtually nothing about me or my family and, most hurtful of all, my health. I have two chronic health conditions that have severely impacted my life in the past few years and she NEVER asks me how I am or for updates on my health, yet she is visiting my uncle’s wife’s sister every day in hospital and telling me every detail of so-and-so’s upcoming surgery or cancer treatment. It’s like if it’s not life and death she has zero interest because she can’t swoop in and be the martyr. I dread phoning her and do it only every fortnight out of obligation. My FIL is just as bad if not worse, telling the same boring stories and asking nothing about us. I’m sick of it and have stopped engaging.

It’s helpful reading this. My grandma was a big example of this. Uninterested in others, long monologues if she was round for dinner, filling up any gap with saying loudly “and…um..” so no one else could speak before she thought of something else to say. Critical of my mum, which would make her cry sometimes, critical of others generally, how they looked, what they did. Complaining that we kids were not engaging with her enough if we went to our rooms or didn’t sit with her. But wanted us to be there to listen not talk.
No one challenged or confronted her, we just sat it out. There was this thing with my mum and her sisters that we had to be kind to her and not challenge her.
I vowed I would not be a grown up like that. What a waste of what could have been lovely supportive relationships with her large family.
My mum is the same but different. I genuinely think she cares but due to some perhaps undiagnosed neurodivergence she also can have whole conversations about her and the minutia of her life, and be quite low on empathy/ understanding other people, she has always been like that. It was hard growing up but I’ve realised more now the start she had and her difficulties understanding people/situations sometimes.
She can’t really relate to her grandkids but underneath she is caring and supportive and tries to show it in different ways.
Ive got a better mum than she had and the kids have a better grandma that we had.
if I get to live a long time I’m going to invest in my kids and grandkids for sure.

I find it helps to drop any expectation they might change, and just accept that is how they are. I do things like if meeting MIL go out to a cafe or something then there can be random things to distract her with, such as talking about a passing dog or person, the cafe for example, going to a shop with her...rather than just sitting in the house where they will go on and on and it can become more wearing.

Then finding someone if possible who you can actually talk to properly such as a friend or perhaps therapy / counselling so you have that outlet. Oh and not letting any odd negativity and comments get to you, trying to let it go and not let it bring you down. It's not easy though, I do get cross and try and let that come and go as well.