Anyone else have self absorbed parents and PIL's?

[oldparents]

Over the last 5 years, I've noticed that our parents have become increasingly self absorbed, but just lately this has been in epic, if not rude, proportions!

PIL in particular, have zero interest in our lives, our jobs, our holidays. They are mid 70's and still very fit and healthy. They travel extensively (about 5 times a year). When we see them, they regale us with all of their holiday stories and photo's, but ask nothing about what we have been up to (even if they know we have also been somewhere/had a job change, whatever).

If we talk about anything, this is met with a stare and utter silence when they try to think about how they can make this line of conversation turn back to being about them. For eg. I was telling them recently that our daughter will be travelling to Italy soon and might be getting married. Cue a long stare and silence, and then FIL pipes up "I was in Italy once and........" (followed by a story about his trip to Italy about 10 years ago). No questions asked about daughter, why she's going to Italy, who this man is, where would they live, would she work there .....all the things I am sure that most people would ask.

Semi light hearted, I wondered if anyone else had parents who have morphed into this weird version of themselves? Is it an age thing? I think it must be!

It's such a shame, because our meet up's used to be so much more fun when they were in their 60's (before they got like this).

It seems to me like complete indifference, devoid of any emotion or intent. As though other people are no more relevant or sentient to them than a dining chair.

I think this is called Main character syndrome at least in younger people.

My eldest in her teen years could be a bit like this with family - we only existed to fcaciliate her life and outside of that we didn't seem to.

My older family are nowhere near as bad as most mentioned on here - it's just a noticable shift and does seem related to declining health and more social isolation and hearing issues and yes some compassion/caring fatigue in some of them.

My dad has become quite insufferable over these past few years. Very grumpy and over opinionated. Always thinks he can tell me what to do. Thinks he’s absolutely right in everything he says and thinks and doesn’t like being told he’s wrong. I love him dearly but he infuriates me at times.

christ, that's so horrible.
What did you do at the time? Did you tell him not to bother your Mum and hung up? Did she phone you back immediately? I'm so sorry.

Someone said they were older and tired and that probably explains it. Tired of being an equal participant in a conversation? Surely it's more tiring to do all the talking?

And isn't it a bit niggling at the very least to know your kids might feel this way about you? That you're foisting a really shit side of your personality on people who love you and want you to take a bit of interest in their lives?

Until you're in that position then you can't possibly understand - as with anything in life. Hasn't it occured to you that the majority of older people have spent the better part of their lives caring for other people and putting themselves last. As for showing an interest in friends, they will be acutely aware of friends dying off around them or becoming ill/infirm. It seems the Mumsnet consensus is that older people should be cheerfully spend their remaining years offering free childcare, releases equity from their homes and generally justifying their existence.

Or maybe it's just that some of us would like to not have to listen to them talking about themselves and random people we've never known for the precious time we spend visiting?

I shouldn't worry too much, you won't have to put up with it for many more years.

I don't put up with it at all: it's a major factor in why I don't spend time with my parents!

I don’t think it’s bragging but it re-affirms my theory that it’s a boomer-specific issue . I know people 80+ who are great at conversation, chatty, interesting and interested. I know boomer bashing is trendy but I’m not trying to do that, I’m genuinely interested in why so many in their generation seem to have this in common.

I have a theory I call 'Daily Mail Syndrome'.

PIL and DM have read the Daily Mail since their 40s (at least) and over the past 30-40 years its influence has affected their behavioural and emotional responses and skewed their attitude towards fellow humans.
The paper has given them a sense of entitlement, of always being in the right, of feeling negative about the world and young people.
I theorise that constant daily affirmation can change the neural pathways in the brain.
It certainly caused my MIL huge health anxiety (she had CT scans, MRIs and various tests after reading their scare stories -- when she was always perfectly well) and she quoted it at every opportunity to tell me how to live my life/run my home. And my own DM would tell me how to raise my children based on the likes of Femail, Quentin Letts etc.

It's tragic that the media can poison the mindset of a generation.
Just my own thoughts - obvs if your PIL don't read the DM my theory falls to the ground 😂

I agree on the Daily Mail. MIL I mentioned upthread who is a bit racist reads it too, and don't think it helps anything.

Yeah my mum reads the Mail. She's proud of it. I noticed during her last monologue that her accent has changed, too. A bit more pretend posh. She loves feeling that other people aren't behaving quite as well as she is so it's catnip to her.

Nearing 80 makes them the original boomers, born directly after the war. Maybe being brought up in the shadow of rationing has made them more grateful for the little things. It’s sad so many people are having this experience with their aging parents, it makes me very grateful for mine.

“Poison a generation”
🙄

your in-laws and DM have relied upon and hungrily sucked up what one newspaper has told them, steadfastly ignoring the breadth of other views espoused in the media.

It is wilful stupidity and no doubt a healthy dollop of innate stupidity thrown in too

Mine actually brings a paper copy of the DM every weekend, she likes me to read out the stars to her.

She says it is for the radio guide hmm.

I think there comes a point when you just have to accept your parents for who they are. You won't change them now, and you may only have a few years left with them. I felt similar about my mum who's now 81, but dropped my expectations of her, and things got waaay better.

True and tbh I misread “nearing” 80, however my experience is with younger boomers 65-75 my mother for example doesn’t remember the war or rationing, had a grant for further education, bought a house easily and benefited from a long period of economic and social stability.

They don’t seem to appreciate how expensive life is for a normal family now and how busy younger families are - perhaps because they could easily afford one non-working parent unlike their adult children now. They don’t seem to appreciate the little things in fact seem disinterested in anything new that isn’t directly involving them.

So why do they take more interest in their neighbours than their family, or talk incessantly without asking any questions.

I think it’s a combination of personality, a smaller- world / living in a bubble issue - as they’ve retired and suddenly have much less on their plate, more time to obsess over the neighbours or uncle Dave’s tooth — and also so many of their generation especially women would not have had any kids of diagnosis for autism, adhd etc.

I haven't got in-laws and my mum isn't self absorbed but my aunt is. She's only in her mid 60s. She will ask us a question and then immediately start talking about herself or someone else she knows. Recently, my mum and I went away and she asked where we were staying. When my mum told her she just said " (sister in law) stayed there before" and then changed the subject. I'm disabled and have had many health issues in my life. I had an operation 10 years ago and after I came home she asked how I was. I didn't get to finish saying "I'm alright, thanks." before she said "Oh well. Everyone has problems with their feet". She's also racist, xenophobic and homophobic and has no interest in anything except talking about murders and judging people's looks. She also thinks anyone who has a new car is leasing it (nothing wrong with that but she acts like she is better than everyone and only she can afford a car) and is in massive debt.

Yep, my father is like this.
Doesn't hold a conversation, totally disinterested in anybody else, just likes to lecture people about whatever topic hes interested in. Usually gut bacteria or war.

Perhaps it's because as parents they've had at least 2 or three decades when other people's needs have been taken priority over their own, and now they're putting themselves first - but have gone a little bit too far the other way in reaction!

Oh I think they do, which is why they have, over time, stopped doing it.
Yours, a 70 year old.

My mum and my FIL have the following in common:

• self-interested
• self-aggrandizing
• manipulative
• judgemental

It's amazing my dad and MIL put up with their nonsense, they're both nice.

I'm in my 40s and have recently become very intolerant wrt listening to other people's long drawn out stories, excessive details or conversations that don't interest me. I can't imagine what I'll be like at 70!

I'm late 40s not sure if perimenopause is related but feel the same, I zone out a bit now

I can relate to the long monologues and just zoning out...and then it's time to go and they have no clue about anything going on in your life. They haven't asked and didn't give you a chance to talk.

Tbh the emotional support has been lacking so probably wouldn't say too much anyway.