Anyone else have self absorbed parents and PIL's?

[oldparents]

Over the last 5 years, I've noticed that our parents have become increasingly self absorbed, but just lately this has been in epic, if not rude, proportions!

PIL in particular, have zero interest in our lives, our jobs, our holidays. They are mid 70's and still very fit and healthy. They travel extensively (about 5 times a year). When we see them, they regale us with all of their holiday stories and photo's, but ask nothing about what we have been up to (even if they know we have also been somewhere/had a job change, whatever).

If we talk about anything, this is met with a stare and utter silence when they try to think about how they can make this line of conversation turn back to being about them. For eg. I was telling them recently that our daughter will be travelling to Italy soon and might be getting married. Cue a long stare and silence, and then FIL pipes up "I was in Italy once and........" (followed by a story about his trip to Italy about 10 years ago). No questions asked about daughter, why she's going to Italy, who this man is, where would they live, would she work there .....all the things I am sure that most people would ask.

Semi light hearted, I wondered if anyone else had parents who have morphed into this weird version of themselves? Is it an age thing? I think it must be!

It's such a shame, because our meet up's used to be so much more fun when they were in their 60's (before they got like this).

My Mum was never like this though - she was fab company until the end (was only 73 though when she passed ).

My Dad is 70, pretty self absorbed, told us he won’t leave us any money and that he will spend it all before he dies and whatever is left is for charity. To be honest, he’s spending it alright, so whatever is left split six ways probably wouldn’t go far. He doesn’t like doing much care for the grandkids, but he will do fun stuff with them.

He isn’t super self absorbed, but compared to my in laws and my mum… he is. I don’t mind tho. He’s had a tough life and worked super hard to get and stay sober and even harder to make money. Honestly I am just happy he’s alive and that my kids got to meet him and spend time with him. He’s never gonna be doing school runs or changing nappies, but he has taken my kids on some great days out. He also tells us the same stories he’s always been telling, and sometimes I have to remind him to keep it appropriate.

Barely asks about anything the kids have been up, how I am, but tells me all about next door’s holiday plans.

This is exactly like my DM

Relatable yes

Thank you for posting this. I genuinely thought it was just me and was starting to worry my df had health problems. But when I think about it, he’s always been quite self absorbed. My mum did everything for him (and us kids) so he’s only ever had to think of himself. And now she’s no longer here, he can self indulge to his hearts content! He does ask about us and my kids, but asks a lot of the same questions and I think it’s because he doesn’t actually listen to the answer given. And he repeats himself, but again I think is because I think he just likes to do a lot of the talking. His memory is fine, he just doesn’t concentrate 😂

my mil on the other hand has always been focused on herself. If I’ve been to Tenerife, she’s been to elevenerife type of thing. She also knows all about her friends grandchildren but not a lot about her own.

And mine, who lived to their late 90s, were never like it.

@oldparentsthank you for this thread, reading the experiences of you and others who are dealing with the same behaviour makes me feel I can better face a dinner tomorrow night!

I am absolutely not ageist, my in laws are the opposite (and older than my father) they have such an interest in everything and always cheerleader even my tiniest success.

Thank you for posting this. My Dad has become increasingly like this in the 12 years since Mum died and frankly, it's reassuring to know that he's not the only one.

It's getting to the point where it's difficult to talk to him as he just wants to talk about his dog, his holidays, his career, his school days, his rugby playing. The vaguest mention of a grandchild at uni and he will smile and then start talking about his own uni days. We've been on holiday? Well he hasn't been there but he has been somewhere much nicer. Nephew enjoying cricket club and suddenly we're talking about him playing cricket at school - hearing the same stories we've heard hundreds of times.

there is no self awareness or regulation and it's got so much worse since my Mum died.

How ever much we might not like it, it's definitely an age thing - he's in his 80s.

I don't think it's every old person at all - PIL have their quirks but this isn't one of them. But it is my Dad and it makes normal family lunches very very difficult.

It makes me laugh. The most self absorbed people I know are my Gen Z grandchildren.🙄😂

Self-absorbed baby boomers too busy trying to still 'find who they really are' ...my grandparents were so very different and so much less entitled. Sad really.

Yes ex fil was like this, he was always like this too. Always thinking of how any action taken would benefit him. Never did anything at all if it wasn’t of benefit to him, and never enquired about anyone else. Ex mil indulged him.
Dh has a relative like this, she isn’t elderly. Never, ever asks about our dcs, ever. Never ever asks about things we have done etc. So now I’ve stopped asking her about her dcs and anything about herself. Better this way.

Yes, own parents are self absorbed and on reflection always have been. Not quite sure why they even had kids tbh, they were young parents and I suspect it was just the done thing in those days. Any interest in us as people was lots by the time we reached teen years, when I think about it. They are not involved in me or my DC life beyond the usual birthday and Christmas greetings. Same for siblings. They have active lives in retirement and are only interested in us on a superficial level and rarely contact for a chat or ask to see us. It’s not unusual to not speak or hear from
Either of them in months. They’ve never baby sat or helped practically with DC in that way, or if we’ve moved house or just anything really. In laws are also self absorbed but not busy, very insular and don’t do anything or go anywhere. They are now retired and have nothing to talk about. If they do talk, it’s just about their (imaginary) problems. Again no help with the DC.

I have friends with very active and engaged parents and in-laws and I think we’ve been pretty unlucky to have it on both sides but what can you do. I’m just thankful that we’ve never had to rely on them for anything because we would be let down for sure.

I think its a personality thing rather than necessarily an age thing.

I can see why if you have less contact with a variety of people that you might become more inward looking and less able to engage with others.

As can be seen on this thread lots of older family members are very happy to talk with (not at) people.

My mum is like this. She has been bleeting on about her b12 injections. If i dare to tell her if i am ill she immediately makes out that she is more ill. I managed to hurt my knee when i changed the bed last week. Okay i am getting better. However my mum has not even bothered to ask how i am.

It's interesting you post this.

My mum has narc traits. In recent years her stories have become very repetitive - negative and nasty stories about relatives, generally. For people saying don't be ageist - I cannot decide if this is the start of sort of dementia in some ways so I do feel like I have to assess it in this context.

If the stories aren't of this nature, the conversation is about her in one way or another, she has a habit of centering herself in things generally. If I'm upset about something that happened to me, she'll often cut me off and say "But xyz me, I feel, I never had, this happened etc" and I have recently had to say outright: "This is not about you, for once I am talking about my experience!" That did shut her up. I have a cousin who was wrestling with a possible cancer diagnosis - thankfully it was benign. Instead of focusing on that, she was bitching about the fact she'd stayed in a nice hotel the night before the biopsy. I'd had enough and completely pulled her up on it. Can you imagine grumbling about someone having a martini after they'd just been told they don't have ovarian cancer?!

Yep we visit my mother once a week on a Wednesday after school and she barely speaks to the kids anymore, even insists we sit in a different room so we can chat (about her friends, uncles I barely remember, a long story about taking something back to the shops) and then occasionally glances in the other room at the kids and laughs that they’re always on devices.
She used to play with them? Now they’re just bored!
Barely asks about anything the kids have been up, how I am, but tells me all about next door’s holiday plans.
It’s not selfish in a mean way, she’s perfectly nice, it’s just very dismissive of anything not her-related.

My parents to a tee - and increasingly IL - MIL used to be great with the teens and now they often try and disappear or worse shooed away- though TBF they are up for doing things still which my parents weren't much younger - so going out and doing things still works.

I remember Dmum fuming my DGparents told us all about the neigbours bussiness little interest in us - and she and IL are the same now - I know an awful lot about one side that talks to them in both cases having barely met them.

I don't think it's a 50-60 thing it's a mid 70s thing at least for parents generation and my own DGP went similar at slightly younger age - and DH says he did. I think it's partly when ill health and chornic conditions also start to hit and world get smaller.

FIl is slightly better last few months - and I think it's the hearing aids - so he can follow along a bit better to conversations.

Is the DD story about Italy and getting married a real example? Is this their grandchild? It seems very strange that they would not know that she was in a serious relationship and have no idea who "this man" might be.

How is their hearing? FIL is absolutely awful at conversation these days and I think is partly because of his hearing loss. He monologues, doesn't ask anybquestions because he can't hear the responses. He has hearing aids, but often doesn't wear them.

My Dad is like this, I remember ringing him because I was excited the LA had agreed to name an ASD provision for DS1 for secondary. My dad responded with "I've got tonsillitis!" Err OK? He is very preoccupied with health, despite never having anything serious, so I guess to him they were an equal exchange of news 🤔

My FIL is wonderful and I'm very lucky to have him. Both mine and DHs mum's have passed, they were both really engaged grandparents and just nice to chat to.

My DiLs father is only interested in a conversation if it's about him. If the conversation moves on to another person within the family his eyes glaze over and his hand reaches for his phone to begin doom scrolling. He is either the main character in everything or he has switched off

My SIL is 76. She was horrified that we look after our grandchildren for 10 hours every Monday. Her comment was " I quite like my grandchildren but seeing them once every 3 months is plenty ".She always complained that her parents weren't involved with her children.

My dad is the same. I think of him as a benign narcissist but it is very annoying and gets very boring after a while.

I'll be like that. Well I already am, but being just slightly more than half your PIL's age - I mask it better. But it's getting increasingly difficult with age.

For me, it's because all their shit is...dull. I. Just. Don't. Care. I fake it, and make appropriate noises, but sometimes I just can't anymore.

I want to talk about interesting things. Discuss politics, global events, war, one issue or the other, talk art, books, cinema, traveling, etc. Not 'oh today at work my colleague said this, can you imagine, and then she did this, how dare she, that cow and then...'. Or listening about 'it's been buzzing in my ear (for the past fucking 30 years!) and what could it be I wonder, maybe I should this and that'. And all the mundane crap like that. Where did you go today, what did you do, who did you speak to, what did they say, what did you buy, yadda yadda yadda. It's tedious!

My parents are not elderly, frail, ill people. Mum's not 60 yet, dad's 61.

Or yea - I got a new job. Well congrats! What's the job? This and that. Oh ok, wish you well. That's it, 2 mins. What's there to talk about? I don't want to hear you droning about it in detail, if it's not my field.

I don't go on about mundanities of my life in detail to anyone and don't want to listen about others'. Something INTERESTING happened - great - tell me about it!! All ears. Not everyday bullshit. I'm not saying I live a high flying life full of adventure. No. I do plenty of boring regular stuff. But I don't want to talk about it.

But tbh my (potential/future) granddaughters wedding in Italy - now that would definitely be interesting and worth discussing, for sure.

In my experience, it isnt necessarily an age thing. My mother and father in law are always interested in our lives and always ask what their grand kids have been up to. They are mid eighties.

My father on the other hand is very similar to other posters parents. We lost my mam in 2020 at the age of 72 and she was always very interested in all our lives right up to the end. I initially invited my dad to come for an evening meal once a week at our house and both me and OH were starting to get increasingly weary of hearing the same stories repeated week after week, even after telling him he had already told us. For my sanity I cut it down to once a fortnight which is more bearable. He is a fit 77 year old who still works 2 days a week but his me me me attitude has always been there. I work 3 days a week and if asked, he wouldnt be able to tell you which 3 days as he is not interested where as my mam would have known which days I worked, who I worked with, who I liked and didnt like, any gossip going on etc etc because she was interested.

It used to really upset me as I had the impression he just doesnt care about me but it seems he is the same when he visits my brother so I have had to learn to laugh about it and let it go over my head.

We even had a secret bingo board going one night when he came with "sayings" that we knew he would come out with.

This sounds familiar! For me it was telling my Dad I was being made redundant and he said “oh no sweetheart! Sorry to hear that…You know Joe Bloggs is currently facing redundancy.. he’s got a few months left on his contract and they might not renew it… he’s not sure yet… but it’s a big worry for him.. hopefully it won’t come to that.. etc etc etc
then follows a 20 minute monologue about what Joe Bloggs does all day and other things that are going on his life.

Erm yeah… that’s interesting Dad. Poor Joe Bloggs. You know I’ve ACTUALLY been made redundant, and right now I no longer have a job and have no idea where the mortgage and food is coming from for the next few months !? FFS !!

I remember as a kid old people being like this - same stories again and again, and only talk about themselves, don't really listen.

I think it's a mix of cognitive/social decline and also loneliness.