AIBU to be angry at my 19 year old daughter

[JustSamantha]

So my daughter finished college last month
she never tried at college always skipped lessons failed most her units and she was on her last warning or else she would get kicked off the course she did her last unit and they said if she doesn’t get the highest points in this unit she’s failed the whole 2 year course. She’s yet to receive the results

so she doesn’t have a job, she’s not enrolled on the apprenticeship she so badly wanted to do after college saying she can’t get into one and even if she did it won’t start until February next year

she does NOTHING all day, lies on bed all day and comes down and demands from me ‘what’s for dinner ‘ ‘ what’s for tea’
the only time she leaves the house is to see her boyfriend or friends

she leaves her cutlery bowls plates cups in her and her sisters room leaves rottten food bags of rubbish and I’ve asked her to move this stuff and wash her plates and she’s completely disregards me and I end up moving and washing it

I resent her massively and it’s all her own fault. I thought when they get older you can relax on parenting them but she’s 19 and I still hav to baby her

she has no income so I said she needs to apply for UC but she wants me to do it for her

I don’t work at the moment due to having young children plus being a carer for my mum and I’m struggling massively financially might have to visit food banks this week but I’m still getting out of bed and being constructive, she isn’t she sits in bed ALL DAY

i know ppl will say oh she’s probably depressed well so Is a lot of people and they still live life as best they can she can’t be that depressed if she goes out with her boyfriend and friends

shes just announced that she wants to go for a drive as her boyfriend is driving his brothers car and the drive is at 1.30 am in the morning !! And she said she will come back early hours I told her you’re not disturbing me and your siblings ( me and my 2 youngest sleep in the dining room as a bedroom as the upstairs rooms are occupied by my other kids. She said oh I’ll take the spare key that’s not the point !!!
so coz I said she’s not doing that under my door she started throwing stuff trashing the hall
way

I’ve had enough

am I being unreasonable ??

Sounds like you need to tell her to leave so that she'll have to learn how to be a responsible adult.

She has no income so she has to apply for universal credit?? No, she has no income so she has to get a job!! At that age I waitressed, worked on the till in Sainsbury’s, delivered leaflets, worked in a hairdressers for a bit.

Why does she need Universal Credit????

When she asks you what’s for dinner, say ‘Fuck knows, you do it, you’ve done nothing all day.’

I would start putting in deadlines. By the end of the month she needs to get a job, by Sept 1st she has to start paying £75 a month rent.

Completely agree with the previous poster. She needs to get a job not expect to be subsidised by the rest of us.

Time to sit down for a very serious conversation with her about what life is like as an adult.

Change the WiFi password.

Stop paying for a phone with data, she can have a Nokia brick for emergencies.

And be clear that she's got say 3 months to find a job or somewhere else to live.

I hate to say it because it sounds like you are struggling, but she is doing it because you have let her. What is it going to take for you to start giving her some boundaries to make her grow up? Why are you still making her dinner? Why are you financially supporting her?
What help do you need to help her?

You need to be firm with her that her full time job now is job hunting. She has no qualifications so she is going to have to take whatever job she can get. If it is not full time, she makes up the remaining hours continuing the job search until she finds something full time.

cut off any money you are giving her unless it directly helps her get a job.

Stop treating her like a baby. Put some rules in place. She has to get a job, contribute half the household bills including food etc.

How does she afford to go out?

Have you been a role model for working?

Absolutely this!!

It’s difficult because at her age all she will see is you overwhelmed with caring responsibilities, no job, too many kids in a too small house, nagging her to get a job and pick up after herself.

Does she have people around her modelling the kind of productive life you seem to want for her? Does she understand that she is capable of achieving? It sounds like a bit of a low ambition, almost depressing environment and her mindset needs to change. Does she generally seem to have respect for you?

I'm sorry it's not her own fault you don't learn to become like that unless you've been taught it.

This.

Christ. Since when do when tell the youth of today to apply for UC when they finish education. She needs a bloody job. Not to be allowed to claim UC so she can continue to sit in bed all day!

Why does she need to apply for UC?! What on earth would you say that for.
she needs a job. Supermarket. Nail salon. Local gym. Pub.

any job. Stop giving her ££. Stop feeding her. Change the wifi. Don’t pay for her phone.

she is 19
she needs a job to pay for these.

or she at least needs to help out at home. Cook clean etc.

and she cannot be coming in at 2am waking the kids up on a school night.
she goes out After 11pm, she stays out until breakfast time unless there is an emergency.

grow some balls and set clear boundaries

and if she moves out then good. More space for the rest of you.

She doesn’t need to apply for UC she needs to get a job.

When the parent themselves doesn't work and claims benefits because they had more children than they can provide for?

You don’t automatically turn into a fully fledged adult at the stroke of midnight in your eighteenth birthday. You still need guidance and support.

Regarding how she’s around the house, don’t pander to her. Nag her to clear up. Get her to cook one meal a week. Some teens find this a scary process so show her the ropes. Buy her a student cookbook or Jamie Oliver’s five ingredient book.

Forms and applying fur jobs can be daunting also. Sit with get to do the UC form, make a cv, look at indeed for jobs, apply for apprenticeships etc.

Do you really think it's fair for a 19 year old to pay half of their mother's bills? Why should she be subsidising the OP? The daughter needs to get a job or an apprenticeship and start contributing towards living costs, she absolutely should not be treated like a partner and be expected to pay for her siblings. That's parentification.

Oh bore off. She's just said that she's looking after young children and her own mother. That IS working. Stop being so misogynistic.

This post is exactly why so many people want changes to the benefits system. Your daughter is absolutely, 100 % taking the piss and you are enabling it. Step up OP.

I agree with this. She hasn’t had expected behaviours modelled. Telling a 19 year old to claim UC rather than get a job is appalling.

You can do that and work you know? Plenty of people do! There is no way this 19 year old should get UC.

Seem like you’re the problem enabling this behaviour. Plenty of 16/17 year olds have jobs when they are in sixth form. She’s 19. Stop giving her money. Stop babying her. Stop cooking for her. Stop all of it. Tell her to get a job and pay her own way.

I don't think a young person could claim UC in those circumstances so no change would be required there.

What are all her friends doing?

Youll have to put your foot down and tell her she gets no more money from you and she needs to get a job

Sounds like you need to do everyone a favour and kick her out. She's only like this because you've enabled her behaviour for so long, and if you're not careful the other kids will follow her example