AIBU to be angry at my 19 year old daughter

[JustSamantha]

So my daughter finished college last month
she never tried at college always skipped lessons failed most her units and she was on her last warning or else she would get kicked off the course she did her last unit and they said if she doesn’t get the highest points in this unit she’s failed the whole 2 year course. She’s yet to receive the results

so she doesn’t have a job, she’s not enrolled on the apprenticeship she so badly wanted to do after college saying she can’t get into one and even if she did it won’t start until February next year

she does NOTHING all day, lies on bed all day and comes down and demands from me ‘what’s for dinner ‘ ‘ what’s for tea’
the only time she leaves the house is to see her boyfriend or friends

she leaves her cutlery bowls plates cups in her and her sisters room leaves rottten food bags of rubbish and I’ve asked her to move this stuff and wash her plates and she’s completely disregards me and I end up moving and washing it

I resent her massively and it’s all her own fault. I thought when they get older you can relax on parenting them but she’s 19 and I still hav to baby her

she has no income so I said she needs to apply for UC but she wants me to do it for her

I don’t work at the moment due to having young children plus being a carer for my mum and I’m struggling massively financially might have to visit food banks this week but I’m still getting out of bed and being constructive, she isn’t she sits in bed ALL DAY

i know ppl will say oh she’s probably depressed well so Is a lot of people and they still live life as best they can she can’t be that depressed if she goes out with her boyfriend and friends

shes just announced that she wants to go for a drive as her boyfriend is driving his brothers car and the drive is at 1.30 am in the morning !! And she said she will come back early hours I told her you’re not disturbing me and your siblings ( me and my 2 youngest sleep in the dining room as a bedroom as the upstairs rooms are occupied by my other kids. She said oh I’ll take the spare key that’s not the point !!!
so coz I said she’s not doing that under my door she started throwing stuff trashing the hall
way

I’ve had enough

am I being unreasonable ??

You’ve encourages her to take benefits rather than work? And that’s what you have led by example with.
Turn off the WiFi apart from an hour a day with constructive job hunting support

I'm sorry she didn't do well at College. Was her academic work whilst there facilitated? Did @JustSamantha you provide a suitable desk and chair and a quiet space for her to do homework. Is quiet time for school work habitual in yiur home? Do you talk to your children about what they are learning, what they are enjoying about it, what they are finding challenging?

Has your dd done any part-time work - picked anything up in the holidays? Volunteered? What does she want to do and what apprenticeship was she planning?

I'm sorry, but I think she needs unconditional love and support.

I'm also sorry that your life is hard and sounds chaotic.

I don't think universal credit is the answer; a job is. I don't know where you live and what your local job market is like - but your dd needs to be open to jobs she doesn't wish to do rather than claim benefits, even if that means caring or cleaning. Locally, here, there are usually early morning cleaning jobs.

Importantly, I think you need a serious chat with her about contraception.

Exactly

Kick her out to live where? So if your dc finish school or college in June you'd kick them out if they don't have a job by the beginning of July?

You do realise human beings are different and won’t behave exactly the same under the same circumstances?

It’s your job to put steps in place to help your daughter get out of this rut/mindset.
She lacks a work ethic and is taking the piss, so you need to have a proper conversation and put your expectations to her. Find out what she is struggling with and advise how to help her. Put boundaries in place and have an adult conversation. Maybe she could cook dinner 3x a week for the time being to ease the load on you?

It wouldn't have crossed my mind that she's depressed, but if she is she needs to get a proper diagnosis and see what professional help is available for treatment. I don't know where you are but if in the UK she is likely eligible for the NHS; if elsewhere do you or her other parent have insurance that would cover her? Depression isn't something to be taken lightly or ignored but it's also a medical condition, not an excuse for bad behaviour.

That possibility aside, has she ever had any personal or household chores (make her own dinner or tea, clean her room?) she's expected to do? Any consequences for not doing them? A set of household rules to follow (no food in the bedrooms, or at least no rotting food, no noise at 1 AM?) and consequences for not following them? Because it's sounding like it's maybe not all her fault but also the fault of her parents. 19 is late to put boundaries in place, but if she's going to go on living with you you're going to have to try, for her siblings' sake if not hers and your own. (And give the siblings boundaries, rules, and consequences too, if they don't have them, so you don't have the same problem with them.)

I never said it was. I was replying to another poster who implied jobs were a plenty

you need to be on her side op
help her without arguing.
support and encourage

People are determined to judge you to satisfy their own agenda. Please ignore this, they are bitter benefit bashers who dont care about your individual situation. They especially hate unpaid care work and parents who choose to look after their own children. Please dont engage in this nonsense. As you say your situation is more complicated than they understand.

I hope you can improve the situation for you and your family. Good luck.

My 17 year old can be a lazy git, he’s grown up in a house with parents who work their arses off, the posters assuming OP has modelled poor work ethic are being unkind. OP sounds like she is non bloody stop and working her arse off with caring responsibilities.

id just echo what every else has said, stop feeding her, stop looking after her, tell her why, explain how she needs a job and even if she did claim UC as a functional adult won’t she very quickly have it reduced and be encouraged and supported to work? Maybe she needs to go to the job center or to a careers coach. She could also do some volunteer work, she just needs to find her path and meet someone who gives her a break.

Could her 18 year old sibling have a word?

Good luck to your daughter finding a job. My student daughter has applied for 100 and has just started a part time cleaning job. She's studying at Oxford. Retail and hospitality are full. She couldn't even get a cleaning or portering job at our local hospital. She drives 40 miles a day.

I'm not a fan of non working households but it can happen to anyone. My niece was abused after having two children and now lives on the breadline. Two children in a mouldy flat with no chance of a house for seven years. She has a SEN 7 year old.
Her ex partner doesn't parent and pays £60 per week. He earns £1k. She can't get a part time job either in school hours and she has years of retail and hairdressing experience. She is a carer but that is less than £100 for 35 hours.

The UK government talks of working people but their stupid employers NI hike has cost the workforce all the entry level jobs. Even graduates are being pushed out by AI. New doctors can't get training contracts. We're fucked.

You have loads of children, youre on benefits, you dont have enough money and this is what youve taught her to do, you are not helping her get a job, you sleep in the lounge with some of your children, your daughter has no space no wonder she stays in her bedroom, spend some time with her and help her get a job and then get one yourself

And go where?

If She is at home all day put minimum expectations in place for how she is going to contribute towards the household, not working so chores, give her a list of daily tasks, hoovering, laundry evening meal, shopping etc. Yes it can be hard for teens if they have no clue how to fill out forms or how to start getting a job. Apprenticeships can be searched for via https://www.gov.uk/apply-apprenticeship. Do not allow her to stay in bed all day and keep her room a mess. I’m not aware of UC rules but she will have to do it herself part of that will be appointments with a job coach. It actually might come better from a person not emotionally connected to her. She might surprise you. What was her college course in she choose it so clearly had an interest can you search jobs together in similar field?

@JustSamantha Has someone helped her review her CV? There’ll be a reason she’s not getting interviews and it’s usually:

• Bad CV (spelling mistakes, typos etc)
• Applying for jobs beyond the persons skill set

If she’s never worked, hospitality is a great place to start. Specifically, many of the large hotel chains offer a lot of development opportunities so there is plenty of scope for success. If she’s still struggling (good luck with this next one), but volunteering will go a long way. It’ll help her gain experience which will set her apart from other applicants.

Young people being kicked out shortly after finishing education is how they end up on the streets. Those suggesting this are far worse parents than OP

Exactly this. This country does not need a perfectly able 19 year old on universal credit because they are lazy. Makes me sick that I work my ass off when there are people like this….

be a parent OP. It’s a bit late but start parenting. It should not have got this far

Moving forward, you need to tell her you're struggling and as she's now an adult she needs to pay her share of food/something towards bills with immediate effect as you can't afford to support her.

While she's living with you, as mentioned above, change the wifi, stop paying for her phone, don't buy her anything, food offered needs to be only what she needs to meet her nutritional requirements, no treats.

No one in our household would every consider claiming benefits, when work is an option. By 19, DD had done waitressing, worked supporting under age id checks and shop work, at that particular time at uni doing 39pw in a shop!

It should come as no surprise when a child who comes from a home where there is no working parent doesn’t have the drive to get a job.

At 19 she gets a job. Unless you’re very rural, I won’t buy that there’s no jobs. They might not be the jobs she wants but in lots of industries we have shortages of labour. Warehousing? Care work? Picking vegetables?

If she doesn’t behave and pay rent to you then she’s an adult and you remove her from the house.

I had 2 children by that age and my own flat. How times have changed.

Agreed. This all sounds chaotic and depressing. Sleeping in the dining room with 2 kids cause other rooms are occupied by other kids?

She needs a job.

Most apprenticeships are very sought after and I don’t think someone who has failed college and has no work experience and by the sounds of it would not shine in an interview is not going to get offered one.

Empty her room.
dismantle her bed and throw the mattress out the back door. Then she might realise you are serious and she better buck up. She doesn’t respect you or her siblings. She is lazy and immature and she needs to get a grip. It is hard to get jobs its bot the easiest but too bad she’s had enough time lying in bed, should be ashamed of herself but she’s not the only one from this generation, it’s ridiculous. But you are allowing it to happen by not giving her and sticking to boundaries. Bag her stuff up, give her a shocker then do a daily list which she has to do every single day. Up. Apply for at least 10 jobs every single day. Get her doing some voluntary work while she looks. Do a list of chores. Cooking, cleaning. If she lives under your roof she goes by ur rules. U need to enforce this now.

It does sound like she has a more difficult home life than most of her peers from what you've talked about. I agree that she needs to get a job for a year, get some structure in her life, learn some skills, before she can take any next steps in her education.