AIBU to be angry at my 19 year old daughter

[JustSamantha]

So my daughter finished college last month
she never tried at college always skipped lessons failed most her units and she was on her last warning or else she would get kicked off the course she did her last unit and they said if she doesn’t get the highest points in this unit she’s failed the whole 2 year course. She’s yet to receive the results

so she doesn’t have a job, she’s not enrolled on the apprenticeship she so badly wanted to do after college saying she can’t get into one and even if she did it won’t start until February next year

she does NOTHING all day, lies on bed all day and comes down and demands from me ‘what’s for dinner ‘ ‘ what’s for tea’
the only time she leaves the house is to see her boyfriend or friends

she leaves her cutlery bowls plates cups in her and her sisters room leaves rottten food bags of rubbish and I’ve asked her to move this stuff and wash her plates and she’s completely disregards me and I end up moving and washing it

I resent her massively and it’s all her own fault. I thought when they get older you can relax on parenting them but she’s 19 and I still hav to baby her

she has no income so I said she needs to apply for UC but she wants me to do it for her

I don’t work at the moment due to having young children plus being a carer for my mum and I’m struggling massively financially might have to visit food banks this week but I’m still getting out of bed and being constructive, she isn’t she sits in bed ALL DAY

i know ppl will say oh she’s probably depressed well so Is a lot of people and they still live life as best they can she can’t be that depressed if she goes out with her boyfriend and friends

shes just announced that she wants to go for a drive as her boyfriend is driving his brothers car and the drive is at 1.30 am in the morning !! And she said she will come back early hours I told her you’re not disturbing me and your siblings ( me and my 2 youngest sleep in the dining room as a bedroom as the upstairs rooms are occupied by my other kids. She said oh I’ll take the spare key that’s not the point !!!
so coz I said she’s not doing that under my door she started throwing stuff trashing the hall
way

I’ve had enough

am I being unreasonable ??

If work is hard to come by in your area, are there voluntary opportunities? It doesn't solve the financial pressure, but anything to get her out into society and become more employable would be postive for her long term.

You need to know what the root of this behaviour is to get around it. Does she need things broken into smaller steps to build up layers of sucess rather than facing a big overwhelming task in one lump.

It's quite common for young people to slip into a rut where they're neither children, but don't feel equipped to function properly as adults. Some maturity will come with age, but she will need prodding and support to get the experiences to get out of it and function properly.

She needs a job not UC. Encourage her to get a job. Set deadlines and stop babying her.

I don't know the OP's background and why she's in the financial situation she's in, but why the fuck is everyone pointing the finger at her and not the feckless, abusive dad who just got to walk away and leave her looking after all the kids by herself? I've no idea if he pays maintenance or even sees the kids, but so often people blame "single mums on benefits" without looking at why they're in that position and conveniently forgetting there's another parent who swanned off (and more often than not started another family elsewhere).

OP, where is the kids' father in all of this? What support (financial or otherwise) is he giving his daughter?

I do agree with the others that she needs a kick up the bum though. I would start by telling her cooking dinner and tidying up is now her responsibility until she gets a job. If she refuses, then you cook for you and the other kids and she can sort herself out.

Wow. Bit of a rude and condescending response. Op may be struggling financially now but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have any ambitions for the future! Sometimes; if you have more than one young dc, childcare costs are prohibitively expensive until they reach a certain age. And you have no idea about the circumstances which led to op struggling.

If op had no ambition for her teen dd, she wouldn’t mind her dossing about all day and wouldn’t be asking for advice on here!

Op, I am going to go against the grain here. I would try and help your dd get in to that apprenticeship scheme if there is an alternative route. Are there any volunteering roles that she can do that would help her get back on the course or win the apprenticeship? Hopefully by now she will be bored of doing nothing and you don’t want her to get accustomed to it. Or hang around with friends who do nothing.

Get a friend to baby sit and take her out to a cafe one on one and try and suppress your understandable exasperation with her and and tell her that you don’t want to be constantly nagging at her and she needs to take control of her life so how does she see the next three years developing? Try and approach it as though you are talking to another adult.

It’s understandable that you feel resentful towards her when you have your hands full but don’t take it personally. She isn’t doing it because she wants to upset you. She’s doing it because she is young and daft! And she’s not the first teen to drift off path. This is a temporary phase that she needs guiding through. She will come out the other side of it don’t worry op.

If she really cared about the apprenticeship, be genuinely curious and listen and ask pertinent questions about how she is going to make it work? Ask her how you can support her and if she regrets not studying hard at college and why she behaved like that? Tell her you love her too much to let her talents go to waste. And if when she gets results it’s bad news, what is her plan to get that qualification? Go back to the college with her and explore other options for resits or whatever?

You will get much further with her that way than an adversarial approach. It’s maddening but there you go. Sometimes you just have to keep prodding and guiding until they mature a bit and see the light! Don’t give up on her.

The ideal would be that she gets a job and moves out for a while. That usually makes them much more appreciative of home and the cost of living. And then she starts again in Feb. It doesn’t sound like she is mature enough yet to handle the freedom of that though? Help her to get a summer job to start with maybe? And then another temporary job over Christmas? Sit down with her and help her to type out her cv, Walk around with her to local shops, cafes and tourist destinations and get her asking for work. Help her to make plans to start studying again after six months if one year of working maybe?

You were definitely right to say no to the 1 am drive btw. Make it clear to her that if she was supporting herself in her own shared accommodation for example, she wouldn’t still be in the position of having to ask you for permission about when she goes out. But as she has chosen to stay living at home, then your rules apply. Keep emphasising the natural consequences of her actions. Get her food shopping and cooking one or two nights a week and doing chores. That’s another consequence of living at home. Let her take part in planning and choosing though. And when she complains about lack of freedom etc always respond with a cheery “I know it’s hard now but it will be better once you have more independence and your own money in your pocket”.

Hard though it is, try and make sure that your interactions with her are not all negative. Keep telling her that you trust and believe in her ability to do the right thing, even when you don’t atm! Don’t give up! Hang in there op! Her current behaviour is infuriating and enraging but she needs you to keep on chipping away at her. And challenging her to do the right thing. But don’t do it from the top down, in a controlling way, do it alongside her, with her in charge and you a fellow adult curious to know what her next move will be? And the answer is she has to be studying, earning or volunteering or a combination of all three. Give her a deadline by which you go out for coffee again and before which you expect her to have made progress on, say three things. Good luck and keep whipping away!

i will never ask for advice on this board again
a lot of you woman are abusers yourself gaslighters and bullies and you come on here to get kicks out of putting woman down
my life is Irrelevant to my daughters, your saying she shouldn’t have to work I should continue to support her forever and i am not allowed to even mentioned work to her because ‘she doesn’t have a role model in work ‘

ill just leave her to it then and not complain and let her do as she wishes as seen as it’s all my fault

i didn’t have the best childhood but I sure as hell don’t blame anyone else for my choices other than myself

she has no income so I said she needs to apply for UC

Um, sorry, what now?

"My life is Irrelevant to my daughters," says it all

I had three part time jobs at 18 whilst I was in university as well. Literally had no weekend whatsoever whilst also had a boyfriend. I started my first job at 14. You need to drum into her how important it is to have a good work ethic. And stop supporting her if she’s not in full time education now. She’s an adult

First things first , make sure her contraception arrangements are pretty much foolproof. Implant or coil.

Your life, your choices, but “your life your choices” has clearly impacted on the choices your child is making. Most parents want their children to succeed, so if they know as parents that they have made unwise choices in the past they make the effort to push their children along a different path, they encourage hard work, independence, self reliance, ambition.

You have younger children , try not to make “ your life your choices” a negative impact on their lives as well.

Oh OP. Don't blow up at everybody. There are always goady so-and-so's on Aibu.
But a lot of the answers you don't like are trying to help you. You are right, we don't know you. That's why people are asking for background. There's a lot of good advice, don't get mad at the ones who are trying to help. Ignore the snidy judgy ones. Be honest with yourself though, otherwise you are right, it's pointless asking for help if you don't listen to the answers. Take a deep breath, leave the thread for now and come back later when you can face it.
I'll be honest, I don't think I'd cope at all if I was in your shoes, so I'm not surprised you are at the end of your tether.
So something needs to change. You can't make your DD change, you can only change how YOU respond to her. Because she isn't ok, and she needs a different response from you. And I know that's asking a lot from you given everything else that you've got going on. But there it is.
And can I ask do you need help yourself? You are dealing with such a lot, do you need to see your GP and get some support for yourself?

I am sure she could find a job in the care home setting. She needs to support herself. What did she do her degree in. She sounds very entitled. I would give her a deadline to getting a job. There actually are jobs out there. If she claims benefits she will need proof she is applying and going for interviews for work.

What what do you think I’m doing ?? Trying to push her but she’s not interested !! Can’t always blame the parents
my mum smoked my whole child hood so did my step dad and other family members my brother smoke but I don’t because I made the choice not to.. I didn’t ’mirror ‘ my parents and start smoking I made my own choice so can’t say it’s ok for a 19 year old to mirror me

This. You say it’s all her own fault but you have allowed this to grow probably over several years. So pug your foot down now, firmly.

Because life is always this black and white. Get back to reading your Daily Mail.

stop being abusive and twisting my words what your doing is emotional abuse twisting my words and mocking them

i said because she’s not getting any interview from the mountain of jobs she’s said she’s applied for then she needs to claim uc IN THE MEANTIME AND THEY CAN PUT HER IN TOUCH WITH ORGANISATIONS THAT CAN POINT HER INTO THE DIRECTION OF APPRENTICESHIPS AND JOBS

New rules. No lie ins. She is up and out by 9. Have a running jobs list. When not applying for jobs she works for you. A percentage of whatever she gets from benefits/ jobs goes to you.as a token amount (you can save for her and return). While she lives with you she keeps her room clean, does her own washing, dishes done. This is basic stuff. My 13 year old does it. If she chooses to go out for a midnight drive that's on her but she's still up and out early. If she can't comply she needs to find her own place.

This is tricky - I suspect she is hiding mentally from the terror of moving on and probably teenage hormones are still rampant

so I am thinking not anger but love - but within that love with boundaries and consequences - so that’s mad at the behaviour but lots of reward messages for anything good and lots of reassurances somehow / you know I love you and this behaviour makes me so scared and worried for you because it’s not healthy or right - how can I help
younout of this mess ?

she may be an adult technically but she is still a child

I'd sit her down clamly and set down expectations - not waking house hold up in early hours - that if she can't find a job that she apply for UC and does she need your help with either.

That living in the house she needs to contribute - with doing jobs - and set them out what and when.

Ideally she'd just pick these expectations up - but for some reason she not so be calm and clear and state them. If she then ignores them after some reminders I'd go for the when are you moving out option.

Will it be easy - probably not as she's not going to want to hear it - but for your own sake and for her future you need to sit down and do this parenting. Your other child didn't need this prodding - but all kids are different and clearly this one need a calm firm talk about her future and what you expect if she to remain under your roof.

Try really hard not to be angry and defensive - calm and firm would be best and it may be a series of talks - but have them - get her sat down at a table and communicate that you and her can't go on as you are.

She doesn’t need UC she needs a job, both my 16 and 17 year old work and have done since they were 15, there’s plenty of work for young adults especially as they are working for less than an over 21 year old ph so very appealing to small shops/pubs etc.

i think you need to accept some responsibility here, she needed a shake up years ago
from the sounds of things. Nothing you say makes it seem like she is depressed, just lazy and entitled enough to think everyone else should be paying for her.

Is there a carrers service in the area or part of the college she could appraoch and see if they can help her with CV, interview technquies or just direction?

It sounds like there are a lot of people in your household, lots of younger siblings 4 at least?
It sounds like youve been very busy looking after the younger ones and tour mother and she's been allowed to get away with a lot of things.
She may be 19 but there's still time to implement rules, discipline, structure and routine.
And why do they want to drive around at 1am? No way would I be allowing that. This is when most irresponsible ( younger) drivers are speeding on the roads and getting into accidents

No, what I am saying is that it’s no good expecting a 19 year old to change, she should have been parented to have the skills and ambition and mental resources to move her life on way before now.

I think as a precursor to moving out you could have a phased approach -she has a month, week 1 she leaves the house at 9am, week 2 you only serve her dinner if she’s helped prepare it or tidied something and if none of that’s happening she has to leave at the end of the month? It’s tough love but she might need it?

Nobody has said that she “shouldn’t have to work”. Stop reading into things the wrong way.

Did you think she was going to magically grow up at 18? You said she didn’t put much effort into college, so why was work going to be any different?

You just want everyone to say what a lazy, layabout daughter you have and that none of it is your fault. The reality is that you are her parent and her getting to this point has been, directly or indirectly, due to the way she has been parented (coupled with her innate character/personality).

The only way you are going to get her to change her ways is to both put your foot down but also help her. Does she know how to write a CV/cover letter?